A whale of a prospect plus a bad oblique leads to a a closed Beachy. Enter Julio Teheran. Well, reenter Julio Teheran. Teheranasaurus Rex! First, let’s see what Stephen said about him, “Easily the best story of the 2010 minor league year. Teheran throws a 92 to 96 MPH fastball, an above-average changeup, and a more consistent breaking pitch. Teheran is considered a top 5 pitching prospect in the minors, if not top three. Finally, I hope Grey gets his mustache caught in the gears of a car.” Hmm… Maybe I should’ve read what he wrote before quoting him. Anyhoo! Don’t judge Teheran on his messy first start in the bigs. He should be grabbed in most competitive leagues. Should have a 7+ K/9 and a high 3 ERA with a chance for a lot more. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Chris Carpenter – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was handily beat by Wood (6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks). In honor of the Carpenter/Wood matchup, everyone in attendance received a bill for $5000 for a picket fence that wasn’t completed correctly.
Lance Berkman – 5 for his last 28, hitting .179 in May. Okay, so two of those five were homers, but still without the inflated average from April, you wouldn’t be happy owning him right now.
Fernando Salas – Looks like the spinning bottle stopped on someone new this weekend. Dave Duncan said Sanchez is no longer the closer, after naming him the closer three days ago. That’s not a closerousel. THIS IS A CLOSEROUSEL! Duncan said Salas would now have the shot at closing games. So, if you’re reading between the lines, he’s actually saying Salas would be the next person to lose the job of closer. The Cardinals closer spin cycle is set to wishy-washy.
Ramon Hernandez – Hit three homers in the last two games. He’s hotter than a habanero’s ass right now. Whatever that means.
Aroldis Chapman – 1/3 IP, 4 ER. As any pitching coach will tell you, you never lead off an inning with a walk. It comes back to haunt you. Especially if you walk 3 of the next 4 batters too. If he were any wilder, they’d change his name to Gene.
Jorge Posada – Yankees said Posada just didn’t want to bat ninth so he pulled himself from Saturday’s game. Posada’s wife bastardized Reggie by saying that’s the straw that broke his back, or some shizz. Imagine if Big Stein was around during the age of Twitter. Steinbrenner tweeting from the grave, “My men told me Phelps!” As far as fantasy baseball goes, I don’t want Posada on any team. He’s hitting the interstate, and that interstate is about as pleasant to ride on as the Cross Bronx Expressway to a Yankee game.
Nick Markakis – 3-for-5, and his 4th home run. I am Sparkakis!
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. He was featured in Friday’s Buy column. Go ahead, scroll to that post. It’ll burn 7 calories.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer since he returned from the DL. Here’s what I said in the preseason about Hardy, “Hardy could be a nice endgame target in AL-Only leagues. Though a full season of at-bats is far from a guarantee with Hardy. Though II, The Return of Though, in a full season of ABs, Hardy’s should be good for 17 to 22 homers. Though III, The Bride of Though, his average won’t be pretty.” And that’s me quoting me!
Matt Joyce – 2-for-3, now has 4 homers in the last week. Looks like someone stole whatever it was Fuld was dwinking.
Coco Crisp – 1-for-3 with a home run and two steals. Coco Crisp got the slam & legs, which could hurt his Kellogg’s endorsements.
Josh Collmenter – Another great start on Saturday. From a guy who had a 5.77 ERA in Triple-A, but good numbers elsewhere in the minors. I’d take a flyer in certain deeper mixed leagues. He is not a sub-1 ERA guy, as he’s currently sporting. He could easily go out and roofie you next time out.
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-3 with his 10th home run yesterday, while he bats .252. Considering the mess 3rd base is this year, I’d take it. Oh, and I’m farting in your general direction, Pedro Alvarez.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4 with his 2nd home run of the year, but he hasn’t done much since his call up. Him and Ian Stewart should put their salaries together and take all of their fantasy owners of the last two years out to dinner.
Brandon League – He’s now at 0-4 with three blown saves and 10 earned runs over his last three innings. Rocco DiSpirito’s mom called. She wants her meatballs back. Wedge said that League would remain the closer for the time being, but that time being not very long by my approximation. I’d grab Jamey Wright for a potential change in roles.
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, now with a 3.05 ERA on the year. A few weeks ago, we traded Brandon League and Aardsma for Kennedy. Thank you, come again.
Chipper Jones – Has a tear in his meniscus. That is Glass Chipper’s favorite cuss word.
Andy Dirks – Called up by the Tigers to replace the DL’d Magglio No-Soul-Glo-io. AL-Only’ers should take a flyer, for sure. In mixed leagues, I’d hold for now, though, knowing Leyland, Dirks will probably be hitting in the three hole. I’m only half kidding. Dirks has pretty modest power and slightly better speed, but not a burner. 10/15 would be the best case scenario over a full season and that’s not a guarantee at this point.
Mat Latos – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks in Coors. I’ll say it for you. Sonavabench! This decent-enough start by Latos is coming off a terrible one. That’s an issue. You don’t know when to start him. Another issue, he’s yet to go past six and a third innings in any start. If Latos only pitches into the sixth, there’s not much chance for wins when the Padres score about as much as you when you were rocking that Member’s Only jacket. Final issue comes via Men’s Health, Latos is gonna break down.
Jonathon Lucroy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run in his last three games. We dropped Posada and grabbed Lucroy in one league, hoping his average can help fix Posada’s lotta nada (<–alliteration in lieu of wit!).
Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks with his owners with a conshellation prize. Has a 6.60 ERA so far, and nowhere near the dominance one expects from Greinke, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — I think he’s just rusty and he’s going to find his groove shortly.
Clint Barmes – 1-for-2 with his 1st home run. I really hope this is the start of something because I actually own this schmohawk in one league. Though, because of injuries and slumps, that team currently looks like Rocky Dennis.
Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his first homer. I should probably own this middle infidel instead of Barmes. Turner doesn’t have a huge upside (though his backside… Well, he’s stocky). His best case scenario is 12 homers and 7 steals. It’s just a’ight, which is obviously short of all right.
Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Even without looking at his xFIP, I can tell you he’s unlucky to have a 4.85 ERA. I’d grab him in all leagues and ignore the ERA.
Jose Bautista – 3 home runs, 16 on the year. You know what? I was wrong thinking he wasn’t for real. If he hits 40 homers this year, wouldn’t surprise me at this point. That really bothers me. I wish I believed in him. I wish I owned him all over the place, because not only did he screw me last year, but he’s doing it again. It gets me legitimately angry, which means I take this either seriously or too seriously. Fantasy baseball, for those times your friends and family don’t stress you enough. What’s really screwed up about Bautista’s last two years is it means we’re all just living inside Jose Bautista’s dream world. Someone spin their top. Please.