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As reported ad nauseum yesterday, Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Suburb of Los Angeles Angels yesterday.  Or the Albertaheim Pujalos, as they should now be called.  Something that wasn’t reported, with Pujols going from a Cardinal to an Angel, Dan Brown now has a new book idea.  After every home run, Pujols seemed to be pointing at God, but he was obviously pointing at the Angels.  And since it is the Christmas season, let us not forget:  When a Pujols gets a contract, an Angel gets his rings.  Someone reported how Pujols stands to make $68,493 per day.  I have an idea:  Occupy Pujols!  They’ll like that one in West Hollywood.  Okay, enough of the jibber-jabbering.

Pujols’s value doesn’t change with the new league, park or team.  He’ll get around 35 homers, 100+ runs and RBIs and .300.  In 2020, when players are using jet packs and astronaut ice cream is finally sold at stadiums, then Pujols might not be the same player, but we’ll cross that hovercraft when we come to it.  The bigger issue with Pujols, is where is everyone else playing?

The Angels have enough non-abled bodies to make a kick-ass Rock N Jock softball team.  They should sign Meatloaf!  First up, Kendrys Morales and his non-bionic leg.  Since Kendrys has been pulling a Kotchman for the last two years, there’s a chance he doesn’t even make it out of the gate, but I think we have to assume he does play in April and slots in as the DH.  Maybe Pujols gives the DH slot a little how’s your father every couple of weeks, but he’s playing the field.  Next up, Mark Trumbo and his promising future is either being moved to third base or platooning with Kendrys.  For fantasy, a move to third would be great, terrific, synonym.  But this is the Sciosciapath managing.  Ugh, I already see it getting ugly from a fantasy perspective.  I could see Scioscia playing Maicer Izturis at 3rd before Trumbo.  This is not good.  If Trumbo loses 150 at-bats without gaining 3rd base eligibility, his value goes out the metaphorical window. Then you have an even worse shituation in the outfield.  Bourjos has to play center.  Glove is too valuable.  Angels have already committed to him.  Turning back now on him would be a huge mistake/surprise/Mad Libs in something.  Plus, Bourjos is just the kind of player Scioscia loves.  So there’s two spots left for Vernon Wells, Bobby Abreu and Torii Hunter.  That’s awesome if you’re putting together a 2004 All-Star Game team.  BUT WHAT ABOUT MIKE TROUT?!  I know, Al Caps.  I hate teams and their casual lack of regard for rookies.  I’m afraid to report to you, Mike Trout’s not seeing time until 2013.  My Mike Trout 2012 fantasy is missing one caveat — what happens if they sign Albert Effin’ Pujols?  My guess is their outfield is gonna be Hunter, Bourjos and Wells with Abreu platooning in the outfield and at DH.

To recap for fantasy, Pujols is fine, Bourjos is fine, Trumbo is fine if he can play 3rd which seems unlikely, Kendrys is fine if he’s healthy, Abreu is not fine, Mike Trout is not fine.  Ideally, the lineup will look like this:  1. CF Bourjos 2. 2B Kendrick 3. 1B Pujols 4. RF Hunter 5. 3B Trumbo 6. DH Morales 7. LF Wells 8. C Iannetta 9. SS Aybar.  That’s what you’re hoping for if you have Trumbo in a keeper, at least.  Anyway, here’s some more Winter Meeting moves and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – More fall out from Pujols’s signing has Berkman moving to first base.  Might keep his legs a little fresher, but the loss of Pujols from the lineup sorta leaves a foul odor on the whole team no matter how fresh someone’s legs are.  Mike Matheny’s mother, “You’re gonna manage a World Series team?!  That’s so amazing!  Wait until I tell your Uncle Morty!”  Uncle Morty Matheny, “Pujols is gone!  He lost his whole team, Marilyn!”  That’s the Matheny’s over the holidays.  Allen Craig stands a shot of inheriting a starting job, but he has to get healthy first.  Right now, he’s out 4-6 months from knee surgery.  That leaves…um…uh…Skip Schumaker?  Okay, team’s a slight mess, but everyone loves an underdog, except Dr. Simon Bar Sinister.

