Fantasy Baseball Advice

Phil Hughes was named the Yankees’ fifth starter.  The good news, he’s a solid fantasy 4th starter with 3rd starter appeal.  He can put up over an 8 K/9 with a near-4 ERA.  Rudy’s Hughes’s (say that fast seventeen times) starter projections have him at 10-5/4.18/1.32/130 in 140 innings, which brings us to the bad news.  There’s no way the Yankees throw him for more than 140 innings.  That could mean instituting a new “Hughes Rules” doctrine, where he’ll be skipped on occasion, won’t throw more than five innings, won’t start after August, can’t eat after midnight, etc.  Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball news:

Aroldis Chapman – Dusty will be deciding between Aroldis, Travis Wood and Mike Leake for the fifth starter job.  Honestly, if you would’ve said, name the one that is not a professional baseball player out of these three:  Travis Wood, Mike Leake or Jimmy Fakename.  I would’ve had no idea.  Would love to get a glimpse of Dusty Baker’s decision making process for picking a fifth starter.  I know there’s equal parts eeny and meeny.  There might also be a dunk tank.   I’ve compared Aroldis to a young Randy Johnson.  Wanna see where?  Here, “His stuff is wicked awesome and his control is wicked awful.  But he wouldn’t be the first guy to struggle there.  Hello, Randy Johnson.  That’s a tall order, literally.  But he’s someone I’m excited about in keepers and deep leagues.  He should be owned in keepers from the jump.  In one year leagues, I’d take a flier on him in the final rounds to see if he breaks camp.  If he doesn’t, then you drop him. No harm, no foul.  If he does break camp, then you’re looking at a Volquez-type season.  Not great WHIP, decent ERA and great Ks.  Think 3.75/1.37 and a strikeout/inning.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Should you own Aroldis if you’re drafting this weekend, even with his starting job up in the air?  Yes, you should.

Cristian Guzman – Now the Nats are giving Guzman two straight starts to see if he can be the starter over Desmond.  Hopefully by Sunday we have some good news about Desmond.  Otherwise, I’m going to have a lot of hearts to cross out on my Trapper Keeper.

Brett Myers – Left the game after tweaking his left groin (hehe, Myers has two groins).  He plans to make his next scheduled start.  I’m avoiding Myers in all of my leagues coming out of drafts, but I could see grabbing him during the season.  The NL Central should have some nice match-ups for him and he’s always been capable of punching out guys (and girls).  A near-4 ERA and a 7 K/9 wouldn’t surprise me.  Will he be more valuable than Tim Hudson?  I could see it.

Ted Lilly – Rather than the late-April ETA, now looks like he could be back as early as mid-April.  Might only miss three starts.  Still, he’s coming back from shoulder surgery and has already complained of knee pain this spring.  I’m having a hard time buying.

Derrek Lee – He should return Friday, but he hurt his back yesterday after falling out of a chair.  The equipment man obviously forgot to get rid of the breakaway stunt furniture they had for Milton Bradley.

Scott Kazmir – Scratched with shoulder tightness.  Kazmir with arm troubles?  C’mon!  No way!

Emmanuel Burriss – Out for 10 weeks after having a screw inserted into his foot.  That never slowed down Number 5.

Russell Martin – Says he’ll be ready for the start of the season since his groin is feeling better (Thanks, Alyssa Milano!).  I’d never own Martin, but I think everyone who drafted him in the last week or so probably got a great bargain.  Martin’s still nothing but Crapolanco at catcher, but in the final rounds that’s nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to that sorta of thing.

Brad Lidge – Will be out at least a week of the season.  Madson should fill in for him.  Both should be owned in all but the shallowest of leagues.  In deeper leagues, I’d own Danys Baez too.  He could see some saves.

Brandon Morrow – Set to throw off the mound today.  Could be the final determination on whether he starts the year on the DL.  It sure wouldn’t be the first time.  He’s worth a stash on the DL but expecting more than 100 innings out of him is Fool’s Gold (which is not the Matthew I’m-Kinda-Gay movie).

Vicente Padilla – Before Padilla heard he was going to be the Dodgers’ Opening Day starter, this was him.  This is him after.

