Zack Cozart is a pickup in all leagues where you need a middle infidel. Go, I’ll wait here. *scratches chin, yawns, covers mustache with two fingers to see what I look like without it, shakes head* Welcome back! Cozart hit 17 homers and stole 30 bases last year. You know who that reminds me of? No, not you in high school. Let it go, man. It reminds me of Danny Espinosa. Danny has a bit more power and a bit less speed, but tomato-tomato with a different emphasis. Cozart also comes with the same potential to be an average drain. Also, Espinosa and Cozart sounds like a promising TNT drama starring Freddy Prinze Jr. and Stifler. In real baseball (which is played with more crotch scratching, but less crotch grabbing), Cozart’s just okay. A potential 15/20 guy (over the course of a whole season) at shortstop in fantasy baseball is a yes, please and thank you. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Edinson Volquez – Optioned to Triple-A in hopes that Edinson can rediscover his electric stuff. I have an idea for his rehab: don’t let him pitch the first inning.
Dontrelle Willis – Will take Edinson’s spot on Sunday. For those thinking about picking him up, I have a question for you — What’chu talkin’ about… Willis?!
Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a long overdue slam & legs. As I was doing my top 100 for the 2nd half that will be posted next Tuesday, I was contemplating where to put Heyward because I thought he might still be injured. This game was either a nice sign or Heyward messing with me. Probably the former, if former means the first one.
Kyle Seager – The guy who sounds like an 80’s sitcom character is going to play the majority of 3rd base for the Mariners. In related news, Chone Figgins will be out of baseball in less than two years. Anyone want any action? So Seager is a high average, just meh power and speed guy. Kinda like a poor man’s Prado, or I guess that’s a Prado knockoff. I’m not a huge fan of Prado so you can imagine how I feel about Seager. It’s just a’ight in AL-Only leagues.
Jason Kendall – It looks like shoulder surgery will force him into retirement. Much like Pudge, Kendall has moved long ago from an elite fantasy catcher. But here are some crazy stats for you courtesy of Rudy: Kendall is 3rd all-time amongst Catchers (80+% of games at catcher) in Hits and Times On Base (behind Pudge and Fisk). That’s ahead of Berra, Bench, Piazza, Dickey, and Carter. And his .366 OBP beats all the aforementioned catchers except Piazza. He’s also 5th all time amongst all hitters in HBP. But his lack of power puts his Wins Above Replacement lower than those catchers and a few other non-HOF catchers like Munson, Freehan, and Darrell “Big Frames” Porter. Whew, because a Jason Kendall for HOF advocacy would be as joyless as owning him the past 7 years. (Note from Grey: One last time: Much like a Ken doll, Kendall has no bat.)
Charlie Blackmon – Could miss the rest of the season with a fractured bone in his foot. What? This is baseball! Not football! (Though if you’re into fantasy football, Chet’s holding a contest where he’s giving away $300. I’m guessing you’ll get it in unmarked pennies. Now go check it out.)
Juan Nicasio – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Mr. Obvious, “Nicasio can’t be relied on in any leagues right now.”
Lonnie Chisenhall – Was plunked in the face. Eric Plunk, “You owe me a nickel for using that verb.” Um, okay. So this sounds like terrible news. I’m beginning to think every hitter should wear Great Gazoo helmets. As soon as I hear more news on Lonnie, I’ll repurpose the information with a bit of humor and let you know.
Josh Reddick – Hit his 2nd homer yesterday. I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he’s not. He’s here now, you need this shizz spoon-fed to you?
Andrew Miller – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks. He got lucky. Now if you press your luck and start him again, you may get a whammy.
Mike Stanton – Now back-to-back games with a homer as he screamed in the baseball’s face a’la CT, “I will smoke you!”
Brad Hand – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. This comes after two starts where he didn’t get out of the fifth inning. I’m not calling this start a liar, but I believe the last two starts more. Also, Clay Hensley could take Hand’s spot in the rotation soon after the All-Star break.
Ben Zobrist – 8 for his last 12 with a home run yesterday. BenZo looks to be rolling once again.
B.J. Upton – 2-for-4 with his 14th homer — not in this game, that would’ve been a record prior to the steroid era. He also has 20 steals. If he could just get his average up to .280, he’d be such a force. I think I’m going all in on him next year when he’s 27. Poppycock, you say. Okay, but what the eff is poppycock and why are you saying it?
Rich Harden – 5 IP, 5 ER. Usually if he stays healthy, he’s dominant but this start was bleh. Harden, “I can too stay healthy! Ow! I juth bit my lip when I said ‘eathy!”
Philip Humber – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Mmm-hmm.
Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 Ks. Sonavabench! Hey, I know that impersonation — it’s Liriano, and I don’t like it.
Matt Garza – 2 IP, 6 ER as the Nats had an extravaGarza. Watch your toes, everyone. Garza continues to take steps backwards. Garza’s xFIP was under 3.00 before this game. Too bad I don’t freakin’ play in a league with xFIP. I wish he’d just have an aggressive burp, throw out his back and go to the DL.
Frank Francisco – Recorded no outs and gave up 3 earned runs. Looks like I don’t have to be embarrassed that I tattooed Rauch’s name on my fantasy baseball team’s neck.
Carlos Villanueva – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. After the break, the Blue Kays get the Yankees, Mariners, Rangers and Orioles respectively. If Chuck Newtown gets the M’s and O’s, then nom nom. If he gets the Yanks and Texas, then indigestion.
Cory Luebke – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. I’m flummoxed why I have to beg people to pick up certain pitchers. BTW, you can’t spell flummoxed without the lox, which Eli Whiteside provides.
Jered Weaver – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. ERA is now at 1.86, WHIP is 0.91. What a dream, Weaver. The highest compliment I can give a player is, “Hey, really nice mustache.” But my 2nd highest compliment is I wish I owned them on every team.
Jose Reyes – To the DL with his bad hamstring. Get Michael Jackson’s old hyperbaric chamber for Jose Reyes’s hamstring! He’s supposed to be out for three weeks now. I hate the Mets. Why can’t they just say when a player is going to be out for an extended period of time? Who’s their doctor? Dr. Rosenrosen? Mr. Met probably has gigantism and they’re pretending he’s a cute, baseball-headed mascot.
Roger Clemens – I hope I don’t have to put an asterisk on my 1997 fantasy baseball championship.