Stephen Drew to postpone all ballroom dancing classes for six to nine months with a fractured ankle. His wife Nancy isn’t gonna be happy. More time for mystery solving! If you haven’t seen the video of Stephen Drew, I’d wait for it on the big screen in Faces of Death: The Drew Edition, which will also feature J.D. throwing out his back, knee, shoulder, back again and ‘pulling up short.’ We probably won’t see Stephen again this year, so it’s fine to drop him. In his place, Cody Ransom, Quad-A/futility infielder. He has 25 homers in Triple-A this year, and 9 homers in about ten years of on again/off again major league service. You can probably do better. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Wilson Betemit – Castaway Wilson got volleyed to the Tigers yesterday. Betemit has never received any modicum of respect in his major league career, if I’m using the word modicum correctly. For the longest time, the Royals would drop the boom with prospect after prospect and Betemit would be MOS — ‘Mit Out Starting job — but now Betemit will take over 3rd base. Brandon Inge must feel Blind Sided by this. Maybe he should call Sandra Bullock or Big Mike to campaign for him. Every bone in your body tells you you shouldn’t own Betemit, but why are you listening to bones? Is that some voodoo shizz? If you’re struggling with your corner infidel in deep mixed leagues, Betemit could provide some pop and average. Of course, don’t drop anyone too worthwhile for him. Still no respect!
Casper Wells – This was what Leyland said when he sent Wells down, “It’s a crying shame. He doesn’t deserve to go down. This one hurts because the kid has done a hell of a job.” Apparently, the only thing harder than giving up Casper is giving up tobacco. If only there was a Casper Wells patch!
Duane Below – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. He’s a pretty mediocre AL-Only option with a bleh K-rate in the minors. Plus, Duane Below sounds like a What’s Happening episode where Raj and Rerun lost their friend’s hair pick. Hey HEY….sob….hey.
Carlos Gomez – Broke his collar bone and will be out for a while. Maybe Lastings Milledge can work “poppin’ collars like Carlos Gomez” into a song.
Dan Haren – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. I thought we had a deal that someone was going to sneak into Haren’s room and turn the calender back to June?
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks. He looked better than Lincecum, in both a straight and gay way.
Javy Guerra – Has six straight saves, an ERA of 2.18 and a perma-smile like the Joker.
Andre Ethier – Has 9 homers, zero steals and a .299 average. Johnny Damon would be embarrassed by that line.
Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in 26 games since he’s been called up. He’s almost surely going to be overrated next year. Damn you, half empty glass.
Chris Narveson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. Next, he gets the Cubs, then the Astros twice. That’s a yes, please and thank you.
Jason Vargas – 3 IP, 5 ER. How very JV of him. Two straight bad starts, two reasons he should no longer be on your team.
Adam Dunn – Out with knee problems. Ironically, this year his fantasy owners were forced to take a knee.
John Danks – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Solid start in his return from the Disabled List. Or as Ozzie calls it, the Puta List.
Brad Lidge – Due back from rehab on Friday. I’d make sure he comes with return postage for when he gets hurt again. He won’t be the closer immediately, but the Phils merry-go-round closerousel could pick up in August.
Antonio Bastardo – Charlie Manuel hinted that Bastardo could remain the closer. I hope Madson enjoyed screwing Charlie Manuel’s daughter (I imagine she looks like Cletus from The Simpsons with boobs) because for some reason he’s in the dog house again. Or maybe Manuel was saying Madson would be the closer, but calling him a bastardo.
Vance Worley – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’d be cooler if his name was Van Swirley. Last time Worley pitched well, I said he shouldn’t be pitching this well, but you should pick him up until he stops pitching this well. Well, well, well…
Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. The Cubs were mowed down by Philly — back again! — with a little east coast swing by the J, the I, the M, the M, the Y, y’all!
Michael Martinez – 2-for-5 with 2 steals. Probably won’t hit over .240 but he has some speed and is playing while Polanco receives an epidural. Betcha Polanco wishes he chose natural childbirth.
Ryan Dempster – 3 IP, 6 ER as Dempster goes back to the dumpster.
Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-5, 4 runs, a home run and two steals. Encarnacion goes through stretches where he gets crazy hot. Right now, hitting near .450 in the last week with three steals and a homer and 17 for his last 40. He’s a hot schmotato, ya’ll.
Travis Snider – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a home run. Really shouldn’t be on waivers in any leagues at this point.
Jayson Werth – 3-for-5, and his 11th home run. According to RCL updater, VinWins, Duffy’s Irish Pub in Washington, D.C. is matching beer prices to Jayson Werth’s average. 3 hits yesterday raised the price to $2.18. For where I live (Los Angeles), a bar could match Ruth’s lifetime slugging percentage and be a good deal.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-4 and a home run. Or as someone on Sportscenter probably said, Lonnie went gonnie.
Freddy Garcia – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. When I see Garcia’s season ERA at 3.21, I get as incredulous as De Niro when Spider talks back to Pesci.
Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-3 with 2 steals. Now has 13 steals on the year (and 13 errors and 13 strikeouts and 13 times he’s name dropped Jeter to try and get laid).
Joe Nathan – 1 IP, 1 ER. Still recorded the save, but it’s worth noting he gave up a run. And noted.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Now has a season ERA of 1.98 as he went against Jeff Karstens (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K) and his 2.28 ERA. To think we paid 20-something dollars for Gallardo in March… Cust frustrated.
Chase D’Arnaud – Now has 7 errors in 21 games played. More like Chase D’Ball.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 14th and 15th home runs. Member when I said in April Ellsbury and Gardner were the same player? I kill myself sometimes. Literally, I’m sticking my head in the oven.
Ricky Nolasco – 1 1/3 IP, 9 ER vs. the Padres. San Diego bats haven’t been used this much since Cinco de Mayo. Not sure if candy came out of Nolasco.
Will Venable – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer as every hitter on the Padres got into the action. San Diego’s offense yesterday was like Ralphie beating up Farkus. Months of futility boiling up into an uncontrollable rage. I just picture Jason Bartlett kicking and screaming, “Fickin’, shmikin…”