On Sunday, Akinori Iwamura was carted off the field. (No, it wasn’t some sorta Japanese custom when a player makes an out.)  So Reid Brignac may get some short-term value if the Rays play him.  Right now, they don’t seem committed to that plan.  And, frankly, I can see why.  He hasn’t exactly been tearing it up in Triple A.  The Rays should go to Ben Zobrist aka The Best Home Run Hitter In The World With The Last Name Zobrist.  With shortstop eligibility and potentially 2nd base, Zobrist will have value getting everyday at-bats.  Much has been made of Zobrist’s out-of-the-blue power surge.  The only explanation that seems to be out there is that he worked in the offseason with Jaime Cevallos, The Swing Mechanic.  (Turns out he helped Little Jake Current too!)  Honestly, I don’t think it matters much for Ben Zobrist since he already has shortstop eligibility.  It’s worth a flier to see if the power continues.  Just don’t cut anyone too worthwhile for that flier, including Little Jake Current — he’s got power to all fields!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Troy Percival – Hit the DL and made J.P. Izzywheelfourson the closer.  I grabbed Nelson and Wheeler anywhere I could.  This could easily become Isringhausen’s… Or Balfour’s… Or Howell’s.  Unlike the Nats ‘pen, the guy who wins the Rays raffle will have value so it’s worth grabbing one and praying it ends up being your guy.  The Rays used Izzy last on Saturday like he was a closer, though it was a non-save situation.  If you don’t have room in 12 team leagues and shallower, I’d cut Percy.  The next game he may be closing is the Hall of Famers vs. Non-Hall of Famers Game, which would take place during the All-Star Game festivites, if I had my way.  Like you wouldn’t pay to see Lee Smith try to prove his case against Gary Carter.  Would have to be better than watching Kenny Mayne throw like a girl.  (I’m still holding out hope for the Fattest Guy With No Power Home Run Derby too.  C’mon, Sandoval vs. Billy Butler!  Or everyone’s (soon-to-be) favorite contest, Worst Strikeout Pitcher Faces Off Against Chris Davis!  C’mon, Joel Pineiro!)

Jesus Guzman – Word out of the Tenderloin is Ishikawa isn’t long for the every day job.  Makes sensei.  He is Sucki-san.  If Guzman somehow pulls himself into an every day job, could be huge in ESPN leagues where he’s inexplicably a shortstop.  Though Guzman did not play on Sunday.  *shakes fist* Bochy!

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 3 HRs in the last seven games.  I know, Padres hitters are yawnstipating, but the Kouz is hot.

Dexter Fowler – 7-for-15 in his 4 games and batting leadoff.  Has been as good recently as Ian Stewart’s been bad.

Brad Lidge – Hey, whaddya know?  Another blown save!  He has a 9.19 ERA on the year.  Philly says there will be no closer change.  I say yet.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 7 Ks, 2 ER, which should’ve been one because of a misplay in the outfield.  This was a heartbreaking no decision (for me).

Matt Lindstrom – He embarrassed himself and his family on Saturday then came in on Sunday and retired two guys and walked three before being relieved by Kiko Calero.  Kiko’s pitching the best in the Marlins bullpen, but Nunez hasn’t been awful… Okay, he’s been just all right.  I think Nunez gets the first chance when Lindstrom’s replaced, but it might be Calero.  If you’re a save vulture, you should be grabbing one of them now, because Lindstrom doesn’t seem long for the closer role.

Kelly Johnson – HRs in back-to-back games.  He’s sitting at .252 on the year, he can get up to .280 within a few weeks.

Joe Mauer – Another game, another homer.  I heard Selena Roberts was seen digging through his trash.

Manny Delcarmen – Been lights out so far in middle relief.  Rumors are swirling that he might be headed to the Nats to be their closer with Nick Johnson headed to the Sawx, pushing Big Crapi to the bench.  I don’t think the Sawx have the cojones to bench Papi, they’d have to convince him to go to the Disgraceful List.  In deep leagues, Delcarmen should be owned, though some Mr. B’s probably already have him.

Daniel Murphy, Angel Pagan, Gary Sheffield, Jeremy Reed, Ramon Castro, Ramon Martinez – Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 New York Mets!

