What a turd baby of fantasy baseball advice Karabell laid the other day when he revealed his new rankings. Wasn’t it just a few weeks ago that he ranked Webb number one overall? In his recap of his rankings, he hits upon Edinson Volquez, someone he absolutely believed in a few weeks ago. Naturally, after seeing Volquez pitch superbly for the last few weeks, Karabell is moving Volquez up his rankings, right? Nope, just as Volquez starts to look like he’s the real deal, Karabell bumps him down the list.
After a few weeks, he says Jay Bruce is going to be this year’s Braun. Yes, I realize Jay Bruce is the only known offspring of Superman and Wonder Woman, but Braun’s numbers last year were a once in a lifetime deal. To say a hitter, who majored in striking out in the minors, is going to match Braun is dangerous hyperbole.
Later, when Karabell says he’s totally on board with Josh Hamilton, it scares the beejezus out of me, because I have Hamilton on a few teams where Josh has carried the offense and I need him to keep producing. Why would that giant melonhead jinx Hamilton? Ugh. Don’t worry, we shouldn’t pay too much credence to any of this because he listed Nate McLouth as a possible sell-high guy. That’s right, a week after he said McLouth would win his fictitious Fantasy MVP. Hey, Karabell, go get your shinebox!
Aaron Harang is not a bad pitcher. Actually, he hasn’t even been bad this year. (Okay, he hasn’t been good either.) If I may turn my hat crooked, Harang just had some straight-up bad luck, yo. You want numbers? How about these? His BABIP .335, that’s bad luck. His K/9 is around 8. That’s very solid. Three year ERA, 3.77. He’s at 4.33. So that should come down. He’s a workhorse, so that’s a lot of IP with good numbers. Going forward, Harang should have good numbers across the board minus wins; those I can’t guarantee. But chasing wins is a losing man’s game. (Hey, that was a pretty clever turn of a phrase. If I had an internet page of quotes like Oscar Wilde or Mitch Hedberg, that would be 17th. 16th would be, “Can I get an Amen, Sherman Hemsley?” and 18th would be “Dance With Me here, Orleans.” But I digress.) So what do you do with this Harang-a-tang of info? You go trade for him, that’s what you do. Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball players to buy or sell:
BUY
Robinson Cano – On my gravestone it will say, “I told you I was ill” and my legacy will be pimping Cano for two months straight.
Jo-Jo Reyes – Someone mentioned in the comments yesterday that they haven’t heard anything about him. Reyes has really gone under the radar for me. I only mentioned to pick him up here, here, here, here, here. The first mention was a day after his first start of ’08. If you guys (and possibly one or two girls, but highly doubtful) want, change your fantasy baseball password to what I use, “GreyIsFortified” and I’ll do your drops and adds.
Chase Headley – Kouzmanoff has done a lot of nothing since last year. Now he’s supposedly suffering from a sore back.
Jeff Francis – Very serviceable coming into this year until he was completely derailed in his quest to match Snell in a game of onedownmanship. His next game is against the Royals. If he pitches well, he’ll be a hot add. You’ve been warned. Or as they say in knitting circles, you’ve been yarned.
Jeff Baker – Rudy liked him coming into the year, then he fell out of favor (Baker, not Rudy). Rudy’s adding him all over the place again.
Kory Casto – On most days, he’s starting in place of Wily Mo Pena; I like Casto in NL-Only leagues. But remember, “Person who dance with Nats is easily bored.”
Jeff Keppinger – I wait with bated breath to start him in a NL-Only league. (BTW, it is bated, not baited. Check yo’self, fool.) Keppy’s about a week away from coming back.
Mike Aviles – Seems like people are falling over themselves to add this dude. I can understand it. As I’ve said many times before, when you’re dealing with MI, CI, UT or fifth starters, you want to take a gamble. There’s no point in fielding a boring, safe guy. (That’s not to say there’s no point in fielding a productive, safe guy. There is a difference. Figuring out the difference was my minor at The Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston.)
