*breathes in* Opening Day is finally upon us! Every fantasy team is confident of success. Someone is making a major miscalculation. But first, a word from our SAGNOF! A Rangers beat writer seems to believe Keone Kela will get the first opportunity for saves, and, if successful, he will own the job all year. Here you thought Keone was the name of Neo in the Korean remake of The Matrix. Or an Elon Musk cologne. *sprays mist* “Ah, I never go to Mars without my Keone.” Any hoo! Kela seems like a Hunter Strickland doppelgänger. Not looks-wise, but bad reputation, good stuff and a saves tease. I have not dropped Alex Claudio in any leagues yet, but I would own Kela, like an Elon Musk musk. By the way, there’s a new Razzball tool in town, the Reliev-o-Nator. It’s the Stream-o-Nator for saves. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Greg Bird – Out for two months with a broken spur in his foot. Guess that’s also why he didn’t fight in Vietnam. I moved Bird in my rankings, which have been locked in now. Prepare to make fun of me for all my stupidity!
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 26, 2018
Blake Parker – Could be in the lead for the closer job for the Anaheim Not Really Los Angeles Angels. This will get worse before it gets better, and I’m still stashing Cam Bedrosian, which is not to say I’m drawing a mustache on a picture of Cam Bedrosian.
Brad Boxberger – Named the closer over Archie Bradley. Bummed like a forgotten vet (social justice warrior!) that I didn’t push Boxberger harder in my rankings vs. Bradley. This shituation was clearly headed this way because Bradley is just more valuable being able to bridge close games from the middle of the 7th inning thru the 8th. Think Andrew Miller in the desert; I will call him Andrew Moses.
A.J. Puk – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. More like A.J. Vomit.
Nathan Eovaldi – They found bodies in his elbow. *David Caruso swipes off sunglasses* Looks like someone is armed for trouble. Eovaldi will have surgery and the Rays called up Austin Pruitt. I believe Austin Pruitt was also Sling Blade’s real name.
Phil Maton – Optioned to the minors to start the year. He has been Quakenbushed.
Ian Kinsler – May not start for Opening Day because his groin is questionable. That’s what she said!
Salvador Perez – Out for four to six weeks. Tore his MCL when he slipped carrying his luggage. See, the problem is Sal Perez never had wheels, not even on his suitcase. Olympic weightlifting champion, Drew Butera, will handle catcher duties until Salvy’s return, assuming he packs lighter.
Mark Melancon – Still feeling something in his arm, and it’s not a good something. Mel-ann-sin sounds like he’s about 36-48 hours away from being youse-less for this year. I grabbed Tony Watson, Hunter Strickland and Sam Dyson everywhere I could, since I have no idea who’s going to replace him. Watson is great, but a lefty; Strickland is great but is never relied on for saves, and Dyson is garbage, but has that ever-elusive closer mentality. Now let’s play ball! Which is not a call for you to get overly familiar with yourself.