Alex Gonzalez – Signed on with the Brewers.  But how about Pujols signing with the Angels?!  All right, enough of that.  You know who has a sad emoticon for the Alex Gonzalez signing?  Yuniesky Betancourt.  “But I could’ve done the same as Gonzalez with two less homers!”  That’s Yuniesky as he watches the Brewers throw his bags out on the curb.  Gonzalez is not someone you intend to ever have on your fantasy team, except once a year when he’s hot and hits a few homers in a week.

Ian Stewart – Mini Mini Donkey rises from the ashes!  Brays to Theo Epstein!  Maybe a change a scenery can fix what ails Stewart, though is there any record of a change of scenery ever fixing anything?  Isn’t that the oldest cliche about how you can’t run from your problems?  I mean, I may not be smart enough to run a major league club, but I am smart enough to pay attention to what a freakin’ fortune cookie tells me.

Nolan Arenado – Stewart leaving opens the door in Colorado for a possible Nolan Arenado infusion.  He will get a post all to himself next week, unless the Rockies sign someone else.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Tyler Colvin – Went to the Rockies in exchange for Stewart.  This trade is like when you order something gross and your friend has something unappetizing and you switch plates.  Hey, people have different tastes!  Though usually your friend’s entree is nasty too.  During last year’s preseason, Matthew Berry said Colvin would hit 40 homers.  Maybe Berry’s a time traveler and got his years confused and now that Colvin is in Coors he’ll hit 40 homers.  Or maybe he’ll platoon as a 4th outfielder, hit 15 homers and bat .230.  You just don’t know until they play the games.  Though if Berry’s a time traveler, it would help explain why he’s still recycling jokes from the early 90’s.

  1. chata says:

    gus dominguez has served his time …. no thanks to yuniesky betancourt .
    kicked to the curb ?
    you’re lucky you don’t get hit by a bus … you piece of shizz .

  2. amalric7 says:

    Ooh! I have a new ‘term’ for you:-

    “Lite Speed” – a player who has a ton of speed for base stealing, but who has no idea how to steal bases. See Dexter Fowler (12SB, 9CS).

    I did think “Sh^te Speed” might be more appropriate, but it’s slightly ultimately inappropriate. Fowler was also the first guy I could think of, but the minor leagues must be full of them.

  3. amalric7 says:

    ‘Slightly ultimately’? Yeah, I’m having a back operation in five hours, so I’m wired. And I’m in the UK, if you’re wondering who does back ops at that hour of the morning!

  4. wiudavis says:

    The Cubs just wanted to silence all the Pujols/Angels talk by making a big splash as well. Where are we going to spend all of our money? Come on Theo, we are used to large unexplainable contracts. Ian Stewart 2012 sleeper post?

  5. Tony says:

    I dont know if others are having trouble but everytime i click to bring razzball up i have to open and close it like 6 times before it finally loads all the way.

    Yesterday was a big day. Pujols in an Angels uni is going to be weird.

  6. The Talented Mr. Dope Man says:

    I’m a chicago guy, (Sox fan though… [sad emoticon for the next 3-5 seasons]). I like the Stewart signing for the Cubs. there will be absolutely no expectations for him to do anything at all.. And when the wind’s blowing out at wrigley, he’ll be poppin’ balls over the ivy.

  7. Jeff Jaffee says:


  8. Grey

    Grey says:

    @chata: Ha

    @amalric7: Hmm… I’ll run it by Rudy. No pun intended.

    @amalric7: Wow, good luck with the operation!

    @wiudavis: Seems like an odd player for Theo to get, no?

    @Tony: Really? That stinks, loads fine for me. I’ll see if I can get to the bottom of it.

    @The Talented Mr. Dope Man: I guess, but he could’ve done that in Coors and didn’t exactly.

  9. Jeff Jaffee says:

    Just wanted you to know that this column is the best roto journalism in the world of the mentally challenged group we are. You guys are extremely funny, very insightful, and just as accurate, if not more so, than the “serious” experts. Thanks for being there. By the way, Arte Moreno should be commended for emptying the bank on Albert and C.J. and bringing the Analenos the greatest Christmas present ever, but both contracts are backloaded with alot of expensive nothingness that can’t be unloaded.

