Brilliant Agent Gets Dodgers To Spend Up On Nippon Star Outfielder, Kyoto Tucker

The rankings start on Monday! [rings a giant bell like it’s an 18th century Christmas tale] “The rankings start on Monday,” he screams bloody murder at a wretched soul. Okay, enough screaming and let’s get back to business. Wait, one more scream: The Dodgers spent more money while 29 other teams do nothing! Marlins will enter the season with around a $60 million payroll, Dodgers’ 6-hole hitter Kyle Tucker with be making $60 million dollars. Good stuff! What happened with Steve Cohen spending so much money he was going to change the game? Was he just a psyop by Rob Manfred to get the Dodgers to spend more money? The Dodgers’ lineup is so goofy now. I was kidding with the six-hole thing for Kyle Tucker, but it’s not too far off. Andy Pages would be most teams three-hole hitter; he might platoon out of the nine hole. Hyeseong Kim could be a leadoff hitter in some lineups. For the Dodgers, he might start the year in the minors.

So, Kyle Tucker went 21/25/.266 last year in 500 ABs, and remained committed to “acquiring a random injury and keeping it hidden from the general public,” pulling that off now in back-to-back seasons. Elias Sports Bureau said the last person to pull this off was Scuds “Yellow Fever” McFeely in 1906 for the New York Highlanders. Who managed to get gout, then Yellow Fever the following year because of the leeches doctors used to cure the gout. Scuds managed to keep both a secret, even though he would routinely plotz in the middle of games. Tucker never plotzed, but he did putz around for months at a time on 75% of his ability, which was nearly as bad for everyone involved. I’ll admit to being bullish on Tucker this year, even though there is a good chance he will get a paper cut in April, leave it unattended and it will end up needing to be amputated because of his inattention. This feels all anecdotal though, and, at 29 years of age to start the season, he does not need to be washed, and those were incredibly fluky injuries. Honestly, I think he’ll likely be a steal if early ADP holds. He’s a 30/30/.270 hitter without the anecdotes, and hopefully he can avoid the Scuds comps. 2026 Projections: 86/29/91/.271/23 in 511 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2026 fantasy baseball:

Psyche! All of my 2026 fantasy baseball rankings are on the Patreon. Don’t wait for the rankings to come out over the course of the next month. Anyway II, the roundup:

Ranger Suarez – Signed with the Red Sox. Wow, the Red Sox signed someone. I cannot believe it. They actually did it, those ol’ son-of-a-guns. Amazing, the veeeeeeeeery small market, Boston Red Sox, signed a free agent. Sure, they’ll get to July and trade him to any team that will take on the contract, but they did it. Those ol’ who’s-he-whosies! Ranger Suarez is results over stuff. Those results? They play. He has a 3.38 ERA in 762 IP. They’ll even play in Fenway because he’ll have a near-50% ground ball rate. Ranger Suarez is one of those non-flashy fantasy draft picks that people in your league roll their eyes at that always helps out the person who drafted him. He won’t win you your league but he will grit out a top 30 starter year every year while costing around a top 50 starter pick. Now for the voice-to-text bots in Boston to figure out who the hell Ranjaswaez is. 2026 Projections: 12-7/3.59/1.21/150 in 155 IP.

Josh Lowe – Traded to the Angels. Here’s what the Angels saw: “Everyone can hit homers in Big Stein” is swished around in Josh Lowe’s mouth than spat out and he shakes his head, “I don’t like that one.” He hit 11 HRs last year, had a 9+ Launch Angle and hit 46.2% ground balls, which seemed like a high LA for that many ground balls, but it was on par with Gunnar, Tatis and Brenton Doyle, to name a few (there were a lot, it wasn’t that obscure of a combination). Lowe’s (carries great patio furniture!) also had better fly ball rates in past years and likely is closer to a 20/25 player, but he has some serious warts. Hit .220 with a 25.1 K% and it wasn’t just bad luck. Also, he can’t seem to stay on the field, and never faces lefties. He could absolutely bounce back, but it’s a lottery ticket, which is basically the whole Angels team, and no one could actually tell you what you’re gonna get from Lowe. 2026 Projections: 57/14/52/.241/19 in 408 ABs

