Pedro Alvarez went 3-for-5 with 2 homers. Had his 2nd two homer game in two days. Say that fast 117 times! LMFAO should be playing when Alvarez goes into the batter’s box, “Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!” (I wish I wrote that song.) Alvarez is 23 years old. For those who can’t read between the lines, he’s going to get better!!! (Second and third exclamation marks were for emphasis, not because my keyboard’s keys are sticking.) Who knew the only thing the Pirates offense needed was to lose their best hitter? Maybe the Mariners should lock Ichiro in a closet for a few games. This is Ichiro going into the closet, “Hey, Beltran, what are you doing here?” I keed. So what can we expect of Alvarez the rest of the season. Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Or 12 homers and a terrible average. He’s still K’ing too much. I’d absolutely pick him up in every league just for the chance he keeps hitting bombs. I would not drop anyone that I might regret. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ty Wigginton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in two days. Casey McGehee’s Dad is historically a streaky hitter and a 2nd half hitter. Also, the Phillies, Rangers and Yankees are talking about acquiring Wiggy. Not all of those teams would be a boost to his value, but if I had to take a guess, I’d say Wigginton will be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.
Juan Rivera – Over his last 7 games, he’s hitting .450 with a homer and a steal. I avoided him like the plague in the preseason, but I have nothing against picking up a random hot outfielder for a two to three week fling. I’m a fantasy baseball whore like that.
Hideki Matsui – Hit his 2nd homer in the last two games at The Stadium They Built Next To The Stadium Ruth Built. Must’ve been nice to be home again. The city where he made his major league debut. The city where he won the World Series MVP. The city where he masturbated to his legendary collection of porn.
Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs in the three hole while Mauer rested his long, supple gams. I like Delmon at the top of the lineup. He’s hitting and he can throw the bat at an ump harder than anyone else.
Geovany Soto – 1-for-2 with his 13th homer. Good thing you dropped him!
Ted Lilly – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Trade talks are starting to heat up on Theodore Roosevelt Lilly (<–actual name!). He’s a three and a half ERA, low WHIP guy wherever he goes, so I wouldn’t be too worried. (BTW, don’t you think the word ‘three’ should have three E’s? Maybe it’s just me.)
Jack Cust – 2-for-3 with his 4th homer in the last week. He could hit 15 homers in the next two-plus months. Or he could strikeout 100 times. Or he could do both. I’d grab him if you’re hurting for power.
Andrew Bailey – For what it’s Wuertz, Wuertz (stutterer!) got the save as Bailey had a routine day off.
Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. Returned to the DL and then Dice-K pulled a ‘Vice-Versa’ and body switched with him. I’m sure this was partially due to rust, but Buchholz also was supposed to regress a bit, so there’s that.
Bronson Arroyo – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K. After starting Arroyo in leagues, I’m walking like I was just jumping hurdles.
Adam Dunn – 0-for-4. I hope I’m wrong, but I have the sneaking suspicion that Dunn’s average is about to bungee and the cord is going to snap.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Member when he was first called up in 2008 and we nicknamed him Jobacum because he was one part Joba (this was when Chamberlain was good) and one part Lincecum. Yeah, good times. Anyhoo, Scherzer’s now looking more like Ubaldcumo.
Randy Wolf – 5 2/3 IP, 12 ER, 15 baserunners, 4 Ks. The Brewers should buy him a Corvette for making him stay in this game.
George Kottaras – 2-for-4, and he hit his 8th homer which is twice as many as Mauer.
Carlos Gonzalez – Played for part of the game until he had to leave after reaggravating his bruised finger. Aggravating, indeed.
Yorvit Torrealba – This is a message for the Padres’ front office. Everyone else can skip to the next blurb. Padres, it’s nice that you’re winning. Your pitching is good. There’s no doubt about that. When you are batting Yorvit Torrealba 2nd in your lineup, you need to make a trade for hitting. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you have all the pieces you need. Jerry Hairston Jr. is not a leadoff man. Headley, Denorfia, Venable, Skinny Gwynn, EverCab… They’re all terrible hitters. Gaby Sanchez is better than all of them and Gaby Sanchez isn’t really that good. Okay, now go get some bats.
Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. His ERA in Coors is 3.18 and more than 2 runs better than when he’s in pitchers’ parks. Figure that shizz out.
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Sonavabench! It’s kinda easier when a player just goes totally bad. These good starts mixed in with bad starts are much more frustrating. I just know his next start isn’t going to be good. I know it in my soul. I will start him anyway.
Chad Billingsley – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. How can he pitch so poorly then so well? As Scully would say, “The truth is out there.” Wait, that’s the wrong Scully.
Marc Rzepczynski – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. I wouldn’t own him right now in any leagues. Even in my league that only uses players with the last name Rzepczynski.
Jose Bautista – The Blue Jays are taking my advice about selling high on Bautista as they take offers from some contending teams. Now it’ll be interesting to see how many actual teams will buy into Bautista when no fantasy ones will.
Carl Crawford – Day-to-day with testicular contusion, which is different than RuPaul’s testicular confusion.
Erik Bedard – Won’t pitch this year. Right now, the Erich Bedardens are showing the Bennis Carpensheeters a thing or two about staying unhealthy. Keep it real, Bedardens! Will be interesting to see if the M’s fill Bedard’s rotation spot with Chris Tillman– Oh, wait. At least the Mariners still have Adam Jones– Oh, that’s right. Yeah, trade’s still not looking so good.
Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks. He leads the AL in Ks and is 2nd in ERA. But he may not get to 10 wins. In other news, I need wins in all of my leagues. In other other news, kill me now while playing The Carpenters, “We’ve Only Just Begun” because I want to go out IRONICALLY!