Sell George Springer? Are you mad, man? You’re not Joan, that’s for sure. You could be Bertram Cooper, because you are dead to me. I know, it’s blasphemy of the highest order. Springer, for Chris Cooper in Lone Star’s sake, is on the cover of Sports Illustrated! Of course, that’s assuming anyone actually sees a cover of anything. Are there magazines anymore? That’s a question for Stephen Hawking’s Speak ‘n Spell! That would be a great trick question for an alien. True or false, the smartest man on the planet uses a toy for a 5-year-old to speak. Guarantee that I’d trip up Andrelton Simmons with that question. Any the hoo! Springer is striking out like an insane man. If he continues on this rate, he may not hit above .200. For serious. He’s making Adam Dunn look selective. Since 2000, he has the 15th worst K-rate. Only two guys hit above .259 in that time frame with that bad of a K-rate, and one of them needed a .404 BABIP (that means he was lucky). Most guys averaged around .220. I don’t doubt Springer will be great. Maybe even as soon as next year, but he needs to make some serious adjustments, and, with him on the cover of a magazine(!), he’s getting so much pub that you can sell him for a lot more than he’s actually worth. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Taijuan Walker – Rookie pitcher-wise this year in March, there was Tanaka and Walker. Don’t let Walker’s inability to get into the rotation for three months dampen your enthusiasm. Turn that emoji upside down. Walker can be all that and a bag of Fritos with each Frito wrapped in hundred dollar bills, so you can make it rain in my mouth! Wait, what?
Jesse Hahn – Our new prospect writer, Chris, just went over his Jesse Hahn fantasy. There he said, “Hahn works off of a 92-94 MPH fastball that can touch 97 with late life, mixing in a heavy low 90?s two-seamer with an overhand curveball and a change that flashes plus at times – the ideal arsenal for success in cavernous Petco Park. Well, that and a bottle of Chardonnay and a picture of Grey to throw darts at.” Wow, Chris is gonna fit in just fine!
Carlos Martinez – In the rotation for at least a month and is worth adding in most leagues for upside. His career thus far hasn’t done his future justice. Order, order, it’s the case of the man from 2077 vs. the other guy from 2077, who crashed into his flying car. Future justice!
Brandon McCarthy – Friday was a bare woods for streamers, but Saturday brings you a few via the Stream-o-Nator. I don’t trust McCarthy at all, but I do trust everyone vs. the Padres so there’s that. By the by, if someone were to do an Audubon painting of a ‘bare woods for streamers,’ I’d pay them seventy-five cents. Oh, and ‘I’d pay them seventy-five cents’ is a figure of speech.
Odrisamer Despaigne – Why do I want to call him Otis Spunkmeyer? Maybe because I can actually pronounce that. I was proven wrong the other day (first time for everything!). I said Spunkmeyer was a flamethrower. That’s inaccurate. I thought he was a Cuban pitcher in the mold of Aroldis. He’s a Cuban pitcher in the mold of El Duque. Specifically, that’s a 47-year-old El Duque, so when he first came into the majors. Either, or eye-thurr if Mystikal is reading, he pitches in Petco and he could catch snitches off guard.
Joe Smith – The Sciosciapath wants Frieri to be the closer. Real world example of this lunacy: a twelfth grade teacher is caught dating one of their students. The teacher is laid off until the relationship ends then is allowed to come back.
Antonio Bastardo – Since we’re almost in July, it’s time to start stashing guys that could take over after a trade. Papelbon and his under-bite, white man dancing isn’t going to have the Phillies gig in a month. My guess is the Phillies will trade him for just about anything, though they’d obviously prefer an overpriced, aging vet. Say, what’s Ethier’s contract like?
Joaquin Benoit – See what I said about Bastardo and replace overpriced, aging vet with one-time hitting prospect that isn’t that good. And replace Ethier with Dayan Viciedo or David Freese.
Brad Miller – He’s been nails since the beginning of June, and not Nails like Lenny Dykstra, who is presently asking someone if he can take a whizz.
