With the season winding down (especially for those in H2H leagues) streaming the right matchups are more important than ever. Fortunately, we have more data now than at any point in the season to help us choose wisely. Be Indiana Jones. Choose the right chalice.

Tier 1 is a trio of aces you don’t need me to tell you to start, but Tier 2 has some interesting names in Zack Wheeler and Stephen Strasburg. Wheeler has been incredible since the start of June, with a 2.82 ERA and 1.09 WHIP. The Giants are susceptible to righties, which is enough to get me to start him everywhere. Tier 3 has some great options as well, like a matchup-based Tanaka, a surging Rodon (which sounds like a euphemism but I swear it’s not), and a, um, foodstuff exporting Holland? Listen, it’s late in the season. Give me a break. Tier 4 is honestly pretty gross, with the likes of Chase Anderson, Shane Bieber, and Mike Fiers that are guys that you really can’t rely on to not destroy your week. Tier 5 makes you cringe, like usual, although Brett Anderson is at least coming off a strong start. There is a decent enough chance he strikes out zero batters though, which you might say limits his upside.

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It’s good to be back, baby!! After a week’s hiatus (hey, sometimes life gets in the way of this fantasy bidness) we’re back to partying. It’s Two Startapalooza, after all! I’ve gotta say, it’s a pretty interesting week of double dippers. Tiers 1 and 2 take up nine nearly universally owned starters, but Tiers 3 and 4 are totally preggo with exciting streaming options. Those Tiers went out to lunch at Golden Corral and decided to take the rest of the day off from work and see how many chicken legs they can shove down their gullets instead. Don’t act like you haven’t done that before. Tier 4 is awash with more recent pop-up guys like Ryan Borucki, Andrew Suarez, Brad Keller, and even…hey! It’s Tommy Milone! What a time to be alive. I won’t speak of Tier 5 because those names are unspeakably ugly.

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I’m happy to bring you another fanciful week of double dippers here in the wide world of stitchesball. It’s a little bit of a lighter week after a busy week of post All-Star Break action, yet this is another one of the friendliest streaming slates of the season. I said that last week too and I really hope I’m not accidentally turning into an optimist. Tiers 1 and 2 are just about as shallow as you can get, with a lot of mid-level starters getting two turns this time out. Tier 2 is easily the grossest it’s been all season. I didn’t even want to put C-Mart in there, but I felt obligated to at least fill out three names in Tier 2. Tier 3 is where the party’s at this week, baby. They rented an elephant and a clown for the week and gave them both ecstasy so lord knows what’s gonna happen next. You could argue that David Price could have been elevated to Tier 2, but he’s got the Yankees and he gets pounded by them pretty consistently. Tyler Skaggs was borderline too, but a date with Cleveland bumped him down. Tyler Anderson should keep the good times rolling with a pair of decent matchups. Tier 4 is a bit more of a hodgepodge, with guys like Ervin Santana who I am not completely sure what to do with. His fastball velocity is down a whopping three MPH from last year, which is terrifying, but he also gets the Royals in his second start. I’m probably playing it safe and staying away from him for now. Tanner Roark was ridiculously good in his last start, reversing the trend from his previous umpteen starts of being ridiculously bad. I’m not buying it, and he’s still in Tier 5. Honestly, a lot of Tier 5 doesn’t even look that bad this week. Someone punch me in the nuts, I need my pessimism back.

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Boy, I’m really phoning it in with this week’s article title. Anyway, it’s the last full week before we get a midseason breather for the All Star Break, so it’s a fairly busy one. Tiers 1 and 2 look like more fun than an Alabama Slammahamma. Don’t bother Googling that, I just made it up. It sounds like a real thing though, doesn’t it? Tier 3 isn’t quite the juicy peach we had a week ago, but some options may be on your waiver wire. Tier 4 gives us a bountiful bouquet of bodaciousness, with a vast array of not-horrible starters that have decent matchups. Danny Duffy climbing out of the bottom tier might be optimistic, but his duo of AL Central opponents are enticing. There are even a couple of Tier 5 guys that might be of deep league interest, but…we’ve officially hit the Tommy Milone point in the season. Will he really get two starts? Everyone hopes not. Don’t even talk to me about his minor league numbers, they’re always good. He’s the epitome of a Quad-A pitcher. Even in what would be his second start against the Mets who can’t hit a lick against lefties, I’d rather just run into the corner of a groin-high kitchen table and call it a day.

