Will Middlebrooks was called up to step between his brother, Donnybrook, Bobby Valentine and Youuuuuuuuuk. Youuuuuuuuuk said, “Ow, my back hurts, I need the DL,” Valentine said, “Just wrap yourself in lavash, that makes everything better.” Donnybrook erupted in a public place because of needling from Sawx fans and Will Middlebrooks hits a lot of homers in the minors. Hello, Will, you be staying for dinner? I’ve prepared a nice spot at the corner spot. Please disregard the Rays embossed flatware that I have there; it was for someone else. This year in 23 games in Triple-A, Middlebrooks hit 9 homers and stole three bases. Last year, he hit 18 in Double-A in 96 games and 7 in 17 games in the low minors. Yesterday, he went 2-for-3 and stole a base. He strikes out way too much currently with little to no walks for him to come close to putting up a good average over the long haul. But long hauls are why you pay movers on Craigslist. You’re looking at short term if you lost Longoria and, for that, I say grab him in AL-Only and deep mixed leagues. If you’re in a league where you can grab Alvarez or Chris Davis, then I’d go with them right now. And, no, I never thought I’d be saying that a month ago. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Josh Beckett – Beckett will only miss one start due to his lat soreness. Lat’s all, folks.
Mark Prior – Signed by the Red Sox. Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent desperation.
Mat Gamel – Just when he was finally proving that with playing time he couldn’t hit, he torn his ACL and will miss the season. Mark down 2013 as the season Gamel can truly disappoint. With Travis Ishikawa, the Brewers planned for the worst with their 1st base backup, and by that I don’t mean they planned ahead, I mean they literally planned to have the worst backup.
Corey Hart – Due to their aforementioned planning, the Brewers hit grounders at Corey Hart, acclimating him to first. He said, “I might sneak in there…” What are you a ninja? Weeks throws it over to Ishikawa– Bam! Corey Hart just snuck in and grabbed the throw.
Ryan Braun – Might need a day or two rest after leaving yesterday’s game with a sore Achilles. Hopefully, he doesn’t have a doctor who stutters because instructing him that he needs to “heal heel” could get confusing for all parties.
Anthony Rizzo – Cubs have discussed internally how to get LaHair and Rizzo in the same lineup. Razzball Exclusive! Here’s the Cubs’ inner monologue, “Well, if we agree to off Chone Figgins for the Mariners, and they agree to off Alfonso Soriano, then no one will suspect a thing.”
Bryan LaHair – He hit his 6th homer yesterday. Hey, Cubs, don’t comb over LaHair yet!
Jeff Samardzija – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Yeah, you should pick up Samardetc. Yes, you.
Cory Luebke – Lands on the DL with elbow soreness. I want to think good thoughts here and say he’ll be fine when his DL stint is up and he’ll only miss a few starts, but I can’t say that because he’s a pitcher with pitching elbow soreness.
Chipper Jones – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Glass Chipper said yesterday that it’s a daily decision on whether he can play or not on his knee. And here I thought he woke up on Thursday and said, “I think I’m gonna have a sore knee on Tuesday.”
Brett Gardner – Shutdown from baseball-related activities for a few days. No spitting or grabbing your crotch for you!
Ryan Zimmerman – In case you missed it, Zimmerman’s return date was bumped from Sunday to Tuesday. Here’s Zimmerman at the Genius Bar, “Hey, for some reason I marked my iCal down to give me a reminder to have an injury setback every day at 2 PM, and it’s not showing up until 4.”
Roy Halladay – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER. That’s like the pitching equivalent to what Pujols has been doing for the past month.
Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 4th homer. 7 RBIs is more than some of my teams have combined all week. I will now squeeze myself into an industrial-sized microwave.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. In our AL-Only team where we lost Longoria, we had Seager back him up. With back-ups like that who needs front men? Am I right, last man standing on Blake Shelton’s team from The Voice? Though I’m simply rooting for “anyone but opera guy” to win.
