I watched Mat Latos yesterday.   Now I want an eye transplant with someone that watched Jamie Moyer pitch (not when he was first called up because that eye transplant would have cataracts).  I wish I could pinpoint what the problem is with Latos, besides looking terrible.  He was hitting 95 MPH on the maybe-a-tad-Reds-friendly radar gun for three straight pitches to Beltran.  Unfortunately, he threw all three friggin’ pitches in the exact same spot, so, of course, Beltran turned on one.  Then he made the next hitter, Holliday, look terrible with offspeed stuff.  Like a bachelorette order form, is there somewhere I can check for him to mix in the junk?  Does Mesoraco only have one finger on his pitch-calling hand?  Is Latos giving up early runs so Dusty can’t throw him into the 11th inning?  How do you even give up 5 earned runs in the first two innings on only 6 baserunners?  Is that even mathematically possible with only one two-run homer?  Why are you making me wrack my brain?  And why are you giving up a two out triples to the opposing pitcher?!  Latos gets the Giants next.  If he can’t make them look like a team that has only three hitters, and one of which they bench, then Latos is going to my bench for the foreseeable future.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Krispie Young – The MRI revealed a ligament tear and who wins this year’s Biggest Loser.  Damn you, MRI, and your spoilers!  Krispie’s headed to the 15-day DL and the Diamondbacks say he should be fine after a couple of weeks of rest.  With a ligament tear in his shoulder?  Sounds like they have a ligament tear in their silver lining.  This sounds like something that won’t only sideline Krispie for longer than 15 days but also leave him at less than 100% for the rest of the season until an offseason of rest.  It’s pretty terrible news.  Rico Suave should see the majority of the time in the outfield while Krispie gets himself right.  Parra’s pretty yawnstipating from a fantasy perspective for mixed leagues.  In NL-Only leagues, he should get you some counting stats.   (Wanna hear something that says so much?  I added yawnstipating to my computer dictionary.  It’s right there in my virtual dictionary next to dork.)

Justin Upton – Where is thumbkin?  Back from the MRI to say Upton needs a few days of rest with a bone bruise on his thumb.  He did get into yesterday’s game as a pinch runner.  Would be just wonderful if he had to slide head first.  Hope Kirk Gibson didn’t slo-mo arm pump that in-game move.

A.J. Pollock – 0-for-3 with a caught stealing.  How many players does it take to fill-in Krispie’s roster spot?  One Pollock.  He has good speed (36 SBs last year in the minors), but it’s not clear how much he’ll actually play.  Might just be a bat for a few days until Justin’s thumb stops being Upton no good.

Brett Gardner – To the DL with a strained elbow.  Huh?  What’s he running on his hands like Encino Man?  You don’t need an elbow to bunt and run.  Put your elbow in a sling and call it macaroni!  This kills my RCL team (well, Krispie’s loss kinda hurt that too), but how is there only one DL spot in the RCLs?  What were we thinking?  Guys (and 4 girls), talk some sense into me Charlotte sometimes, would cha please?

Hiroki Kuroda – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Starts like these in The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built is the reason why I told people to not draft him.

Lance Berkman – Puma reaggravated his calf injury and might hit the DL.  Coincidentally, my Cougar’s out for a day or two with shingles.

Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  That’s 5 homers and 3 steals.  Maybe he’s this year’s old player who comes out of nowhere and has a renaissance year.  How do we not have a term for this in the glossary?  Please suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

Brad Lidge – Davey Johnson revealed that Lidge suffers from vertigo.  Still waiting for Davey to choose a closer, or more accurately, to explain The Trouble With Henry.

Ivan Rodriguez – Announced his retirement.  Let’s remember the days when his nickname Pudge wasn’t ironic due to the banning of illegal substances that caused him to lose all muscle mass.  Pour some andro out for him.

Cliff Lee – 10 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like a ten inning game is more rare than a no hitter. (I probably could find out if that was true at the ol’ Google.)  Through 10 innings, he threw 102 pitches and 81 of those were strikes.  Let’s just say, The Adverb was more than suffixient.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Lincecum who?