Gavin Lux – Traded to the Rays. Wow, Gavin Lux about to become a world class middle reliever. Gavin Lux went 5/1/.269 in 140 games last year in a hitters’ park. Can a guy hit negative homers in 150 games played? The A&E Biography on Juan Pierre would tell you no, but Gavin Lux could approach those negative numbers. 2026 Projections: 68/5/52/.264/3 in 437 ABs

Brock Burke – Traded to the Reds, which is whatever for our purposes, but Gavin’s exit means Sal Stewart is back in the Reds’ Opening Day picture.

Ryan Weathers – Traded to the Yankees for four prospects, Dillon Lewis, OF Brendan Jones, IF Dillon Jason and IF Juan Matheus, and maybe you, if you were in the Yankees’ system. So, prior to this trade, Weathers was being drafted on average at 455. Does he move up after this? Okay, why? Does he move up a little because of better chance for wins? Meh, okay, but isn’t the park switch much worse? On average, Weathers was being drafted after Ronny Henriquez, who is out for the year. Granted, some of that is prior to the injury news on Ronny. If you sort ADP by the last two weeks, Kyle Finnegan was going in front of Weathers. You know Finnegan, the guy behind Kenley Jansen in the closer pecking order in Detroit. In the last two weeks, Weathers was being drafted at 396 overall. I keep talking about his ADP, because I do think now the hype will be sick. When Rodon and Cole return, where does Weathers go? Pen? Is he already injured because he never stays healthy? Prolly a little bit of both. Saw someone projected Weathers for 133 IP and I have to say, they shouldn’t let the players project their own innings. Weathers has 125 IP across the last two years. He does have great stuff, but can he stay on the field? I wanna say no, but I don’t know, maybe he does for the first time ever. Stranger things have happened. Like Stranger Things finally ending after 10 years. That’s a stranger thing. 2026 Projections: 9-4/3.87/1.23/87 in 94 IP

Nolan Arenado – Traded to the Diamondbacks for $31 million. I mean! They traded him for some random 8th round pick. A RHP, I think. But really they traded him for $31 million. If you’re in line to pay money to get Nolan Arenado off your team, stay in line. So, DBags’ owner Ken Kendrick did this deal so he could buy another Honus Wagner card, right? I mean, nothing else makes sense. By the way, Ken Kendrick is in a heated rap battle with Dra Drake. You know who this hurts the most? You guessed it! Jordan Lawlar! The Dbags’ least favorite prospect ever. Well, after Max Scherzer, who they traded almost immediately when he started to look good. Hey, they did give Lawlar a total of 97 MLB at-bats across three seasons, while playing behind other guys. What do you want? Them to give him a real chance? I’m pfft’ing in your general direction. As for Arenado, you want Chinese food? Awesome, I have this restaurant’s menu by this open window. [walks over and picks up menu] Oh, weird, the menu says the restaurant has been defunct since 2019– [falls out window] Torenado save me! AHHH!!! [But since there’s no Torenado to pick up a falling body, I fall into a dumpster below my window and the lid shuts] Hey, can someone get me out of this dumpster? Anyone? 2026 Projections: 53/17/62/.231/3 in 443 ABs

Nolan Gorman – Was helped by the departure of Nolan Arenado. Last year, Gorman went 14/1/.205 in 351 ABs. His additional at-bats can be summed up by the idiom: Our loss is his gain. 2026 Projections: 54/19/64/.202/3 in 446 ABs

Willi Castro – Signed with the Rockies. Zac Veen and Jordan Lawlar should start their own team. Call themselves the Prospblocked, play in Hoboken in the shadow of NYC, and have their mascot be a sun that is in the middle of an eclipse. 2026 Projections: 63/13/48/.253/17 in 476 ABs