People standing to the side, huddled together. Faces ashen. All they could talk about was the moment the Carlos Carrascident happened. There was nothing anyone could do. It was as if time slowed down like Keanu was diving away from a Matrixy bullet. A split second and a heap on the ground, silence. Terry Francona dressed as a law enforcement officer putting up yellow tape, people wondering if Francona was working a bachelorette party after the game. Carlos Carrasco is headed to the disabled list with a hamstring strain but needs to have an MRI, which is never what you want to hear about your ace. Filling in for him will be Trevor Bauer. Not farfetched to think Bauer could have value in matchups. Farfetch is also what they call warming up Bauer. “Why is our bullpen catcher driving to Akron?” “Friggin’ Bauer.” As for Carlos Carrasco, that’s the way the Cookie crumbles. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Corey Kluber – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks on Saturday. “Commander, the Klubot is working again. I will now jetpack over to Tampa and see if we can communicate with Archer.” “Sounds good, Captain. Please check in on Price, as well.” “There are a lot of aces struggling in this dystopian future.” “It’s the climate change, Captain.” “We should’ve listened to Al Gore.” “We would’ve, but he came off too holier than thou.” “Agreed.”
Shane Greene – Left yesterday’s game due to a blister on this middle finger. Lots of blisters on middle fingers this year. It’s the FUpocalypse.
Francisco Rodriguez – Justin Wilson or Mark Lowe should get saves for a few days, because K-Rod left the team for a family emergency. Hopefully his family emergency has nothing to do with his father-in-law. Talk about AwK-Rod.
Anibal Sanchez – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER. The Regression Fairies scalped their Lady Gaga tickets because friends, Bill and Jeffrey, were getting married, they have napkins for every occasion, and they will destroy your pitcher’s ratios.
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 15 Ks. Mr. Roark, is here to make all of your fantasies come true, and to befriend a troubled little person and to dress like a waiter in a fancy restaurant. I will now call this Roark, Ricardo Montalboing. Looking at his stats, I don’t necessarily see a guy who is due to strike out hitters at this rate every time out. He does have solid control usually (not this year so far), so maybe he was locating his pitches to force Ks against the Twins. I’d absolutely grab Mr. Roark to see if he can continue this excellence, but usually he’s more the plain, the plain.
Joe Ross – Will have his start skipped due to a blister on his middle finger. Forget it, Mayans, it’s the FUpocalypse.
Matt den Dekker – 2-for-8 and his 1st homer. An upper den dekker!
Stephen Strasburg – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.17. His only mistake was a three-run homer to Dozier. An oopsy-Dozier.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-1 and a solo home run, his ninth. Another game with only one hit that was a homer. Sure, it was a pinch-hit homer in the ninth to send the game into extra innings, but I’m trying to find a negative here.
Ervin Santana – Scratched due to lower back tightness. In Russia they say, he needs more “back glasnost.”
Eduardo Nunez – 4-for-7, 2 runs, 1 RBI, and his 4th steal, hitting .432. That’s not a hot schmotato…THIS IS A HOT SCHMOTATO! Sorry, my shift key is sticky.
Adam Duvall – 0-for-3 and his 2nd homer on Saturday. Bryan Price announced, through curse words and em-effers, that Duvall would now be the starter in left field. Hopefully Duvall’s better there than in The Judge.
Caleb Cotham – 2 ER on Saturday. The Reds bullpen is polluted! They need to take a keg of saline and rinse out the entire thing for 48 to 72 hours. Tony Cingrani is likely the next guy to try for saves, but that’ll likely change by the time you finish this senten– Doh!
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homers. HR to the Rizzo, HR to the izz-Anthony.
Jason Heyward – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th steal, hitting .260. If Heyward, Bryant (2-for-3, 1 run) and Rizzo get hot, they could let Lil Szczur throw pizza-pizzas from the mound and it won’t matter. Too bad Steve Bartman just bought his playoff tickets.
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Mean’s while, my RCL team ERA is 4.40. *opens window, throws computer out window, yells down to homeless man* Could you bring that computer back to me? There’s a dollar in it for you.
Yovani Gallardo – Hit the DL with shoulder tendinitis just in time for Kevin Gausman to return. Church Lady, “Well, isn’t that convenient?” Raisel Iglesias, “That’s my aunt.”
Kris Medlen – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Forget Medlen, I now need a medevac.
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.35. Stream-o-Nator is iffy on Ventura’s next start, but I’d be damned if I were benching Ventura at this point. You don’t want to start him, send him to me for Archer, Pineda and Corbin. Please.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Every day someone else steps up on the Royals. Sounds like a bunch of socialists!
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .314. Hosmer is a mathematical constant.
Aledmys Diaz – 3-for-5 and a slam (3) and legs (1), went 5-for-5 on Saturday, hitting .469, and is the hottest schmotato in a sea of schmotatoes. I grabbed Aledmys before this game was over in every league I could. Not totally convinced Matheny won’t randomly bench him, but I want to own him on my team to find out.
Jedd Gyorko – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. The Cardinals magically make useless players good. A bunch of abracada-bros!
