I’ve started that dance with Xander Bogaerts. You know what dance I mean. The dance when you pick up, drop, pick up, drop, think about picking up then decide against it, go partially through with picking him up only to sit on your team page and not have anyone to drop…Then decide against it. That dance. The dance that any middle-aged man would do if he were in Morocco and not willing to pick a side because he’d only be fighting for a woman he banged in Paris and his only friend is some guy with bugged-out eyes. Every time I start the dance, Sam starts playing his piano and I’m like, “Play it again, Sam?” I say it in the form of a question so I don’t get sued for copyright infringement. I’ve done that dance with Bogaerts for about a week. And I can’t commit. *lights cigarette* Of all the waiver wire joints in all the fantasy leagues in all the world, he walked into mine. I’m only doing this back-and-forth dance with him because he’s going to be so good and I know he’s about to be called up. The Red Sox moved him to 3rd base in the minors just to give him a bit more flexibility to get him into their major league lineup. On Prospect Scott’s top 50 minor league fantasy prospects, he was number one. Numero uno, the head cheese, the big mahoff. Between Double and Triple-A this year, he has 14 homers and 7 steals. That’s solid for a prospect. For a 20-year-old, that’s the sign of a future perennial All-Star. In all leagues, I’m going to be dancing with him until he gets the call. As I wrote this, I grabbed and dropped him two more times. If you have the room, stash him right now. He will be up within the next month and this will be the start of a beautiful friendship. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the Buy/Sell, just wanted to formerly announce we’re selling all new Razzball t-shirts. They’re one-of-a-kind, unless you buy more than one, then they’re two-of-a-kind. If you buy three, they’re– Okay, you get where I’m going here. Anyway, here’s the Buy/Sell:
Alex Avila – Right now he’s the best catcher that no one owns, i.e., the cream of the crap.
Geovany Soto – With Yadier hitting the DL, I grabbed Soto in the league where we had him because Soto’s hit two homers this week. I also grabbed him because it’s a very deep, two-catcher league and the options were Soto or Mike LaValliere, who hated the boom mic.
Russell Martin – Because I like to torture myself, I looked at the Player Rater to see where Russell Martin was compared to Salvador Perez. It’s not even close! I’m going to gather a bunch of homeless people, dress them up like old Latina grandmothers and pay them to follow around Perez and tell him they are his abuelita. I’m doing it just to torture him like he tortures me! “Salvy, I’m the ghost of your abuelita. Do you have any spare change for booze?”
Yuniesky Betancourt – He has three homers in the last ten games and is hitting near .350 in the last week. Can’t find a…Betancourt! Can’t find a…Betancourt! No? Okay.
Logan Forsythe – Later today, Everth Cabrera is going to be suspended for the rest of the season. (I say later today, but MLB is procrastinating worse than you in college when you had to study.) So, they’re supposed to announce the suspensions later today, but it could come any time in the next two months. Someone tack Selig’s toupee onto his head and send him in front of the cameras already! “Do you think I should go with 34% auburn or 36% auburn?” That’s Selig standing in his walk-in closet of toupees. Any the hoo! Forsythe will become an everyday player and has light-power and some speed.
Nolan Arenado – Let’s step in the Wayback Machine. *wavy lines* It’s April 16, 1991 in Newport, California. I’m here in the maternity ward with the Arenado family, and Nolan was just born. I’m now sneaking into the baby holding pen, or whatever they call it. Hey, Nolan, I’m Grey. You don’t know me, but I’m here to tell you you have to have a huge final two months in your rookie year. No, don’t tug on my mustache. That’s not a toy. Hey, stop it! Don’t make me switch you with Alfonso Soriano’s newborn grandson. Oh, hey, nurse! Um, I’m just checking to make sure the tags are cut out of the baby’s shirt so it doesn’t scratch him… You don’t have to get the cops! Just make sure this kid hits in his final two months of his rookie year. Yes, technically, this is his rookie year on the planet, but I’m talking about when he’s in the majors. I’ve said too much already! *wavy lines* Well, there, I did what I could.
Mike Moustakas – The good news, he can’t be as bad as he was. The bad news, he can. I lied.
Matt Dominguez – Bit of a hot schmotato that I wouldn’t trust past Sunday. For Dominguez, that’s fitting.
Eric Chavez – He’s a righty killer, which is better than being possessed by Gordon Ramsay and transformed into God, but not as good as being a righty and lefty killer. (BTW, if you don’t know what I’m talking about here, Google ‘possessed by Gordon Ramsay and thinking you’re God.’ In Hailie Mathers’s voice, my MasterChef cheftestant gone crazy!)