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Bartolo Colon who?

Brian Wilson – Undergoing Tommy John surgery today.  They’re still evaluating whether they hairnet his beard or if they have to shave it.  If they shave it, the surgery is due to end on Sunday and the homeless family of Lilliputians will need to be relocated.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Walks really got him in this game…and the hits…and the runs…and the lack of Ks.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Of course he pitched a gem.  Why wouldn’t he?!  Why would I want this kind of start from Latos?!  I must be crazy!  Yeah, still a little annoyed at Latos.  And another thing, if Latos didn’t seem so detestable of a personality, I might be able to let it go!

Joel Hanrahan – Tweaked his Hanrahammy.  Should be good to go by the weekend.  In his place…

Juan Cruz – Guess who has more saves than Jordan Walden and Heath Bell combined?  I grabbed Cruz in one league, then dropped him when I had to fill in for Gardner.  Cruz may not see another save all year.  If you’re very desperate, then specloselate.  (On a related note, I thought of what we can call a top closer’s set-up man, a side salad.)

Grady Sizemore – Cleared for baseball activities.  He’ll probably pull his groin scratching himself.  I’m only half-punning.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  The Braves are committed to Glass Chipper like Aguilera should be committed for eliminating Jesse Campbell, but Francisco’s a good name to watch in deep leagues in case he can get more playing time.

Jair Jurrjens – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Can the editor who recut Star Wars take Jar-Jar out of the Braves rotation too?

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his first homer.  Still wanna sell him for Skip Schumaker and a bag of Fritos?

Luke Scott – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Member I said last week to pick him up?  Yeah, nothing’s changed yet.

Matt Joyce – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd game in a row with a homer.  If he’s gonna hit, it will be in the first half.  It’s Joyce to wit.

Justin Morneau – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs with his 3rd and 4th homers.  Only cussword his fantasy owners are hearing this year is refocused.

Matt Capps – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  Could he save a game without giving up a run?  Just a question.

Kevin Youkilis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his first homer.  Youuuuuuuk, speaking through his agent, said, “Tell Valentine there’s his motivation.  And Sugarhill Gang invented the rap.  So there!”

Lucas Harrell – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Anyone with a rotation spot, you own in NL- or AL-Only leagues, so I grabbed Harrell in an NL-Only league.  Never looked at his stats.  Just grabbed him.  Then he pitched well yesterday for the second time in three starts and I was like, “Hey, this guy’s awesome!  I wanna see his minor league stats.”  So I Googled his name to see his minor league stats, and Googled asked me, “Are you sure you want to see his minor league stats?”  Yes, Google!  Give ’em to me!  “Oh.”  That was my reaction after seeing his stats.  Um, yeah, I wouldn’t touch him in mixed leagues.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s alive!  I think.

Omar Infante – Out until Friday with a groin strain.  It happened when he was running away from Hanley carrying a bottle of hair dye.

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  He’s batting .074 on the year.  To get results from Alvarez, the Pirates threatened him with a demotion to Triple-A or worse a trade to the Orioles.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yes, you should own him.  No, I’m not joking.

A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  When I say hot, you say schmotato.

Doug Fister – Felt renewed discomfort in his abdomen.  For Fister owners, that’s a punch to the gut.

Prince Fielder – 2-f0r-4, 2 RBIs and a steal as Major League Baseball tried to increase offense by moving 2nd base five feet from 1st.

Chase Headley – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and TWO HOMERS?  He had two homers the entire 1st half last year, and two homers the entire 2nd half for four (stutterer!) total.

Michael Cuddyer – Homered then left Wednesday’s game with a bruised toe.  If Cuddyer needs to miss time, guess who gets some time?  No, not Eric Young JrTyler Colvin.  Could be some pop there.  Keep your eyes peeled in deep leagues.

Juan Nicasio – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’ve seen better starts.  Buehrle, for instance, that was better, but I’d continue to roll with Nicasio in most leagues.

