He likes school to start so he can skip class.  He doesn’t befriend the incoming freshmen, but he does tell his friends, “Yo, man, let up on him,” then helps the freshman nerd down from the back of the locker hook.  They, him and the freshman nerd, nod at each other, an understanding.  Chris Parmelee just likes September.  Last year, he hit 4 homers and a .355 average in September.  Maybe it’s because of that goth chick he used to date that showed him the virtues of September, and its dying flowers.  Maybe it’s because his abusive father left his family in September seventeen years ago.  Maybe it’s because he plays in Minnesota and in September the girls finally start covering up.  The preceding was an excerpt from Chris Parmelee’s autobiography, “Running With Scissors and a Chicken Parm Sandwich,” which was ghost written by the guy who wrote the early 80’s film, My Bodyguard.  The book jacket has his minor league stats:  17 homers, .338/.457/.645 in 64 games in Triple-A this year; he’s ready for the major leagues.  In 48 games with the Twins, he has 5 homers and he’s striking out a little too much.  He might not get you a .270 average, and the chapters in his book about when he went to live with his psychiatrist, who operated out of the back of a pizzeria, are dry, but he should be owned for his power.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Andrew Cashner – Stop me if you’ve heard this one before–

A.J. Griffin – He goes against F-Her tonight and then gets the Angels next in an away game.  Not the best matchups for Alfredo Jettucine, but in 51 2/3 IP he has a 2.26 ERA and 0.89 WHIP.  He’s basically giving you a season of one of the better middle men in the matter of 9 starts.  For more, read my A.J. Griffin fantasy, I wrote it while crimping my chest hair.

Daniel Straily – I went over Straily this morning and recently over my Daniel Straily fantasy.  Just Find and Replace the when’s with now’s.

Jason Hammel – Has a purdy K-rate, a purdy ERA and a purdy face.  What, you don’t like purdy?

Hishashi Iwakuma – Not really sure how he’s owned in only 37% of leagues with his barely over 3 ERA, but he gets the A’s next time out and the Stream-o-Nator likes it.  Stream-o-Nator, “That Parmelee story made me want to stop bullying nerds.  I won’t, but it made me want to.”

Ross Detwiler – Detwiler comes with a caveat.  The Nats are bleeding starter innings with the loss of Strasburg.  While they probably won’t shut down Detwiler, because, let’s face it, they don’t care if they blow out his arm.  Sorry, I’m just be real with you.  You see the truth is, everybody wanna know how close me and Detwiler is and who I’m still cool with.  The Nats are trying to conserve him, so they’ve got him on a pretty low pitch count.

Brandon League – There’s no saying if League will get saves or Belisario.  I’d go with League first, though our closer report writer, Blairtch, gave the nod to Belisario first.  Will probably be a combination of both.  Will Probably would also be the name of my superhero alter ego who you can sometimes count on when the going gets a little tough, but not too tough.   “I heard your cat is stuck in your tree!”  “Yes, Will Probably, and now the tree’s on fire!”  “Oh, well, I only had half of that information.”  “Will Probably?!”

Luke Gregerson – The Padres might go to Layne for the occasional save and Street could return and, well, it’s the Padres, but SAGNOF!

Glen Perkins – The Twins have not ruled out Capps returning this season.  The Twins made that announcement to finalize Matt Capps’s family carpool plans.  Now his wife can’t get on his case about when he can drive the kids to school.

Mark Reynolds – Mini Donkey is actually on a good tear recently, not like when he was tearing his fantasy owners a new one for four months.

John Mayberry Jr. – Hitting near .450 with two homers in the last week.  Who shot Jr. in the ass?

Jordan Pacheco – Like any full-blooded American male, whenever I hear the name Jordan, I immediately think of Michael Jordan and Jordan Catalano.  Pacheco doesn’t have huge upside but he’s currently hitting (over .400 with 2 homers in the last week).

Chris Carter – He has 14 homers in 52 games.  In a full season, he could hit 30 homers, but will he ever reveal what happened to The Smoking Man?  Actually, I have no idea if that makes sense.  I never saw The X-Files.  I’m not a dork!  Anyway, back to fantasy baseball…

Norichika Aoki – On the year, he’s been Aoki dokie.  *giggle, snort, breathe*  If you need steals, runs and average, I’d go with him.

Luke Scott – Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.

Adam Eaton – I just went over my Adam Eaton fantasy.  I wrote it while watching the season finale of Newsroom wondering if I sent a bill to Sorkin for my 10 hours wasted if he’d reimburse me.

Dewayne Wise – He has five steals in the last week, and I feel another full-Fudd werse coming on… “Yo, it’s Wewayne Wise and your chair on The SAGNOF Woice better be spinning awound, and don’t be wicking me up just cuz Rajai’s wissed you off and you’re on the rewound… My weapon of woice is my whell-top Wadidas and they’re waced up with a dookie-wat Wenz wemblem that I stole from you — no stwife, your team is in a wurgatory without steals, then wook me, officer, Wewayne Wise’s in for wife!  Wide or wie.”