Cody Asche – Here’s what I said earlier in the week about him, “Asche’s most famously known for his mathematically intricate lithograph of staircases where normal rules of gravity don’t apply. Less famously known as the guy who will replace Michael Young once he’s traded (or simply benched). Asche is strong with the bat — that’s what she said! Huh? He’s weaker on the field, which is a “Who cares?” with a side of “It don’t matter to me.” He reminds me of a brand-new version of the guy he will be replacing. Call him Michael Younger. He doesn’t have huge power (12-ish homers) or huge speed (12-ish steals), but should have a decent average (.280-ish). A fine promotion for the youth-deprived Phillies, who are more like the Naggies.” And that’s me quoting me!
Junior Lake – I just went over him this morning. Scroll up, click Home, scroll down to previous article, click…Voila!
Jonathan Villar – Didja you hear he stole home? Wasn’t even really close. Imagine what he can do when the guy trying to get him out isn’t 60 feet away from him throwing 90 MPH. Yup.
Christian Yelich – Have you seen his photo? He looks like the kid who shows up at your house in his dad’s jacket and asks if he can shovel out your driveway.
Dayan Viciedo – I think his hot schmotato might’ve burned out already. Or not. We’ll see. Your choice! Or is it?
L.J. Hoes – Has very-light pop, but could steal some bases with an opportunity. See, Hoes has tricks up his sleeve, not in his pants.
Leonys Martin – Looks like he just had to get really cold to get moved up to the leadoff spot, then only to get hot again. What drugs is Ron Washington doing? Forget I asked.
Cameron Maybin – Could return shortly from a PCL tear in his knee. I don’t know if that’s the good news or the bad news, but for those in deep leagues, he’s worth a flyer.
Rajai Davis – “King of SAGNOF, we request your attention on a dire matter…Melky is on the DL and we need your speed!” Rajai rolls out of bed, “Stop your blabbering, I’m coming. Have McLouth bring around my piss bucket, would you?”
Yoervis Medina – His name sounds like a drug kingpin. Or Benny Medina’s nerdy cousin. The Mariners could go to Medina for saves (or Perez or stick with Kaiser Socrappy). If I were desperate, I’d try Medina.
Dane De La Rosa – There’s so many De La Rosa’s, the top De La Rosa must be like the Don Juan of Latin America. Or maybe Don Juan was the Don Juan of Latin America. Any the hoo! DLR could see save chances, but he could also blow up your ratio spot, so caveat emptor, as they also say in Latin America.
Wei-Yin Chen – In 75 1/3 IP, he has a 2.87 ERA and 1.17 WHIP with six wins. How’s Verlander looking compared to that in his last 75 innings? Cust curious.
Andre Rienzo – Here’s what I said the other day, “Rienzo Sono Buoni, it means, Rienzo is so good. He can touch 94-95 MPH with his fastball and has shown the ability to miss bats, while also being very raw in his command. With this start and Peavy exiting stage right, Rienzo should remain in the rotation. I’d gamble on him in AL-Only and very deep mixed leagues, but he won’t get an easy next matchup.” And that’s me quoting me!
Rick Porcello – He has a 2.08 ERA in July. The Stream-o-Nator likes his next start and so do I. SoN, “I’m glad we’re getting along again. Now, could you ask the Hitter-Tron to replace my Popular Mechanics magazine? The pages are all stuck together.”
Anyone Doe – In a lot of leagues, this is the last week to trade away players. It’s time to start making some hard choices. Mike Trout sure does dress like a world-class hitter, but if you need ERA and saves, he’s not helping you. Though Clayton Kershaw and Mark Melancon might. The inverse is also true, if you have Kershaw, Melancon, Kenley Jansen and Strasburg, trade two of them for a part that could help. Most pitchers will see about 10 starts from now until the end. Most closers will be lucky to tag 12 saves onto their totals. The best hitters will be lucky to get 18/8/18 and 8 steals. Once trade deadlines pass, you’ll be left with nothing, but free agent pickups. In deep leagues, this can spell doom. (Dee oh oh em, by the way.) When your trade deadline passes, how can you make up ground in saves if you don’t have the closers? Only so many new closers will come into the league in September. Where are you getting steals from in September? Or home runs? You need to make moves right now. If no one will give the parts you need, you may have to overpay. It’s not a crime to trade Trout for Melancon and, say, Bumgarner if it gets you the championship. It’s a crime to get a ten in steals and a three in Saves, if it costs you your league. Leave nothing on the table. I want everyone who is reading this to win their league. You can’t win your league because you held onto Trout when he could’ve got you a necessary piece and the title. It’s now or never, people! Make it count.