Eric Byrnes – Nope, I don’t like him, but I feel like no one likes him at this point. If everyone’s zigging, why aren’t you zagging? Would be worth seeing how cheaply you can grab Byrnes. I’d think you can get him for next to nothing and he could prove a valuable fifth outfielder in the 2nd half of the year.
Josh Willingham – It says he’s owned in 93% of all ESPN leagues. Now I’m assuming 99% of ESPN leagues are drafted in March then the owners never look at their team again. If this is not the case and people have been holding onto Willingham and wasting a lineup spot all of this time, you are going to make me blow a blood vessel. Now everyone who dropped Willingham, you can go get him again.
SELL
Jake Peavy – I love Peavy, but as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’m selling. Call me conservative, but I can’t wrap my mind around pitchers with recent arm troubles.
Kevin Kouzmanoff – See Headley, Chase or about three and two-thirds of an inch above.
Hiroki Kuroda – He wasn’t that bad when he was in there, but now he has shoulder tendinitis. Punt.
J.D. Drew – With my hands in my pockets, I stood next to J.D. Drew as he talked to Manny. I waited for an introduction. They laughed about Youkilis’s party out on The Cape. Apparently, Manny read from his journal of poems that he wrote while in left field. They laughed and I punched Drew in the mouth.
Joe Saunders – I think he’s already been on a Sell List. Hmm… Well, here he is again, because he’s keeping up this unsustainable start!
Aaron Cook – Full disclosure, I’ve had him in a mixed ten team league for two months and have reaped a lot of his benefits. I know he’s not really this good; everyone knows this. This isn’t a “sell” as much as a “be glad for what you got and be ready to drop.”
Joe Nathan – I could’ve put Mariano Rivera here instead of Taipei Slinklo or any other top closer. (I could’ve even put Beanie McDougalston, but that’s a made up name.) Because at the end of the year, when everything’s said and done, do you ever look in the mirror and say, “I am so glad I had Taipei Slinklo. And damn my hair looks good,” or do you say, “I’m glad I traded Joe Nathan for Harang. And damn my hair looks good?” You tell me. Tell me!
USA Today might no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….
Hello, fantasy baseball fans in America and abroad! I can’t believe the season is almost half over. Or is it half-full?…. Aren’t the Rangers something? Milton Bradley should add “Fun For All Ages” at the end of his name…. Why can’t Josh Hamilton play every position and call himself a PitCatch1st2nd3rdShortOutman?…. I’m going to live in a bubble so I reach my 200s…. Willie Randolph’s tenure was short but dignified just like Mickey Rooney…. Was anyone else surprised Miguel Tejada made news for lying about his age? Maybe my third wife had a right to be mad…How come they don’t describe tall players like Chris Young as statuesque?…..Go see Sex In The City. Sarah Jessica Parker is enchanted and I like her nose!… Maybe the Middle East should have Jim Leyland coach it through bad times…. I’d like to make a Fearless Award and give it to Jim Eisenreich….I wonder how you say sprained foot in Taiwanese. I bet it sounds delicious…. Joe Torre just called and said L.A. fans are the greatest in the world…. I think there should be Mount Rushmore for Michael Bourn, Juan Pierre and Willy Taveras — they’re fast!…. Why can’t the cable company call me when I’m not home?…. No, I don’t want any additional stations…. Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a post for Razzball.com…. I thought you were Torre calling back to say something else insightful…. I ran into Antonio Banderas the other day, he’s hilarious…. Acorns are my favorite part of trees…. Okay, I’m hanging up on the cable company now…. My fantasy baseball team’s name is Jews Dig The Long Ball and it’s led by Ryan Braun and Ryan Zimmerman…. Why isn’t every color blue?…. I’d love to get stuck in an elevator with Sean Casey and Carol Channing. What a hoot that would be!…. Don’t you think they should go back in time and change the name of marshmallows to yummy-yum-yums?…. Mad About You is the only show I’ll never tire of. If Paul Reiser were a baseball player, he’d be Jorge Cantu because of his inability to do anything wrong….Are grapes and olives related in any way?
