See Nate Eovaldi throw 99 MPH! Stop. In a part! Stop. Never before seen! Stop. As he takes on the role! Stop. Of Stanley Fastballski! Stop. He’s got a method fastball! Stop. Adapted from the book! Stop. You Shall Know My Eovelocity! Stop. If you want to park in the underground garage! Stop. No, seriously, stop! Stop. We don’t Eovalidate that garage! I loved what I saw the other day from Eovaldi. As Alicia Keys says, he throws fiiiiiiiiiiire! Fiiiiiiiiiire! Fiiiiiiiiiiire! He averaged over 96 MPH in his first start. That’s really good. That would’ve been the best fastball velocity for any starter for all of last year. Better than Matt Harvey. I don’t think he can maintain 96, but even if it falls to 94 on average, which it has been his entire career, he’s still in the top 1% of all starters. Only seven guys threw that fast last year. The list is a who’s who of guys you want on your team — Strasburg, Jose Fernandez, Samardzija, Homer Bailey, Cashner and the aforementioned Harvey. For his velocity alone, you should pick up Eovaldi in every league. Wins will be hard to come by, but a 3.50 ERA and a 7+ K-rate won’t be. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Brad Miller – His ownership actually went down after his two-homer game to 18%. Why do I think the average ESPN user is more interested in funny fantasy team names than their actual team? @Matthew Berry How about Schoopy Doo, Where Are Choo? EL OH EL OH EL!
Emilio Bonifacio – Emily Boneface is in a bit of a platoon, but worth the effort for some SAGNOF’ing goodness.
Chris Owings – Okay, so, basically, interjection, all the guys I told you to grab last week still apply. Any time you wanna start playing fantasy baseball, go to it.
Kolten Wong – I gave you my Kolten Wong fantasy last week. It was written in emojis.
Cody Asche – You’re gonna have to platoon him until Sandberg takes off the water wings.
Marcell Ozuna – He’s got power, speed and he’s vying for my adulation. And I don’t even know what adulation means! You’re a wily goose, Ozuna, and I like you for it. C’mon, let’s cuddle. You can’t get to third base! Yet. Rawr!
Matt Joyce – You say potato, I say hot schmotato. Let’s call the whole thing off because we’re not even saying the same words.
Marlon Byrd – Now that we’re past that whole drafting for upside thing, it’s time to pick up outfielders who are actually hitting. I’m kidding. Kinda. I don’t love giving up on guys like Bourjos or Eaton or fill-in upside name already, but Byrd has been hitting.
Abraham Almonte – And the Lord cometh down to the grassy outfield he planted and said, “Abraham, you will bat leadoff for Grey’s new favorite team, the Seattle Mariners, and you will have power and speed and a light you shoot from your eyeballs that will help me when I don’t feel like turning on the sun when I am hungover. Can I count on you? Abraham? Ugh, yes, I will leave a message.”
Adam LaRoche – See what I said about Byrd and put it at corner infidel.
Casey McGehee – Ugh, I can’t believe I’m recommending him. I feel dirty, I need confession. “Excuse me, Father, for I have sinned.” “Go ahead, child, please confess.” “‘Child,’ what are you a black woman?” “No, it’s an expression priests use too.” “You related to Charlie Blackmon?” “No. Please, just confess your sins.” “I told people to pick up Casey McGehee.” “Fifteen Hail Marys.” “Is that like Doug Flutie with Boston College?” “Forget it.”
Yan Gomes – For those of you (me) that lost Wilson Ramos on the first day of the season, Yan can (almost stutterer!) fill in until someone else emerges off of waivers. If you want to know what your Fantasy Master Lothario did with his loss of Ramos, I picked up Miguel Montero. I will now try not to pick my catcher scab, and Ron Popeil him.
Dillon Gee – I get it, he’s about as exciting as saying his last name, but he’s also a safe starter, especially at home. Worth owning in mixed leagues.
Erasmo Ramirez – Watch, in about three weeks ESPN is going to say Erasmo came out of nowhere to be in their top 50 starters. Of course, he only came out of nowhere for them. It’s like this, “Brad Miller was a steal if you drafted him where we ranked him around 500 overall.” Yes, because you were the ones ranking him that low!
Martin Perez – I’m looking at my rankings and the fact that he’s only owned in 5% of ESPN leagues and I’m confused, then I realize a bunch of schmohawks drafted using ESPN’s rankings.
Jenrry Mejia – This one is going simply on the Stream-o-Nator where it’s all googly over Mejia like it’s the Hitter-Tron setting its eyes on the newest issue of Popular Mechanics.
Carlos Carrasco – Another Stream-o-Nator cause célèbre like Angelina Jolie and every cause.
Jose Valverde – I just went over my Jose Valverde fantasy. It was one part poopie, two parts grande.
Francisco Rodriguez – The Brewers had an opening at closer and K-Rod shoved his hand up into The Muppet Master’s business. See, K-Rod went from stepping on a cactus in Spring Training to stepping on people’s dignities!
Jonathan Broxton – Dumpster Pants will take over for Aroldis when he returns next week. To read more, moi Jonathan Broxton fantasy.
Sergio Santos – For those living in a bubble, there was a closepocalypse earlier this week. By the by, for those that are living in a bubble, do you have to dust?
Josh Fields – Okay, so SAGNOF is like the Blob, taking over this city we call Buy.
Matt Lindstrom – Also, just covered my Matt Lindstrom fantasy. To give it to you nice and simple like Minnie Pearl would’ve liked it, here they are in order: Lindstrom, Valverde, Fields, Broxton, K-Rod then Santos. My reasoning, if you must know– I must! I must! Are you on drugs, Random Italicized Voice? Yes. — Lindstrom is better than Valverde and he was named the closer outright; Valverde is hot garbage on the dashboard of a car parked in the Sahara Desert and he was only named closer because of an injury so he has a shorter leash; Fields appears to be the closer, but it is the Astros; Broxton is next up because he was named the closer and will be there for six weeks (assuming Dumpster Pants doesn’t botch it up like his cholesterol); then K-Rod is next because he’s only a temp closer until Henderson gets his stuff back, or so says Roenicke; finally, Santos may not even have the job to himself with Cecil sneaking in for matchups. I need a nap! *puts head on keyboard, wakes in 20 minutes, claps hands* I feel refreshed!
Antonio Bastardo – It’s a bit like a hard ways bet at the craps table, guessing which closer will be out next, but I’d put a buck on people who own the current Phillies closer getting a Pap smear.
SELL
Matt Kemp – I don’t hate the Dodgers. Really, I don’t. It could seem that way since my first two Sells of the season come dressed in Dodger Blue and arrive with twenty minute anecdotes provided by Vin Scully. Matt Kemp is a must hold if your league has a Handsome category. I’d not only allow him to have sex with my Cougar, but I’d pay for it in a reversal of Indecent Proposal. It’s the least I could do for Cougs since I spend 98% of my time with baseball and 2% with food. Putting Kemp’s very masculine looks aside, he can’t stay healthy. The most likely scenario for Kemp this year is a near-repeat of 2012 — no, not the part of the year where he’d wait silently while Rihanna talked things over with her ex — the part where he had 23 homers, 9 steals and a .303 average. That’s not bad. That year he had some luck with his average, so a .260 average is just as likely. To the people thinking he can repeat his 39 HRs, 40 SBs season I say, I think your brain is on a dimmer. I don’t think you should sell Kemp for a bag of Hydrox cookies, but I’d explore offers.