Jed Lowrie – 3-for-4, 3 runs after hitting a homer yesterday. You say potato, I say hot schmotato.
Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 as he DIV/0#x’d his HR total with his first 2 HRs of the year in a 6 RBI game. He is a fantastic 3rd base play 8 times a year. If he could concentrate that in 1 week and give me a heads up, it would be appreciated.
Kelly Johnson – It was a good day to be a Johnson as Kelly hit his 6th HR while hitting leadoff for the first time this year. In retrospect, it’s odd that Bobby Cox hated this guy given their surnames are equally phallic.
Brett Lawrie – 0-for-4 as the Blue Jays scored 11 runs. Ticker tease!
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer. Coincidentally, this was the 9th time I sighed this season saying, “Why didn’t I draft Encarnacion?”
Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Been having a hard time coming around on O’s starters, but Arrieta, like a true love or a really good sandwich, is giving me something to believe in. Two weeks ago, he was in the Buy, two and a half years ago Stephen wrote about him. Member Stephen? His picture looked like Alf blowing a bubble. Anyway, grab Arrieta. It’s good for your pancreas (and fantasy baseball team).
Nick Markakis – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Sparkakis! Never has such a good rallying call been so wasted.
Matt Harrison – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 10 baserunners. My sweet lord that sucks! Hope Harrison found some inner peace while owners’ ERA and WHIP gently weep.
Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks as he outdueled Verlander, but Crow blew the win as retaliation for Sanchez’s bullpen-taxing short outings and his pranks in the bullpen that show an odd appreciation for Rollie Fingers.
Brennan Boesch – 1-for-4 with his 4th Boesch and bomb!
B.J. Upton – Should be fine after leaving yesterday’s game with cramping. Not the first time I’ve heard a B.J. pulling up short due to cramps.
Chris Schwinden – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros. In the first row at Minute Maid Park was Barbara Bush or as Schwinden would call her Babraham Lincoln.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers of the year. Yeah, and Matt Kemp poops out 6th and 7th homers for breakfast.
Jeff Suppan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Does Hodgepadre’ing know no (stutterer!) bounds? Apparently not.
J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 2nd blown save. Call me when he’s got 4 blown saves like every other closer!
Justin Upton – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs. One of the Upton’s knows how to satisfy his owners and surprisingly it’s not the one named B.J.
A.J. Burnett – 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER vs. St. Louis. Don’t mess with the Cardinals now that they got that Albertross off their team.
Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers. Looks like Berkman bit Beltran and now he’s the new Zombino.
Brian Fuentes – Recorded the save because Balfour’s been ineffective and just threw 29 pitches the day before. I speculated on Ryan Cook, because at least he’s been good, but the A’s look like they went with a known (if crappy) commodity in Fuentes. Eh, Fuentes is just a dog with different fleas and if you think he’s good, you’ve been in the monkey house too long, as Tim Gunn would say.
Heath Bell – Zero recorded outs, blown save, ERA balloons to 11.74. In the next week, one of two things will happen to Bell: Cishek or Mujica will take over the closing job or he will be traded to the Red Sox.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer which was a walk off homer to give my man Henry Rodriguez a win. Like I needed more reason to like Ian Desmond. C’mon, you tantalizer!
Stephen Lombardozzi – 1-for-3, hitting .293 in the two hole. Hold on, I wanna call Ms. Cleo of the Psychic Friends Hotline. “Hello, Ms. Cleo?” “Hey, child, how you doing with your fine moo-stache?” “Good, Ms. Cleo, question for you. What do you see happening next week with Espinosa and Lombardozzi when Zimmerman returns?” “What a good question from such a handsome, young man! Next week, Zimmerman will return and Lombardozzi will take over 2nd base and Espinosa will be sent–” Sorry, I had to cut off before I was charged the extra $1.99, but she was about to say he’d be sent down. I think Ms. Cleo’s on to something.
Jered Weaver – Threw a no-hitter with one walk and 9 Ks. It was like he was facing nine Pujolses.