Adam Jones – Hit his 10th homer yesterday while stealing his 4th bag.  Should cruise to 25/15, then Jamaica.

Alexei Ramirez – 2 HRs this weekend.  Mazel tov!

Mark Buehrle – Only Mark Buehrle could give up only one run after surrendering 12 hits while striking out only 3.  Cust kayin’.

Joel Hanrahan – Picked up the save with a perfect inning.  Apparently, he’s the closer again.

Adam Dunn – 2 HRs, 6 RBIs.  That’s not a donkey, this is a donkey.

Emmanuel Burriss – The Giants also announced they would be putting Frandsen into a platoon with Burriss.  Burriss has speed; Frandsen offers nothing.

Pablo Sandoval – Sat out yesterday with elbow trouble and will go for tests on Monday.   I hope they test his cholesterol.

Chris Iannetta – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain.   Jessica Alba and Joe Torre hybrid, Yorvit Torrealba, will have some short-term value in deep leagues.  For catchers that could be available in some leagues, I’d go Snyder, Salty, Torrealba or Diaz, in that order.

Miguel Tejada – 4-for-4 yesterday, 3 HRs in the last 6 games.  Someone’s in the Way Back Machine.

Josh Outman – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, Zero Ks.  When you don’t strikeout one Diamondback, I’m not buying.

Jason Giambi – Second straight game with a homer.  For those in shallow leagues, he hits them in bunches.  Some would say in “cycles.”

Barry Zito – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Glad the old baked Zito showed up just as I added him.

Fred Lewis – Two games, two home runs.  I wish he’d just get to 15/15 in a month then I could drop him, but that’s not how these things work.  Except for Mark Reynolds.

Derrek Lee – Missed Sunday’s game with an undisclosed illness.  I thought it was called Suckitis.

Francisco Rodriguez – Might be the first time I’ve mentioned him in roundup.  (I tend not to mention guys that are doing what they’re supposed to be.)  K-Rod is suffering from back spasms, so the Mets are inserting Putz into their opening.  K-Rod said he’s feeling much better after being medicated.  In other news, K-Rod’s addicted to painkillers.  Sounds like he’ll be back by the end of the week at the latest.

Brandon Phillips – Hairline fracture on thumbkin.  Phillips said, “I told (the Reds) I don’t want to go on the DL.”  Um, okay.  And then you sit out yesterday’s game?  This sounds worse than the Reds are letting on.

Joey Votto – Ear infection had him benched on Sunday after hitting 2 homers on Saturday.  I totally feel for Votto.  Last time I had an ear infection, I rolled around for days crying.  Then again, I was 6 months old.

Brandon McCarthy – 9 IP, 0 ER and 6 Ks.  Solid game, but he’s way too unpredictable to pick up in mixed leagues.   As for this game, maybe McCarthy thought he was facing the Reds.

Ohmigod, Grey’s totally going against Rudy’s risky pitcher post?  They are so fighting.  I hope Rudy rips off Grey’s stache.  $5 says it’s not real. Uh-hum.  I can hear you, random italicized voice.  I’m actually typing you!  My bad. So, yes, Jon Lester is a risky pitcher.  But at this point, he’s also a buy.  His ERA’s 6.31.  That’s ridunkiculous from where it should be.  He’s pitching well (minus some ill-timed long balls), tremendous K-rate, solid walk rate.  A pitcher who is pitching well and has a 6.31 ERA is such a crazy buy, that I wouldn’t be surprised if his owners weren’t even selling.  But, on the other hand, they’re smarting from his earned runs.  They may see LaTroy Hawkins or Jason Bartlett and be like, “Hey, Lester’s killing me, why not take a guy that at least has been good?”  That’s why you prey on those suckas.  This is why you have brass balls and you just chucked one at your mean lady neighbor who keeps bugging you when you turn the Dropkick Murphys to eleven and put it on repeat.  I’m a sailor peg!!!  And I lost my leg!!!  I love that song.  Wait, what was I saying?  Oh, yeah.  Lester — get him, within reason.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy and Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Justin Duchscherer – If he’s on waivers and you can stash him on your DL, stash away.