Randal Grichuk – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd steal. They turn schmos to abracada-bros.
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.42. Mean’s while, my Aaron Sanchez gets rocked. I need to talk to my shrink, my fear of success is affecting my fantasy pitching.
Ezequiel Carrera – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer as he starts while Saunders nurses a hamstring. You might also remember Ezequiel Carerra as the Amish buggy the Porsche company manufactured in the 80’s.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal. Now has three straight games with two hits, and hitting near-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4 and a slam (4) and legs (1). Reddick now leads one of my teams in homers. I wish I could report I only drafted NC-17 players in that league, but if you listened to me look at that team, it sure sounds like it.
Khris Davis – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. After getting off to a terrible start, he now has hits in four of his last five games and another homer. He could still easily get to 30+ homers this year. Act like you know, MC Lyte!
Scott Kazmir – Admitted that he’s dealing with wrist discomfort. Yeah, no foolsies. He’s looked like hot garbage in the trunk of a car that is parked between Gilbert Grape’s mom’s buttcheeks. As I’ve been saying for a while, I would not own Kazmir right now.
Kenta Maeda – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. When you read my preseason words for Maeda — can be Iwakuma, yadda3 — they don’t scream blasé or that I was drunk on Alizé or that I was distracted watching Porké’s Revenge, but I’ll be honest with you, I wasn’t as excited about him as I should’ve been looking at his first starts of the year. It’s why I don’t own him. He looks like a stereotypical, safe fantasy pitcher — 8+ K/9, under-2 BB/9, 3-ish xFIP. Someone I wish I owned in multiple leagues.
Carl Crawford – Will be activated today from the DL. It’ll be tight, but if he can re-injure himself by mid-May, he could still make the over on his six DL stints this year.
Chase Utley – 2-for-6, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .319. I drafted Utley in one league, and that also happens to be the league where I’m in first place. Yeah, he’s not exactly the entire reason I’m in first.
Charlie Blackmon – Says he should return next weekend. He also announced he was changing his name to Charlie Africanamericanmon.
Gerardo Parra – 4-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs and his 4th steal. RICO Suave! That’s Rockie Influenced by Coors Outfield.
Jake McGee – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, and his 1st blown save, ERA up to 9.53. Wanna talk ill-advised? I picked up his setup man, Chad Qualls. Yeah, this is gonna end well.
Gregory Polanco – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs, hitting .313, .427 OBP as he hits 7th. Obviously it’s early, but has anyone with a .400+ OBP ever batted this low in the order for longer than a week? Could someone wave their hand in front of Clint Hurdle’s face to see if he blinks?
Starling Marte – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Must be nice to be able to get runs up there at the top of the lineup. Some time you’re gonna have to tell Polanco about it.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (4, 5). Au shizz twizz azz nizz. This blurb was brought to you by a 14-year-old texting.
Welington Castillo – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (1). Where’s the boeuf?!
Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-7, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Has a hit in every one of his last ten games and is hitting around .330 in the last week, i.e., YASmany.
Aaron Hicks – Could hit the DL with traumatic bursitis. Hicks went through the MRI machine at a recorded 108.4 MPH.
Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 6.95. I’m so over this schmohawk. Against the Rays he got bombed out like he’s a cave in Afghanistan that was manufacturing the evil playing cards the Afghans were making with our leaders’ faces on them. Don’t be putting Hillary Clinton on a playing card, we put you on playing cards! Pineda is the king of the KaBoBs (great K/BB, skewered by hard-hit balls). His xFIP is beautiful, which is great if I’m playing in a Netanyahu league, but since I’m not, I don’t give two blistery middle fingers. I dropped Pineda in one league where I own him, and in deeper leagues, I’d bench him until he shows something.
Alex Rodriguez – Will undergo an MRI for oblique stiffness. His oblique saw a muscular woman and got stiff.
Blake Snell – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. Damn, he looked tasty like hot sauce on the back of a chicken wing. Sexy like finding a documentary on Netflix you haven’t watched that actually looks interesting. Dazzling like Elton John in a giant fish tank filled with disco balls. Too bad he was sent back to the minors immediately following the game. He’ll be back at some point, but I did drop him in shallower leagues.
Drew Smyly – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.51. The Emoticon continues to dazzle after I dropped him earlier this year to hold onto Pineda. I will now pretend to watch Kramer vs. Kramer so my crying can be faux justified.
Steven Souza – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (4, 5). Play that funky music, Souza!
Logan Forsythe – 3-for-5 and a slam (3) and legs (2), hitting .303 on the year. You don’t have to have watch Dynasty to know Forsythe looks good.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and just missed a home run on Saturday. Damn, he’d have a Story-esque amount of homers if he were still on the Rockies.
J.T. Realmuto – 4-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .250. Every catcher is about two solid games away from being a top five catcher in baseball for fantasy. For’realmuto.
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer. 46 more, Baby Fishmouth!
Angel Pagan – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .333, as he hit leadoff. Not sure if it will continue, but Pagan has outhit just about everyone on the Giants, and should be hitting leadoff. If he stays there, his value explodes like Hunter Pence after having Alka-Seltzer.
