I watched Mat Latos yesterday. Now I want an eye transplant with someone that watched Jamie Moyer pitch (not when he was first called up because that eye transplant would have cataracts). I wish I could pinpoint what the problem is with Latos, besides looking terrible. He was hitting 95 MPH on the maybe-a-tad-Reds-friendly radar gun for three straight pitches to Beltran. Unfortunately, he threw all three friggin’ pitches in the exact same spot, so, of course, Beltran turned on one. Then he made the next hitter, Holliday, look terrible with offspeed stuff. Like a bachelorette order form, is there somewhere I can check for him to mix in the junk? Does Mesoraco only have one finger on his pitch-calling hand? Is Latos giving up early runs so Dusty can’t throw him into the 11th inning? How do you even give up 5 earned runs in the first two innings on only 6 baserunners? Is that even mathematically possible with only one two-run homer? Why are you making me wrack my brain? And why are you giving up a two out triples to the opposing pitcher?! Latos gets the Giants next. If he can’t make them look like a team that has only three hitters, and one of which they bench, then Latos is going to my bench for the foreseeable future. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Krispie Young – The MRI revealed a ligament tear and who wins this year’s Biggest Loser. Damn you, MRI, and your spoilers! Krispie’s headed to the 15-day DL and the Diamondbacks say he should be fine after a couple of weeks of rest. With a ligament tear in his shoulder? Sounds like they have a ligament tear in their silver lining. This sounds like something that won’t only sideline Krispie for longer than 15 days but also leave him at less than 100% for the rest of the season until an offseason of rest. It’s pretty terrible news. Rico Suave should see the majority of the time in the outfield while Krispie gets himself right. Parra’s pretty yawnstipating from a fantasy perspective for mixed leagues. In NL-Only leagues, he should get you some counting stats. (Wanna hear something that says so much? I added yawnstipating to my computer dictionary. It’s right there in my virtual dictionary next to dork.)
Justin Upton – Where is thumbkin? Back from the MRI to say Upton needs a few days of rest with a bone bruise on his thumb. He did get into yesterday’s game as a pinch runner. Would be just wonderful if he had to slide head first. Hope Kirk Gibson didn’t slo-mo arm pump that in-game move.
A.J. Pollock – 0-for-3 with a caught stealing. How many players does it take to fill-in Krispie’s roster spot? One Pollock. He has good speed (36 SBs last year in the minors), but it’s not clear how much he’ll actually play. Might just be a bat for a few days until Justin’s thumb stops being Upton no good.
Brett Gardner – To the DL with a strained elbow. Huh? What’s he running on his hands like Encino Man? You don’t need an elbow to bunt and run. Put your elbow in a sling and call it macaroni! This kills my RCL team (well, Krispie’s loss kinda hurt that too), but how is there only one DL spot in the RCLs? What were we thinking? Guys (and 4 girls), talk some sense into me Charlotte sometimes, would cha please?
Hiroki Kuroda – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Starts like these in The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built is the reason why I told people to not draft him.
Lance Berkman – Puma reaggravated his calf injury and might hit the DL. Coincidentally, my Cougar’s out for a day or two with shingles.
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. That’s 5 homers and 3 steals. Maybe he’s this year’s old player who comes out of nowhere and has a renaissance year. How do we not have a term for this in the glossary? Please suggest in the comments. Thank you.
Brad Lidge – Davey Johnson revealed that Lidge suffers from vertigo. Still waiting for Davey to choose a closer, or more accurately, to explain The Trouble With Henry.
Ivan Rodriguez – Announced his retirement. Let’s remember the days when his nickname Pudge wasn’t ironic due to the banning of illegal substances that caused him to lose all muscle mass. Pour some andro out for him.
Cliff Lee – 10 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. I feel like a ten inning game is more rare than a no hitter. (I probably could find out if that was true at the ol’ Google.) Through 10 innings, he threw 102 pitches and 81 of those were strikes. Let’s just say, The Adverb was more than suffixient.
Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Lincecum who?
Brian Wilson – Undergoing Tommy John surgery today. They’re still evaluating whether they hairnet his beard or if they have to shave it. If they shave it, the surgery is due to end on Sunday and the homeless family of Lilliputians will need to be relocated.
Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks. Walks really got him in this game…and the hits…and the runs…and the lack of Ks.
Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Of course he pitched a gem. Why wouldn’t he?! Why would I want this kind of start from Latos?! I must be crazy! Yeah, still a little annoyed at Latos. And another thing, if Latos didn’t seem so detestable of a personality, I might be able to let it go!
Joel Hanrahan – Tweaked his Hanrahammy. Should be good to go by the weekend. In his place…
Juan Cruz – Guess who has more saves than Jordan Walden and Heath Bell combined? I grabbed Cruz in one league, then dropped him when I had to fill in for Gardner. Cruz may not see another save all year. If you’re very desperate, then specloselate. (On a related note, I thought of what we can call a top closer’s set-up man, a side salad.)
Grady Sizemore – Cleared for baseball activities. He’ll probably pull his groin scratching himself. I’m only half-punning.
Juan Francisco – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. The Braves are committed to Glass Chipper like Aguilera should be committed for eliminating Jesse Campbell, but Francisco’s a good name to watch in deep leagues in case he can get more playing time.
Jair Jurrjens – 4 IP, 4 ER. Can the editor who recut Star Wars take Jar-Jar out of the Braves rotation too?
Luke Scott – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Member I said last week to pick him up? Yeah, nothing’s changed yet.
Matt Joyce – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd game in a row with a homer. If he’s gonna hit, it will be in the first half. It’s Joyce to wit.
Justin Morneau – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs with his 3rd and 4th homers. Only cussword his fantasy owners are hearing this year is refocused.
Matt Capps – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save. Could he save a game without giving up a run? Just a question.
Kevin Youkilis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his first homer. Youuuuuuuk, speaking through his agent, said, “Tell Valentine there’s his motivation. And Sugarhill Gang invented the rap. So there!”
Lucas Harrell – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Anyone with a rotation spot, you own in NL- or AL-Only leagues, so I grabbed Harrell in an NL-Only league. Never looked at his stats. Just grabbed him. Then he pitched well yesterday for the second time in three starts and I was like, “Hey, this guy’s awesome! I wanna see his minor league stats.” So I Googled his name to see his minor league stats, and Googled asked me, “Are you sure you want to see his minor league stats?” Yes, Google! Give ’em to me! “Oh.” That was my reaction after seeing his stats. Um, yeah, I wouldn’t touch him in mixed leagues.
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4 with his first homer. He’s alive! I think.
Omar Infante – Out until Friday with a groin strain. It happened when he was running away from Hanley carrying a bottle of hair dye.
Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Yes, you should own him. No, I’m not joking.
A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. When I say hot, you say schmotato.
Doug Fister – Felt renewed discomfort in his abdomen. For Fister owners, that’s a punch to the gut.
Prince Fielder – 2-f0r-4, 2 RBIs and a steal as Major League Baseball tried to increase offense by moving 2nd base five feet from 1st.
Chase Headley – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and TWO HOMERS? He had two homers the entire 1st half last year, and two homers the entire 2nd half for four (stutterer!) total.
Michael Cuddyer – Homered then left Wednesday’s game with a bruised toe. If Cuddyer needs to miss time, guess who gets some time? No, not Eric Young Jr. Tyler Colvin. Could be some pop there. Keep your eyes peeled in deep leagues.
Juan Nicasio – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Eh, I’ve seen better starts. Buehrle, for instance, that was better, but I’d continue to roll with Nicasio in most leagues.
Derek Holland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Kinda wish I had Holland instead of Latos right now. Okay, I’ll let it go.
Kirk Nieuwenhuis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal. I’ve seen some people in the comments ask if they should pick up Kirk. Don’t cheat, Razzballers. Ask if you should pick up Nieuwenhuis. If I gotta spell that shizz, so do you. And, yeah, you should pick him up. Kinda like how I’ve been saying that in the last two weeks of Buys. Yesterday, he hit leadoff. That probably won’t hold, but Bay’s name is short for Sickbay, as in he hasn’t been good in years, and Duda hasn’t had much zippity, doo or dah recently.