Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live and let’s change the Twins closer. Joe Nathan is now the closer with two saves this weekend. As I kinda said last week, Matt Capps was pitching so bad, he picked up Joe Nathan in his fantasy league. And that’s me paraphrasing me! Since Joe Nathan and Ron Gardenhire met on match.com many years ago, their relationship has blossomed from heated affair to full blown love. They’re even Facebook official. Assuming Nathan doesn’t cough up five leads in the matter of a week, he should have the closer job for the rest of the season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Scott Baker – Placed on the DL with a muscle strain in his elbow, but is only supposed to miss one more start. Mr. Baker also sounds like a Clue character. Speaking of which, Clue has been updated, which makes me feel old. There’s no more conservatory or lead pipe. Now it’s shizz like, “Colonel Mustard in the spa with the trophy.” I guess a lead pipe was too scary sounding. So murdering someone with a common object like a trophy isn’t scary? Also, Colonel Mustard in a spa? He’s a decorated officer! Clue, that’s a fail with a hashtag.
Ryan Braun – Has no get up and go because he had da calf on ice. Could be back on Monday.
John Axford – K-Rod waived his option so the Brewers could use him in any capacity, which is north of tenacity. So the Brewers chose to use K-Rod to setup Axford this weekend. “I beat up my father-in-law over much less.” Right now, you have to hold both K-Rod and Axford, but it looks like Axford is the first choice.
Jose Reyes – Supposed to return on Tuesday. I’ll believe it when I see it. “Grey, you have no faith in medicine.” That’s Jack White reading Razzball.
Jason Isringhausen – The Mets said it would be a closer by committee. Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee? Mets also said Isringhausen would get first crack, but I still believe that’s to raise his trade value.
Blake Beavan – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Has a pretty hideous K-rate, i.e., Blake not so lively. Also, Bedard’s either going to take his rotation spot or he’s going to pitch in Fenway next.
Mike Carp – Was recalled on Sunday. No relation to Mike Trout. Carp hit 21 homers in 65 games in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon. He also doesn’t have guaranteed playing time. Obviously he’s worth a flyer right now in AL-Only leagues.
Matt Harrison – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Harrison now has an ERA of 2.91, my sweet lord. I wouldn’t pick him up because of his walks and lack of Ks, but he proves the theory that the best spot starter is the pitcher facing the Mariners in Safeco (followed closely by the Padres in Petco).
Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks and the win in Coors. Kind of start I really don’t mind being sonavabenched on. Marcum also left with a stiff neck, but he just got a Viagra stuck in his throat and should be fine for his next start.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks. I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.
Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 1 ER. Madson always seems to struggle when it’s being reported that he could lose his job in the near future. Stop watching Lifetime movies in the bullpen and cowboy up!
Chase Utley – 0-for-4 with his 9th steal, but only has 4 homers on the year. To fix his knee, did the doctors attach his arms to hips and put his legs on his shoulders?
Josh Beckett – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks and 6 Ks vs. Jeff Niemann (8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 10 Ks). Lower the mound! Beckett’s obviously an ace this year. As for Neimann, I don’t trust him because of his usually pedestrian K-rate, but this was obviously a great start against a tough team, which followed his great start vs. the Yankees. He gets the Royals and A’s next.
Alex Presley – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 4th steal. Jose Tabata who?! Um, the guy that’s going to return and take Presley’s spot. Yeah, I’m not sure how this is gonna shake out yet, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grab Presley in the mean’s while.
Brett Gardner – 3-for-4, 3 runs and 2 steals. Since May 1st, he’s hitting .318 with 22 steals. Cust kayin’.
Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Hasn’t gone more than 90 pitches in any start this year. Cashman must be fine-tuning Joba Rules. Guess it’s better than Pavano Rules, which was hit Pavano over the head with a blunt object and bury him in the Pine Barrens.
Homer Bailey – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and Bailey didn’t get hurt. It’s an early Christmas miracle!
Felipe Paulino – 7 Ip, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. That’s eight baserunners and eight Ks, not infinity. Though it may as well be for Paulino.
Grady Sizemore – Day-to-day with a knee contusion. His career trajectory is the exact opposite of everyone else who has ever taken nude photos of themselves.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4 with a homer off Frank Herrmann. When I saw Herrmann’s last name, it made me think of one of those spray painted, graffiti shirts you and your significant other got when you were fifteen. I wonder if his wife has an Indians jersey with the last name, Hisgirl.
Nick Punto – His elbow is forcing him out for the year. Sounds like his elbow probably owns Punto in fantasy.
Chase Headley – Might need an MRI on Monday for his calf. BTW, what do you call Padre hitters that you only own in deep leagues? Deep Friars.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5 with his 17th homer and just missed his 18th. Anyone that has doubts about him hasn’t seen him swing the bat. On a side note, Davey Johnson came out to argue the just miss was a home run and he looks like one of those computer-aged photos of what JFK would look like now. One small step for the Nats, I suppose.
Tom Gorzelanny – Variety reported he was ankled from his start.
Jair Jurrjens – 5 IP, 6 ER as the Fangraphs Database laughed maniacally.
Mike Stanton – Hit two home runs on Saturday to bring his season total to 20. I say he hits 40+ homers next year, assuming the Mayans are wrong and there is a next year. “Why are we buying a new calender?” That’s a young Mayan talking to his elder in December.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Emily Boneface has the highest OBP for a leadoff hitter, has stolen 6 bases in the last week, has a 16-game hitting streak and calculated pi to 2.7 trillion decimal places.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4 with a satisfying slam & legs. Hitting .383 in July with 4 homers and 2 steals. Jack McKeon just knows how to talk to the kids!
Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners (no walks), 10 Ks. That’s as impressive as I’ve seen Vazquez this year. If he’s available in any leagues, I’d get on board for his next start vs. the Padres.
Vladimir Guerrero – To the DL with a small fracture in his hand after being hit by a pitch. Orioles knew there was something wrong when Vlad saw a pitch and didn’t swing the bat.
David Aardsma – Went for Tommy John surgery. In related news, Tommy John is collecting nickels for all the times he’s mentioned. “Who needs the Hall of Fame? I got nickels, snitches!”
Peter Bourjos – To the DL, but Trout looks pretty overmatched so far. Might want to look elsewhere. In keepers, you obviously ignore early results.
Jeff Keppinger – 3-for-5 and Blanco Polanco now has homers in back-to-back games. He’s like jarred salsa; he’s not very hot, but he’ll still give you indigestion.
Matt Downs – Out while his wife, Leah, has a child. Yes, her name is Leah Downs. I’d say!
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. He’s always brilliant at home. BTW, realizing that every good pitching park ends in co — Petco, Safeco, Metco — Oakland’s stadium now goes by O.co, which I’m not even sure how to pronounce. How about, “What the eff.co?” Senior exec, “Corporate’s coming down hard on us to rebrand ourselves.” Junior exec, “How about a name that no one can pronounce?” Senior exec, “I’m gonna tell our boss that just so you’re fired, Stevens!” Later that day, Boss, “A name we can’t pronounce? That’s crazy enough to work!”