Yesterday, Ozzie Guillen said, “Bobby’s not my closer right now, he’s not, I’m very happy with Chris Sale. I’m not saying (Jenks has) lost his job, I have to wait to see to put him in the game to see how he’s doing… It might take a little while, maybe one day, two days, three days… a week. Unless I find out Chris Sale is Asian, then I’m gonna make him work for it.” The last line was inferred. Sale’s been lights out since his call up — 0.57 ERA in 15 2/3 IP with 21 Ks. The manager says he’s the closer, so I’m gonna say Sale’s the closer. It’s obviously not as easy as that when Ozzie’s involved. The wind could change directions, Ozzie’s weather vane that’s labeled with Putz, Jenks, Thornton and Sale could spin and someone else could be the closer by tomorrow. As of right now, I’d grab Sale. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jimmy Rollins – Sounds like he’s done for the regular season, or at least until very close to the end of the year. Rollins said, “Studies show, even if it’s a mild hamstring, even though the doctors like to say 7-to-10 days, it’s usually three weeks.” Studies, yeah. Studies of Jimmy Rollins.
Cole Hamels – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 13 Ks. Hamels probably hasn’t gotten the recognition this year because of the low win total, but he has 201 Ks in 194 2/3 IP, 1.16 WHIP and a 3.01 ERA. That’s nothing to sneeze at unless you’re allergic to number one fantasy starters.
Albert Pujols – Apparently, there’s no DL in September but there is day-to-day after a cortisone shot to the elbow. He’ll probably be back today as his elbow told reporters, “Imma let Albert finish.”
Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 8 Ks. He probably could’ve picked a better time to use my H2H team for toilet paper.
Hideki Matsui – 2-for-4 as he continues his hot hitting. At any moment, the Sciosciapath in the Angels dugout could bench a hot hitter, but I’d give Matsui a chance if you need some pop.
Mark Teixeira – Has been playing on a broken pinky toe since the end of August. Guess that explains why he had his stats kick me in the nads.
Mariano Rivera – How does he have a 1.33 ERA and only 30 saves? Seriously, dubya tee eff.
Josh Hamilton – Ain’t much of a limb at this point, but Hamilton’s owners will be lucky to see him play another 5 games this season. And, even in those games, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him get pulled early. Rangers have no reason to push him and won’t.
Shelley Duncan – Smashed two homers and 24 forearms.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 and has now hit in every game this month and only took four oh-fers in August. Cust kayin’.
Daniel Hudson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. If you haven’t heard, the Diamondbacks might move the fences or build a humidor in the offseason. So let me guess, Hudson’s gonna be on all of my teams next year? Don’t mind if I do!
Brian Matusz – Says he won’t miss his next start. Sure, why would the O’s rest one of their prized prospects with a sore tricep on his pitching arm? They’re going after a 100 losses.
Nick Markakis – Nick Bupkis hit his 10th homer yesterday. 10 homers, Markakis? Really? You suckakis.
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks and is now shutdown for the year. Too bad, so sad.
Travis Snider – Him and his .289 OBP hit lead off yesterday. In related news, check Cito Gaston for a pulse.
Scott Podsednik – Out for the year with plantar fasciitis, which only sounds like something Mr. Peanut would get.
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks and the win with the Dodgers mustering only one hit and no RBIs. Did the McCourt judge freeze all their assets, including the Dodger bats?
Matt Garza – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. One day, I’m going to run into Garza. This season will be in the books. This start will long be a memory. And I’m going to punch Garza in the mouth.
Gio Gonzalez – 2 IP, 7 ER. It sure rides like a Gio.
Mike Aviles – Now has back-to-back games with a homer and is hitting over .350 in the last week. Has good position eligibility for those hurting at MI.
Wilson Betemit – 3-for-5 with his 11th homer in 227 ABs while batting .313. Not a flashy name, but is currently hitting near .350 in the last week. Sing it, Vedder, “Can’t find a Betemit…”
Chone Figgins – 4-for-4 with his 39th steal. I have one thing to say about this stunod. Even if he gets his average up to .270 on the year with 40+ steals, the first five months are not excused.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. After the game, he removed his face to reveal Dustin Pedroia.
David Murphy – 3-for-5 with his 10th homer. He also has 12 steals and is batting .288. He’s like a destitute man’s CarGo. That’s actually a compliment.
Chris Johnson – He took a steam for about two weeks after being hot for over a month. Now, he’s hitting again. Has 3 homers in the last 8 days and is batting *holds hand over mouth while speaking* …Okay, so he’s not hitting for a great average, but he’s hitting homers.
Bud Norris – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. It’ll be between Daniel Hudson and Norris as to who will be my fifth starter on every team next year like Jonathan Sanchez was this year.
Brandon Lyon – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save. This is coming a day after Lindstrom got a save and two games after Lyon gave up two runs.
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer. C’mon, Braun, save face and at least hit more homers than McGehee this year.
R.A. Dickey – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s only at 50% owned. He’s at a 2.80 ERA on the year. I know, I had hesitation about picking up a knuckleballer too, but you’re a little slow on the uptake at this point, no? Give him a shot already. As someone once said, “The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph.”
Carlos Beltran – Hit his 4th homer yesterday to go along with his 3 steals (not in yesterday’s game, though that wouldn’t be a record). He’s also hitting .236. Aren’t you glad you drafted him? He’s really paying off your patience. Oh, who am I kidding, anyone who drafted Beltran isn’t reading this. They’ve moved onto fantasy football.
Francisco Rodriguez – Charged with criminal contempt in addition to the assault charges. New charges stem from 56 text messages K-Rod sent his girlfriend. I skimmed through the texts and here’s a few of the better ones. First text, “If I text you, will you press charges?” Second text, “You get my first text?” 17th text, “Can you believe Omar Minaya traded away Heath Bell and signed me? Even I find that funny.” 23rd text, “I love pistachios. That is all.” 31st text, “I forget, did you sign me up for unlimited texting?” 45th text, “Where do you buy a meat dress? A fashion designer or a butcher?”