That’s what time of year it is! Juan Lagares gets a buy lede. Read between the lines here, and what does it tell you? That as you get older you have to eat salad for lunch three times a week? Hmm, I’ve found that too, but that wasn’t what I wrote between the lines. Try again! That you don’t get embarrassed being seen in a public restroom, but get embarrassed being seen walking out of one? Me too. Still not what I wrote between the lines. You look for the skinniest person in a conveyor belt sushi place and sit next to them? Didn’t write that between the lines either, but lambda! (Lambda is the Greek letter used to indicate wavelength, so when you want to indicate you are a nerd and to tell someone you’re on the same wavelength just say lambda. That’s what I do. “I was thinking we should go to a movie.” “Lambda.” See? Now go have nerd babies!) Okay, between the lines it actually read that we’re firmly in the part of the year when it only matters what a player did in the last week. Lagares is about as hot as anyone right now. Better still, Terry Collins said he wants Lagares to run more. Let’s do a quick equation. Player who is trying to prove their worth + Suggested by manager that they run = Merle Haggard! Wow, math’s off there. Was supposed to equal tremendous fantasy value. Now, if Lagares wasn’t hitting it wouldn’t matter that Collins told him to run, but he is hitting and running like crazy — five steals in the last week while hitting over .300. He’s also been inserted into the leadoff spot. Thinking you should own him? Lambda! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Mookie Betts – Betts, Betts, Betts, Mookie, Betts, Betts, Betts! You gotta have Betts! Sorry, been listening to R.A. the Rugged Man. Only a few months ago, you nearly busted a blood vessel trying to pick up Betts. You remember don’t you, when he wasn’t hitting. Name any perennial All-Star, and nine out of ten dentists agree they weren’t good when they first came up. Now, no one is owning Betts, and he’s actually hitting. Figure that shizz out!
Gerardo Parra – CarGo is out (that’s something you’ve never heard before), and Parra’s been playing — along with Khris Davis. Parra doesn’t excite me a ton, but he does have light power, speed and that makes him sound like he’d be best friends with Carlos Ruiz. “Hey, I got light power and speed too, wanna mash up some Adderall pills and put them into a Red Bull?!”
Adam Dunn – He’s commercialized forests with his blue ox, Babe. He carved Mt. Rushmore with a toothpick. But he’s never done two things: hide and play in the playoffs. Now is his time, and he’s hitting like it.
Dalton Pompey – Jays called up their 21-year-old prodigy, who also sounds like the coolest man in the world. You just want to be friends with Dalton Pompey. He’s like a superhero that works as a bouncer at night and fights poverty during the day by turning himself into a towering inferno and burning down middle class homes. Okay, he’s less cool now. Stop burning down our houses, Dalton Pompey! This year in the minor leagues, he had 9 homers and 43 steals while consistently hitting above .300. No idea if he plays, but in AL-Only and keepers, no time like the present for Dalton Pompey. And move your Prius out of the driveway, just in case he sweeps through.
Jordan Schafer – Schafer is the embodiment of a schmohawk and SAGNOF. He is hot right now, but what else do you expect from a Schafer? You want the Chicken Tetrazzini to get cold?
Joc Pederson – You know when you have too much caffeine and you get all jittery and shizz and you start talking to strangers? I’m talking to strangers about Pederson for 2015 and I didn’t even have any caffeine. You give me the natural Jimmy leg!
Dilson Herrera – Love the direction the Mets have gone in the last few weeks, which is a big step for me since I haven’t liked the direction the Mets have gone in the last seven years. For a while they seemed to be living with the homely girl who is friends with a hot girl complex, only their hot girl was the Yanks. Couldn’t quite bag the popular guy, so they went with their jerky friends like Krispie Young, Granderson, Ike Davis, etc. Finally, they’re going with the nice guy that just isn’t as experienced. Hopefully, next March they don’t revert and try to coax Jason Bay out of retirement.
Arismendy Alcantara – He has three homers in the last week *covers mouth so garbled* while hitting .138.
Jose Ramirez – For these posts, I go back to my roundups for the week and gather hot schmotatoes and check their ownership. I’m told by me that Jose Ramirez is a hot schmotato and told by the Hitter-Tron his ownership is below 50%. Hitter-Tron also tells me that the bigger the appliance the better it is in the sack. More wattage to keep my hormones hostage, that’s what it says.
Logan Watkins – Are the Cubs playing with four middle infielders? Oh, that’s right, Castro’s out for the year and Arismendy is playing the outfield. So, are they playing with any middle infielders? Oh, Baez and Watkins. That isn’t to be confused with Baez vs. Watkins, which sounds like an all-city handball tournament in Jersey City. Watkins has little to no power, but he did have 23 steals in the minors, and is playing.
Josh Rutledge – I’m going off our Weekly Hitting Planner for this one, or WHP for short. Too bad it wasn’t recommending DJ LeMahieu, then it could stand for Wicked House Party.
James Paxton – I could sit here and tell you Paxton’s ERA is 1.91, but I’m actually standing and he hasn’t been pitching as well as his ERA indicates. Never the hoo! He gets the RAAAngers next and I only hear they’re good from one guy who also happened to get trapped under a stack of phone books in March and is just now excavating his way out.
Jose Quintana – Don’t love him after he was beaten around for a few starts, but options are low on Saturday on the Stream-o-Nator, young prematurely balding man.
Carlos Carrasco – This is also a Stream-o-Nator call, but could also see it being a long-as-you-need-type call. I like him a lot, but if he pitches poorly, I’d also drop Carrasco like he’s hot (sauce).
Danny Salazar – After his last start, he’s worth a look in all leagues. Okay, I looked, now what? Give me a second, Random Italicized Voice. And that’s a second. Stop being so literal. RIV? What are you doing? You told me to stop being. Shut off the car, and get out of the garage!
Juan Uribe – Not a great week to be picking up 3rd basemen. It’s like 1993 and we’re deciding between Dave Magadan and Todd Zeile. Damn fine career that Magadan had, but Zeile, he’s got a zest for life!
Andrew Susac – Catcher of the future for the Giants? P to the erhaps. Catcher for two-catcher and NL-Only leagues now? P to the rolly.
Aaron Sanchez – The writing’s been on the wall for a while. The writing reads, “We’re moving on from Casey Janssen after this year.” Not exactly Banksy, but it gets the point across. Sanchez has not only been getting saves, but he also has a 0.59 WHIP and 1.52 ERA with close to a K per inning. Will probably be met with derision at first, but I’d love to see Sanchez stay the closer for his career.
Kevin Quackenbush – Need SAGNOF? What the duck?!
Eric O’Flaherty – This feels like one of those situations where O’Flaherty is named the closer, gets one save in two weeks and then Doolittle returns. I hope I’m wrong, but, well, I haven’t been wrong since 1984. I really thought Walter Mondale had a shot!
SELL
Kole Calhoun – We had some good times. Like that time when…and that other time when…Um, well… Good times indeed!
Anthony Rizzo – H, E, Double Hockey Sticks to the Rizzo!
Martin Prado – He’s at 98% owned? Even if he wasn’t hurt, what is with the infatuation? You and Prado should get a room. Next door to Masters and Johnson, since everyone seems to be in that hotel at the worst possible time.
Coco Crisp – I love your afro, Crisp; your day-to-day injuries drive me up the wall, and this car, child, don’t drive up no walls! Whoa, I just suddenly started talking like a guest from The Ricki Lake Show. *snaps fingers* I’m your baby daddy’s fantasy ‘pert, and you are tore up from the floor up! *audience oohs* Ah, simpler times. Now dopey people aren’t on TV, they’re on Twitter.
