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Wristy Business

March 7, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft, Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 93 Comments

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The World Baseball Classic news hit the wire first, “Team USA will add another first baseman; Team Yankees will add another leading doctor in the world of performance-enhancing drugs.” Team USA added Eric Hosmer, Team Yankees added a guy with a peach fuzz mustache, a B.U.M. equipment sweatshirt and red, white and blue Zubaz who goes by the name, Rick, and graduated Magna Cum Laude from the University of Phoenix. Team USA said that whole thing about Votto being a Canadian was total BS, Rick said he trained with Lance Armstrong. Team USA no longer has Mark Teixeira, neither does Team Yankees. But Rick’s got a plan. It worked for Lance Armstrong and A-Rod. Drink carrot milkshakes and inject horse semen. “These are my stallions.” That’s Rick overlooking his kingdom (a musty cellar with bad lightning). John C. Reilly is in talks to play him. So, if Te(i)x being hurt is a surprise to you, I wouldn’t want to see you when a cat jumps out of a closet. He will miss eight to ten weeks after hearing a pop in his wrist. He might miss more time. Right now, Cashman isn’t optimistic. I changed my Te(i)x projections and rankings in the top 20 1st basemen; I don’t foresee me drafting him anywhere. They’re no longer the Yankees, they’re now the Jankees. At first base, they’re looking at the craptastic Dan Johnson/Juan Rivera blahtoon or the more likely scenario of Youuuuuuuuuk moving to first and Nunez (and his razztastic defense) over at third. Will suck for any Jankee LHPs to have Pasta Diving Jeter and Errordo Nunez. Today, Mets fans are smiling. If you can’t beat them, pray they join you! Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

2nd Basemen To Target, 2013 Fantasy Baseball

March 6, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft | 210 Comments

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Psst! This post is gonna list 2nd basemen that you should target in your 2013 fantasy baseball drafts. I’m whispering because you don’t want everyone to see this post. No, I can’t whisper louder. Then it WOULDN’T BE WHISPERING! Okay, gig’s up (or maybe that’s jig’s up), the love I’m about to reiterately (Made Up Word of the Day!) confirm are guys I love later in drafts. Am I drafting any of these guys in the first 10 rounds? Probably not (except for Josh Rutledge — hello, beautiful! Come here, let Grey massage your balls…The balls of your feet, silly!). These are players that you’re looking at later and all of them have ADPs after 150. Some could be the 2nd baseman on your team, they are more than likely MIs. MI, a name I give my middle infielder. This is a (legal-in-all-countries-except-Spanish-speaking-ones) supplement to the top 20 2nd basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball. Click on the player’s name where applicable to read more and see their 2013 projections. Anyway, here’s some 2nd basemen to target for 2013 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

The Razzball Podcast — The One Where We Bring Da Noise Back

March 5, 2013 | All Podcasts | 172 Comments

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You couldn’t bear to think of commuting to work with nothing but one of those other guy’s fantasy baseball podcasts, so you called out sick and went into the woods to hibernate. You huddled around your campfire all winter waiting for the Razzball podcast to return. At one point, all you had was the warmth from some embers and a bear carcass that you killed with your truck. You had gangrene in one hand and you hadn’t soaped yourself in five months. Did it all have to be so difficult? Can’t Razzball bring the fantasy baseball podcast back sooner just so you could come out of hibernation and have something to listen to on the way to work? Did you even have a job anymore? Calling out sick for five months because of a lack of commuting entertainment seemed like a barely passable excuse when you told the HR person. Was that the HR person or a janitor picking up the phone? Crap, this better be the best fantasy baseball podcast you’ve ever heard in your whole life. Or at least in the last five months. Well, the wait is over, prematurely balding man. The Razzball podcast has returned in all its podcasty goodness. We have a new producer, new guests, but the same old awkward pauses and elongated ummmmm’s. That’s not feedback in your headphones, that’s my high-pitched laugh! That’s not your 11th grade math teacher babbling on, that’s Rudy! That’s not Barry White, that’s the podcast host, Nick! That’s not Jaywrong, that’s… No, actually, I think it might be Jaywrong. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast, now in like 24 segments:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Closer Look

March 4, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft, Closers | 194 Comments