  10. Ethan Stein says:

    Is Coach really going to win Survivor? After seeing every season except one, I may have to ditch the show if that funker wins. The only people they have built up this season left are Ozzy, Brandon, and Coach.

  11. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Jeff Jaffee: Thanks for the kind words! Agreed about the contracts, but if they win a World Series or two in the beginning a lot will be forgiven.

    @Ethan Stein: It really looks like Coach is gonna win. Agreed about building people up. I thought Albert was gonna win a few weeks ago, but they haven’t been building him up at all.

  12. royce! says:

    The Rays just locked up Matt Moore for up to 8 years (5 years for 14 mil, plus multiple team options, totaling a potential for just under 40 mil for 8 years).

    If this was in fantasy baseball, teams would be trying to get the commissioner to veto the deal.

  13. Wake Up says:

    Love the Dan Brown conspiracy comparison…
    West Hollywood occupy…well played…
    put them both together you get…
    The Pearl Rosary…

  14. Ethan Stein says:

    If Coach or Ozzie win, they will have to do something about the show – it will be the second time in a row an alumn comes in and (at least with Coach) has everyone kissing their Pujols. They will need to do something about having interesting story lines, but people worshiping survivor stars is not one of them.

  15. Wake Up says:

    @royce!: I know. The Rays should have kept the “Devil” because they are like the anti-Angels.

  16. Ethan Stein says:

    I thought Cochran or the Mormon woman were going to win, or make it to the finals, since they both had compelling story lines.

  17. royce! says:

    @Wake Up: That and it was bad ass. I’m still annoyed by their totally caving with the name change. Is it now supposed to be a ray of light? I’m pretty sure that sunshine is not menacing, though if the world continues to get hotter, maybe it will be. Dang, the Rays are always thinking ahead! They’ll melt your icecaps!

  18. Grey

    Grey says:

    @royce!: Good for the Rays, they run a smart club.

    @Wake Up: Ha… Thanks!

    @Ethan Stein: Agreed, I’m not crazy about Redemption either. I want people voted out out and I want new people every season to make it compelling, not some past agenda from past contestants. Feels like a ploy for a dumbed down audience.

    @Steve in NYC: He’ll be less than the Pujols we know by 2016…

  19. Tony says:

    @Grey: its been like this for a while, i just haven’t mentioned it…. it basically freezes before everything loads for me.

  20. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Tony: What are you using? Mac or PC? IE or Firefox?

  21. mic says:

    @Tony: get a Mac for Christmas…

  22. Wake Up says:

    @royce!: Thinking ahead alright. Longoria, Moore, Price (6 year, $8.5 million)(B Zito made $18.5 million for 2011 alone) among others. Not to mention that they will soon enough be the Tampa Keys, while Miami will be underwater(literally and financially).

  23. OaktownSteve says:

    I am drafting Howard Kendrick everythewhere

  24. Wake Up says:

    @royce!: Angels-lite?

  25. Grey

    Grey says:

    @OaktownSteve: Me too, may just take him in the 3rd round to make sure I get him.

  26. chata says:

    @Ethan Stein:

    yeah … the show gets worse every year .

    still sticking with sophie to win it all ,
    though ozzie’s probably america’s favorite (which also gets worse every year).

    sort of an extension of the american idol’s 13-18 year olds demographic …
    which couldn’t get any worse … unless they combined it with that
    “screaming cow” bitch from that dance show .

    @ Grey … could you change the name on this comment , just in case
    the wife comes home and sees what i’ve been up to ?

  27. The Talented Mr. Dope Man says:

    @Jeff Jaffee: in 2016 the angels will owe Pujols, CJ, and Weaver 20+ Million … EACH!!!!!!

  28. Tony says:

    @Grey: PC/IE….

    @The Talented Mr. Dope Man: they’re loving these deals now, but have set themselves up for financial doom in a few years… everyones going to be old and worthless, they seriously may have to just straight up eat contracts, cut guys and pay them….