Mike Gonzalez is now the closer of the Braves. Right? Right…. Kinda. He’s going to be closing games when he’s available. Cox may take it easy on him since he’s coming back from Tommy John surgery. Gonzalez was not rushed through rehab, so that’s a good thing. Barring an injury, there’s no reason why Gonzalez can’t save 20 games this year. (<—– That’s my projections for Gonzalez.) Soriano might grab another couple and Acosta might snatch a few more. Mike Gonzalez is not some schmohawk that just turned up on the Braves roster. He was an effective closer on the Pirates. He can be again. If Ryan Franklin and Salomon Torres can earn saves, then goddamnit, so can Mike Gonzalez. Okay, now go pick him up. As if he’s still on waivers in any league. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball yesterday:
Carlos Zambrano – Left the game with an apparent injury to his shoulder. Maybe it was the 3.7 million pitches he’s thrown in the last year or two.
Jeremy Guthrie – Guess his line. Seriously. I’ll wait. *taps foot* Okay, I’ll tell you. 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, 1 BB, 8 Ks, no decision.
Russell Branyan – Do I have to mention him? People know what’s here, right? Three Outcome Dude — HR/K/BB.
Oliver Perez – **Writing this before the game** 6 IP, 7 Ks, 2.00 WHIP, 6.00 ERA **okay, back** I was high on Ks, but right on for IP, WHIP and ERA. I have to say, I didn’t feel confident about this one because he’s so erratic. I started him in one league where I’m hurting for pitching and now I’ve dropped him for Campillo (whose next start is against the M’s).
James Loney – Hit HR yesterday, now hitting over .390 for June. He still yawnstipates me.
Kevin Kouzmanoff – Sore back that could land him on the DL. Headley started at 3rd and hit a HR. Yo, Kouz, you’ve been Pipp’d. (Now Headley just needs to start another 2129 straight games. Just in case, we should call him Biscuit Pants.)
Barry Zito – 5 R in 2 IP. SI.com informs us he’s not provided adequate value for his large free agent contract. Thanks, SI.com. I guess it could be worse – they could’ve put him on the cover and jinxed him. That prevented a maple bat from shattering and slicing his guitar strumming hand. Hey, Zito — stubble is for winners!
Johnny Damon – He’s hitting .433 in 67 AB since June 1st. Cust kayin’.
Homer Bailey – Back to the minors. I have a vision of what I’m going to write in March of ’09, “Don’t draft Homer Bailey. Way too risky. BTW, I love these new flying cars.”
Chase Utley – He is 0 for his last 20. Just as disturbing, a cat in Philadelphia was left stranded in a tree as a little girl cried for help. We still believe in ya, Chase. It’s just a bad week, Champ, right?
Nomar Garciaparra – Hit a home run and is due to be back next week as the Dodgers SS. Sounds like everything’s going right for Nomar, but he looked glum after the game. When asked why, he said, “I forgot to make Mia lunch. She’s gonna kill me.” Aw, Nomar. That’s a sad emoticon for you.
Geovany Soto – Hitting .213 since June 1. Next thing you know he’ll be picking a fight with Carlos Zambrano.
Hard Rock Cafe – It was announced that a Hard Rock Cafe will run a restaurant in the Yankee outfield. Can’t wait to hear this guy jam there.
Sidney Ponson – The Yanks just signed him. Hey Bawston, I got your Colon right here!