Derek Holland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Kinda wish I had Holland instead of Latos right now.  Okay, I’ll let it go.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  I’ve seen some people in the comments ask if they should pick up Kirk.  Don’t cheat, Razzballers.  Ask if you should pick up Nieuwenhuis.  If I gotta spell that shizz, so do you.  And, yeah, you should pick him up.  Kinda like how I’ve been saying that in the last two weeks of Buys.  Yesterday, he hit leadoff.  That probably won’t hold, but Bay’s name is short for Sickbay, as in he hasn’t been good in years, and Duda hasn’t had much zippity, doo or dah recently.

R.A. Dickey – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  More like U.R.A. Dickey.

 
  1. thatonekid343 says:
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    Good article as always…Speaking of Latos, thoughts on this Grey?
    I get: Mat Latos
    I give: Melky Cabrera

    12 team, H2H, 7×7 (QS, L, TB, OPS)
    My team:
    C. Buster Posey
    1B. Albert Pujols
    2B. Dan Uggla
    3B. Evan Longoria
    SS. Elvis Andrus
    OF. Gianny Stanton, Jay Bruce, Desmond Jennings
    UTIL. Melky Cabrera
    BN. Zack Cozart

    P. Anibal Sanchez, Santiago Casilla
    SP. Madison Bumgarner, Brandon Beachy
    RP. Jason Motte, Huston Street
    BN. Cory Luebke, Dan Hudson

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @thatonekid343, I’d do that.

  2. Chris J says:
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    Morneau you SONOFABENCH!

    • Whole Camels says:
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      I’ll second that

  3. Simply Fred

    Simply Fred says:
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    No speculation of Frank-Franc losing his job after giving up 2 earned in 1 IP?

    • Paulie Allnuts

      Paulie Allnuts says:
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      @Simply Fred, I certainly hope so! Both as a fan of the Mets, and a recent owner of Bobby P. Although as you astutely point out, my good friend, picking up Bobby P. may well ruin his career, and he has a family to care for and kids to feed:)

      • Paulie Allnuts

        Paulie Allnuts says:
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        @Paulie Allnuts, As further evidence of my growing reputation as a career-destroyer, here are Bartolo Colon’s four starts.

        4/18 @LAA 8.0 4 0 0 5 W
        4/13 @Sea 7.0 3 0 1 5 W
        4/7 Sea 4.1 10 7 0 3 L
        3/29 Sea 8.0 3 1 1 6 W

        Three were :, one was;

        Guess which one I streamed him in?

        Of course, Bobby V was correct in stating that Yoooooouk was not emotionally and physically playing as he had in the past. He found out that he was playing on my fantasy team.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Simply Fred, Kazaam!

  4. Catz says:
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    Grey, have you watched Morrow pitch this year (I haven’t)? Has he changed his approach. While he’s been more effective his K rate is half what it was last year.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Catz, It’s early.

  5. DrEasy says:
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    Nieuwenhuis or Coco Crisp? Dude is cereally hurting my RCL team.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @DrEasy, Nieuwenhuis

  6. Grey's da man! says:
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    LoMo or Goldschmidt?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Grey’s da man!, Morrison

  7. Grey's da man! says:
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    Pierre worth a pickup for SAGNOF? Need to fill a spot now that Gardner is out..there is Pierre, Nieuwenhuis, V wells..

    • Tony says:
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      @Grey’s da man!, ive been rostering pierre since the draft in my rcl, pierre will get you 40 steals, playing times his only downside, but he’ll get his PT one way or another….

  8. I don’t like to roll with any offensive bench players in a h2h and I’ve got BJ Upton coming back. Who’s gotta go to make room?

    Victorinio,
    Kendrys,
    Reimold,
    Schafer
    ?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Vinnie, Schafer

  9. Feeding the Abscess

    Feeding the Abscess says:
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    My GF watches The Voice while I watch baseball, so I typically don’t watch it. Weren’t any games that caught my eye Monday night, so I watched that Jesse guy and Aguilera’s reaction afterward. She looked like he ran up and crapped in her lap after eating nothing but 24 months-aged cheddar for a week. I was wondering what was up… and then I saw her performance.

    She was just mad that he’s better than she is.