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Chris Perez has been shut down for 3-4 weeks. The Indians are saying it’s due to a shoulder strain. Seems pretty coincidental that Chris Perez rocks a mullet and there’s a guy with a “business on top, party in the back” haircut on The Amazing Race this season. I’m calling BS. “Yeah, what’s up?” Sorry, didn’t mean to actually call BS. “Cool, now you’re wasting my time. I’m gonna call myself on you!” So with Perez out, a giant gaping hole opens in Cleveland, and I don’t mean when Drew Carey is eating. Vinnie Pestano should take over the closer role in the mean’s while. Unfortunately (depending on how you’re looking at it), Perez went down so early that he could return as soon as the first or second week of the season. That means you need to draft Perez and Pestano. My advice is to wait two seconds after someone drafts Perez then take Pestano. This will be real cute in auctions. They’ll either have to spend $15-ish to have both Indian closers or they’ll be stuck without one. If I could only draft one, I’d take a late flyer on Pestano. As with most things SAGNOF-related, there’s no sure thing in the bullpens and the cheaper way to get saves is always the most preferable. Anyway, here’s all the closers for fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

If You Garza DL Slot, Be Ready To Hughes It

March 1, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft, Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 238 Comments

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I was jazzed to draft Phil Hughes this year like I was from New Orleans and I was smoking doobs with Kermit Ruffins. Then Hughes hurt his back and someone played the sad trombone. That’s yay upside down, which looks like a fire between two teepees. Hughes is now out with a bulging disk in his back. Hey, Hughes, is that a banana in your spine or you happy to see me? I’m not a doctor (no kidding!), but none of this sounds good for Hughes. I’m lowering my projections on him and dropping him out of my favorable tier. It’s early, and there’s still a lot of time, but I’d be lying if I said I was still drafting him with confidence. I’ll draft some players that are mildly injured, but the injury needs to sound a lot better than “may not be ready for the start of the season.” Then there’s Matt Garza, who will be starting the year on the DL. This news comes just days after we freakin’ drafted him. I will now call him Matt Grrza. Whenever I say his name, I will say it like I’m a frustrated Lisa Simpson. Well, if you wanna ride the Garza Strip, be prepared for some bombshells. I’ve updated the top 40 and top 60 starters to reflect Hughes and Grrza’s inability to keep me happy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Spring Training Stats, What Do They Mean For Fantasy

February 28, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft, Fantasy Baseball Draft Strategy | 177 Comments

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A baseball historian named Philbus Elbert once said, “The only thing better than baseball in the spring is baseball in the fall.” Philbus was also a diabetic, had a severe drinking problem and died of gonorrhea that he contracted from a horse. Baseball, like a flower, blooms in the spring. They also share equally effusive PR people. Just the other day I read about how a petunia’s branches had gained 15 pounds and were in the best shape of its life. Sure, it’s always good to look at spring training numbers to give you an idea what you can expect from guys during the season — can I draft Jedd Gyorko yet?! Players in spring training are facing the top pitchers who are all displaying their best stuff. No one needs time to get warmed up. No one’s trying new pitches or getting a feel for the ball. They are at the height of their game in March. In fact, I think someone should propose to Bud that the World Series could easily be played in March. Yes, The March Classic. I like how that sounds. Since these spring training numbers mean so much, I decided to look at some players’ stats so far:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Jered Weaver, 2013 Fantasy Schmohawk

February 27, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft, Fantasy Baseball Overrated | 200 Comments

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There is a stupid premium on Jered Weaver. Stupid as in dumb. Not stupid as in, “Yo, Grey your feathered hair is stupid fresh! Farrah Fawcett is prolly jealous in heaven. Flap your wings, Greyseph Hawkins, you are my angel on earth. I love you.” In the top 20 starters for 2013 fantasy baseball, I went over some of this so if you’ve been there, read that, skip ahead until the sentence starting, “Your claim to fame…” Last year, Weaver’s K-rate bottomed out to its lowest since his rookie year with a 6.77 K/9. That ranks 58th for starters. He’s between Masterson, Kuroda, Ervin Santana, Paul Maholm. That’s eeny meeny miny no. To go further with one of the guys there, Kuroda’s K-rate was 6.84, his walk rate was 2.09 and his xFIP was 3.67. Weaver’s walk rate and xFIP were 2.15 and 4.18. Oh, and Kuroda’s fastball velocity sits around 92. Weaver’s is at 88. If you were just looking at those numbers with no names attached, you’d concur Kuroda is headed for a better season in 2013 than Weaver. You, sir, are a darn fine concurrer. Speaking of Weaver’s fastball, he had the 8th worst velocity in the majors. Your grandmother could throw faster. Granted, your grandmother was a receptionist at the Miami-based Biogenesis of America clinic, but still. For xFIP, Weaver was the 27th worst in the majors between Volquez, Arroyo, Buehrle and Nolasco. Those guys couldn’t get into the Who’s Who Among American Baseball Players with $39.95 and a B+ GPA. So why is Jered Weaver overrated for 2013 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Head-To-Head Fantasy Baseball Draft Strategy, Not Head-To-Head Siamese Twins Dance Strategy

