Mike Carp is hitting .350 since July 1st. (Thereabouts, I did the math in my head. At least I think it was my head. Hmm…) Carp only has 4 homers, but now has two homers in the last 4 games. He’s also hit in 11 straight games. Finally… There’s no finally, isn’t the first three positives enough? Mama mia, I don’t love Mariner hitters in Safeco. It’s smothering! In the minor leagues, he was great but it was in the PCL so divide his power by three and add a negative two. But while Carp’s hitting, he’s worth an add across most leagues, and not just for pescetarians. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Salvador Perez – Royals catcher prospect was called up. He has the most surreal pitch signals. “Is that a melted clock — oh, a changeup!”
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 14th homer. Playing centerfield, but his season is totally out of left field.
Johnny Giavotella – 2-for-4, hitting .318 in his short time in the majors. Now we just need his cheering section to skip the wave and do the Fist Pump.
Arodys Vizcaino – On Tuesday, the lead was Hommy Tanson, yesterday it was Jason Heyward, so I just couldn’t highlight Vizcaino. I like sweet tea and talking garbled as much as the next guy, but Northerners would’ve started wondering where my allegiances lie. While Arodys looks like an IM acronym for Red Sox fans, “A-Rod, You Sahck,” he’s a big-time pitching prospect for the Braves. He breezed through the minor leagues pushing a K-rate over 9, and can be an Aroldis Chapman-type out of the bullpen, but he is crazy young. With Vizcaino, the Braves now have two minors on the pitching staff. In all non-keepers, I’d ignore Arodys for now. His innings are a bit high and the Braves will probably limit him this year. In dynasty and deep keeper leagues, grab him; he could be special.
Tommy Hanson – Tests show his shoulder is healthy enough for his next start. His last month of starts show the tests are wrong.
Dan Uggla – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs as he pushed his hitting streak to 31 games. Or the same number of double takes someone who just woke from a coma would have if they saw he was hitting .224 with a 31 game hitting streak.
Jason Heyward – 0-for-5 with the start as Jose Constanza went 3-for-4 with a steal. That’ll make things better.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer. A Curtis hasn’t hit such high notes since Booger Presley played the mean guitar.
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks. Solid start, but how do you not strike out anyone? That’s like a champale supernova.
J.J. Hardy – 4-for-5 with his 21st homer. Sweet King Martin, Sweet Queen Coretta, Sweet Brother Hardy… Sweet Baby Jesus…
Adam Jones – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer. Imma let you finish, but J.J. Hardy’s having the best Orioles season this year.
Adam Dunn – 0-for-4 with 3 Ks. His average is down to .163. He’s hitting half his weight!
Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. After his less than adequate first start for the Indians, he’s lucky he turned things around or he would’ve been Uscalpedo.
Jason Kipnis – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Here’s a good rule of thumb, if I mention a guy in a positive way more than twice in a week, add him. Kipnis has been mentioned about five times in the last week.
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in his last three games. Definitely earning his Twitter hashtags.
Josh Willingham – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer in 3 games. Ended up on the A’s just because Jonah Hill likes pork, but it’s turning out okay. While he’s hot, Willingham should be owned everywhere.
Jonathan Sanchez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Filthy Sanchez is looking a lot more like Port-A-Jon Sanchez.
Anibal Sanchez – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Should I Put A Diaper On My Fantasy Team Or Are You Done Defecating Sanchez?
Hanley Ramirez – Placed on the DL. I’m sure he’ll do everything in his power to hurry back. /sarcasm
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-1, 4 runs and the delicious slam & legs. Rudy hit me up on IM surprised to see The Dread Pirate only had 19 steals on the year. I hit him back that I was surprised A-Gon only had 18 homers. See, everything said in our IM chats isn’t really that interesting.
Jeff Karstens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. His last start (3 1/3 IP, 9 ER) left the cow pie on the window sill too long so the stench probably scared most off from this start.
Derrek Lee – Scratched with a sore hand. Well, stop scratching with it!
Vance Worley– 4 IP, 6 ER. A Worley hasn’t been hit so hard since his grandmother Jo Anne got smacked in the face by an errant window on the set of Laugh-In.
Brennan Boesch – Left yesterday’s game with a thumb injury. So where is thumbkin? At the hospital getting an MRI.
Alex Cobb – Having season-ending surgery to clear blockage by his rib cage. Operating on him is a specialist by the name of Eve.
Brandon Phillips – Will miss at least five days as he tweeted yesterday that his elbow looked like a balloon. Then some clown turned his elbow into a giraffe.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games. Prediction: His end of the year stats will look solid and everyone will forgot that he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn for two months.
Kevin Millwood – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Less than average starter who will pitch his home games in Coors. Burp.
Jesus Guzman – 2-for-4, 2 steals. So what’s your excuse for not picking him up? You a non-believer?
Chad Billingsley – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners and three unearned runs for the always agita inducing ticker shock.
Dee Gordon – To the DL with a bruised shoulder, which isn’t nearly as tasty as a braised shoulder.
Juan Rivera – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer on the Dodgers. That makes him Dos Rivera.
Matt Kemp – 4-for-5 and his 30th steal. He could be at 30/30 by the end of August. He makes me feel like the only girl (in the world). I’m pretty sure I grasp the use of parentheses as a way to modify, so what’s Only Girl (In the World) without the parentheses? Only Girl? “I wanna hear Only Girl!” No, that makes no sense. It should stand alone without the parentheses. You can Bang a Gong or you can Bang a Gong (Get It On). You’re forwarding your gong banging. You are upping your excitement on the gong. The Reaper is good, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper is adding something. “Hey, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper.” Now I’m at ease. Only Girl means nothing! You come for fantasy baseball advice, you stay for Rihanna rants.