  29. Grey

    Grey says:

    @chata: Are you serious?

    @Tony: Thanks!

  30. The Talented Mr. Dope Man says:

    I just pulled off my first trade of the off-season… I was looking to dump salary, and i think i accomplished it (although i obviously over paid).

    I gave:
    Kelly Johnson ($18), Brett Gardner ($31), and Nick Swisher ($23)

    I got:
    Derek Holland ($9), and Mike Carp ($10).

    this is a 12tm AL only.

    I like the deal. didn’t really want to give up Swisher, but he was the only one that i gave up that i was actually contemplating on keeping. I like Holland and Carp’s upside this year as well.


  31. Grey

    Grey says:

    @The Talented Mr. Dope Man: It’s not a bad deal for Carp. Like I said, not crazy about Holland, but it’s a decent enough gamble that could pay off.

  32. Steve says:

    Nice use of the phrase ‘how’s-your-father’. Very old school.

  33. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: Bringing it back!

  34. Cole says:

    Since Moore is locked up long term, do you think he will win a rotation spot to start the year? If so I still don’t see him pitching much over 150-60 innings, but it would get him drafted everywhere.

  35. chata says:

    did i read that vernon wells will make more money this year , than pujols ?

    can’t imagine that the price of parking , or hot dogs , is going to go down .

    wonder if moreno was buying into that whole mayan prediction thing .

  36. Tony says:

    @cole: i dont see how they sign a guy to long term and not give him a spot in the rotation….

  37. Tony says:

    @chata: they signed a 150 million per year for the next 20 years tv deal…. LAA are set…. they can do this again next year. SICKENING, very fair to the smaller markets. I hate sports sometimes. Or my parents, they had to be from OHIO.

  38. Cole says:

    I hear Pujols prayed about where he should go and God told him to take more money

  39. chata says:


    i don’t regret , for one moment , pujols receiving large amounts of money .
    humanitarian-wise , there’s a better chance that he will do ‘good’ with his riches than cheap-skates like tiger woods and michael jordan .

  40. royce! says:

    Any thoughts on the Cahill trade? Seems like the A’s are resigned to not making the playoffs until Pujols slows down, so they traded a guy with 4 years of team control for a guy with 6. The Oakland A’s: “2017 is ours!”

  41. Grey

    Grey says:

    @royce!: That’s a great trade for the A’s. My thoughts on Cahill are well known, Parker’s a great arm.

  42. chata says:


    not a big cahill fan , myself .
    glad that we “went to Jarrod’s” .

  43. sean says:

    @Grey: @royce!: Cahill could be a roster able fifth in the desert though, right? I mean look at what Ian freaking Kennedy did out there in the lovely NL West, and he was a quad-A Yankee.

  44. Wake Up says:

    @sean: Cahill’s also going from one of the best pitcher’s parks to one of the best HR parks and he can’t strike anyone out. Don’t like the Kennedy comparison at all. Kennedy has always had decent K #’s and his success last year wasn’t really out of nowhere. Many, myself included, were on this very site since April saying that he was an every start pitcher.

  45. Grey

    Grey says:

    @sean: Agree with Wake Up.

  46. stumanji says:

    Grey, need your help. I co-manage a keeper team with a buddy; we keep 6 (draft position does not matter) and he is absolutely adamant that we can’t let Trout go. I’m less convinced since we could potentially be keeping a guy that will sit on our bench all year.

    Potential keepers are: McCann, Adrian Gonzalez, Phillips, Nellie Cruz, Trout, Choo, King Felix, Ian Kennedy, Ricky Romero, and Josh Johnson. Gotta keep 6 of these guys.

    Which 6 to keep? And what do I tell my buddy to convince him to let Trout walk?

    12 team roto and standard categories except OPS (instead of BA) and Quality Starts (instead of Wins).

  47. Grey

    Grey says:

    @stumanji: A-Gon, Cruz, Phillips, Felix, McCann are definites… I could see Trout being a keeper or one of the other SPs. If the Angels get rid of Abreu or Wells, then Trout starts and he’s definite a keeper. You have time to decide?

