Hopefully everyone had a great Mother’s Day and if you were under a rock, this is your reminder to at least squeeze in a belated wish to all the Mother’s in your life.  Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about the aforementioned DFS Mourners Day.  Why am I referring to it as DFS Mourners Day?  Well to put it bluntly, today’s pitching slate is probably the worst set of starting pitchers that I’ve had the displeasure of writing about.  It’s comically bad.   I want to apologize ahead of time for the subpar schedule, but I’m really going to try and stay positive considering our limited options.   Unfortunately, my original lede, Carlos Carrasco is not in the mix tonight because of his early 6:10 PM start.  Note to the DFS and MLB schedulers: can you work together so we don’t run into these types of situations?  I mean, Mondays already suck enough as is.  At least with a decent DFS schedule and my stellar writing, we typically have something to look forward to, am I right?  With tonight’s starting pitching peaking at “questionable” (if that), we’re going to have to really dig into the offensive side of the game tonight.  The upside of having the highest priced pitcher – Brandon McCarthy – maxing out a pedestrian $17,700, meaning we’ll have a bunch of offensive cash to throw around.  Side note, I know he’s facing the Giants in SF tonight, but this is McCarthy’s first start off the DL and yet he’s still the highest priced pitcher?  That is the definition of slim pickins everyone.  It’s only the Best of the Worst for our Inaugural DFS Mourners Day.  Without further ado, I would like to announce the two SP’s Headlining our Mediocre Monday…….  I give you, Jesse Chavez, $15,000 vs the White Sox and Chase Anderson, $13,500 at the Padres.  Now please give me a minute or ten to collect my thoughts.  *Steps away from computer, goes down stairs to watch Derek Jeter’s number retirement ceremony, sits back at computer, reloads the rosters for today, triple checks (just in case there were some makeup games that possibly could have been missed), shakes head in defeat and continues post.*  Yay!  Chavez and Chase are going to dominate tonight!  These two studs…I mean, duds are going to kill it.  They’re both pitching in favorable pitcher parks against less than favorable offenses.  On DFS Mourners Day, we really couldn’t ask for a better pair of pitchers to roster if we tried.  Now that the worst is over, let’s figure out how to spend all this extra money on the offensive side…EDITOR’S NOTE: speaking of extra money, you got $5?  Yeah?  Wanna spend it on a better pitching slate than what we’ve got today?  Well hop into the Razzball Listener’s League tomorrow night and play against your most favorite and least favorite of your Razzball friends and frenemies.  Now back with the progrizzle…

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Zack Godley, SP: $12,600 – It’s the double Zack Attack tonight as Godley vs Wheeler in the battle of The Zack’s!  I heart me some Zack Wheeler, but, this Zack is averaging 20.90 points over his first two starts of 2017.  He was actually a sneaky play numerous times for me last year, so I do have a little love for this Zack, too.  He’s facing a Mets club that is going through some turmoil and he just might be able to take advantage tonight.

Paul Goldschmidt, IF: $10,200 – America’s First Baseman is about to go all Stars and Stripes on the stat sheets.  Team ‘Merica, F**K Yeah!  Oh, Yeah Brother, his 24″ pythons flexxed for 3 Bomb’s this weekend and he’s not done.  Him and the Tri-Lamb are Monday night All Stars; bomb’s away in AZ tonight.

Freddie Freeman, IF: $9,600 – If Goldie’s America’s First Baseman, what is Freeman?  I mean his last name is Freeman for f**k sake!  I guess he’s the Hulk, if we’re sticking with the Avengers theme.  Look at his numbers and tell me he hasn’t been beasting out like the Hulk?  HULK SMASH!  Now whenever I look at Freeman, I’m just going to think Freddie SMASH!  P.S., he’s facing Mike Bolsinger in Toronto if that matters.

Jonathan Villar, IF: $8,800 – Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know he’s been quiet compared to last year.  He’s been heating up over his last four games going 7/17, 3 R, 1 HR, 5 RBI and a bag.  He’s 5/5 vs Luis Perdomo and I think he’ll be stuffing the stat sheets tonight.

Yonder Alonso, IF: $8,100 – It’s a 1B extravaganza for DFS Mourners Day.  If you don’t have at least three 1B’s in your roster tonight, my friend, then you’re not trying hard enough.  He hit two bombs last week for TheRizzo in Tuesday’s Razzball FantasyDraft contest.  Props to TheRizzo who took 1st.  I was looking up from the 4th spot, but I still got $13.50 from my $5 entry.  FantasyDraft is paying out a guarantee on all Tuesday Night Razzball contests.  It’s $5!  Come on man, you got five in it, get in where you fit in.

Danny Espinosa, IF: $6,000 – This is part Batty Call, part BVP of 6/13 with a bomb vs Mike Pelfrey.  Dude was like 0 for his last 30 when he went yard yesterday.  He’s as streaky as they come and I’m hoping yesterday’s bomb got his fire going.

Mike Trout, OF: $10,500 – He’s only hit 3 HRs over his last 3 games.  Can he go all Quad City DJ’s tonight against Mike Pelfrey?  All aboard the Trout Train!  Choo, Choo!

Michael Conforto, OF: $8,800 – He’s built for comfort and he’s AKA the Sofa King.  Why, you ask?  Cause he’s been Sofa King Good!  He missed the cycle by a single yesterday!  That would have been Sofa King Cool!

Nelson Cruz, OF: $8,700 – The Boomstick has been hit and miss as of late.  I know he was nursing a hamstring issue, so I’ll give him a little slack.  He’s facing Sean Manaea fresh off the DL.  The Boomstick tends to make a lot of noise vs LHP.

I’m Only Happy When It Rains

The only silver lining to  DFS Mourners Day is the weather.  NO RAIN at all!  Four domes and clear skies for the non-domed games.

Doing Lines In Vegas

Mark it down on your calendar, because Jesse Chavez is the leader tonight at -162.  The HOU vs MIA and ATL vs TOR are both sitting at 9 for the O/U.