Jordy Mercer – Every time someone walks into a room, I want to yell out, “Jordy!” Yes, I am a man of modest wants.
Scooter Gennett – Ron Roenicke refuses to bat Scooter against lefties which kills his value in weekly leagues. Ron Roenicke, you are found guilty of managerial manslaughter! You must serve 200 hours of community service and run as the kielbasa through the most Polish neighborhood we have while they are outside grilling. Scooter is a solid option in leagues where you can platoon him though.
Mike Zunino – El Zunino is ravaging opposing pitchers, but will likely bring a cold front in a week or so. Take a sweater, young man!
Travis d’Arnaud – I actually gave you a Travis d’Arnaud fantasy nine months ago that still applies. Or still apples, if you’re an archer.
Kole Calhoun – I’ll say this, if you want to keep what little hair you got left on your dome, do not own too many Angels, The Sciosciapath will drive you crazy.
Alejandro De Aza – No one is talking about De Aza, so I guess I have to. Well….Uh…Hmm…Maybe that’s why no one is talking about him. Okay, I got it! He’s hitting around .350 in his last two weeks with three steals.
Jarrod Dyson – With Aoki not Aoki-dokie in the groin — hehe, WHAT?! — Dyson has been playing every day. SAGNOF like you’ve never SAGNOF’d before. Then SAGNOF some more. Then SAGNOF like there’s five minutes left in the half and the Brazilian girl in the front row won’t wait for extra time.
Mookie Betts – I just went over my Mookie Betts fantasy. It was written while flapping my back arm like Joe Morgan.
C.J. Cron – I just went over him this morning. If you use the thing under your hand, you’ll find it. I meant your mouse, why are you sitting in front of a electronic keyboard wearing a skinny tie?
Steve Pearce – He’s being overshadowed by J.D. Martinez’s hot streak, but Pearce has only been slightly less than that. Bee tee dubs, Martinez wasn’t listed because he’s owned in more than 50% of ESPN leagues. If he’s available, obviously you grab him.
Lucas Duda – Last week was the Buy column of all buy columns for middle infidels, this week it’s their corner counterparts. Now I will throw it to Lucas…Duda! When I say throw it to, you say Lucas…Duda! Sorry, my dog loves when I chant nonsense. He turns his head. It’s cute. Any the hoo! Duda’s been hot fire like after you eat Mexican.
Carlos Pena – I could see him hitting some homers and going 1-for-124 at the plate. Or somewhere in between. Probably somewhere in between.
Logan Morrison – Fact! If Morrison ever tweets with Dallas Latos, the world would explode. Oh, and Morrison’s been hot, now stay away from bathtubs in Paris!
Grant Green – The Angels were sick of how cold Freese was so they got Grant Green. Pun point! Green has solid plate discipline recently, which has led to a .320-ish average in his last two stops in the minors and the majors this year. He doesn’t have big power or speed. He kinda reminds me of what people thought of Freese two to (stutterer!) three years ago. I’m not rushing to grab Green, but if you’re hurting at corner, I could see it.
Cody Asche – Uh-oh, I feel a Def Jam poem coming on. I told you Brad Miller and Cody Asche would be great. What’s with the hate? Like you’re in a hot tub with Kathy de-Bates, over if you need more Bubbles. Locked in his sister’s basement. From the projects he came/went/came/went depending on the season. It’s summer.
SELL
Gregory Polanco – I am bursting some balloons today! It’s all about instilling some reality into fantasy. Doesn’t that sound like fun? The reality is Polanco will be around a 9-homer, 15-steal guy this year. To grab one name from above, you could get that from De Aza. Is there any world where De Aza is tradeable? Not unless it’s a league that only uses White Sox players, and in that league I’d gamble on Ron Kittle making a comeback. Polanco, on the other hand — where on my hand? My thumb? — has trade value. People think he’s more valuable than he likely will be. For this year. I’m not talking keepers. Even in redraft leagues, I wouldn’t trade Polanco for an airplane seat next to Gary Busey, but I would explore offers.