Everth Cabrera – For EverCab’s next song, he’s going to be playing a B-side, “Heartspark Stealsign.”

Donovan Solano – I just went over him this morning.  Use your scrolly finger and go down.

Erik Kratz – In the landmark case of Sooner v. Later, he’ll go ice cold, but he has been hitting for power recently, and he sounds like the son of the nosy neighbor in a 50’s sitcom.

Josh Donaldson – “He’s eligible at catcher.”  “What is the reason why you would pick up Donaldson, Alex?  Oh, and, Alex, your top lip looks barren and boring and stupid and you were my idol, how could you shave your stache?”

SELL

Dan Uggla – The Braves dropped him from their lineup, but you’re holding on to him because…?  You like how he fills out his Affliction shirt?  (That’s the third Giambi brother behind him.)  You think he’s gonna string together another 30 game hit streak in the last 25 games?  You’re afraid of success?  Throw out Uggla, fix up your resume and get yourself a new job!  Sorry, tough love.

Brian McCann – The Braves are talking about him losing time to David Ross.  This is not due to David Ross hitting that magical 35-year-old season.

Ichiro Suzuki – I don’t say this comparison because they’re both Asian, but it made me think of it…Okay, I do say it for that reason.  Norichika has been better than Ichiro the whole season, and is currently better than him.  In 41 games with the Yankees, Ichiro has 3 homers, 4 steals while hitting .271.  The Yankees should lock Ichiro in a closet and pretend they never traded for him.  This is Ichiro going into the closet.  “Hey, Beltran, how long you been in the closet?”  I keed.  Or do I?

Starlin Castro – Who doesn’t love to show their frenemies their fantasy baseball teams in October and say, “Look at what I won with?”  Then they see Everth Cabrera and they’re confounded, “How did you win with Everth Cabrera?”  That is the secret to fantasy baseball in September, young ninja.  (BTW, if you’re gonna be a ninja and dress like a ninja then you’ll want to get a better shampoo, the dandruff is kinda giving you away on that black.) If you win your league, I guarantee someone will look at your team at the end of the year and be completely confused by some of the guys you own.  That could mean making some hard decisions.  Starlin Castro will be great again next year, and had a nice run for about 3 and a half months this year, but he’s been death over the last month.  In the month of August, he hit 2 homers and .252.  In September, he hasn’t done much either.  Right now, your best friend is our last twenty day player rater.  Don’t worry about name value, worry about getting the most stats you can.

 
  1. Grey's da man! says:
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    Wise or C Gomez?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Gomez

  2. Grey's da man! says:
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    And can you please rank: Cain, Venable, Maybin

    Thanks!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Maybin, Cain…

  3. poop says:
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    is MAtt Harvey getting shutdown?? and if so should i snag ross D off wire

    second part drop castro for E cab?
    H2H league

    wieters
    pujols
    phillips
    beltre
    castro
    bruce
    grandy
    heyward
    bj upton

    arms
    SP: minor, medlen, scherzer, latos, iwakuma, stults casnher smardja, straily
    RP reed soriano

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Harvey is being shutdown… Yes, on EverCab if you need steals… Pick up who? David Ross? Not if you have Wieters…

      • poop says:
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        @Grey, ross detwiler

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Yeah, lose Harvey for Detwiler…

  4. B.o.B says:
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    Chooch activated from the DL. Is he a must add heading into the playoffs? I have Lucroy in one league and Doumit in another.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I’d see how he looks first before grabbing him…

  5. Hank says:
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    yahoo wont let me drop trumbo….this makes me sad

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Really? That’s surprising, he doesn’t seem like the caliber of an undroppable player…

  6. RTP says:
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    Gearing up for playoffs next week…. who would u roll at 3b?

    Mini Donk (home vs NYY and TB)
    Chris Davis (home vs NYY and TB)
    Pedro Alvarez (home vs CHC and @ CIN)

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Reynolds

  7. J-Birdis says:
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    1. Which C in an RCL for rest of the way… Rosario, Iannetta, or Ruiz (just activated)

    2. Has Dunn reached dropable status?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Wilin… Yup…

  8. Jermo says:
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    Drop milone for cashner?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I would…

  9. TheNewGuy says:
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    Plouffe, Lind, Machado. Pick 2 outta 3.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Not Machado…

  10. ThE sHiT says:
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    @Grey: Im rockin Starlin at SS. Guys like Machado, Seager, Plouffe, Aybar, Rutledge, Cruz, and Solano are available. Drop an extra SP for one of these guys?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Nah, I’d hold there…

  11. I understand Cashner’s likely to be on a pitch count, but if what I need is ratio help and Ks (and not necessarily wins) is he still a start tonight? He seems borderline in the SoN, but I’m guessing even that’s not a reliable measure since there’s no recent track record and he’s coming off the DL, right?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Yeah, I’m starting him for that reason…

  12. Chillmodious says:
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    1. If Ruiz looks good out of the gate, would you rather have him or Wilin the rest of the way?

