Josh Hamilton hits the DL and could be out for two months. I’m not one to say I told you so, but… Man did I call this one! Schadenfreude, snitches! Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Really, no one could’ve saw this coming…. Except me! Sorry, hiccup. Of course, Hamilton’s injured. He was abusing his body like Pookie for five years of his life. Hey, great that he’s snuffed out the glue sniffing, but that takes a toll on your body. Look at Courtney Love. She’s like 40 years old and she looks older than the 75-year-old guy who turns on the lights for your bowling lane. Then you throw in the fact Hamilton can’t take painkillers for fear that he might relapse so he’s stuck taking Airborne… Bleh! All adds up to trouble. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Edinson Volquez – Yesterday, I said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if Volquez ends up back on the DL.” And that’s me quoting me breaking bad news to you again! Turns out the finger numbness was elbow tenditis. Pitchers with arm troubles yadda yadda yadda. It ain’t good, guys and two girls that I know of that read Razzball. (The Ladies love the ‘stache!) Volquez is not a buy low. I hope you all listened when I said not to draft him this year. The Reds are spinning it so it sounds optimistic, saying he should be back in two weeks. Um, wasn’t that what they said two weeks ago?
Milton Bradley – Fun for all ages strained his calf running to first. Umpires around the league won’t have to look over their shoulder for the next few days.
Jesus Flores – Gonna be out for the season. Bummer as the Flores Fan Club was just picking up steam with Randy Flores joining.
Troy Glaus – Swinging a bat next week. Wasn’t he just about to get shutdown for the season? Anything to get in the papers… in the papers. If you have an open DL spot, I’d stash, but expect nothing.
Jordan Schafer – Was demoted for Gregor Blanco. This one hurt me hard in my Razzball league. Schafer was leading the world in sucking the first two months of the season. I’m going to look at Chris Burke next. Hopefully, Burke sees enough time to prove his invaluability.
David Murphy – 2-for-4, one steal. I grabbed Murphy in one deep league to fill in while Beltran digs on the swine. I don’t recommend Murphy for 12 team leagues yet, but deeper leagues can look at him.
Joakim Soria – Returns from the DL. Not soon enough as Cruz began to sputter.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Left the game with a shoulder injury. Get well soon, Asdrubal. Your name makes me giggle.
Evan Longoria – Left the game with a tight hamstring. He’s day-to-day, and should be fine after Tony Parker draws him a nice hot bath.
Randy Wells – 7 IP, 1 ER, and a no-hitter into the bottom of the 7th. I wonder if he’s related to Dan Haren.
Derrek Lee – HR yesterday. Now has his average up to .253. I know, big whoop! But, and I might be alone on this island, I think he’s got a month or two hot streak in him. Not an insane .400/40 homer-type streak, but a hot one nevertheless.
Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 4 ER, 14 Ks and 133 pitches. He looks like Howdy Doody, but he’s a machine. I am Rowdy Halladowdy and I must kill Sarah Connor.
Joe Saunders – 5 1/3, 6 ER. Saunders is the new blech.
Kelvim Escobar – Will start this Saturday vs. the Tigers. I have him stashed in one league. Probably be a game time decision on whether I start him. It’s not a 12 team league. I wouldn’t start him there. Not worth the headache. Just wait to see how he does the first time out. Honestly, I don’t have high hopes for him to stay healthy, but he’s worth a flier. The nice thing about Kelvim Escobar is that when he’s been healthy, he’s been effective.
Alex Rios – HR yesterday. Now .471 over the last 7 with 2 HRs. Hey, looks like a little razzing has got Rios running through it.
Matt Joyce – 3 homers now in 5 games. What, Gabe Gross is going to steal time from him? I now own him in three leagues. I lost Gamel, a middle reliever schmohawk and Krispie, respectively.
Ben Zobrist – The verse is, “The Zo hit another homer.” The refrain is, “Of course, he did.”
Kevin Slowey – He’s now 8-1 after a 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER performance. Ladies and gentlemen of the comments, I’m just a simple fantasy baseball ‘pert. I do not understand your ways. Your world frightens and confuses me, especially when you ask me if you should trade away Slowey. What I do know is Slowey’s been excellent.
Manny Parra – 4 IP, 10 ER. I said to Sell him last Friday, so I’m absolved of this. But in one deep league, where there’s few options, I had Pena, Parra, Peavy and Wolf go yesterday. That’s 23 earned runs in 11 and two-thirds of an inning. Instead of buying me a daiquiri, perhaps we should go for cyanide.
Jake Peavy – 1 IP, 4 ER. Had the flu. A’la Ralph Fiennes, “I pardon you.”
Antonio Bastardo – 6 IP, 1 ER. If only his first name was Ubaldo, then he’d officially have the most badass name in the history of the planet. Solid major league debut, but it was against the Padres. I wouldn’t start him against the Dodgers next time out, but I’d grab him in deep leagues to see how the Bastardo does.
Dexter Fowler – Not only has he stopped hitting, but he’s not stealing either. He has a lot of promise in keepers, but in one year leagues you need to be looking elsewhere.
Miguel Tejada – 4-for-6 and leading the National League in batting. Here’s a preview of Friday’s Buy/Sell: Miguel Tejada – Sell.
Vin Mazzaro – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER in his major league debut. Mazzaro’s from Hackensack, En-Jay. Fun fact: That’s where Grey was born. Betcha he knows where to get a great slice of pizza. Okay, nostaglia out. I wouldn’t pick Mazzaro on any team.
Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 5 ER. He’s been too good up until this point, so I didn’t cut him in any league. Though I felt like cutting myself. RIP, Frankie from The Real World: San Diego. You more compelling than Irene “I’m Crazy From Lyme’s Disease” any day.
Tony Pena – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. I know Tony Pena. You, friend, are not him. Goodbye!
Dan Haren – 7 IP, 3 baserunners, 1 ER, 7 Ks. After the game, Haren said, “That Tony Pena was an imposter.”
Chad Qualls – Was available last night for the save. Unfortunately, there was no save. I’m still looking at you, Pena.
Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4, 2 Ks. Like clockwork, this guy gets to .260 then he tumbles to .230. It’s the patented Reynolds Whap.
Raul Ibanez – 2 HRs yesterday. He don’t need no stinkin’ Citizens Bank.
John Maine – Supposedly, a Mets TV crew member has swine flu and has infected everyone, except Mr. Met. The Mets said Maine should be cured by Friday. And, as we know, when you cure the swine, you get prosciutto. Ah… That never gets old. Never! Now don’t forget to tip your waitresses.
Carlos Beltran – Also with Swine. Now I know how the flappers felt when they thought they lost their shortstop, Arky Vaughan, with Polio in the summer of ’35. Grey, see, I’m starting Arky, but Skeeter Newsome is on waivers and I’m in a ten way tie for first in homers with 3. Should I make the switch, see?