From:
To:
[puts on JPEGMAFIA, dances around my desk, because of the stop-and-go nature of the music and my white man’s underbite, I stutter-step and bite my lip] Ouch! [mumbling and spitting blood] My bloody lip is worth the pain to celly-brate the Vaughn Grissom Easter we just witnessed when the Red Sox traded Chris Sale for him. True story, I was purchasing a duck to make for NYE — Happy New Year! — so, I’m studying the duck prices — by the way, get a load of this shizz, two duck breasts were $75! Yo, Biden what the hell you doing here, bro? Then I saw a full duck was only $20, and I asked the butcher, how many breasts does a duck have? And he was like, “Much like a lady, it has two breasts.” So I did some janky butchering for NYE’s dinner! — any hoo! I was at the butcher when I saw the news come through about Grissom and I started yelling, “He’s alive!” And my butcher was like, “The duck?” No, bro! Not the duck! Vaughn Grissom! I just went back to revisit my Vaughn Grissom sleeper and my God did I love him, and none of that has dissipated. I’m just gonna let people go read what I said there and pretend last season never happened, because he didn’t have a down year, he had a “no year!” As long as his glove doesn’t annoy Cora too much and pull him from the lineup, we are looking again at a Vaughn Grissom sleeper, only 14 months later. For 2024, I’ll give Vaughn Grissom projections of 72/12/70/.286/26 in 517 ABs with a chance for much more. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in fantasy baseball:
Lucas Giolito – Signed with the Red Sox. [hands in prayer formation] All of those 465-foot homers are going to become 118 MPH singles off the wall! Can’t spell Lucas Giolito without Las go! It’s not quite Let’s Go, but I also can’t recommend him in any way, so that’s kind of perfect. Best part of this is likely that the Red Sox now won’t be tempted to insert Whitlock into the rotation. Is that a huge positive? No, but neither is Giolito. 2024 Projections: 11-13/4.34/1.35/208 in 188 IP
Chris Sale – Traded to the Braves. Okay, if the Braves turn Sale into a great pitcher again, they’re absolutely cheating. What I have been noticing more and more is teams are like, “Give us this great pitcher for 80-120 IP, then we’ll piece together the rest of our shizz.” Sale + AJ Smith-Shawver = Sale with ASS, but not lowercase ass, as long as Sale doesn’t get butt-hurt and throw a tantrum. With all that said, still better in real baseball than fantasy. I see Mitch Keller, Braxton Garrett, Hunter Brown or Michael King, all guys going in drafts within ten spots of Sale. Then throw-in age, health history, the fact that Sale hasn’t been good since, oh, I don’t know, 2018, and you really have to ask yourself, what are you doing drafting him? 2024 Projections: 10-6/3.84/1.14/138 in 115 IP
Frankie Montas – Signed with the Reds. Heard this news and briefly thought the Reds signed Frankie Muniz. Why the Reds signed him? To the tune of the Malcolm In The Middle theme, “You’re lost on me now…” Maybe I’m being too harsh, but — singing again, “Life is unfair…” — I’d try Nick Martinez over Montas and definitely not Montas over Lodolo, but I guess it’s a lottery ticket. With his shoulder issues, he’s nothing more. 2024 Projections: 7-8/4.14/1.28/112 in 121 IP
Zach Plesac – Signed with the Angels. Much like the Papa John’s he eats in every hotel hot tub on road trips, he has options. Whether that means pineapple, pepperoni or Salt Lake, we’ll see.
Mitch Garver – Signed with the Mariners. I’d love for him to kill my vibe with a 45-homer, 450 ABs season as he prorates out to each year, but, just maybe, there’s a reason why he averages 250 ABs a season. Just taking a wild guess a 33-year-old isn’t suddenly going to play twice as many games as he usually does. 2024 Projections: 41/18/48/.255 in 281 ABs
Estevan Florial – Traded to the Guards. He hit 28 homers and stole 25 bags in Triple-A last year, while hitting .284! Give Florial his flowers! Oh, wait, he’s 26 years old and looks like he could have a 35% K% in the majors, meaning he’s a .185 hitter? Oh, hmm, uhh…How about that speed and power though, baby! Yanks should be ashamed of themselves how they dragged their heels with this guy, so maybe there’s a chance he was swinging at everything in the minors to show he deserved a shot. Hitting .220 with a 25/25 season wouldn’t be awful for his draft price, but I don’t know if he gets the at-bats to get to 25/25 or “only” hits .220. 2024 Projections: 41/14/44/.214/14 in 303 ABs
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – Signed with the Jays. This offseason the Jays went from being linked to Ohtani and Bellinger to signing Kiermaier and IKF. [a smiling emoji stands on a chair with a rope hanging down from the ceiling]
