These regrets don’t harken back to the day I drafted Mike Greenwell over Ryan Klesko and his gorgeous sideburns, only to waste a career year from Ray Lankford. That was a miserable time to be Grey. I remember not brushing crumbs from my mustache for a month, and little kids coming up to me and asking me if I were homeless. I felt homeless! I’ll tell you that! No, no, these regrets are profound, but not THAT profound. These are regrets I’m feeling for the last month of fantasy baseball. Things I wish I did differently with my drafts or my rankings or my projections, but didn’t for one reason or another. Anyway, here’s my biggest regrets for the 2017 fantasy baseball preseason:
1. Why don’t I own Trevor Story anywhere?
He’s about to go 40/15/.275 and I have him on as many teams as I own Murphy beds, which is to say…I don’t own a Murphy bed! I’ve never even seen a Murphy bed outside of sitcoms that feature two polar opposite personalities who love each other despite their differences. I want Trevor Story everywhere, I ranked him high enough that I should own him. Yet, *left mouth says* bup, and *right mouth says* kis. Why are two mouths sounding out bupkis?! I regret this so much that my soul literally hurts. I have a hole in my heart that I’m trying to fill with Taco Bell!
2. I tripled down on Rougned Odor, so if he performs poorly, the irony of Odor stinking is gonna reverberate through my mind temple for months.
I love, love, lurve Odor. I stopped changing my socks in February so my feet would smell and Cougs would say, “What’s that odor?” and I’d be able to respond, “Rougned.” That’s how much I love him, but, Jesus Harry Christ, if Odor is bad, I’m in real trouble here. Pray with me we’re okay!
3. Man, I really went head over frickin’ heels for John Lackey.
Somehow I drafted Lackey on a bunch of teams, after not even ranking him in 2016. I don’t get this at all. I usually hate older players. I think Jose Abreu is too old, and he just turned 30! I’m an ageist for baseball players yet I married a Cougar. I’m a contradiction in terms. Those terms for Lackey are ‘be as good as you were last year again, please.’
4. I should’ve ranked Lance McCullers in the top 20 starters.
A little DVD Director’s Cut Easter egg for you. I had McCullers in the top 20 starters the night before I released the post on Razznation. I was ready to take the kerfuffle which came with the too aggressive ranking, but I kept reading about how McCullers had an arm injury last year, and I dropped him to the 28th best starter. Still higher than anyone I’ve seen, but I should’ve been more outlandish with my love, because McCullers is so special he deserves that praise. I wanna praise him like I should! Who am I, Fatboy Slim?
5. Why did I rank any catchers in my top 100 overall?
Like I did with my top 20 overall post by not ranking pitchers, I should’ve just ignored catchers in the top 100 overall. I’d never draft a top 100 catcher, I’d never tell you to draft one, I think it’s the most obscenely dopey thing when someone else drafts one in the top 100, yet, I have catchers in my top 100. Stupid is a disease, and I got it, WebMD says so.
6. Where’s the Ivan Nova sleeper post?
There should be one. Time just got away from me, and I didn’t get a chance to write it. I love Ivan Nova, and want to scream his name from the rooftops. Or, to better appeal to Apple customers, scream iVan Nova’s name. As I said in the top 80 starters, “Based on very little actual math and mostly gut, Nova feels like he could be one of those guys that breaks out and ends up a top 20 starter out of nowhere. When you have a 1.6 BB/9, it could go a long way towards a lucky BABIP turning into a 2.75 ERA.” And that’s me quoting me!
7. Drafting Padres hitters.
I’ve drafted Hunter Renfroe, or as Scooby Doo calls him Hunter Renfroe, Travis Jankowski, Wil Myers, Manuel Margot, Austin Hedges, Ryan Schimpf and even Luis Sardinas! Without provocation or hesitation! Seriously, I’ve wanted to draft Padres hitters! What has come over me? And they all feel exciting enough where I want to draft more of them! I’m losing my mind, and I think it’s been replaced with Nate Colbert’s. Someone please check me for Nate Colbert’s mind. You might even be thinking, “It’s fine, I like these hitters too.” Yeah, wait until mid-April and the Padres have lost ten straight games, scoring less than three runs in each. Then you’ll understand my regret. We’re supposed to be drafting Rockies not Padres! *looks up at TV, sees what Jabari Blash is doing this spring* No, Grey, don’t draft another one!
8. Drafting Jon Gray.
Speaking of drafting Rockies. I draft no Padres pitchers or Rockies hitters, then draft no Rockies hitters but a Rockies pitcher. What have thee wrought, said ye clad in ye velvet robe as I shook ye fist at ye team while listening to Yeezy.
9. Not ranking Yu Darvish the first starter overall.
Yeah, I said it. Over Kershaw. I really feel like this is the year Kershaw is overtaken as the best pitcher in baseball, and I think Darvish is the one to do it. Everything is there for Darvish to have 20+ wins, 240+ Ks and ridunk ratios. I’m not drafting starters high either way, but, damn, if I don’t want some of that Darvish.
10. Eric Thames is a nothingburger, a somethingburger or a middle-of-the-roadburger.
Thames flamed out in a big way his first go around in the majors, then ate Korean pitchers for breakfast like he eats ‘pills to better enhance ones’ beard.’ Now, in his 2nd go-around in the majors, he will either be terrible again, great like in Korea or somewhere in the middle. Somewhere in the middle is a lame place to be. I’m paid (not paid) to have an opinion on players. I should be able to say if I like a guy or not, and I have no idea what to expect from Thames. I tend to think he’s going to be awful again, but he did kill in Korea, so… Ugh, I don’t know, and it’s really annoying me. Someone convince me either way. What do you think, can Eric Thames finally get the major league monkey off his back — or should I say honky?
