Carlos Beltran won’t play in day games following night games. He won’t play in too many games in a row. He won’t play in games where the other team’s starting pitcher’s last name ends in an N. Here’s me playing the world’s smallest violin for everyone at Metco. Since Beltran’s return, 1 homer and zero steals. So he’s not running and he’s hitting for an empty average with little power. There’s no crying in baseball and there’s no sentimentality in fantasy baseball. If you’re holding onto your 2nd round pick because you held him this long already, well, you’ve held him too long. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anibal Sanchez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. If Oliver Perez is the crazy girlfriend that you have hot passionate sex with but is afraid may stab you in the jugular in the middle of the night, then Anibal is her sister. (If you followed that, give yourself a gold star.)
Dan Uggla – Hit his 30th homer yesterday as the Marlins rubbed their hands together thinking about who they were going to get for Uggla this offseason.
Joe Blanton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. Threw a gem against the Marlins. I overthought this one and… sonavabench! Should’ve just started him. (BTW, is overthought one word or two? There I go again!)
Hiroki Kuroda – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. He was in the borderline starters post on Monday. He’s a decent start on Sunday too.
Rafael Furcal – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs. No one plays harder when you’re playing against a terrible team with a playoff spot sewn up. No one.
Zach Duke – So this borderline starter didn’t work out quite as well. You take Zach Duke to the cashier and she rings you up six innings and five earned runs. That’s the price of playing sucky guys, I guess.
Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate hit his 12th homer yesterday in 3/4 of a season. *sipping tea with my pinkie out, crossing legs* Do you dare draft The Dread Pirate and Robot Jones on the same fantasy team next year?
Edwin Encarnacion – 2 HRs, but whoa, turkey, guess what else? He batted third. Zoinks!
Brian McCann – Left the game with a bruised wrist, which is not nearly as delicious as a braised wrist.
Martin Prado – Now batting near .500 in the last week and the hits just keep coming as he went 2-for-4 yesterday.
Jorge de la Rosa – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER as dlR pitched his worst start since June. You’re killing me, Smalls!
Carlos Gonzalez – Pulled from the game with a tight hamstring. Car(No)Go, as it were.
Huston Street – Came on in the 7th. Yeah, he’s not the closer yet.
Franklin Morales – Got the save as he gave up three inherited runs and one of his own. So, yeah, Street may be the closer again soon.
Brad Hawpe – Hit a homer yesterday. If you would’ve told me he retired two months ago, I might’ve believed you.
Alex Rios – HR yesterday. If you bet that Rios and Hawpe would hit a homer on the same day, that’s like Powerball money you just won.
John Danks – 6 IP, 7 ER. Showing de la Rosa two can play the “I Hate My Fantasy Owners Game,” he had his worst start since May. After the game, Danks tweeted, “I pitched. #sucky”
Bobby Jenks – Probably done for the year with a calf injury (with his size you’d think they’d call it a cow). Linebrink would probably step in for any saves.
Adam Dunn – Hit his 38th homer yesterday. We have a week and a half for Dunn to hit two more homers or the world will explode.
Matt Cain – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Now really isn’t the time for that regression that every fantasy baseball ‘pert has been predicting since May.
Prince Fielder – Hit his 41st homer yesterday as he tied Pujols for the RBI lead with 129. Going into the final weekend, if Prince is still neck-and-neck with Pujols, Albert should buy seats for Cecil Fielder right behind the Brewers dugout. (For those in the back of the room, Cecil and Prince don’t get along.) Devious Grey out.