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Times are grand this week in the wide world of Two Startapalooza! It is a palooza after all, which is the scientific term for pitching party. Can you imagine a carnival full of pitchers playing those games where you throw balls at the bottles and knock them over for prizes? They would win ALL of the giant stuffed bears. ALL OF THE BEARS. Leaving none for the shlubs like me that can’t hit 95 on the gun. How emasculating. All the girls would leave the normal guys and flock to the pitchers. I wonder if girls are still impressed by the really crappy pitchers? I mean, he still made it to the Major Leagues, which is super impressive. Who cares if he’s got a 6.30 career ERA? That man god paid. Speaking of such things, there are pitchers threatening to post a 6+ ERA this week in the bottom of this week’s slate. Tiers 3 and 4 are awash with capable options though, making this a great week for standard mixed league streaming. Let’s break down the options.

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Don’t be dour, Bauer, the Cole Sale isn’t until tomorrow in Greinke’s DeGrom! Greinke’s DeGrom can be whatever you like it to be, but I like to think it’s a fancy bathroom in the Diamondbacks dugout that only Greinke can use, and it’s bedazzled with copper plating that has his likeness pressed into it. It also features a bidet that only churns out pine tar, because you can never have too good a grip on things. That first sentence does happen to include the names of each starter from this week’s Tier 1 by the way, what a coincidence! We’ve got a nice chunk of nine guys between the first two tiers, but alas Tier 3 is weak with just four names. Tiers 4 and 5 are where the real action is as this week, making it a less than desirable streaming week. The likes of Caleb Smith and Marco Gonzales have been plenty useful this season, but bad matchups push each of them to Tier 4. Good luck trying to guess which Sonny Gray you’re going to get, the Sonny or the Gray, and mediocre matchups keep him dwelling in Tier 4 as well. Out of the mucky muck of Tier 5 you could perhaps cast your lot with “The Coors Kielbasa” German Marquez, but doubling up in Coors Field isn’t exactly my cup of tea. Here’s a look at some of the other notable two-start pitchers this week.

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If there’s one thing Carlos Martinez loves more than baseball, it’s porn. He and I have that in common (go ahead and Google “Carlos Martinez porn” if you want to find the related article(s), but I cannot be held responsible for the entirety of the search results), and that’s why I respect him. Thusly, I’m excited that not only do we finally get him back, it’s as a Week 10 double dipper. Sadly it’s in the place of where we expected Alex Reyes to be (wasn’t that fun while it lasted?), but we’ve gotta find our silver linings somewhere. Following an insane Week 9 where we had more Texas two steppers than any week prior, we’re back to relative normalcy here in Week 10. Tiers 1-2 are pretty slim as usual, but you feel really good about every option. Tier 3 has some fellas that might just be on your waiver wire if you’re in a shallower league, and I’d feel comfortable using every one of them. Tier 4 is surprisingly usable as well thanks to some good matchups all around. I’m not totally sure Danny Duffy deserves Tier 4 instead of Tier 5, but his matchups aren’t the worst and I’d rather throw him out than anything residing in Tier 5. Let’s dive in!

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If last week left a lot to be desired (also what women tell me), well this week makes up for it. There are more two start pitchers here than you can shake a stick at. Just try it! Try and shake a stick at all these names, it won’t work. You’ll tire by Tier 4, and Tier 5 alone has TWENTY TWO options. They’re stinky options, but options nevertheless. So leave the stick outside. They’re dirty anyway and you don’t vacuum the carpet nearly often enough to make up for that.

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Hoo doggy, we’ve got some slim pickins this week. And not like Slim Pickens from Dr. Strangelove, because he’s actually fun. The pickins in Two Startapalooza this week consist mostly of Tier 4 and 5 bottom feeders. Although, now that I think about it, riding with one of those guys is a bit like Slim Pickens riding that bomb to his doom. The top three tiers this week hold a grand total of 10 double dippers, most of which are already owned unless you’re in an extremely shallow league. Even Tier 4 is pretty sketchy this week, though. And not “draw me like one of your French girls” type of sketchy, more like an Etch A Sketch drawing from an elderly woman who’s also working a Shake Weight. There are a few permissible options that we’ll get to, but realize that if you’re in a shallow league you might be better off going with your Single Start Studs over these Double Dipping Ding Dongs. Mmm…Ding Dongs.

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It’s Lucky Number Slevin! No, it’s Week 7 of MLB baseball, but I swear to you every time I hear the number seven the title of that infernal movie crops up in my dome. The movie is 12 years old and I’ve never even seen it, yet still IT’S IN MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! This is cathartic. Is the flick any good? It’s got Morgan Freeman in it, it can’t possibly suck, can it? I’ve said those words regarding two-start pitchers before, and they have definitely sucked a time or two. We’re gonna do our best here to parse out the sucky options for you and put you in position for much success. I must succeed!

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