  48. stumanji says:

    @Grey: Yea I have time, we have our “winter meetings” Jan 28th.

    Do you have a strategy of keeping positional players vs SPs? I really like both Kennedy & Romero and was thinking about letting Cruz walk due to his inability to stay healthy. Bad move? Are solid SPs usually easier to redraft?

  49. DWRlovesKAR_OLR says:

    Say you are in the fourth round of a standard 12 team mix league draft.
    You have already drafted your 1st baseman and two OF’s.
    Lets say Ryan Zimmerman and Jay Bruce are both on the board. Who would you go with?
    Would picking a 3rd OF by the 4th round be too many? with a minimum of five OFs(or six) if I use it on the utility slot.
    Is third base a position you will be punting this year?

  50. Grey

    Grey says:

    @stumanji: I’d prefer hitters, especially ones that are good as Cruz when he’s healthy.

    @royce!: That could happen if you think about the demographic of fantasy baseball. I’m just playin’, fellas!

    @DWRlovesKAR_OLR: Zimmerman… 3rd OF in the 4th round is too much. No, it’s not a position to punt.

  51. royce! says:

    @Grey: How dare you!

  52. Grey

    Grey says:

    @royce!: Albert called Jered Weaver Jeff at the press conference — ha!

  53. Simply Fred

    simply fred says:

    MIL lineup looking weak. Hadn’t heard any rumors.

  54. Eddy says:

    That Braun news absolutely floored me. Jesus. MIL is bucked for the first 50 games.

    Can they revoke his NL MVP?

    I’m sure there are thousands who got boned because they had him tabbed as their keeper.

    Is he even DRAFTABLE!?


  55. Trevor

    tggq21 says:

    Wow, Give that MVP to KEMP. He deserved it in the first place!
    black n yellow

  56. Grey

    Grey says:

    @simply fred: There’s always Casey McGehee!

    @Eddy: Drops to the 10th roundish. Just wow.

    @tggq21: That’s what I’m saying! Black n yellow.

  57. royce! says:

    @Grey: Only one chance to make a first impression. Oh, wait, in 5 PA against Weaver, he’s hit a HR, and walked twice. (I wish I knew which PA was the HR).

    My guess on the Braun situation is that, unbeknownst to him, his t-shirt line is partially made out of steroids. Could happen to anyone!

  58. Steve says:

    Dirty cheating bastard. F*** him and the horse he rode in on.

  59. Grey

    Grey says:

    @royce!: Very true

    @Steve: Horse? More like a jackass.

  60. Steve says:

    And 50 games? What a nonsense. A lot of other sports, a drug cheat is gone for much longer than that. Baseball might think it’s tough on drugs, but it’s kidding itself. Laughable.

  61. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: What’s laughable is getting caught when you can just do HGH and they don’t test for it. When you have millions of dollars at your disposable at least you can do is have the decency to do something that won’t be caught.

  62. Steve says:

    I thought they did test for it now? If they don’t, that’s the real joke.

  63. Schmohawks Bob says:

    I have Braun in a keeper league at $25. Damn him.

  64. Schmohawks Bob says:

    Same NL only league I also have (had) Pujols. Won the league last year. Not going to be as easy this year.

  65. Aaron says:

    @Grey: We have all tried to swing that trade on the new guy.

  66. Aaron says:

    @Aaron: the Jered/Jeff Weaver thing.

    Shame about Braun. I think synthetic testosterone is actually harvested inside of boar semen (and then isolated).

  67. Scalez says:

    Can’t believe Braun is a Jewcer.

  68. chata says:


    i haven’t heard what drug he tested positive for , other than this :

    “A second test on the sample revealed that the testosterone was exogenous, or from outside Braun’s body, meaning it was generated by synthetic substance.”

    I can believe it .
    I experienced a similar “enhancement” from Hai Karate after-shave lotion ,
    back in the day .
    In addition to getting a lot of tail , I found that I had to kick the shizz
    out of a boat-load of guys who got pizzed off at me for borrowing their
    women .

