Apparently, A-Rod’s got a bucket list (get creative with letter replacements for b) that he wrote when he was 15 years old. Madonna, check. Cameron Diaz, check. Christie Brinkley, check. “I wonder if Phoebe Cates will come to my pool party.” To spice things up, he puts on Betamax copies of Skinemax movies. “Oh, Emmanuelle…” Who needs Derek Jeter’s rejects when you can have Mickey Rourke’s? So with the media circus surrounding Jeter’s 3000 hit, Rudy and I both couldn’t make it out to The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built, but we were able to send Keith Morrison of Dateline. “Hello, I’m Keith Morrison of Dateline. It’s in this small, bucolic town, the South Bronx, that Alex Rodriguez calls home. Everything seemed right in the world this weekend. The famed Yankee captain, Derek Jeter, did what no other Yankee had done before, but quietly in the corner of the clubhouse something was brewing below the surface — A-Rod’s knee and his love of cougars.” A-Rod is going to miss the next 6 weeks or so with knee surgery. If you’re wondering if your team will be all right without his power, look at his stats for the last month. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
CC Sabathia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks while A-Rod made eyes at his mom.
Paul Maholm – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Now has a season ERA of 2.96. Has helped me remove some of the odor from dropping Anibal the first week of the season.
Pedro Alvarez – It’s a cruel twist of fate when you draft someone, they suck, get injured and then sadly you leave them on your DL for two months hoping they’ll turn their season around when they return only to be demoted. Unfortunately, the cruelness won’t end there because I’ll probably draft him again next year. Alvarez, please use an alternate route than Ian Stewart.
Jake Peavy – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. There’s guys like Luebke on your waivers and you continue to roll out Peavy. That there is why you’re losing. Sorry, it’s Tough Love Time with Grey Albright. Our next guest will be the guy who still has Pedro Alvarez on his team. Wait, that’s me. No, tables, don’t turn!
Adam Dunn – Hit a homer on Friday and that’s it all weekend. They should put him in the Home Run Derby so we can see our first strikeout.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Didn’t say I didn’t like him when I said to sell him on Friday. Don’t put words in mouth, you know I don’t like that. Now eat your vegetables.
Carlos Gonzalez – Headed for an MRI on Monday. Wait, that’s today? Unless you’re in New Zealand — weirdos! If it’s bad news about the CarGo MRI, I give you permission to cry if A) You own him. B) You’re a Rockies fan. C) There’s no C.
Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Here’s what I said after his last start, “Hopefully he’ll start to turn things around again. Just putting that out into the universe. It’s the secret.” It works! Now if I could win the lottery… Wink-wink, Universe. Are you listening? BTW, speaking of having more money than you know what to do with, I was watching Real Sports the other day and they had a segment on Saadi Gaddafi. He threw his money around to get on a professional soccer team and, even though he was worse than a high school player, no one said anything because he could have them killed. Then he hired the shamed Olympic gold medalist, Ben Johnson, to teach him how to run. I won’t give away the whole thing, but seek it out. It’s brilliant.
Mark Trumbo – 4 homers in the last five games to bring his season tally to 17. I actually find it more surprising that the Sciosciapath hasn’t decided to randomly bench him for Jeff Mathis or Maicer Izturis.
Eric Thames -3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th home run. Nice of Bautista to let him carry the home run conch shell for one day.
Brett Cecil – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. I will now pick him up in every league and potentially bench him for his next start, depending on the matchup. It’s all about the dangling modifier. That’s what she said!
Wandy Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. The Wandwagon has come off the tracks three of the last four starts. He’s around a 3.50 ERA pitcher and his season ERA sits at 3.52. So I guess he’ll now shave off that .02, and that’s my two cents.
Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-3 with 3 steals. Now has 5 steals in his last 3 games. Emily Boneface isn’t just an awkwardly translated name, it’s a steals machine. BTW, I wonder if Josh’s brother, Gosh Johnson, ever did any scenes with Emily Boneface.
Chase Utley – 2-for-4 with 2 steals. Now has 8 steals and 4 homers. Didn’t he have knee problems? So now he’s a speedster with little power? I’m more confused by what he’s doing this season than Charlie Manuel watching Jeopardy.
Raul Ibanez – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 2nd homer this weekend. Giraffe’s gestation period is shorter than it took Ibanez to get hot, but he’s there now. Actually, I looked at Ibanez in one league last week and wish I grabbed him, but I got William Shatner finger and I….just…couldn’t….pick…him…up.
Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks. You’re only looking at him because he was good like five years ago.
Francisco Cordero – Who was the one who went into the bathroom and forget to flush? *Cordero blushes.* Dusty would be one of the slower managers to react to a faltering closer, but CoCo is doing everything in his power to make him flinch. You can handcuff with Aroldis, who should be owned anyway.
Mark Reynolds – Should be fine after being hit on the hand by a Weiland pitch. Supposedly, Weiland was mad Reynolds compared him to Eddie Vedder.
Vladimir Guerrero – Will also be fine after being hit by a pitch. In the bullpen, Kevin Gregg hulk-smashed a gagged-and-bound Johnny Pesky.
Nate Schierholtz – 4-for-4 on Sunday, hitting near .400 over the last week. With a last name that is German for pantyhose, you’d think he’d generate more excitement for me. He just doesn’t give huge power or speed.
Javy Guerra – Got two saves this weekend. Looks like he’s officially won the job of Dodgers closer, which is like beating conjoined twins in a race to put on pants.
Ted Lilly – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’s been like the NL Liriano and Scherzer, so it pains me to point out Lilly was solid after the break last year (3.17 ERA).
Andre Ethier – 2 homers. Now on pace for 17 homers. No wonder Kemp pulls all the ladies.
David Wright – Supposed to start a rehab assignment on Wednesday. Mets said he should be back sometime in July. They failed to mention what year.