Jorge Posada’s going to hit 161 home runs (accounting for one rainout, of course), Granderson’s going to win the MVP and Big Papi still sucks. Oh, and Beckett’s record will be 0-25-1. Yes, a tie. My crystal ball doesn’t lie, don’t second guess it. Spring has sprung and baseball’s back. It’s a good time to be alive. The flowers smell different, don’t they? They smell like hot dogs. Right now, I feel like putting some endangered Chilean sea bass on the grill, an Olde English in an oversized cozy and kicking back for the next six months while the sounds of baseball dance in my head. Oh, and win all my fantasy baseball leagues; that would be nice too. The number one thing you don’t want to do in the next few weeks is overrate anything you see. You’re not winning your league in the first few weeks, but you can lose it. As inviting as Brett Gardner seems right now, don’t drop A-Rod for him. Even if A-Rod cheats. Brett Gardner’s an intriguing name in deep leagues. Just don’t jump out the window until you see how real the fire is. On the other hand, don’t ignore what goes on these first few weeks. This is when The ‘08 Nadys (<–great band name) get signed, but is also when the ’09 Bonifacios open for them. Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend for fantasy baseball:
Jon Rauch – Officially the closer for the Twins. Old news at this point. But, as far as I’m concerned, old news is better than new news because saying new news sounds dumb. Who are you, Starship singing Sara, Sara… Sara, Sara? I get it. One Sara would suffice. No reason why Rauch can’t be completely effective as the closer, or effective until July when the Twins trade for Bell. Rauch is a sneaky donkeycorn, which is redundant because all donkeycorns are sneaky. It’s in their DNA. In all the leagues I had Guerrier, and it was quite a few, I dropped him and grabbed Duchscherer.
Justin Duchscherer – When healthy, he’s pitched well. When not healthy, you DL or drop him. He’s a Bennis Carpensheeter.
Andrew Bailey – Limped off the field on Saturday with grabbing in his knee. *sad trombone* Bailey says he’ll be fine for Opening Day. I say it’ll be a miracle if he gets through April healthy. With Wuertz *pinkie to mouth* hurtz, I grabbed Ziegler and dropped Duchscherer in one league. Yes, in the matter of two blurbs I’ve added two guys and dropped two guys. That’s how I roll.
Gio Gonzalez – Named the A’s fifth starter. I already dazzled your retinas with why to own Gio Gonzalez. Gio’s 1980 Belushi wild, but he’s also pretty unhittable. He could easily be the AL’s answer to Jorge de la Rosa. Oh, and Gio pitches in a pitcher’s park. Hello, melons, I like to squeeze.
Coco Crisp – Fractured his pinkie. And the breaks keep coming for the A’s. I mean good breaks. Bee tee dubya, Fox didn’t crack the lineup even without Crisp. Let us say, radicchio.
Jack Cust – Geez, is this an all A’s roundup? Cust was designated for assignment. Still… No Fox! Eric Chavez will be the primary DH. As far as Chavez can limp, DH may as well stand for designated hamstring. Chavez doesn’t need Macho Camacho to knock him out, a strong gust of wind will do. Fox will see his share of ABs this year. Elias Sports Bureau said Jake Fox is the first super-utility man in the history of baseball who can’t play defense. Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was overheard this week in the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “On Monday, Peter, in accounting, imitated the dramatic prairie dog a record 17 times.”
Nate McLouth – Hamstring’s fine, will play on Opening Day. This guy really fell off the map in drafts. See no reason why he can’t give you a 20/20 season with a mediocre average.
Luis Valbuena – Bruised his hand and will miss a few days. Grudzielanek will fill-in for him. Somewhere the guy who has to sew the last names on the Indians’ jerseys groans.
John Bowker – Won the starting job over Schierholtz. That’s like beating conjoined twins in a race to put on pants.
Scott Kazmir – To the 15-day DL. No way! C’mon! Really? He’s only supposed to miss two starts. And I was only supposed to write a blog for a few months back in 2007. Oh-kay.
Jeff Francis – Rockies placed him on the DL. In other news, who cares?
Seth Smith – Will start over Dexter Fowler on Opening Day. It’s only Opening Day, but Fowler’s value could take a hit moving forward. Unless we can somehow coax Brad Hawpe to run into a wall. Smith’s a great pickup in deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues. His bat has never been the issue. Playing time has.
Aroldis Chapman – Sent to Triple-A. He’ll be back at some point. June is my guess. Filling in for him is…
Mike Leake -The first 1st (geez, so much redundancy in this post) round pick to make it to the major leagues from last year’s amateur draft (you know, the one with Strasburg). Leake has quality control and strikeout stuff. I’d grab him in keepers and NL-Only leagues. Just remember Homer Bailey was a highly touted pitcher and we’re still waiting for him. For every rookie phenom, there’s a few roofies in your drink and you wake up in Guatemala watching a high school production of My Fair Lady.
Mike Jacobs – Staying in the “Mike” genre, Jacobs will be in a blahtoon with Fernando Tatis. I understand the Mets are biding their time until Ike Davis is ready, but they couldn’t have went after a 1st baseman this offseason. The Mets are a big market team, right? Cause I could’ve sworn New York qualified for that distinction. The Mets really need to move past minayal and get on with pain and guilt.
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday. He says he wants to go for 20 homers. That would be a record for a Sparky Anklebiter.
Kevin Youkilis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and hit his first and probably only triple this year. Assist from Nick Swisher when his route to the Youk triple was through Beacon Street.
Josh Beckett – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Last year, his April ERA was 7.22.
CC Sabathia – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Another notoriously slow starter. He’ll be fine. Long season, yadda2.
Brett Gardner – 2-for-4, steal of home. You tell Raphael that Brett Gardner ain’t taking no jive from no Western Union messenger.
Jorge Posada – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, HR, one manly pat on the butt from Andy Pettitte.
Nick Johnson – 0-for-3, hurt himself on Friday, but played yesterday. If you have Johnson on your team and you need him to stay healthy, it’s like needing farts to not smell.
