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No player in MLB history has more cycles than Trea Turner. That’s wild. What’s also wild, it was his birthday yesterday. I got a cycle for my birthday one year. It was a pink Hutch Trickstar and I was able to do one trick, falling over. They used to call me The Pink Trickstar. And beat me up. This Treat Urner game brought up a lot of hurtful memories. My mom always wanted a girl, is that why she got me that stupid pink bike? Which is what I write down in my journal, so I can ask my shrink at a later date. Not only did Treat Urner (4-for-4, 4 runs) hit his 14th homer, he also added in his 17th and 18th steal. He accumulated more fantasy value in one game than Juan Soto has all year. I wanna be run over by a pink bicycle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jordy Mercer – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. Fun fact! His full name is Jordache the Merciless.

Starlin Castro – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .253. I can’t track every single player in the majors. I have an idea what all players are doing, but not exactly. With that said, Castro’s played in 76 games and has three homers in 275 at-bats?! HAHAHA, WUT. That’s out-Yandish! Out-Yandish is the act of swinging down on a ball, and making an out, like Yandy Diaz, who also happened to hit his 3rd homer in the same game. It was a very out-Yandish game.

Mike Zunino – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in a as many games. Unlike every other time I grabbed Zunino off waivers, I grabbed him on Tuesday and actually held him for Wednesday. The Smartening: starring Grey Albright.

Luis Urias – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer. What are the Brewers trying to do here? I pointed out last week that the area in their lineup between Wong and Urias was called the taint. Now they’re setting the lineup with Urias and a Willy, separated by a Christian? Hey, Brewers, you’re drunk, horny and sacrilegious and I’m about to call the police. Yesterday, the Cubs jumped out to a 7-run 1st inning lead, then thought there was some sorta forfeit rule in place and coasted for the rest of the game. Bzzt, wrongo! One of my grandmother’s favorite sayings was, “You bet your ass.” With that in mind, should you pick up Luis? You bet Urias!

Willy Adames – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs hit his 12th homer, and we had a huge breakthrough recently and no one told me about it. Something that changes everything. Something that should be marked like B.C. and A.D. That something is:  Box scores are now combining a guy’s stats after they’re traded to a different league. Woo hoo! No longer do I have to search out the number of home runs from before a trade and add it to the after. From today forward, this is 1 CBS, one year after Corrected Box Scores…Wait, was there a year zero? Any hoo! I told you about Willy Adames’s road/home splits before, and how I like him. He’ll also be in tomorrow’s Buy column, which is already available on the Patreon.

Aaron Ashby – 2/3 IP, 4 ER as he made his major league debut. You can go ahead and hate Ashby, you dirty hippie!

Nico Hoerner – Set to rejoin the Cubs this week. “Life begins,” he stopped for a dramatic pause then, “Again.”

Patrick Wisdom – Left after colliding with NFL football player, Tyrone Taylor. Wait, that might be Tyrod. To get more things of that nature and such click our fantasy football rankings. Oh, and Wisdom’s in concussion protocol, which is better than running in somewhere and leaving your brain in the car.

Jake Arrieta – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER (3 more unearned), ERA at 5.57. I kinda hate when pitchers I know someone else has in my deep leagues come away with a box scare, i.e., they give up a bunch of runs, but most are unearned. It’s not my least fave thing, but it’s a top ten pet peeves.

Emmanuel Rivera – Hit the IL with a hamate bone fracture. Shame because he was just called up, but awesome because broken hamate bones usually add 25-30 homers on a batter’s swing when they return.

Salvador Perez – 4-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .282. Sal P. hit it over the Green Monster then screamed, “And put some mozzarella on it!”

J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Just Dong because anything else is uncivilized!

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. As Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!”

Josh Donaldson – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, and his 3rd homer in three games. If you haven’t seen or heard, Donaldson called Giolito a cheater and started lamping in a Zoom meeting like he was a top five player, and not a barely top 200 player. Whatever it takes to get him fired up, because it seems like he hits better like that.

Jose Abreu – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .241. Been dogging Donaldson for not having a great season, but guess who has the same number of homers as Donaldson and a lower average? You got it, Mr. Mickey Mouse AL MVP.

Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. How much would you bet that Juan Soto hits more homers than Vaughn? He’s currently one behind Soto for reference sake. $1? $5? $100 but you would leave the country to avoid paying it?

Gavin Sheets – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st career homer as he played right field, and, as this writing, he didn’t get horribly maimed. The White Sox outfield is like The Naked Gun outfield with a tiger ready to maul perspective outfielders. Gavin Sheets looks and sounds like he’d have a season arc on Melrose Place. Someone tell Amanda to stop digging through his mail! He’s mysterious, leave it at that! Sheets is a son of a former major leaguer. Don’t worry, it’s not going to make you feel as old as you think. He’s not Ben’s son, he’s Larry’s son. And like Larry Sheets, he’s a big power, and kinda nothing else guy. Sheets is the type to get hot for a few weeks and then disappear. I’m sorta looking at Yermin Mercedes while saying that.

Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.75. The only pitcher who pitched well on Doomsday Wednesday? Methinkso.

Yasmani Grandal – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, hitting .186. But no walks in this game? What a bum!

Bobby Bradley – 2-for-6 and his 7th and 8th homer. When I told everyone to buy Bobby Bradley last Friday, you could hear a pin drop, and not from like Terminator X’s turntables, which would be followed by a “Hold it now!”

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer. He left the game after taking a foul ball off his face. Cleveland says they think he’s fine, and porn stars watching said, “That’s not how you teabag.”

Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-7 and his 12th homer. In one league, I’ve had Hernandez all year at MI, and, well, it’s been passable. Cesar’s Passable should also be what they call a Vegas trolley.

Max Fried – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.16, as he was activated from the IL. Wonder if Max ever wanted to open a fried chicken place with a Lynyrd Skynyrd theme called Fried Bird. Hmm, I will continue to think on this while I point out I don’t have Fried on any teams on purpose. Singing, “This bird you cannot label free range…” Singing fast, “…due to FDA regulations…”

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 22nd homer. Tildaddy says to press the toothpaste tube from the bottom!

Ozzie Albies – 5-for-6, 4 runs, 7 RBIs and a double slam (14, 15) and legs (11), and his 2nd and 3rd homers in the last two games. Said a few weeks ago that everyone on the Braves except Acuña was a buy low. Hope you listened. By the by, apropos of Albies, I wish all my fantasy hitters had one chance to bat against a position player.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Albombso!

David Peterson – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.40, and left with side soreness. A Man Da. Peterson can’t buy himself an oblique.

Frank Schwindel – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st major league homer. Move over Kyle Schwarber, it’s Frank Schwindel’s time now!

Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Bassitt’s so money even on a day when no pitchers are good, Bassitt’s a good boy.

Joey Gallo – 1-for-4, and his 19th homer, and 35th homer in the last week. Okay, so were Schwarber and Gallo in charge of the Olympic torch and who is Gallo passing it to next?

Kwang-Hyun Kim – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.79. I streamed Kim, which I think gets Eminem a nickel in royalties. Streamonator is iffy on him next one, and I wouldn’t touch him.

Jose Urquidy – Hit the IL with a shoulder ailment and it’s been fun but not really see ya around. I’d monocle Cristian Javier, if you’re in need of an arm, but the Astros have five starters in their rotation still without Urquidy and Javier. This just gives Odorizzi more slack.

Luis Garcia – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.14. Said this once in this post and I will say it again, I hope you didn’t have too many starters going yesterday. Any hoo! Streamonator likes Garcia’s next and I’m still in.

Cole Sulser – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.05, as he got the save. Why? Don’t you mean Fry? I don’t know. I’m sure the World Famous Brandon Hyde couldn’t even tell you. Sulser has been good, so maybe he’ll get more saves. Always been a fan of Sulser, especially love La Croix.

Kyle Seager – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .216. Not sure if you saw his homer, but let’s just say 2019 homers are still going out in Buffaloronto.

Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Gotta be a nice change of pace for him to be hitting balls out instead of in.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. I’ve all but given up on Gurriel, but that’s just when a guy gets going. I should’ve gave up on him in April.

Steven Matz – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.60. Mariners took Steven to the Matzresses.

Nick Castellanos – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .346. The Greek God of Hard Contact is making a strong case for my top 10 overall for the 2nd half of 2021, which will be out the week of the All-Star Break (earlier on the Patreon).

Blake Snell – Hit the IL with an illness. Maybe he got sick from looking at his stats.

Trent Grisham – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, one was a grand Slam Diego. Grisham treated the Reds like they are a big evil company and he was suing them in court.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 26th homer, hitting .300. The Padres in Cincy should be illegal. Dot dot dot. For having too much fun! Fun the Jewels! FTJ!

Wil Myers – 1-for-2 and his 9th homer, hitting .252. Cincy is so easy to homer in even Myers hit one out. Also, Joey Votto (2-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 10th.

C.J. Cron – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .252. Curtis Jackson hitting that one off of the Pirates. Naturally, because they’re like the Ja Rule of baseball.

Shohei Ohtani – 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.60. Yanks figured out the quickest way to not have to pitch to Ohtani.

Jared Walsh – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer, as he hit third. A lot of people were making fun of Maddon’s lineup yesterday with Ohtani leading off, and I want to ask all those people if they saw Schwarber had one of the best power months in history as a leadoff man? Schwarber must’ve left 30+ RBIs on the table by hitting leadoff. So, yeah, Ohtani leading off, weird. Right.

Aroldis Chapman – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.77. Donkey Teeth traded me Aroldis for Ketel Marte and I laughed first, but, boy, he is laughing last. Is Donkey Teeth the actual devil? Sound off in the comments. Holy eff, man, that was not how I wanted to end my night. Something is obviously wrong with Aroldis as he’s had a week off between appearances, and he’s given up six runs in the last 1 1/3 IP. Jonathan Loaisiga’s been so good, but Chad Green’s there too, and has been solid.

Domingo German – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.50. Domingo German’s name is fitting because the league is hitting him six ways from Sunday, and his off the field behavior is the wurst.

Adam Duvall – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 18th homer, and, without checking, I’m gonna say he has nine pairs of days when he’s homered, and that’s it. Never seen nothing like it. On Tuesday, I said he’d homer on Wednesday, and I’d love to tell you I’m dressed as a Swami and talking in a mildly racist accent, but Duvall homered on Tuesday. Of course, he would on Wednesday.

Joe Panik – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer as the newly acquired Marlin. No longer is the Miami Marlins’ Panik:  What are we going to do with all these hot dogs we ordered without any fans to eat them?

Bryce Harper – 3-for-5, and his 12th and 13th homer. There is life after a sore shoulder. *cough* Soto *cough*

Aaron Nola – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.44. What a bizarre line Nola had: 11 Ks, zero walks, 9 hits, 3 batted ball outs. Philly defense doesn’t spread the field as well as their cream cheese.