So Donnie Baseball finally read all those free pamphlets that Mensa has been sending him. I mean it was written on the urinal wall next to that for a good time call, insert Nick Capozzi’s home phone number, message on your favorite swill factory you frequent.. Kenley Jansen takes over for the refuse dump, minus glasses, known as Brandon League. Jansen is elite in K’s, potential and arrhythmia. Now, is he Donnie’s job saver? Maybe, but who knows. You know who has been about as sexy as a burka tan, Greg Holland. George Brett shows up and gives everyone some new/old fowl words and poof. I don’t really get how a magic jar of BBQ sauce is the cure all for baseball woes, is it like Hummus to Greeks or Flowers for Algernon? Maybe I am just in the dark on this whole phenomenon. So condiments aside, the top of the saves board is getting pretty crowded with stout guys who have no worry about showing up to work and finishing off the job. I have added Sergio Romo to the top tier because if you don’t like stats then you hate the fact that he has an obscene, K/BB rate and basically no one pushing him at the back end of the SF pen. It’s all about job security for me, sorry, I wish it were about looks or how good they looked in a speedo, but if you have the job and there isn’t another soul in sight, then why question it. Enjoy the week ahead.
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
7. Jonathan Papelbon – (-) (Antonio Bastardo, Mike Adams)
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
20. Bobby Parnell – (+2) (Brandon Lyon, LaTroy Hawkins)
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Carlos Marmol– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Castro in the head with a pick-off throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
27. Luke Gregerson – (-10) (Dale Thayer, Joe Thatcher)