Alfonso Soriano is out indefinitely with knee problems. Backdate this news three months. Al-So is beginning to look like every bit of his Latin 33 age. A real *pinkie to mouth* Al-so ran. I’d drop Soriano in all leagues. So it’s Jakie Foxx time, right?! Since Soriano’s been gone, Sam Fuld (no power, light speed) got two starts, Bobby Scales (minor league journeyman) got two starts, Fox hasn’t had one start. In other news, Jake Fox slept with Piniella’s wife. As for Grady Sizemore… Early last week I said Sizemore’s injury would shut him down sooner than later. Sooner happened over the weekend. Grady’s done for the season and the Indians will go with Michael Brantley. Hey, ain’t that the guy from Riverdance? Nope, but he also has quick feet. Like Ron LeFlore, Brantley could provide some cheap speed. Right now, he’s batting first and hitting close to .400 since his call up. If there’s room in your bottle, there’s your lightning. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks. Now has two solid games back from his Disgraceful List stint. While he has a name like a high school bully character from an 80s movie (Shut up, geek!), Cueto could have decent value in the last month.
Jay Bruce – Should return from his DL stint on Tuesday. If he’s out there, I’d grab him, but don’t expect a miracle. Bruce had three hits on Saturday in Triple-A, but Dusty Baker said, “There is more to being ready than just hits.” Hmm… Maybe that’s why the Reds are dead last in the major leagues in hits.
Drew Stubbs – HR yesterday. Now has 4 homers in the last seven games with one steal. Has 23 Ks and 25 hits since his call up. That’s Dusty Ball!
Jeremy Guthrie – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks. I had a brief love affair with Guthrie last year. It ended poorly in the beginning of this year, but then last month I saw he threw a solid game and I texted him that I was glad he was back on track. He responded with “Thx.” I hate when people abbreviate thanks. They should respond with, “I don’t appreciate you enough to write out thanks.” Then Guthrie threw another good game and another and another. We may not be on the best of terms and the Orioles schedule is ugly in September, but if you’re really hurting, Guthrie has four straight solid starts and might have more in the tank.
Derek Holland – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER A.K.A. why I wouldn’t trust Holland this year.
Leo Nunez – No outs recorded, 3 ER. Now has blown two games in his last three opportunities. May lose some save chances in the near future, but, unfortunately, Lindstrom hasn’t been much better. Maybe Kiko Calero takes his awesome sounding name and does something with it. Though, I doubt it.
Ryan Franklin – 1/3 IP, 2 ER as he blew his 1st save since June. Normally, that would mean he’s as secure as they come, but the Cards can’t afford to lose games in the ninth and I’d imagine LaRussa will have another guy warming up as Franklin takes the mound next time.
Wade Davis – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks. Might have a solid couple of starts in his arm for this month, but he can roofie you at any time. Eric Karabell calls that high risk, high reward. He’s so smart!
Fernando Rodney – Got two days off on Saturday and Sunday. Leyland’s saying it was just some rest in the long season. I think it’s because Rodney fired a 97 MPH fastball into the press box after saving Friday’s game. Incredibly, members of the press were able to make a split second decision to leave the nachos and duck. Lyon may have some appeal if you’re hurting for saves.
J.P. Howell – No outs recorded, 1 ER. More disconcerting, Grant Balfour opened the ninth in a save situation. Howell then entered to face a lefty, then gave way to Russ Springer, who gave up the grand slam to Brandon Inge. It’s a closerousel, and the Tampa closer is Grant P. Springler.
Gordon Beckham – Sat out yesterday with a sore side. He should be back in a few games to make his run at .250 while hitting a homer every fifth game.
Krispie Young – 3 HRs yesterday. Now he just needs to get 20 homers and 20 steals while batting .600 the rest of this month to salvage his season.
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks. On the bright side, he should be a relative bargain next year.
Seth Smith – 2 HRs, giving him 4 in the last five games as he hits near .600 in the last week and his Grandpappy settled Jamestown.
Doug Fister – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks and a no decision. Confession: I’m way under my innings limit in one league, so I gambled on Fister. Plus, I always dreamed of having someone with a porn name on my team.
Brad Hawpe – The Rockies scored 13 runs and Hawpe went 0-for-3 with 2 runs. Ticker Tease!
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-3, and 3 walks, which is the same amount of walks he got in all of April. In the same game, a triple play. Obviously, there was two full moons in Milwaukee yesterday.
Randy Ruiz – Hit in the cheek with a pitch. The cheek you pinch if you’re an Italian mother, not the cheek you pinch if you’re Italian who drives an IROC. Ruiz will probably miss a few games. After the game, he said, “I’m fine now. Nothing growing up in New York City that I haven’t experienced.” I grew up in New Jersey. There you get hit by the strong stench of Drakkar.