Koji Uehara – I mentioned his delicious tacos and WHIP the other day then afterwards I think I heard a pin drop.  What, no love for Koji?  1.12 WHIP and 32/7 K/BB in 42 and two-thirds innings.  Get on the taco truck!

Nolan Reimold – “Weiters, you gotta see the meals they give you!  And the towels… They’re not hard from dried glue!  Oh, and I saw the guy that played Bunk in the stands.  Markakis is gonna take me to Dick’s Last Resort tonight.   Oh, it’s all so wonderful.  I’ll try to write again soon.”  Reimold has about 20 homers and a .280 if he were to play every day for the rest of the year.  I think he falls about 8 homers short of those projections.  If he gets hot, you might be able to flip him.

Chris Coghlan – Has the best opportunity to impress because the Marlins will give anyone a fair shot.  Shoot, they’re still waiting on Hermida!  Coghlan can give you middle infielder numbers at 3rd.  15/15 might be his ceiling for this year.

Gerardo Parra – Rookie Nookie is alive and well.  Hinch says Parra will see time.  Might be because he wants to put his stamp on the team.  Who’s Hinch?  Not important.  Parra can run.

Mat Gamel – The end all be all.  The big mah-hoff.  The head cheese.  The one guy I would’ve benched for a month in a keeper league.  But he has no playing time.  It may be too early for him.  But in deep leagues if you’re sitting on a random schmohawk middle reliever, and Gamel’s available, it’s worth the two week gamble to sit him on your bench and see what he does.  Don’t drop the Queen for the Rook, but you can drop a Pawn.

Ricky Nolasco – Another risky pitcher.  He’s either hurt or he’ll be much better.  Again, I’m not saying drop Cueto to grab him.  But Nolasco’s owners are definitely fed up with him, so it would pay to buy him very cheaply now and hope for a correction.

Rich Hill – Could be on his way back.  Honestly, I’m not picking him up in any league.  I’d pick up three Randy Wolfs and five Gaudins (Hey, I’m an art collector!) before I picked up one Rich Hill.  He’ll have tough match-ups, his meltdowns are legendary, I’m just not that brave.  I can understand it in deep leagues, just won’t be me.

Ian Stewart – With Alex Gordon on the DL, someone’s gotta be my crush.

Jerry Hairston Jr. – He’s hot right now.  Not sure if it’ll last, but it doesn’t hurt to take a two week flier on a middle infielder.

Emmanuel Burriss – George Papadapolis owns him.  Why won’t you?

Ryan Madson – Lidge has been a mess.  Something’s up.  Ain’t his value.

Juan Cruz – Shouldn’t be on waivers in any league that counts saves.  Soria has shoulder trouble.  ‘Nuff said.  Or enough, if you’re a completist.

David Aardsma – Will be getting saves by next Monday.  May get them for the next month.

SELL

Joakim Soria – Don’t trade him (or drop him) right now.  But at the first sign of good news or when he returns, I’d explore trade offers for him.  When a team checks to see if there’s structural damage on your closer’s shoulder, it’s not good news no matter the results.

Any Schmohawk The Nats Put In the 9th Inning Role – I’m one of the biggest save vultures you’ll ever meet.  I own Dan Wheeler for crimey sakes!  Still, I’m not going near this one.  Kip smells, Hanaratty, Bye-mel… None of them.

Brian Roberts – He has 5 steals and 3 times caught.  He’s 31 years-old.  Maybe he lost that extra step that makes all the difference.  If you’re banking on 40 steals, you might want to look at trading Roberts and picking up Burriss.

Jason Bartlett – Let’s see, he’s batting .369.  He’s a .285 hitter.  He has 5 homers, that’s tied for his career high.  He has 9 steals.  Maybe he gets to 30.  So you’re looking at a guy who’s bumping his head on his ceiling and you wanna get on his back? Not unless you wanna fall for the old banana in the tailpipe.