Hector Santiago – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. For better or worse — or as they say in Germany, for better or wurst — Santiago has looked more better than more worse. Confusing? Not in the least! 9+ K/9; almost 93 MPH on his fastball, up from 90; lots of ground balls. Santiago should be owned in almost all leagues at this point, but, for full disclosure, I didn’t hold him in a 12-team mixed league due to his next matchup.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I think we’ve lost Pujols for good…Wait! The mirror under his nose is fogging up!
Matt Shoemaker – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.87. The Cobbler should be banned from Zappos.
Seth Smith – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. The Lisper’s Nightmare is theppin’ out!
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .134. That is the new blech, but I could see buying Seager low if his owner is getting sick of the one-hit-a-week steelo.
Leonys Martin – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. With all the sincerity of a Get Well Hallmark, I want Leonys to do well, but he’s hitting .200 and he’s strung together less hits than Pookie at his lowest.
Ian Desmond – 3-for-4 and his 4th steal, and a slam (2) and double legs on Sunday. Damn, who woke up this schmohawk?
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .356. I made my first trade yesterday with Prospector Ralph. I don’t usually trade this early in the year, but my RCL team is straight misery and makes me feel like a dirty birdie every time I look at it. I traded Mazara and Todd Frazier for Wade Davis and Eric Hosmer. Highway robbery? I don’t know, I always have a hard time with that saying because on a highway you’re driving very fast which would make it hard to rob someone. This was back alley robbery in a snowstorm where you couldn’t see two inches in front of you.
Cole Hamels – Was scratched due to his groin. Sounds like a thankless job.
Dioner Navarro – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as he takes over catching duties for the injured Alex Avila. Navarro has some power, and black eyeliner. While Navarro’s the catcher, I can’t imagine anyone will be caught stealing, Jane or otherwise.
Mat Latos – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.74. He has more men left on base than a Catholic schoolgirl, and a more ridiculous BABIP than Oscar BABIPwitz, who the stat is named after and who had a career .000 BABIP. BABIPwitz faced one batter in his career. The batter, Alan Trammel, hit a scorcher down the line, an easy triple, when it was caught by a squirrel who tagged Lou Whitaker out at third to end the inning. Not enough squirrels in the world for me to own Latos.
Charlie Morton – Hit the DL. You know how hard it is for a guy named Morton to keep salt out of his wounds? Do you have any idea?!
Jerad Eickhoff – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies celebrate ABBA at large outdoor festivals, they love Kim Davis memes and they will turn your ratios into utter garbage.
Odubel Herrera – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .286 with a .432 OBP, has a hit in eight of his last ten games. Hot schmotato alert!
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (1), hitting .364. The Hebrew Hammer celebrates PAs over everything else.
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .258. I’ll take a home run a week in the leagues where I own Scooter, but he has to be a bit boring for most. I mean, a homer a week is around 24 homers on the year. From an MI? Boring! Oh, wait, no, that’s not boring. That’s a top ten MI.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, after homering on Saturday. Little late to be breaking out (29 years old), but like a mime that lost his imaginary key he’s completely locked in. I’d definitely own him everywhere.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-6 and two steals (8, 9), hitting .324. That’s to go with his 5 homers. All kidding aside, you know whose type of stats he’s putting up? Trout.
Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA up to 5.00. Member when the Kimbrel meant a save with three Ks? Now a Kimbrel is a blown save with a homer allowed.
Aaron Blair – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K in his first major league start. What I said the other day still pertains, “A low ceiling, high floor type. A Mertin-Flemmer. In Triple-A, he has a 1.42 ERA and 10.4 K/9 in only 19 IP. He’s likely closer to a 7 K/9, 3.75-4.25 ERA guy, which isn’t anything to sneeze at in deeper leagues, unless you’re allergic to useful backend starters.” And that’s me quoting me!
Daniel Castro – 3-for-5, hitting .343. Nothing much here except a hot schmotato, but the Braves seem to be making the smart choice by letting him play. See, the best baseball manager ever would’ve been the Bad News Bears’ crowd.
Nick Markakis – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .303. Seems like every time I look at Markakis he’s got three hits, then I look at his game log, and it becomes apparent I haven’t looked at Markakis in about a week.
Adonis Garcia – 2-for-4, hitting .317, and four straight games with a hit, three of which were multiple hit games. Beginning to think the old, never-done-anyhing prospect you should’ve wanted was Adonis Garcia and not Danny Valencia.
Neil Walker – 1-for-3, hitting .290, and hit his 7th homer on Saturday. You know how in New York people walk against the light and are generally more aggressive? Maybe this has influenced Walker’s approach. Don’t scoff, you scoffer.
Jacob deGrom – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.54 as he returned from his lat soreness. Looked all better, i.e., lat’s all, folks!
Yoenis Cespedes – Didn’t play this weekend, and was limping pretty badly. Cespedes said he was too sore to drive around his one-of-its-kind Tesla that was made of beeswax and constructed by mechanics dressed as the Bumblebee Man.
