Jack McKeon’s got a word for players like Hanley Ramirez — lollygaggers. For 5 years, Hanley’s been riding the crest of natural ability. As I’ve said before about Hanley and Manny, insouciance doesn’t age well. Think about the hot girl who got all the guys in high school then lost her looks ten years later. She never had to develop a personality and, now at age thirty, she’s screwing guys in the bathroom of some bar with sawdust on the floor and hoping they’ll adopt her two kids, Bob Jr. and Bob Jr. Jr. Hanley is a hot girl with no personality. Notice how I said is, not was. He’s only 27 years old, and I don’t think he’s done yet. He’s never hit below .300, his HR/FB% is way off his career rate, he’s still stealing bases and he’s getting unlucky with balls hit into play. I don’t think his end of the year numbers are gonna look good at all, but he could easily hit .350 the rest of the way with a 12/12 2nd half. If you can get him for fifty cents on the Washington, I’d do it. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Jonny Gomes – Gomes is a mnemonic for Great Outfielder? Meh. Eerie Superior to other outfielders for a short period of time? Yeah. Okay, so not the best mnemonic.
Jason Bay – He’s been on absolute fire! *fast, side effect for a medicine commercial voice* I don’t trust his power, speed or average. He’s gotten old — fast. And, if he were anyone else but a guy that once hit 36 homers, we probably wouldn’t even pay attention. If you have an erection longer than 24 hours after picking up Bay, see a doctor.
Garrett Jones – Robot’s not hard-wired to hit lefties so you have to bench him. But Apollo Creed couldn’t get at lefties either, even with a snowball, and he did all right (until he was killed by Drago.)
Alex Presley – A Buy with two Pirates and one former in the first four names? That’s the Jeopardy question to the answer, “How do you make Razzball readers yawn?”
Cameron Maybin – It’s funny, by which I mean it’s not funny at all, some players I love when they’re prospects then when they actually start playing I realize their upside is most players’ downside. That’s so Maybin!
Desmond Jennings – According to the hash marks on the inside of my cave, Jennings will be called up within the next week or so because of his Super Two status. Now, excuse me, while I make dinner for me and my volleyball. (BTW, Jennings has been a Buy for like three weeks in a row. Watch out, deaf ears, something’s falling!)
Eric Thames – Lotta borderline outfielders this week. Or as I like to call them, bored-er line. Wocka wocka wocka!
Mike Napoli – He’s due back on monday, so that means two things: 1) Now’s the time to grab Napoli. 2) Monday’s the time to grab his Mom. “No, Ms. Napoli, I’m not drinking pineapple juice for any particular reason.” Then we’d laugh and probably discuss Napoli’s playing time.
Geovany Soto – He’s hitting for the first time all year, but on a different note — is it me or is Geovany Soto wearing makeup? Was he on the way to the theater to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show?
Daniel Murphy – Here’s a Cust Kayin’ for you. For the season, Murphy’s been more valuable Billy Butler (unless your league counts Moob Size).
Lonnie Chisenhall – Just went over my Chisenhall fantasy. I wrote it while playing Angry Birds on my iPhone while riding on the back of an ostrich.
Chris Davis – Supposedly the Rangers are about to call him up again. Aw, geez, now someone has to change Bill James’s sheets. I’m done with Davis until he actually hits in the major leagues, but, if you’re hurting at corner infidel, go for it. He has hit something like 30 homers in 20 games in Triple-A this year.
Yuniesky Betancourt – Has two homers and two steals in the last ten games… Eh, he’s terrible, but I just picked him up in one league and I’m trying to convince myself he’s decent. Betancourt is decent! Yeah, ain’t working.
Cory Luebke – May just be a hodgepadre, but it’s worth the flyer to find out. What’s the worst that happens? A 6 IP, 2 ER start? Ooh, I guess you’re too good for that with your fancy jeans and Ed Hardy t-shirt.
Javy Guerra – Bastardo has three saves this year and he’s been the closer for like a minute — and that’s not an Urban Dictionary minute which is actually a long time. So, really who’s the bastardo in this equation? Guerra, that’s who. Yet, he’s supposedly the closer, but if Mattingly threw Elbert in there for the next save, wouldn’t surprise me in the least. Or is that would surprise me in the least? Eh, I couldn’t care less. Or is that could care less?
Antonio Bastardo – I think Charlie Manuel seriously considered Michael Stutes for the closer job, but he just had too much fun saying Antonio Bastardo’s name. (BTW, Bastardo was the 666th word of this post. We’re all damned!)
Vinnie Pestano – Chris Perez went to bereveament leave because his grandmother died. We’re sorry for his loss and hope the days off give him time to mullet over what she meant to him. Grab Pestano for some vulture saves. Or just grab him because he’s been good. His middle name should be Italy because he’s a VIP.
Adam Dunn – A few weeks ago I told you to sell him, as in trade. I think that ship’s sailed about as well as the Titanic. Depending on your leagues, it’s now time to just drop the Big
Jeremy Hellickson – His K-rate is just over 6 and his xFIP is 4.38. In other words, blech and belch. In other other words, see if you can still get something before things get worse. (Feel free to ignore this advice in keeper leagues. Assuming you do follow some of my advice.)
David Wright – “He’s due back within the next week!!! Or two.” That’s you talking to another owner in your league. “Honestly, I can’t believe I’m giving you my first round pick for Lind and Daniel Hudson. Maybe I shouldn’t play this fantasy baseball thingie — do you want me to throw in Aaron Hill?” That’s you too, then you giggle like Lisa Simpson when she’s swooning for a boy. This sell is called salvaging a rotten season from Wright. He’s never been one to just rebound immediately after an injury and he’s dealing with a back issue. So is he gonna steal knowing he’s gotta slide? Is he going to have a setback? Re-injure himself? I wouldn’t trade him for a hard candy out of your grammie’s pocketbook, but I’d explore options.