Royals prospect Luke Hochevar was called up yesterday to replace Sidney Ponson in the rotation.  But he’s Aruba’s favorite son!  You know who I feel bad for?  The Royals caterer.  With Ponson out of the rotation, who’s going to eat that side of cow he ordered?  Hochevar has been lights out so far in the minors with a .90 ERA, .95 WHIP and 5-0.  His 30 Ks in 40 innings is solid, not quite crazysexycool.   He doesn’t seem like the kind of pitcher that is going to dominate like, say, a Volquez last year.  Fortunately, he’s cut his walks this year.  As I said with Cecil two weeks ago, you pickup Hochevar to see if dominates.  Cause if he does dominate, people will start going gaga goo-goo for him and then you can flip him.  Or you take the rookie pitcher’s thunder, slide it next to your lightning and make it rain.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joakim Soria – Went to the DL.  Juan Cruz will fill-in mostly, with Jamey Wright maybe seeing the occasional chance.  You’re thinking, I’m not bothering with Cruz, Soria will come back and be fine.  Who cares if he comes back and he’s fine?  Cruz may take the job and hold it for the next two months while accumulating 15 saves.  Or maybe Soria returns fine in a week.  All I know is Soria has said his sore shoulder dates back to WBC (Nice, Selig!) so maybe he doesn’t recover that quickly.  Add Cruz, ask questions later.

Hank Blalock – 2 HRs, 9 on the year and zero DL stints.  Somewhere Nomar shakes his head, disappointed.  Maybe Blalock’s staying healthy because it’s his walk year and he wants to, um, walk.

Jorge De La Rosa – Over the weekend, he threw a spectacular game where he K’d 12 ‘lins.  More importantly, he only walked one.  Walks have always been his issue, but it’s looked like he’s harnessed his control.  I’d throw him in his next start against the Pirates.  Keep in mind, he’s capable of giving you a devastatingly awful start.  High risk/high reward — no pain/no gain and all that shizz.

Troy Tulowitzki – Hit his 2nd homer yesterday in the last three games.  Though he was pulled from game in the ninth with a tweaked quadriceps.  Seemed to be a day-to-day thingawitzki.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper left Sunday’s game with elbow soreness.

Rick Porcello – 5 IP, 1 ER.  Was a good matchup for him and he’s a good matchup starter.

Juan Pierre – 6 hits in two games.  Led off yesterday and he stole his third base.  This is what it looks like when Pierre’s flexing.

Orlando Hudson – Hit third yesterday.  Zoinks!

Emmanuel Burriss – Member how hot Bonifacio was the first week?  That’s what Webster’s doing right now.

Kenshin Kawakami – 6 IP, 2 ER.  Myers and him battled in a 1-1 game that looked like it should’ve been a 10-10 game.

Mike Gonzalez – Pitched a scoreless 8th inning because there was three lefties up in the 8th.  Soriano will continue to get the occasional save.

Dustin Pedroia – Tweaked his groin.  Michael Jackson was wildly successful in the 80s doing that.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 10th home run yesterday.  He’s on his way to 30+ homers, 10+ steals and a .270 average.  Bruuuuuce!

Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 4 ER. Obviously not a stellar start, but the encouraging sign is there was only one walk.  Then again, it was the Reds, not exactly the most patient team.  Wainwright is turning into more of a split between a number two/three fantasy starter, rather than a number one/two.

Ryan Franklin – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Phew, Gagne’s record is safe. Consecutive save record, not the record for the biggest difference between one’s pre- and post-steroid performance.  B. Giles is still going after that record.

Kip Wells – Recorded his first save over the weekend.  I’d place the over/under at 7 and take the under.

Casey Kotchman – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs.  In Friday’s roundup, I thought Kotchman was breaking out.   He now has 2 homers this past week and has tied for the NL lead for doubles.

Bret Cecil – 8 IP, 0 ER.  With Romero set the return, Cecil probably just bought himself a little more time in the rotation.  He gets both colors of the Sox in his next two starts.  If you could flip Cecil for a junky closer right now, I would.  Otherwise, ride the lightning, Lars.

Brad Ziegler – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam, but I don’t even think he’s the closer anymore.  The A’s want Ziegler as a long man in the bullpen and one and two-thirds innings would indicate what the A’s want, they get.

