Fantasy Baseball Advice

One of our blogging brethren over at Midwest Sports Fans was analyzing 37 year old Raul Ibanez’s breakout start to the season and, as part of a rather detailed analysis of park factors and whatnot, ‘begrudgingly acknowledged’ that performance-enhancing drugs cannot be completely dismissed. A Philadelphia Inquirer journalist saw it.  By the next day, they had an angry Raul Ibanez threatening to ‘come after people who defame or slander me’ and labeling the charges as ‘pathetic and disgusting’.

While we are bloggers and naturally want to defend one of our own, we can’t bring ourselves to do it in this case. It doesn’t take an investigative journalist or top-notch blogger to figure out what’s going on with Señor Ibanez. We realized it in the first week of the season and didn’t think it was worth spelling out but now that it’s all the talk….well, we might as well spill the beans.

Raul Ibanez is not doing well because he’s on performance-enhancing drugs. C’mon, get real. It’s quite the contrary – he’s doing well because he’s finally off performance-enfeebling drugs.

Look at his career – do you really think any major leaguer would play 13 seasons for only the Mariners and the Royals if they weren’t on drugs? Think about what Seattle and Kansas City have in common. Who is Seattle’s most well-known musician? Yes, Kurt Cobain (sorry Jimi Hendrix). And who is Kansas City’s most well-known musician? That’s a harder one but you guessed correctly if you said jazz musician extraordinaire Charlie “Bird” Parker (sorry dude who played with the Sunshine Band). What do those two musicians have in common? Yup, they were dragon chasin’, white horse ridin’ heroin addicts.

Did you really think Ibanez was just a .290/20 HR type? He can hit that while his body is ravaged by smack. In fact, he has. Every single year until this year that is. Now the dope-free dope is finally having the monster season that he could’ve been having for the past 15 years if only he stayed clean. Hell, even his much-maligned fielding has gotten better.

So sorry Midwest Sports Fans but we’re siding with the hot-hitting OF in Philly who is angry on life. Keep ragin’, Raul!

Here at Razzball we don’t believe in protesting a fantasy baseball trade, but we do fully support passive-aggressive, sarcastic belittling.  So if someone in your league passed a trade that makes you wish they passed a kidney stone, you’re in luck!  Here’s a Mad Libs-type tirade to post in league’s messageboard because when met with pettiness, retaliate with more pettiness.  Simply copy the below and fill in the appropriate words.  You may use this post to antagonize your closest friends, enemies or frenemies with the express written consent of Razzball.com.  Also, feel free to post your version in the comments.

To Those That Passed That (adjective) Trade,

Hi, (Name) here.  Just wanted to state my thoughts on the trade of (Player(s) Traded Away) for (Player(s) Received).  I contemplated vetoing the trade.  Instead, I decided to voice my disagreement on this messageboard.  Though I do question the two trade partners’ ability to read something that isn’t scribbled in crayons.  On the bright side, the two (plural derogatory name) who were involved in the trade can use this post to practice their reading comprehension.  It’s not too late for that GED!

Since no one has the courtesy to respond to my trade offers, I figured you were too busy (verb) in your Mommy’s basement while eating hard candies like an addict freebases (drug).  Alas, I overestimated both of you.  You managed to put your collective (low number) IQs together and lower the integrity of the league like you have to lower your standards to date (plural farm animal).

So, doucetards, I have an idea.  How about the next time you two (plural derogatory name) get together you figure out the best way to do nothing with your (adjective) lives?  I hear Subway might have an opening to spin a sign on the street corner.  Then again, for that to work you probably have to know the meaning of clockwise.

The Guy Who Is Going To Beat Both Of You Like Your Step-Daddy Should Have,

(Name)

P.S. Anyone need a closer?

Confessions: 1) I force my two year old twins to practice swinging a bat from the left side.  2) My baby cries whenever I make him practice his split-finger or his circle-change (I don’t care if you’re two months old kid!).  3) I force my wife to wear the Cubs bra when it’s time to make babies (now THAT’S what I call a “C” cup! Yowzah!).  (Why do I do this?  I don’t know, its way obsessive and cruel and has got to stop.)

I live a pretty good life here in Iowa.  I’m blessed with a great wife, three young boys, a good job, a small but decent brick ranch-style with a backyard at the end of a cul-de-sac.  I have an organic garden with killer heirloom squash and tomatoes.  My neighbors are quiet and friendly and strangely diverse (for Iowa, “diverse” means there are two Italians, a black guy and one Mexican family on my street).  Some days I forget to lock the door when I leave the house, but I never worry about someone breaking in.  It’s a great life!

So why would I need fantasy baseball or anything else to stimulate my granola Iowa day?  It’s the Field of Dreams here, right?  Is this heaven? blah, blah, blah…

Because deep down inside, like you, I owned the Bobby Bonilla 1986 Fleer Update rookie card that I swore would pay my way through college.  Like you, I once struck out 9 batters in a game (or was it 7?) as a 12 year old in Little League and was a double away from the cycle (or was it a triple?).  Baseball is a part of our lives that we never want to let go of, so much so that I absolutely need something to hang onto as my hair falls out and I quit getting any action at home since the wife burned the Cubs-themed bra.  Like you, I can’t forgive myself for never making it as a professional baseball player.  So what’s a dork like you and me to do?