    2. For NEXT week, I can play all of the following EXCEPT one player. Who gets the boot and who would be second in line?: Parmelee, Carlos Gomez, Pedro Alvarez, Moustakas, Coco Crisp, Youkilis

    3.

    4. Again with “If Ruiz…”: If Ruiz looks good, would you consider dropping League (4th closer) to roster him?

    5. Minor is @ Milwaukee on Monday. SON gives him an 88 (yikes!). Start or sit?

    Thanks, dude.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      1. Ruiz 2. Alvarez, Youk, unless you don’t need steals then Crisp… 4. Yup 5. I’d start him in most leagues…

      • Chillmodious says:
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        @Grey, Damn you love the Parm. I’m sad PAlvarez seems to be cooling so fast. One more less-than-stellar game and I’m dumping him for Parmelee.

        One last thing…Starling Marte was activated today and sitting on my DL. If I want to make a move, I either have to cut him or lose someone else to keep him. Leauge and PAlvarez are my rostered players closest to the chopping block. Ruiz and Parmalee are out there. I’m so confused. Help?

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          I’d cut Marte and Alvarez for Parm…

          • Chillmodious says:
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            @Grey, Would you take that a step further and also ditch League for Ruiz? Or perhaps cut Alvarez and League for Parm and then activate Marte?

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              Nah… And nah…

  13. Dynamite Dan says:
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    I need some Shmotato improvements.
    On the left is the bum/shmotato i currently owned. On the right is potential bums/free agents to pick up.
    Please pick 1 player from each group (and pick 2 for OF)

    1. C Rosario Santana, Lucroy, Donaldson, Grandal,
    2. 3b Pedro Alvarez Pacheco, Donaldson, Scutaro, Carroll, Nelson
    3. SS Aybar Rutledge, Scutaro, Carroll
    4. OF Venable Mayberry Jr., Parmelee, Reddick, Aoki, De Aza, . Moss, Jay, Moreland, Wise, Eaton,
    5. Util Rizzo Is he the best possible Util or is somebody above better?

    Sorry about the Gigantic posts with multiple questions but it would have been stupid of me to ask anything before your weekly buy/sell column.

    Thanks!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Dynamite Dan, 1. Wilin 2. Alvarez 3. Aybar 4. De Aza, Parmelee 5. Rizzo

  14. Hondo says:
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    Yet another Ruiz question.He’s on my DL,I have Perez who I just picked up for Ellis.

    Kinda got caught off guard on this one.I’ve got a bye week next week but I don’t want to have my roster locked by an active guy on the DL list in case a playoff team drops somebody out of survival mode.

    WWGD?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I’d lose Ruiz…

  15. Jon says:
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    Sounds like Lawrie is back from the DL. Is he a must-start this weekend in my H2H playoffs? I’d have to drop one of:

    Robot Jones, Frazier, Carter, Espinosa, Aybar

    Or I could lose a pitcher like Corbin, Anibal or Romo. Thoughts?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Lose Corbin…

      • Jon says:
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        @Grey, so you’d get Lawrie in my lineup if he’s in the Jays lineup?

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          I would, yeah…

  16. Carnac says:
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    Todd Frazier is starting at 3B again tonight.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Of course, because Dusty said he’d be benched…

      • Carnac says:
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        @Grey, Oh, he’ll be benched. But only against his best hitting matchups.

  17. Grey — I’ve got McCann in my 14-team roto league … the trade deadline’s past but I can’t really drop him, right?

    If that’s true, would you advise dropping a 5th OF (Delmon Young) or my backup at many positions who I haven’t played more than a couple of times since he came off the DL (Plouffe) or maybe even an ice-cold Konerko (I traded for him while Votto was on the DL and now he’s usually in the UTIL slot) for a catcher from waivers?

    The best available candidates are Arencibia, Grandal, Lucroy, Iannetta … or even David Ross.

    Also, are you worried at all about Bumgarner? His last three starts have been pretty ugly.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I’d lose Plouffe for Lucroy… I’m worried about Bum, but I’m starting him…

  18. Carnac says:
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    And Carlos Ruiz, who has been activated, is not starting.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Thanks for the heads up!

    • Chillmodious says:
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      @Carnac, I got all hyped to figure out how to add him, but then reality set in a bit: a week ago he was talking with his GM about a shutdown, Kratz has been better than serviceable lately, Ruiz will probably rest more often to avoid a recurrence of the injury. All these signs point to a very limited workload, even if he is solid when playing. I think I’m gonna move on for now.

      • Carnac says:
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        @Chillmodious, I kind of did the same; looking to see if it was worth eating up the roster moves to jettison any of my Cs… Ruiz not starting tonight, at best, punted the decision several days.

      • Carnac says:
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        @Chillmodious, And Ruiz now says he hopes to play 1-2 times a week. Move along, nothing to see here…