    Keeper League ?
    I’m buying …. especially in leagues without contractual limits on longevity .

  69. chata says:


    how’d you like to be the beat reporter for the mariners ?
    (i stole this from cbs) :
    Ichiro no longer a leadoff man?: Mariners manager Eric Wedge told on Tuesday that he has talked to OF Ichiro Suzuki about moving him out of the leadoff spot in 2012. “I’m still not sure where I’m going to hit him in the order and I want him to understand that,” Wedge said. “Because ultimately I’m going to do what is best for our club. I’m going to put out the best nine in the order I see fit to score as many runs as we can. If I feel like that is him leading off, then that’s what we’re going to do. If I feel like that’s him hitting in the three-hole, then that’s what I’m going to do. If it’s him hitting somewhere else, then that’s what I’m going to do.” Suzuki had the worst season of his career in 2011, hitting only .272 with a .645 OPS. “Last year was tough because it wasn’t a prototypical year for him,” Wedge said. “I haven’t been around him in a prototypical year. I’m hoping to be around him this year in a prototypical year.”
    (Updated 12/06/2011)

    did you get all that ??

    a) eric wedge is on crystal meth
    b) ichiro’s translator ??? you poor freakin’ sap . go home and take your
    chances with the nuclear fallout .

  70. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: I think they start in 2012.

    @Schmohawks Bob: Wow, nope…

    @Aaron: Who’s isolating it? That’s the real shame.

    @Scalez: Ha!

    @chata: Ha!

    @chata: Now we see what Wedge has done in the offseason. He’s been talking for two months on one subject.

  71. Anthony says:

    @Grey: Do you know a good website to do fantasy baseball mock drafts? I know about mockdraftcentral but your only limited to 3 a week unless you have a paid subscription. Please let me know asap

  72. Wake Up says:

    Big news! Braun says he’s innocent. Looks like it was a false alarm. Carry on.

  73. chatas says:


  74. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Wake Up: Yeah, he should get Bonds’s attorney.

  75. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:

    Perhaps it’s just because I really want to, but I kind of believe Braun. The fact that it was a banned substance and not a PED is buying him some slack with me. I hope the article Rosenthal will be posting later today clears things up a bit more.

    The sad part is that I wasn’t really shocked… and I don’t think there’s a single name that would actually shock me anymore. And I think Jeter is the only name that would truly disappoint me (as a Yankee fan, it would hurt to see the long time captainship tarnished).

    You watch Real World yet?

  76. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Awesomus Maximus: I was pretty shocked but maybe that’s being naive. I watched both episodes. Few thoughts: Damn, if Priscilla was legal on the Real World she could’ve been fun to watch. I’m almost as sick as watching Frank as Zach and Ashley are of being his roommate and I’m not looking forward to him being on the next challenge (guessing he will be).

  77. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:

    @Grey: Frank has got some truly serious issues… possibly the craziest roommate of all time. He’s basically stalking Ashley and Zach, and his delusions seemingly have no bounds. My favorite? “I’ve been nothing but nice!” Umm… screaming drunken epithets, smashing housewares, leaving scumbags in the communal shower… I think those qualify as something other than “nice.”

  78. chatas says:

    @Awesomus Maximus:

    you guys make that show as appealing as it’s ever going to be .

  79. royce! says:

    Rumor has it that Braun’s testosterone was twice as high as the highest result they had ever seen, casting doubt on the test’s accuracy.

    I prefer to think of him as the Super Mensch!

  80. royce! says:

    @Grey: He’s got the Will to (isolated) Power!

    Nietzsche jokes! Oh happy day!

  81. The talented MR. Deez Nuts says:


    just pulled off trade #2 of the off-season. Again, i was trying to dump some salary and get down to my 15 player “protected list” amount…

    I gave:
    Jared Weaver ($29) and Ervin Santana ($19)

    I got:

    Carlos Santana ($2)

    I was actually planning on keeping both of those players, but to get santana at $2, i had to give some decent players. With the news that Santana might be traded (and this an AL only league). Figured i’d take the chance.

    Can’t wait for baseball season!

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