2008 Fantasy Baseball is similar to every of year of fantasy baseball in its dissimilarity of the similar. Hey, I sound like Dr. Suess after three Coladas. (BTW, I’m not implying Dr. Seuss was a drunk. He seemed like a peyote man to me.) To paraphrase Sinatra, “Fantasy baseball surprises… Yeah, we’ve had a few.” Since it’s almost halfway through the 2008 season, here’s a look at the top twenty fantasy baseball surprises according to me. Who am I? The CEP (Chief Executive ‘Pert) for the number one fantasy baseball blog. That’s who. (Or whom. I can’t ever figure out the difference. I never said we were the number one Who/Whom blog. But if we were, Who would write for it. Or Whom. Or would they have one blog author that was Who and the dissenting opinion would be Whom?) Anyway, here’s 2008′s biggest fantasy baseball surprises:
20. Justin Duchscherer – Why isn’t Scot Shields starting for the Angels? Can’t Broxton go six? Damaso Marte has to be better than all of the Pirates starters, right?
19. Ryan Dempster – At least Dook-sheer was good as a reliever. Seriously, my head is spinning from Dempster’s season thus far. My head isn’t meant to spin!
18. Xavier Nady – Two days after the season started, I said pick him up cause you never know how long guys will stay hot. You are only lying to yourself if you listened to me. I didn’t even listen to me.
17. Cristian Guzman – What gets him on this list? Being less awful than is expected. Tallest midget on the list. (I didn’t use the term “little person” because “little person” groups midgets and dwarfs together. This seems to be selling both groups short. Pun obviously intended. Don’t make me point out the obvious!)
16. Nate McLouth – ADP 194. Yeah, that’s McValue.
15. Jason Bay – Maybe this is only a surprise to me, but I thought he was toast. (Here’s someone who never stopped believing.)
14. Jorge Cantu - More valuable than Ryan Howard, Prince Fielder, Justin Morneau, Aramis Ramirez, Garret Atkins, Carlos Guillen and the guy he replaced, Miguel Cabrera. Seriously, you could’ve drafted Cantu in the first round and it would’ve worked out for you. Now you figure out this game of fantasy baseball.
13. Jacoby Ellsbury – 34 steals; 36 steals for all Red Sox not named Jacoby.
12. Victor Martinez – Kelly Shoppach would’ve gave you more value. (For those unfamiliar with that name, it is not the name of Zach’s girlfriend in Saved By The Bell, but I don’t fault you for thinking so.)
11. Ervin Santana – Johan, Carlos and Tito move over; there’s a new Santana in town.
10. Miguel Cabrera – Joe Crede outperforming Miggy. Maybe Miggy should’ve stayed fat.
8. Kerry Wood – Still healthy as he vies for Comeback Player of the Year honors. (BTW, recent winners of Comeback Player of the Year are Carlos Pena, Dmitri Young, Nomar, Thome, Konerko and Javy Lopez, so if Kerry makes it to October healthy, I still won’t be excited about him in ’09.)
7. Troy Tulowitzki – When the injury came, half of me (the Lily Tomlin half) was actually happy I could pull him from my lineup.
6. J.J. Putz – Has made Mariners fan miss Miguel Batista, the closer.
5. Milton Bradley – In the beginning of the year, Milton Bradley would have punched you in your stupid face if you told him he was going to be in contention for a Triple Crown. Why? Because.
4. Carlos Quentin – CQ has performed much better than the crappy Coppola movie of the same name. (Speaking of which, at what point do The Godfather/Apocalypse Now favors end? The Coppola surname has wasted at least 300 hours of my life. And I’m subtracting the two hours for the wine tasting at his vineyard. My buzz was the least he could’ve done.)
3. Cliff Lee – The Mets hiring Zsa Zsa Gabor to replace Willie Randolph would be less surprising than his first 13 games started.
2. Edinson Volquez – I begged with you all to draft him before the year began. (BTW, in the same piece I point out how Karabell was wrong for being down on him. Seriously, he is ESPN’s top fantasy analyst — wow.) Of course, I didn’t even think Volquez would be sitting on the major league lead in strikeouts and ERA.
1. Josh Hamilton – Now the crack of the bat is the only crack Josh needs.
