(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)
“Ding Dong ain’t got shizz on me!” That’s a famous quote from Denzel Washington after my autocorrect gets done with it. See, my autocorrect keeps changing Nick Senzel to Nick Denzel, and I’ve tired of ducking changing it. I called AppleCare and asked them how to change my autocorrect settings to “Not stupid” and they laughed, then, when they were done laughing, I asked again and they said, “Oh, you’re serious?” Ding Dong ain’t got shizz on me with how serious I am! No, this isn’t the star of Antone Disher, and it’s Antwone Fisher! This isn’t Robbin Carter, and it’s Ruben Carter! The Boner Collector? Why does my autocorrect even know that word?! I’ve never in my life typed such a thing! So, Nick Senzel aka Nick Denzel was once a top prospect. That ship sailed so long ago it’s reached its destination already at: Port U-A-Bust. He’s sipping Mai Tais with Garrett Hampson and Bubba Starling, but the DJ just announced there’s one final dance, because he’s playing Last Dance by Donna Summer, not Michael Jordan’s The Last Dance, and Senzel is the only one going to the dance floor to move his hips. Hopefully, he doesn’t hurt himself! He is capable of a nice combo of power and speed and never struck out much, so he could hit .280. Can he stay on the field? I have my doubts, but I could see adding him in all leagues. He is after all a two-time Oskar winner. Damn it, autocorrect! Oscar is the more common spelling! Why would you change that? Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Blake Sabol – Doesn’t this guy sound like a type of fur? “Grandma loved her Blake Sabol, and she wanted you to have it.” A mother hands her daughter a coat that can best be described as a run-over dead ferret.
Connor Wong – Am I telling you to cozy up Wong? I suppose, and you can’t be a supposer without *folds arms like a breakdancer* Sup, poser?
LaMonte Wade Jr. – Went back to look at his game log from 2021, because I remember him being solid for a stretch two years ago, and, sure enough, I don’t remember my wedding anniversary, but I was right about LaMonte Wade Jr. He had 12 homers in two months back then, so he is capable of stretches like this.
Carlos Santana – Has been hot, but also: How about all those steals he’s getting? He’s out-stealing Bo Bichette right now. When Santana was younger, if he would’ve had three-inch longer cleats, he could’ve been a 30-steal guy. Who knew?
Trey Mancini – Fun fact! Un and Dos Mancini are his younger brothers. Also, Mancini is hot, which is nice, but, with Matt Mervis up, I imagine a Mancini and Hosmer platoon happens of some sort, until Morel is promoted.
Connor Joe – If you don’t know by now where’d he come from and where’d he go? I don’t know what to tell you.
Taylor Walls – Don’t think his breakout continues, but he’s on pace for a 25/25/.280 season, so kinda should be rostered just in case.
Enmanuel Valdez – Here’s what I said the other day, “I googled “Enmanuel Valdez” and it said, “Do you mean Emmanuel Lewis star of Webster or the Exxon Valdez?” Guess we’ll see what Itch’s said, “Valdez ranked 39th on MLB Pipeline’s list of the 47 prospects traded this week, which feels like evidence of the ongoing blindness with which much of the public-facing prospect world treats Houston prospects. Valdez is slashing .327/.410/.606 with 21 home runs and 26 doubles in 82 games across Double and Triple A this season. He’s 23 years old. You wanna rank 20 low-minors pitchers ahead of him? Be my guest. More Valdez for the rest of us. Except Grey, screw him.” Okay, not nice. Valdez could be a 15+ homer, .270+ hitter in Fenway with kinda bleh speed. It’s fine in deeper leagues, as long as he’s playing.” And that’s me quoting me and Itch!
Josh Jung – That he’s only rostered in 22% of leagues at ESPN is truly hilarious. 78% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already. Just drafted and the passwords were forgotten. ACKSUALLY, Jung should’ve been drafted so I don’t even know how they’re coming up with that rostership percentage.
Isaac Paredes – “I love a Paredes!” — That’s Ethel Merman playing fantasy baseball.
Ezequiel Duran – Lot of people keep asking if Duran is going ot lose a job when Seager returns. Yes, very likely. That doesn’t mean he can’t be grabbed now.
Christian Encarnacion-Strand – I’m super hesitant to list CES, because it’s this big trade show in Vegas, and I’ve got this new electronic game to debut that is called Ay-I, which is AI, but it adds a thick Italian accent to all its answers. “What’s the biggest lake in the U.S.?” “Ay-I suppose it’s-a Lake-a Superior-ay-oh.” I’m also hesitant suggesting Christian Encarnacion-Strand because people are gonna start asking in the comments to drop guys they should not drop for him.
Luke Raley – Who’s hotter than this guy recently? Not many. Really? Oh, Raley!
Jack Suwinski – Brent Rooker is a guy I like too, and neither him nor Suwinski seem under 50% rostered, which is the cut-off for this post. Do I think Brent Rooker’s breakout is real? The Brookeout?! Yeah, I think it might be.
Jarren Duran – Speaking of hot bats, he has a .500-ish BABIP. A .350 BABIP would be suspect. So, yeah, don’t defrost Ted Williams’s head quite yet for Jarren Duran’s run at .400. Oh, you already did? Well, can you at least put it in the fridge for now? It’s on the front seat of your car and your car is parked in the sun? C’mon, man!
Matthew Liberatore – Cards picked the wrong time to go focus on their pitchers pitching to contact, but they still have one guy in the minors who gets Ks, and should be up soon. Missed out on Pfaadt, Stone, Varland and Drey Jameson? Well, lucky you! You have another shot soon though in Liberatore.
Yennier Cano – Started the year as Yenny, then he was the Yennier, and now he’s the Yenniest. There’s no category more unpredictable than Holds, then throw in that middle relievers come out of nowhere each year. Like just magically appear. Then disappear the next year. Almost like throwing 96 MPH for 20 minutes every other day for six months isn’t good for one’s arm.
Michael King – Before you’re like, “Clay Holmes is the closer, Grey. I mean, you have a nice face and all, but you’re kinda stupid.” Holmes came out of nowhere last year to become the closer. He was great, and now he’s been bad for, like, the last four months.
Matt Chapman – Don’t usually double dip on the Sells, but the Anime Grey video at the top of the page isn’t enough for how big of a sell this guy is. Matt Chapman is also a guy who I think is going to collapse so fast you need to be selling just as quickly. He has a BABIP that only Jarren Duran would be jealous of. Matt David Chapman murders baseballs. Matt Chapman murders batting averages. He’s hitting what on batting average? C’mon, tell it to me again but slowly because I don’t believe you. He’s hitting how high? Okay, I think I might be high because the number you just told me is insane. He’s a good Chap, man? I don’t know, and stop doing that fake British accent. Chapman is a 27-homer, .230 hitter. Whatever he’s doing now is absurd and makes no sense. Sell! Fast! I wouldn’t sell for a ticket to see the new underwater musical, Clear Your Snorkel Mask, Young Man! but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.