Alexei Ramirez – 0-for-7 since Ozzie put the Nix gun to his head.  [sarcastic] Way to step up! [/sarcastic]

Adam LaRoche – 4-for-May with zero RBIs.  Looks like he’s decided to go cold in the 1st half after all.  Now is that any way to set an example for your little brother.

Brandon Morrow – Returned for the save and to give up a run in a shaky inning.  I’d hold Aardsma for now if you have room.

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 4 ER.  Winning the game, but giving up four runs against the Padres is like winning a stuffed animal for your kid by slipping the carny a twenty spot.

Travis Snider – His May has been terrible and now he’s losing time.  He’ll get some starts and home runs, but he’s a liability for this year because of his average.

Sean Marshall – 5 IP, 2 ER.  Yup, and he gets the ‘Stros next.

Edinson Volquez – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Julio-Reyes-Edison-Edinson Volquez will forever be unpredictable.  If you own him, you just have to accept you’ll never know when he’s going to pitch well.

Cameron Maybin – Demoted after he ran the ‘lins out of a ninth inning rally with a boneheaded mistake.  Oh, and it didn’t help he’s sucked for a month and a half.  Sorry, Maybin, our love affair will continue next February when I publish my sleeper outfielders for 2010.

Chris Coghlan – Didn’t show much this weekend and still showed more than Maybin.

Mariano Rivera – Worked a scoreless save yesterday.  Good thing, because Joba wasn’t available to relieve him. (BTW, how do you spend so much money and not get a bullpen?  George Steinbrenner just rolled over in his scooter.)

Koji Uehara – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  He’s looking a lot more usable than his fellow import, Kawakami.  And his Korean tacos are delicious!

Jim Johnson – Was hit yesterday.  Baez was hit on Saturday.  Tomorrow Sherrill will be hit.  As long as Ray doesn’t pitch, he might be the closer by next weekend.

Joba Chamberlain – 6 IP, 3 ER.  Pattern emerging — tough first inning, then settled down.  Oh, and in honor of yesterday’s Mother’s Day —   Owen doesn’t have a friend!

Chris Davis has 42 Ks in 88 ABs.  That’s a pace of about 300 Ks.  Not sure he gets there, but Mark Reynolds should be worried about his strikeout record.  Back when I called Chris Davis a poor man’s Mark Reynolds, everyone and there’s Momma’s boyfriend wanted some Davis action.  Back in June of 2008, when Davis was called up, I said, “(It) doesn’t mean he will strikeout 250 times and hit 50 HRs, but it gives you a bit of an idea of what kind of player he is.”  Actually, he may strikeout 250 times.  And that’s me quoting me linking to me and correcting me!  I’m not saying any of this to push people to trade him away, but I think a lot of people thought they were getting a .300 hitter in Davis.  He’s not.  Average is a bit of a fluky thing, but, with the way Davis is striking out, he’s looking like a .240-.250 hitter.  I still think as the weather heats up the homers will be flying, but check your expectations.  Anyway, here’s what we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Grady Sizemore – Sizemore got caught stealing for the 4th time yesterday in 9 tries.  Last year he only was caught 5 times out of 44 tries.  Grady hasn’t had this much trouble getting to 2nd base since he was a sophomore in high school and was still being ridiculed as Gravy Friesmore. The Cleveland GM Mark Shapiro is one of the more analytical GMs out there – don’t be surprised if they pull the reins in on ol’ Grady, unless he shows he can steal at a 70+% clip.

Eric Bedard – Rudy said this yesterday morning, “Yeah, the Rangers are a bitch to face even when they’re on the road.  That said, you shouldn’t bench Bedard.  Against the Rangers, he’s good for 7+ Ks”.   Rudy must have a way with Canadians because Bedard delivered 7 IP and 7 Ks.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Grand slam yesterday.  Again, this is why you just put a catcher in there and slowly back away.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-5, 7th homer.  As I’ve said before, I don’t think it stops.

Kenshin Kawakami – He was dropped in my 16 team league.  And he stayed on waivers.  Sometimes the most significant action is the one not taken. – Grey Albright.  (But he might be cribbing that quote and just doesn’t remember.  He’s also talking in 3rd person right now.)

