Fantasy Baseball Advice

Back in late March, when the season was just about to get underway, Rudy and I decided to hold a contest where you, the Razzball reader, were given an opportunity to challenge the mighty, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-everything ‘perts, Rudy and Grey. The contest was simple in its design. Choose the winners of the postseason awards, the pennants and the World Series. The chads have been checked and the votes tallied. The results show you won, quite easily I might add. All of you. Rudy and I got none right out of all of our picks. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Less than 1. To be honest, I’m not even sure how one goes about not getting one single one correct. Actually, I think that’s a feat in itself. Now only if we tried to get them all wrong… But then we prolly would’ve got them all right.

The Padres did not win the World Series as I predicted. They finished with the third worst record in baseball. The lowly Nats and Mariners were the only ones to best worst them.

Verlander did not win the AL Cy Young as Rudy predicted. If there was an award for the opposite of the Cy Young, Verlander had a shot at that.  My Bedard pick doesn’t look much better in retrospect.

You, the Razzball reader, were not immune to ludicrous selections either. Someone foresaw a Mariners/Padres series and an AL MVP of Adrian Beltre. Presumably, they are (were?) a Mariners fan.  Someone else thought Peavy would win the AL Cy Young. If Peavy were traded in the middle of 2008 and this came true, I would’ve shaved my mustache.  Finally, someone thought Andruw Jones would win the NL MVP. Again, we got none right, so who am I to judge?

So who did the best at beating us out of all of youse? Drumroll…

Out of twenty-two possible questions….

With a whopping three correct answers….

Bob!

Woot-woot, Bobster! Woot-woot, Bobster! Woot– Okay, before you get too full of yourself, you also put an ineligible Edinson Volquez down for NL ROY… Then again, some members of the BBWAA did the same. (BTW, don’t look at that BBWAA Geocities-ish site too long. It’ll burn your computer screen and retinas.)

Congratulations, Bob. I’ll be contacting you about where I should send the $50 Amazon gift certificate. Or comment below, you big winner you.

I don’t want to push Lou’s post Fantasy Baseball, the 1960s down too far, so I’m going to keep this quick and to the point. Something on the Wide World of the Interwebs got my goat today, and nobody, sir, gets my goat. Keith Law, ESPN dooode, alerted me that Daily Kos called a baseball blogger bourgeois. Alliteration in lieu of wit? Fo sho! Not to mention, only pretentious twits use the word bourgeois. Why the chin music on a baseball blogger? Because the Daily Kos wants someone other than that baseball blogger to win some $10K blogging scholarship that is voted on by you. (What qualifications do you have to award a scholarship? None. Which makes you perfectly qualified, I suppose.) So to all baseball bloggers out there that are reading this, take the initiative and post about this. To all of Razzball Nation that is reading this, you have but one choice in this election, Dave Cameron, who I don’t know from heffin’ Adam, for a $10K blogging scholarship. Vote now and vote often!

Last night, Rudy and I partook (partaked?) in the Fantasy Baseball Roundtable Radio Podcast Show-a-ma-thingie. Listen to the whole thing and you’ll go deaf from my cackle. You’ve been warned.

In our fantasy baseball forums, there’s a great thread going about the Fantasy MVPs, Cy Youngs and the Least Valuable Players. So I thought I’d do a year end award special. Luckily, you won’t have to wear a tux for this or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny. Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Anyway, here’s The 2008 Razzball Year End Awards:

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player - Josh Hamilton - Did everything, except blow a random stranger for a crack rock.

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player - Albert Pujols - Pronounced POO-holes.

Fantasy AL Cy Young - Cliff Lee - In ten years, Dennis Quaid is going to be portraying Cliff Lee in a movie of the week called, “2008: The Improbable Season.”

Fantasy NL Cy Young - Tim Lincecum - 265 Ks. Sorry, Grey, could you speak up? 265 Ks!

Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player - Travis Hafner - Victor Martinez - Alex Gordon - Carlos Guillen - As the co-co-co-co-winners of this award head up to the podium to accept the award, Pronk trips and his giant melon head crashes into the ground opening a black hole in the space-time continuum that sucks all four of these schmohawks into oblivion.

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player - Rickie Weeks - Troy Tulowitzki - Rich Hill - When Alex Gordon, Pronk, V-Mart and Carlos Guillen crash to the ground in oblivion, they land on these three schmohawks.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times - Jerry Hairston Jr. - He’s hitting well? All right, I’ll grab him for a short schedule day. He’s still hitting well? All right, I’ll pick him back up. He’s injured? I’m dropping him. He’s back. Awesome! He’s injured again. Now he’s back. No, he’s not. Yes, he is. Now he’s playing like Jerry Hairston Jr. again. Ugh…

Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop - JJ Putz - Why can’t I quit you, Putz?

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up - Mike Napoli - Eh, I’ll just stick with Pudge.

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him - Jeremy Guthrie - You know you were actually upset when he went on the DL at the end of the year.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did - Cliff Lee - Luckily, I only swore on my pinkie finger that Lee wouldn’t keep up his pace.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin - Dan Uggla - Way to revert to the norm.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It - Edinson Volquez - You took some lumps in the 2nd half, but they could’ve been worst.

Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted - CC Sabathia - Why was he so bad in April?!

Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted - Robinson Cano - Do I send the hate mail to the old Yankee Stadium or the new one?

Best Roofie Pitcher - Johnny Cueto - Max Scherzer - Clayton Krenshaw - Manny Parra

Best Jockular Sphincteritis - Kaz Matsui

Top Cuddle Boy - Fernando Rodney

Top SAGNOF - Willy Taveras/Jose Valverde (Tie)

Top Bowden Fluffer - Delmon Young

Top ESPN Analcyst - Eric Karabell

Player Who “Pulled A Kotchman“ - Rafael Furcal/Phil Hughes (Tie)

Player You Most Wanted To Run Over With a Tractor - Travis Hafner - Because Co-Co-Co-Co-Least Valuable Player Award Wasn’t Enough.

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day - Aaron Harang

With half the 2008 fantasy baseball season in the books, it’s time to take a look back at how fantasy baseball and the world has changed in the last three months. When the fantasy baseball season started…

…Branded the Latin Sandy Koufax, the New York Media fit Johan for a yarmulke.

…Mike Myers was still considered funny.

…I had 2 Facebook friends. I’m up to 3.

…The Cubs had their expectations in check.

…Tomatoes were safe to eat.

…Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey weren’t dating yet.

…Deer meat vs. Clint Barmes was still decidedly in deer meat’s favor.

…Everyone thought the Marlins, the A’s and the Nats would be bad. (Only the Nats didn’t disappoint. Oh, wait, does that mean they did disappoint??? Ugh, brain freeze!)

…Everyone thought the Tigers would win over a 100 games and challenge every offensive record while being led by Miguel Cabrera, who some thought should be handed the MVP trophy in the preseason.

…In related news, Jim Leyland was smoking only two packs a day.

…A gallon of gas was $3.77.

…Edinson Volquez for Josh Hamilton was a trade that bored you at worst, and yawnstipated you at best.

…I had no idea what Turducken was.

…I had a full roll of toilet paper.

…If I told you Grady Sizemore was on pace for 40/40, you’d tell me that was one of the top stories of the year thus far.

…There was hope that the new Indiana Jones movie wouldn’t be a disappointment that was obviously made by two out-of-touch filmmakers that long ago sold their soul for plush toys.

…My use of Cust kayin’ wasn’t stale.

…Eugenio Velez was on three of my teams.

…I had Carlos Ruiz on seven of my teams.

…Jon Rauch was a setup man.

…I hadn’t yet figured out what I was going to be for Halloween. Now I know — I think I might be beat.

…Curtis Granderson was injured, but no one seemed fazed. Pujols was injured and everyone ran the other way.

…George Carlin was still cursing.

…I had an idea to market a Sunday, after-church drink called Blood of Christ-tinis.