You smell that?¬† No, not your armpits.¬† That’s Opening Day.¬† The real thing this time!¬† I love you, you sick, twisted, little game run by an egomaniac with a bad toupee.¬†¬† I love you!¬† I want to touch baseball’s boobies!¬† They are warm to my touch; those beautiful baseball boobies!¬† I am gushing over baseball’s boobies!¬† Grey, um, you’re writing this down; this isn’t your inner monologue.¬† Good call, Random Italicized Voice.¬† Embarrassing.¬† Speaking of embarrassing, how about that monstrosity just past the Marlins’ outfield fences?¬† It’s a passive-aggressive ode to a fan base and city that is loathed by Marlins’ senior management.¬† “You Marlin fans – all you care about are pretty colors.¬† You don’t even appreciate the ode to Miro!”¬† That was what the Marlins president said after he called Marlin fans stupid.¬† (The last part isn’t a lie.¬† You can use Google, if you don’t believe me.¬† I understand; the Internet made me cynical too.¬† I blame you, Al Gore!)¬† Oh, that’s all assuming you can see the outfield fences.¬† Where’d they put the center field fence?¬† Cuba?¬† It’s like they combined Petco with AT&T Park.¬† They have Cuban raftees floating just past the outfield fences.¬† You got humidity blowing in, fences 28 miles off the coast of Key West, my beautiful Giancarlo Stanton, whose boobies I’d gush over too, and now I got agita.¬† We should suggest in the comments what to call this pink and aqua-blue hot mess the Marlins call a stadium.¬† I got one idea, Unicornco.¬† Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in 2012 fantasy baseball:
Matt Holliday – 0-for-5 as he hit third.¬† Looks like that’s a big Pujols to fill.
Rafael Furcal – 3-for-5, 1 RBI (which isn’t a Ron Ben-Israel) and a steal.¬† This is something I’ve noticed in my *covers mouth* years covering fantasy baseball.¬† Old players get off to fast starts.¬† I think it has to do with them not being tired of the grind of the long season yet.¬† Their legs are still fresh.¬† You’ll see, Alfonso Soriano will start the year fast, Torii Hunter will start hot, etc. etc. etc.¬† There should be a name in the glossary for these old players that start hot.¬† Suggest in the comments.¬† Thank you.
David Freese – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 1 Run.¬† A nationally televised game and Freese turns into Babe Ruth.¬† I will now call you, The Primetime Kid.
Kyle Lohse – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 Hits, 3 Ks.¬† Last year, his April ERA was 1.64 and his May ERA was 2.57.¬† Okay, so there’s worse flyers for the early months of the season.
Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-4 and looked about as good at third, giving away at least two base hits.¬† Also, Reyes and Ramirez are really going out of their way to bring in a new Miami crowd.¬† Miguel Olivo’s probably soooo jealous.
Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.¬† On the bright side, he didn’t get injured.
Andrew Bailey – Underwent successful surgery in Cleveland, then visited the Jock and Skoal Hall of Fame, which features a glob of Lenny Dykstra’s used dip and an extracted mouth lesion from Terry Francona.
Alfredo Aceves – For a man that invented the sandwich wrap, Bobby Valentine is totally crackers.¬† Yesterday, he announced that Aceves would be the Sawx closer.¬† Let’s see, a pitcher who would be better in relief is in the rotation (Bard), a pitcher who saved games last year is in middle relief (Melancon) and a pitcher who whined that he wanted to start (Aceves) is the closer.¬† To recap — Huh, what, oh, okay, wait, what?¬† Valentine said Aceves would see the save if the Sawx were leading in the first game.¬† He didn’t say anything about game five or ten or twenty.¬† It may be needlessly nitpicky, but I think there’s something between the lines there.¬† Obviously, Aceves is the first one to own right now, but I wouldn’t drop Melancon if you have room.
Kyle Farnsworth – Diagnosed with an elbow strain that’s “not a major concern.”¬† And I’m getting an elbow strain from making the “jerking off” motion after hearing them say it’s “not a major concern.”¬† The Rays can spin this any way they like, but a pitcher with an elbow strain in April is a major concern.¬† I wouldn’t hesitate to grab Peralta, though the Rays are saying they may use a committee.¬† Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee?
Devin Mesoraco – Dusty announced Hanigan would be the Opening Day starter.¬† Well, that stinks, but to take the sting away, Votto is buying a Lamborghini for the first 2,000 fans in attendance.
Hector Santiago – Robin Ventura has still said nothing about who’s the actual closer in Chicago.¬† This is ridiculous.¬† The season’s started already, name someone!¬† No wonder Nolan Ryan beat the crap out of him.¬† As of right now, I’d go with Matt Thornton, Hector Santiago, Addison Reed and Jesse Crain.¬† I have little to no confidence in that order.¬† So, as Al Pacino would scream at me, , “No, those closers are out of order!”
Brandon Belt – When Bochy lifted his giant melon out of bed yesterday, two things were on his mind.¬† First, I want to make Grey happy by having Brandon Belt make the Opening Day roster.¬† Second, I wonder if they make back support but for heads.¬† Can’t help on the second, but thank you and your giant cantaloupe for the first one.¬† Here’s what I said in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball, “If Belt were guaranteed everyday playing time, Belt is capable of 25/10/.280, which would have him poised to be a top 5 1st baseman next year.¬† The problem is Bruce Bochy has a gigantic head, but a very small brain.¬† Hopefully he realizes Belt ties the entire Giants outfit together.¬† 2012 Projections:¬† 70/24/80/.280/10 (in 500 ABs)”¬† And that’s me getting very excited about Belt!¬† He still has great promise for a better tomorrow.¬† This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.
Josh Outman – Hits the DL after he injured himself vomiting.¬† I thought only the players’ wives got injuries like that.¬† Anna Benson, “Finally a pitcher who understands me!”