Felipe Lopez – Day-to-day with a sore ankle.  Hmm… Felimpy?

Julian Tavarez – 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Yeah, I’m done with Tavarez.  He can save the next 20 games for the Nats (which would take him to about September) and I’m not picking him up again.  Hanrahananan, who also wasn’t great yesterday, might get another shot, but, like most Nats pitchers, if they’re not pitching, they’re the most valuable so Beimel’s looking the best right now.

Jorge Posada – On the DL with a sore hamstring.  Posada was heavily discounted in many drafts this year with the assumption he’d miss a lot of time.  Figure you drafted him thinking he’d get 4-6 weeks vacation.  This is just part of the employment package for a 36-year old catcher…

B.J. Upton – 1-for-4, bringing him to .157 on the season with no homers and 4 RBIs.  Yeah, that’s terrible.  We wouldn’t be surprised if Joe Maddon shot his shoulder up with cortisone next time he gave him an encouraging pat.

Emmanuel Burriss – Webster stole his 8th base yesterday.  It’s not pretty, but it’s three more than Jose Reyes.

Alberto Callaspo – HR yesterday, hitting .379 through 80+ ABs.  This is why I was annoyed last year when the Royals were playing Grudzielanek. (Yes, I needed to look up the spelling.  Cut me some slack!)  So who or what is this Callaspo?  He’s a light power and speed middle infielder who should have a decent average.  Say Callaspolanco.

Roy Oswalt – Bruised finger forced him out of the game.  Said to be day-to-day.  He better have an excuse for giving up all of those runs to the Nats.

Gavin Floyd/Kyle Davies – 5 IP, 6 ER and 4 IP, 6 ER, respectively.  Hope everyone’s already chucked these two turd sandwiches.

Joba Chamberlain – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 Ks.  It didn’t start pretty, but it sure did end up that way. With 12 of the last 14 outs coming on strikeouts.

Max Scherzer – Going from Joba to Jobacum, Scherzer threw 6 innings and gave up 2 earned, but he will never win a game.

Jeff Weaver – 5 IP, 1 ER.  Outpitched Scherzer, or did he?  I think Jered Weaver pulled the ol’ Alex P. Keaton tie switching trick and pitched for his big bro.

Brad Ziegler – Pitched a perfect inning of relief yesterday.  Oh, well.  I was looking forward to the TV movie of the week with Freddie Prinze Jr. documenting Ziegler’s “flu.”

Josh Greer/Aaron Cook – Both pitched 8 innings, gave up five hits and one run apiece.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this is the first time two pitchers had near-identical pitching lines.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But heard in the Elias Sports Bureau office last week was, “For the first time in over a year, Bill in accounting didn’t purposely staple his finger to get out of a board meeting. Instead, he chose to slam his hand into a filing cabinet.”

George Sherrill – The Orioles have been seeking consistency in their pitching and now they have it as their bullpen is as unreliable as their starters. The O’s said they were going to a closer by committee. To get on this closerousel, you need Sherrill, Ray, Johnson and Baez, in that order.

Edinson Volquez – 8 IP, 0 ER.  Against a young, free swinging team, Volquez is your man.  And he still walked four.  As for WWDD?  Or “What Would Dusty Do?”  After the 7th inning, Volquez had already thrown 100 pitches.  Do you bring him out for the 8th inning in a blowout?  Of course Dusty Do!

Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 7 ER.  He avoided the wrath of Ibanez, Howard, and Utley (not in the lineup) but couldn’t stop the Flyin’ Hawaiian (HR, 3 RBI ) or J-Werth (HR, 4 RBI ).  Still, Wainwright is a must-start everywhere except maybe COL or until LaRussa makes an everyday player out of him.

Curtis Granderson – 9th HR yesterday.  Well, la di da!  Wasn’t he supposed to do this shizz last year?  Guess he never got the memo.  I blame the messenger.

Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Was a good matchup for him and he’s good for matchups, so there’s that.

Maggilio Ordonez – Batting .232 on the season.  If Ordonez gets hurt, they should replace him with a guy whose last name is Derson.  Then they can have the Russian Doll Outfield – Granderson, Anderson, Derson.