February 26, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Draft Strategy | 227 Comments

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Though, I would like to read a post about Siamese Twins Dance Strategy. “Xiu, could you stop salsa’ing when I’m friggin’ tango’ing! My effin’ coconut is about to rupture!” Oh, and you’re welcome, Siamese twins who Googled “Siamese Twins Dance Strategy.” We don’t judge here at Razzball, but, out of curiosity, do you guys share a urinal? Use two at a time? Wait, pee, wait? I will tap my orange Crocs impatiently as I wait for your answer. Head-to-Head, or H2H, doesn’t change a lot to our 2013 fantasy baseball rankings. There are 300 billion suns in the Milky Way galaxy. There are 100s of billions of galaxies in the universe. There are at least 256,000 planets exactly like Earth. Yet, there’s only one Miggy Cabrera. (Though Ciggy Mabrera on Planet Yurick is pretty good too. Not a first rounder though.) H2H doesn’t change that. The strategy for playing in the middle of the season in H2H leagues changes. You aren’t hoping Billy Butler hits 30 homers by October, but whether or not he’ll hit a homer on Sunday or if you should sit him to try and win steals. It’s all about the match-ups, y’all! So you want to build a team that can match up well with any other team. (FYI, I’ve gone over this stuff before, but some of you might need a pine tree refresher hung from your rear view.) Anyway, let’s look at some H2H fantasy baseball draft strategy:

PSYCHE! Before we get into the post, just wanted to quickly announce that we’re mind-melding (just consolidating) our Facebook pages. So if you want to Like us on Facebook, you go there. All the sports are gonna be one for all and all for one like the Brand Nubians. Unus pro Razzballus, omnes pro uno, for our Latin American readers. Anyway II, here’s the H2H draft strategy:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

2013 Fantasy Baseball Yahoo Ranklings

February 25, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft | 226 Comments

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The other day I went over my 2013 ESPN ranklings. There, I was all fire, brimstone and gangsta rap. Saying eff this, and eff that. I was pissed off like I was Tim Dog right after landing at LAX. I was spitting bullets, y’all needed to wear a vest. Now, I’m looking at Yahoo’s 2013 fantasy baseball rankings and Tim Dog didn’t get enough penicillin on wax and now he’s RIP. BTW, If you were a rapper in the 80’s or early 90’s or a professional wrestler, watch over your shoulder, son, the reaper is comin’ for you. “Multivitamins are better than any alcohol or aphrodisiac…” That’s Tone Loc working on a new song. More people use Yahoo than any other fantasy baseball game provider thing-a-ma-boobie, so more schmohawks are reading their rankings than any other rankings, yet I never take their rankings serious. Quick analogy that may or may not make sense: There’s years of looking up to your father, whether you agree all the time or not. Then, one day, he takes a poop on your couch. He should take him to the hospital; he’s in need of some sort of psychology examination. If the tests come back conclusive that he pooped the couch simply out of laziness, then that’s ESPN. Okay, now, Yahoo is your 8-year-old cousin pooping your couch. You’re annoyed, but you’re not sending the kid for psychology examinations. In other words, I always feel like ESPN should know better, but Yahoo, well, they have The Noise ranking Curtis Granderson 14th overall. Even Jose Canseco knows Granderson may have hit 60 homers in 30,000 BC due to a lack of gravity, but he still would need a ton of luck to hit .240. My apologies to Saltines, but Grandy at 14th overall is crackers (even before the injury).

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

ESPN’s 2013 Fantasy Baseball Ranklings

February 22, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft | 327 Comments

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Writing these posts where I look at the differences between my 2013 fantasy baseball rankings and ESPN’s fantasy baseball rankings gives me severe agita, but I want to be calm. I don’t want an ulcer. So, for this post, I put on the Dixie Chicks’s cover of Landslide… Children get older, I’m getting older too… Unfortunately, I hunt and peck on my keyboard and it took me that entire song to type up the first sentence of this paragraph and iTunes shuffled to N.W.A. Right about now, N.W.A. court is in full effect.

“Judge Grey presiding in the case of Razzball vs. ESPN.”

“Prosecuting attorneys are MC Grey, Ice Grey and Eazy-mother*******-Grey!”

“Order, order, order… Ice Grey, take the mother******** stand. Do you swear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help your stupid ass?”

“You goddamn right!”

“Well, won’t you tell everybody what the eff you gotta say?”

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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