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Seriously, kid, just don’t.  I mean, I’m only streaming you in every league in season long while also touting you in a lead post on Razzball.  Do you understand the honor I’m bestowing here?  This post has seen names like Kyle Lobstein grace the front page!  This shizz is serious.  Now that I think about it, I’ve touted Chris Heston before on here too and he stunk up the joint that time out.  Hrm…nah, too lazy to change it at this point so let us do what DFS should have taught us by now: not fearing going back to the well.  Unless of course your well is on a farm on The Walking Dead and there’s a zombie at the bottom of it.  Good lawd, that season made me check out on the series so quickly.  So much tension about nothing and where were the flipping zombies!?!  If I wanted to watch forced drama, I’d watch reality television, AMC.  But where was I?  Oh yeah, the well.  The reasoning behind why Heston is a good get is still there.  He’s solid at home, has a strong K rate vs righties, and the home park helps a little with his lefty struggles.  I see Heston as a good cash game play as he makes an easy SP2 to pair with Sale with his price point at $6,300.  When you factor in how bad the Mets offense has been of late – they had zero HRs and only 13 runs scored over their last 7 heading into Sunday – there’s a chance for SP1 numbers for chump change.  Just don’t make me feel like a chump again, Heston…just don’t.  But enough about my love/hate for Chris, let’s get on with it.  Here’s my most caliente takes for this Monday DK slate…

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Jon Lester, SP: $9,000 – It’s funny to look at compiled stats over the course of a year.  You begin to see things that you didn’t think were possible.  Like a Cardinals team ever having strikeout problems but that’s just what they have against LHP on the year as they’re second to only the Rockies in team K% against southpaws at a 24.7% clip.  Many will tell you A.J. Burnett is the play.  While I’ll admit any pitcher facing the Padres is a good play, I see just as much upside in Jon on a day where many probably won’t look his way.  A pairing with Carlos Carrasco in cash could bring home major bacon.  Unless of course you don’t like bacon but if that’s the case, I’m sorry, do you hate life or something?  Not sure if we can be friends.

Alfredo Simon, SP: $5,600 – I’m pretty sure people are gonna call Alfredo a tourney play today.  Just putting it out there that I wouldn’t over invest here.  I know Safeco is a safe place to pitch but those splits man…those splits…Simon against a lineup that can go very lefty heavy is a scary proposition.  Yes, even when said proposition is the Mariners and I say that as a Mariners fan.  *Sighs deeply, begins to weep uncontrollably*.  Either way, like many tourney calls, they can go one way or another.  For that reason, I ain’t gonna talk about the bats later so consider this a tourney play call on Kyle Seager, Robinson Cano, Logan Morrison, and other M’s lefty bats.

A.J. Pierzynski, C: $3,300 – Yeah, Buster Posey has a great matchup but I’d prefer not to pay $4,500 at catcher if I can help it.  Miller Park is pretty nice to lefty power as it comes in as 5th best for lefty homeruns.  A.J. has definitely cooled off some since his hot start but he’s bordering on punt down here and that’s what I’m looking for today from my catcher…well, and a hit or two would be nice, not gonna lie.

Adam Lind, 1B: $4,500 – Remember the park factor thingie I was talking about?  Yeah, I also like Gerardo Parra if he’s batting leadoff.  Also helps that both these guys are raking of late.

Edwin Encarnacion, 1B: $4,100 – He hasn’t been at the top of his game recently, but seeing Edwin get priced down because Sale is on the mound makes it hard not to like him.  Given the historic run Sale has been on, a tourney play zag would be to price in all the more than affordable Blue Jays bats as you can and hope for a stinker.

Jace Peterson, 2B/3B: $3,300 – This isn’t so much about the lefties in Miller Park factor as it is a cheap price and a good shot at a steal.  Lucroy has been handing bags out like candy on Halloween and could make Jace look like he dressed up like Billy Hamilton for the night.

Cesar Hernandez2B/SS: $3,100 – When he stops being awesome and cheap, I will stop mentioning him.

Jonathan Schoop, 2B/3B: $3,100 – Really only a tourney play here but Phil Hughes and his reverse splits are on the mound and a solo shot like he had yesterday isn’t out of the question.

Kris Bryant, 3B: $4,500 – Kris has been more productive than just being a HR hitter as he’ll take walks, steal bags, and also hits for average.  At this price and with his power potential, he feels like a nice cash game get.

Pedro Alvarez, 1B/3B: $3,700 – El Toro smacked a HR yesterday and Shields has been homer prone so far this year.  This could be a match in dong heaven which reminds me, did they ever do a porn spoof on that old cartoon with ‘All Dongs Go To Heaven’?  And why in the world am I thinking of these things?

Miguel Sano, 3B: $3,700 – He’s stepped right in and done his thing.  Couple in getting the splits with Chen, we could be saying Sano-nara to a baseball today.

J.D. Martinez, OF: $4,300 – The dude has 7 HRs in his last 10 games and that doesn’t even include his 3 HR outburst against Tanaka.  Just Dongs Martinez is the real deal and he’s priced right.  I’m not getting off this train until it comes to a complete stop.

Joc Pederson, OF: $4,000 – With a Phillies pitcher not named Cole Hamels on the mound, it’s a good day to consider any/all/every Dodger bat.  Roger that?

Tommy Pham, OF: $2,000 – So Pham has speed and Lester has the yips about throwing to first.  We all wanna call dongs but how about we call steals?  Better yet, why not call three?  Speed never slumps, baby.

I’m Only Happy When It Rains

It looks like it could be a little wet around the league tonight so be careful.  Both Chicago games look menacing right now or at least most likely to delay at some point while WASvsCIN and PITvsSD look like they could start in a delay.  Meanwhile, KCvsTB looks like it could get washed out fairly easy.  And then I look and see MILvsATL has some rain problems and…oh wait, they have one of those crazy cool inventions called a retractable roof!  I mean, what technology and wonder!  You’d think more teams could have such a thing but NOPE, couldn’t do that.  Wouldn’t be prudent…

Doing Lines In Vegas

The big leader on the day is of course…NOT Chris Sale.  It’s Eric Surkamp at -220 and you can’t roster him and that’s probably for the best.  Yeah, a Dodger bat beat down is probably coming there with an 8 o/u.  Vegas really loves Iwakuma in his return from the DL at -160 but everyone seems to be betting the over on the 7.  So what you’re saying is Vegas is seeing and loving those lefty bats, too.  Sweeeeet.