The other day I was feeling tired but not tired like I could sleep but tired like I wanted to lie in bed and have Rudy read me a bedtime story. So here’s what Rudy read to me, “Once upon a time, a very long time ago now, about last Friday, Neftali Feliz was the best closer in the major leagues. Then there was a buzzing noise. This buzzing noise meant something. You don’t get a buzzing noise like that, just buzzing and buzzing, without it meaning something. If there’s a buzzing noise, somebody’s making a buzzing noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing noise that I know of is because you’re a save vulture about to pick up Darren Oliver.” “Rudy, why do the save vultures want Darren Oliver?” “The only reason for being a save vulture that I know of is for stealing saves from closer carcasses and right now Neftali is a carcass for the next two weeks.” “But, Rudy, I own Neftali Feliz in a lot of leagues. In fact, he’s been my best pitcher in a lot of those leagues.” Long pause. “Grey, I’m going to read you a different story. I call this one, ‘Arthur Rhodes Will Steal Some Situational Saves from Darren Oliver.’” Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball this weekend:
Ryan Madson – Jose Contreras, the Phillies closer and AARP Man of the Month of April, is headed to the DL. I’d grab Madson everywhere (shoot, I think I already owned him in some leagues), but keep it in mind that he is a Cuddle Boy. Speaking of which, can he enter the ninth inning with James Ingram’s Just Once playing? That would be so awesome. On the Jumbotron, a montage of the last scenes from The Last American Virgin could be playing, but instead of the kid paying for an abortion and driving home crying, it’s the Philliebot.
Roy Halladay – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks. Sure, but he didn’t have to face the Padres best hitter, Nick Hundley.
Albert Pujols – Left the game with tightness in his hamstring. Day-to-day as of this writing. Or D2D, if you like these things to look like R&B groups.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. I think I was supposed to draft Max Scherzer, The Nazi Killer, on at least one team. What happened to that? Or as Al Capps would say, “WHY DIDN’T THAT HAPPEN?!”
Ryan Raburn – You gave up on him. Yeah, you did. Okay, lie to yourself. Either way, he’s playing every day and he hit 2 homers in the last four games.
Darwin Barney – 2-for-5 yesterday and hitting .329 so far. He has no homers and 1 steal on the year. Is he doing more than the middle infielder schmohawk behind door number #1? Yeah, probably, but don’t get carried away.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, batting .402, 5 homers and 8 steals, not in just this game that would’ve been a record, except for a few games there in the early 2000s when Bonds was shooting up. Kemp is on some kind of mission to prove he doesn’t need Torre, an owner or a woman to get the job done. Doing work, son. I like to think right now Kemp is in the locker room talking about himself in third person and wearing a kaftan. Why? Because he can!
Andre Ethier – I think he’s hit in every game this season. So far I’m like 0-for-schmohawks with my overrated posts, but the season is young like Delmon.
John Lackey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Los Angeles Angels of Not-Los Angeles County. Maybe Lackey was pumped to face his old team, I don’t know. I wouldn’t own him with your team.
Carl Crawford – 2-for-4 and a home run. After the game, Crawford said he totally overslept his alarm clock by three and a half weeks. Oopsie!
Randy Wolf – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. I kinda don’t even want to talk about Wolf right now because he’s carrying our supposed-to-be-Gallardo-led LABR staff.
Rickie Weeks – Returned from a hand thingie-ma-whosie and hit a homer. Appropriate of nothing… For some reason, I see Rickie Weeks singing the lyrics, “Felt on the big fat fanny,” louder than all the other words in It Was A Good Day.
Mike Aviles – Had the AYCE Slam & Legs yesterday when he gobbled down two homers and a steal. Don’t like Aviles, but this could be the start of a hot streak. If you’re hurting at middle infield, I’m not above picking up someone I don’t like.
Jeff Francoeur – 1-for-3 with a Freedom Fly. He was a Buy in Friday’s post that I wrote while burping ulcer bile caused by my family visiting.
Mike Napoli – Now has 5 homers in 32 at-bats. He now has more homers than games started.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 3 Ks and hitting .247 on the year. Wait, wasn’t he supposed to win the MVP after the first week of the season? Sonavathelastthreeweeks!