    While I’d bork her eighty ways to Sunday, she has zero business wearing that outfit, even having lost some weight (as far as I can tell). I dig that body type, but c’mon… she’s made tens of millions of dollars in her career, and has hours every day to work out and eat zero sugar, high protein meals that taste like heaven. Standard’s a bit different for her than it is for some gal who lives in reality.

    Also, Grey, why am I such an intractable asshole? You answer all of our fantasy problems for free, please also become an armchair psychiatrist and fix all of my other problems.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Feeding the Abscess, Ha! Nice rant… I watch every episode by choice — the voice! It’s terrible but I enjoice! Jesse was really good, got robbed, I think it has to do with the show wanting to cause buzz/controversy.

    • JoeC says:
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      @Feeding the Abscess,
      Completely agree with this. Any celeb should hold themselves to a higher standard. You got the cash, you got the adoration (deservedly or not)… now put down the pork rinds and slip into that thong bikini!

      Ah, we are terrible.

  10. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:
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    Grey, of course Beltran is on a roll. He no longer is on the Mets, under the medical team supervised by reknowned veternarian Hugo Z. Hackenbush. Expect him and Reyes to play 140-150 games this year.

    Nieuwenhuis is a breath of fresh air for Mets fans, but don’t expect it to last very long, as for some reason the Mets brass has decided to start the increasingly decrepit Andres Torres when he gets off the DL. The management needs to accept the fact that they are a rebuilding club, and destined to finish last this season. What purpose is it to play Torres, Frank-Frank, and Bay, for that matter? BTW, cut and paste works just nicely when talking ’bout Nieuwenhuis. No need to spell.

    • 3FingersBrown says:
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      @Paulie Allnuts, I fully endorse this message to Mets management.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Paulie Allnuts, Hackenbush — HA!

  11. Danwise says:
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    For the Beltran thing, It’s a shame because before today you could call it a Dick Clark, but…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Danwise, Seacrest killed him for his career ten years ago.

  12. Howard says:
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    @Grey Holland SONOFABENCH! I know it’s painfully obvious but ‘Renaissance Man’? Picked up Coco to replace Krispie. Do you think Nieuwen)%# would be a better play?

    • Jack Full of Hate says:
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      @Howard, Coco is a dud right now and usually heats up later, He’s sat a little already this year and is throwing a little bitch fit cause the cuban yo-yo jacked his spot in CF. I would look elsewhere to get replacement numbers. I get the feeling that if coco is available in your league then there has to be some decent outfield depth for you in the FA pool.

    • MattTruss

      MattTruss223 says:
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      @Howard, Hear ya on the sonovabench. Benched Holland, rolled out Latos, ugh.

  13. Shin-Soo Choo Choo says:
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    8 team league. Drop Delmon Young or Stubbs for Dunn or Joyce? I need AVG/OBP more than steals.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Shin-Soo Choo Choo, Young…Joyce

  14. Jack Full of Hate says:
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    @Grey, another solid outing, that pod cast is tight. loved the side salad comment. Is a closer by committee a tossed salad? Chef’salad? Salad bar? Anyways…

    name idea for the beltran and puma types, Gerryswan = a geriatric having his swan song before he exits.

    I need to stop wirting these after coming home from the local dives. covina you kill my liver!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Jack Full of Hate, Ha… Not bad. Under consideration…

  15. Storminator says:
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    KnightsReborn?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Storminator, Not crazy about it.

  16. Steve says:
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    Effing Pedro Alvarez. Screwed me when I owned him now that I own Dan Hudson he’s still screwing me.

    • paddyman says:
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      @Steve, Man he’s the one that hit that fly ball that Krispie got injured on too. He’s the fantasy jinx I tells ya!

  17. Steve says:
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    Oh (and don’t judge me) but another content provider told me that Cliffy (my nickname, incidentally – again, don’t judge) was the first pitcher to throw 10 scoreless innings since Mulder in ’05.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Steve, Yeah, saw that…

  18. Tony says:
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    the headley 2 HR’s 1st half of last yr and 2 HR’s 2nd half make me sick, i play him in a league, and he hits 2 last night, what a joke.