You do the next best thing, which is to play lots of fantasy baseball, that’s what.  You love it and live it; and you come to Razzball, because let’s face it: all the other sites are fine (as much as Razzball is), but does any other Fantasy Baseball site refer to Brad Penny as Alyssa Milano’s boy toy?  Does any other fantasy baseball site think that the name ASDRUBAL is funny?  No!  Because not only is Razzball great with fantasy advice that you can (pretty much) count on, they also make you spit out your coffee in the morning and change your daily conversations with your boss to include terms such as “SAGNOF” and “Teabagger.”

See, the reason you read Razzball is because you want to believe that you’re not really a dork and that you actually have a sense of humor about things that you’re passionate about.  Sure, it’s just a hobby, but why not have any fun with your fantasy baseball obsession?  That’s why you read Razzball, and that’s why you should donate to Grey and Rudy for the amount of time they spend answering your questions, which, ultimately amounts to hundreds of hours more than any other fantasy baseball site out there.

The other night, I was invited to this kegger off the campus of the The College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston, when this friend of mine, Associate Professor Matt Berry came up to me and asked me for $4 to purchase the cup necessary in order for me to drink his beer.  So I paid the $4, did my keg stands, showed off my Ron Santo nipple rings, my “1.296 OPS” and “1060 W. Addison” tattoos, politely told all the co-eds that I was a married man and had a great time serving as the guest DJ by playing mostly Girl Talk .

But something I saw there really pissed me off… Sneaking through the back door were these four Freshmen, holding their own cups, who live at the quad and bypassed Berry who was occupied in his room watching re-runs of bootlegged Megan Fox DVD’s.  So here they were, stealing all sorts of fantasy baseball advice and BEER from Matt Berry’s party, and, well, drinking for free.

The moral of the story is: don’t be that guy that brings his own cup and drinks for free.  There is no charge for the awesome advice and commentary that you read on Razzball, so PLEASE consider making a contribution to Razzball, even if it’s just a few bucks.  It’s very easy to do.  Just click on the link below and tell Grey and Rudy thanks for the advice by giving a few bucks every once in a while.

I think I’m approximately six weeks late on this, but if you read Razzball daily (of course you do, you reader, you!) then you’ve read before some, if not all, of these predictions.  So what now? Read them again.  They won’t hurt you.  Plus now that I’ve put all of my ‘preseason’ predictions in one place, we can look back at this later in the year and laugh.  Oh, and we will laugh.  Who’s your NL MVP?  Soriano?  Oh, you do kid, Grey.  You do! Anyway, here’s my predictions for baseball’s post-season awards and whatnot:

AL Pennant Winner – Tampa Bay Rays.  I really didn’t want to pick the defending AL champions because that’s lame, and I made a resolution to be unlame this year.  Alas, I went through each AL team’s pitching staff and the Rays were the choice.

NL Pennant Winner – Los Angeles Dodgers.  Their lineup wins the division with ease then in a playoff series their pitching can beat the Cubs and Mets.

World Series Champion – Los Angeles Dodgers.  I’ve never been to a World Series game and would like to go.  Thank you!

AL ROY – Travis Snider.  I wanted to call this guy Travis Lind.  Weird!

NL ROY – Dexter Fowler.  I think he’s a top 30 player by 2011.  Wave of the future… Wave of the future…

AL Cy Young – Josh Beckett.  The Sawx will give him a chance for 20 wins and he can do the rest.

NL Cy Young – Chad Billingsley.  You didn’t think I was going to pick Joel Pineiro, did you?

NL MVP – Alfonso Soriano.  I expect a huge year from Soriano but he needs to stay healthy for 130 games.  Hey, maybe all his bad injury karma will be absorbed by Milton Bradley.  God knows Bradley could stand for some karmic retribution.

AL MVP – Miguel Cabrera. Since the BBWAA picks MVPs partially on how well a team does, this is a longshot at best, unless Cabrera becomes the Tigers number three starter.  And number four starter.  And closer.

Now put your picks in the comments and we’ll look back on this in November and mock each other.

With apologies to the great baseball writers that are from KC and/or write about the Royals (Bill James, Rob Neyer, Joe Posanaski), we decided to honor the Royals’ acting like a real sports team for the past 15 years by converting their roster into the best combination of sports and acting there is:  professional wrestling.

C:  Miguel “Tiger Chung” Olivo
1B: Mike “The Snake” Jacobs
2B: Mark ‘The Miz” Teahen
SS:  “Iron” Mike Aviles
3B: Alex “The Commissioner” Gordon
OF:  David “The Man of 1000 Yawns” DeJesus
OF:  Coco ‘B Ware’ Crisp
OF:  Jose “The Animal” Guillen
DH:  Billy “King Kong” Butler

Bench:  “Captain Lou” Alberto Callaspo
Bench:  Kila “Kowalski” Kaaihue
Bench:  Leaping Willie Bloomquist
Bench:  John “Million Dollar Man” Buck
Bench:  Gloadberg (Ross Gload)

P:  Gil “The Rotator Cuff” Meche
P:  Zack “The Missing Link” Greinke
P:  Brian “The Brain” Bannister
P:  Sidney “Gorilla” Ponson
P:  Luke HocheVar Erich
P:  Joakim “Superfly” Soria
P:  The Worthless Relievers – Brandon Duckworth and Kyle Farnsworth
P:  Ravishing Ron Mahay
Best Historical Royals Wrestler:  Paul “Mr. Wonderful” Splittorff

Runner-up:  Dan “Special Delivery” Quisenberry