Danny Espinosa – He was one of our favorite MI sleepers coming into the season as he’s shown 20/20 potential and solid job security. The biggest negatives were AVG (over/under at .245) and lineup position (which drives Runs/RBIs). The AVG concerns aren’t going anywhere but he’s been hitting leadoff this week which should help his Runs and SB attempts. He finally got his first SB on Sunday and wouldn’t be surprised if he goes on a streak like his MI-mate Ian Desmond.
Michael Morse – 6 for his last 16 with a homer yesterday. Maybe it just took him a while to step up to the immense sleeper potential put on him. (<–not sarcastic!)
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer and 2nd homer in two games. If a mohel in your league circumcised Zobrist from their team a little too quickly, you should grab him.
James Shields – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. ERA is now at 2.35 on the year. Yeah, he’s bouncing back. I’d start him every time out sans hesitation. Or sansitation, for those that enjoy a good portmanteau.
Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks and has an ERA of 3.00. I feel like I was supposed to own him too. Why do I not own any of the breakout guys that I wanted that are doing good but own all the potential breakout guys that aren’t doing well? Why do you make me suffer Fantasy Gods?
Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. The sun did come out for Morrow. Bet your bottom dollar!
Brett Cecil – Demoted to Triple-A not because he threw tantrums in the dugout. But because he threw tantrums in the dugout after not pitching well. Throw a tantrum after pitching well and you’re labeled eccentric and awesome.
Aaron Hill – Finally goes on DL after almost a whole week of waitin’ and seein’. Evidently, the Blue Jays are playing in a weekly league vs. a daily league.
Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. I told you he was a great guy to draft…Only I told you about 13 months too early. Excuse me if you can’t handle my prescience.
Derek Jeter – 4-for-6 to raise his average .257. Not a huge fan, but I did almost make Jeter a Buy on Friday. He’s not done done, just not the Pasta Diving Jeter he once was.
Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper has pain in his right knee. His left knee said, “Join the club!”
Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Beachy didn’t leave many stranded.
Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Another guy I loved in the preseason that I should own everywhere, yet don’t. Dubya tee eff, doode, dubya tee eff.
Brad Ziegler – Attributes his early success with his new diet that includes drinking soy milk. Luckily he didn’t start drinking V-8 as that might jeopardize his pitching motion.
Anibal Sanchez – Took a no-hitter into the ninth on Friday. This was what I wrote to Rudy this weekend over IM. “Here’s our luck thus far in our leagues. One pitcher we’ve dropped in all our leagues so far…. The one pitcher we felt we should’ve never drafted and that was expendable… The pitcher we dropped in one league for Phil Effin’ Coke was… Anibal Sanchez.” Rudy responded with, “I saw.” There was nothing else to say. The pain was palpable.
Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Member that Go West “King of Wishful Thinking” thing I said about Marcum starting the All-Star Game? Yeah, it’s gonna be Johnson. Be fun to watch his porn star brother Gosh Johnson work the All-Star crowd for groupies. “We’re gonna have a Johnson signing event in my hotel room from 2 to 3. That’s 2 PM to 3 AM.”
Scott Rolen – Who had Easter Sunday for the Rolen to DL pool (with strained left shoulder that’s been a persistent issue for him)? Collect your money. For now, Cairo is the replacement and is recommended in all Fantasy Razzball league formats (aka you get points for negative performance). Juan Francisco will get some starts when he returns from the DL. He’s got serious power but has more holes in his swing than Augusta National. He’s a good stash in NL-only though.
David Wright – The AYCE slam & legs (2 HR, 1 SB) with 3 runs and 3 RBIs. Watching the carcass tandem of Jason Bay and Carlos Beltran play so hard must be inspiring him.
Jason Pridie – With Angel Pagan on the DL (did he tag in Jason Bay first?), Terry Collins looked at his corner OFs (Bay and Beltran) and decided he needed better than the average at best defense of Willie Harris and Scott Hairston in CF. Pridie has a good defensive reputation and has shown speed in the minors (25 SBs a year in two full AAA seasons) but, despite his HR on Sunday, is a below average hitter that’s worthless outside of NL-only leagues. Or as Larry David would say, “He is (not) pridie pridie good.”
Zack Greinke – He’s still on pace for an early May return. Only 3 things could derail it: 1) he plays pickup basketball, 2) he has a mental episode, or 3) he has a mental episode about not playing pickup basketball.