The Cardinals acquired Paul Goldschmidt for Luke Weaver, Carson Kelly and Andrew Young.  Or as they’re known in St. Louis, “Giggle, giggle, WUT.”  I’ll go over the “Giggle, giggle WUT” part of the trade after the lede jump.  As for Goldschmidt, Au Shizz was “aw shizz” until the beginning of June last year, as he hit .144 in May.  However, Au Shizz’s BABIP in May was .186, and his strikeouts boomed to 31.5%, because he was in an extended slump.  He still ended the season more valuable (33/7/.290) than, say, Freddie Freeman who played 162 games (23/10/.309).  Au Shizz still feels pretty risk-free, like you getting to the airport four hours before your flight.  At least less risky than your November charity pledge to go “condom free” or dressing as Jar Jar Binks for a Star Wars convention.  For 2019, I’m giving Au Shizz the projections of 102/30/105/.284/8 in 574 ABs.  He also scrambles up the Cards’ infield a bit.  Carpenter picks up his tools and screws Gyorko out of a 3rd base job, and Jedd’s on the wrong side of the Wong 2nd base platoon.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2019 fantasy baseball:

Carson Kelly – The catching prospect who was blocked by Yadier heads to the Diamondbacks, where the most knowledgable fans in baseball can exclaim, “We got the host of The Voice?!  Oh em gee, I need another jello shot, go ASU!”  If the Diamondbacks traded for Carson just so they could trade for Eugenio for the magical tandem of Carsenio, then I take back everything bad I’ve said about the Diamondbacks.  Now let’s bang that gong and shake our groove thing!  Kelly should be Arizona’s starting catcher, and he has a career line of zero homers while hitting .154 in 63 games, so, um, lowercase yay.  Nah, he’s actually not a total bust yet.  He hasn’t had a chance, and could get into 15 HRs and can take a walk, so, basically, he could be a top ten catcher.  I’m buying as a flyer.  For 2019, I’ll give him the projections of 52/14/59/.249 in 487 ABs with a chance for more.

Luke Weaver – The last piece of the Goldy trade I will cover.  (You can ask Prospector Mike about Andrew Young.)  Weaver has been pretty broken thus far in his career.  He’s thrown 233 IP and has a 4.79 ERA.  Of course, he has a 9.2 K/9, 3.89 xFIP and actually gained velocity last year.  He really needs to get his changeup working again, it was not last year.  He threw it almost 25% of the time and it was gross.  What’s grosser than gross?  Ice gross!  Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! Any hoo!  Weaver is a 25-year-old with promise and I could see the very late flyer, but he needs to fix his command and change. For 2019, I’ll give him the projections of 8-13/4.23/1.34/154 in 164 IP.

Merrill Kelly – Diamondbacks signed this 30-year-old to a two-year deal out of Korea.  You know him, don’t you?  He was the guy who started the phrase, “Merrill, Merrill, Merrill, life is but a dream.”  *intern whispers in my ear*  I’m told this is not true.  Merrill began the phrase, “The more the Merrill–”  No?  That’s not it either?  Harumph.  By the way, the more the merrier, except when you’re paying for your own wedding.  That’s how that saying goes.  So, Merrill Kelly is a wash-out MLB pitcher who found success in Asia the last few years.  Yes, the Diamondbacks are trying to catch Miles Mikolas in a bottle.  So, samesies?  Not exactly, and not just because Mikolas has a dope-ass mustache.  Mikolas dominated Japan, Kelly pitched decently in Korea.  Decently is not dominating, in case that wasn’t clear.  Kelly feels like an okay bet for 190 IP, and maybe a 4.25 ERA, if he’s lucky.  For 2019, I’ll give Merrill Kelly projections of 9-11/4.36/1.33/141 in 185 IP.

Carlos Santana – Traded to the Mariners.  He was a part of the Jean Segura trade, but, since that happened late on a Sunday night, all the players weren’t yet confirmed, so the other parts of that deal were in my Robinson Cano fantasy.  Here’s a few lines from The Rime of the Ancient Mariners, “There once was a man from Nantucket, Carlos Santana and Jay Bruce are so bad they can suck it. Their 2nd baseman is Dee Gordon, since they won’t ever win.  If this year was a bunt, John Smoltz would f**k it.”  For 2019, I’ll give Carlos Santana the projections of 71/22/80/.232/2 in 543 ABs.

Anthony Swarzak – Was included in one of the deals the Mariners did, I’ve lost track.  I’m mentioning him now, because, with the shipping of Nicasio to the Phils, Swarzak is the closer as of right now.  Of course, you need to have the lead in a game for that to matter.  Since the M’s don’t seem done dealing and/or wheeling, I’m not projecting Swarzak yet. For all we know, Matt Davidson might be the Mariners’ closer by April.

Robinson Chirinos – Signed with the Astros.  You know why this move was necessary?  The Astros had to fill-in McCann.  Hehe.  Damn it, that never gets old (for me)!  If the Astros have a type at catcher, I’d say Uh-oh Chirinos is exactly their type.  Won’t play more than 115 games, will hit a decent amount of homers and not much on average.  For 2019, I’ll give him the projections of 44/20/68/.213/1 in 384 ABs.

Chris Owings – Signed with the Royals.  His career numbers are 31 HRs, 70 SBs and .250, which is also everyone’s 2019 projections for Adalberto Mondesi.  Hopefully, Mondesi doesn’t need 1960 ABs like Owings did.  As for Owings, I like him in very deep leagues if he has a starting job, but he doesn’t yet, so I’m gonna hold off on projections for now.

Pedro Alvarez – Signed a deal with the Marlins.  With Peter O’Brien, Alvarez, Brian Anderson and Martin Prado, Jeter has assembled the most DHs for an NL team ever.  Maybe because Jeter couldn’t play defense.  Ooh, burn.  I kinda like this deal for Alvarez’s fantasy value, if he can get playing time.  He’s the type that could hit 25+ homers in barely 100 games.  Of course, he needs to leapfrog all the other names I just mentioned, we’ll see before projecting him.

Patrick Corbin – Signed a deal with the Nats.  I guess that makes him *pinkie to mouth* Nat K’ing Corbin.  The Nats said this move would not preclude them from signing Bryce Harper.  They said this after Harper said, “You’re not signing me.”  Damn, Harper dropping truth bombs.  I’ll drop a truth bomb now about Patrick Corbin, I called him a sleeper last year, and he went out and had his best season of his career.  Any free agents out there want me to call them sleepers?  I will take less than your agents.  Actually, I’ll take whatever you’ll offer.  Free Jiffy Pop?  Done and done!  I often go the Saberhagenmetrics route with pitchers, i.e., if they have a good last year, I don’t love them next year.  Corbin, however, I still like.  He added an above average curveball, and had the league’s best slider.  These two factors helped a 90-ish MPH fastball be around the 25th best fastball in the league.  Play off of an intense slide piece and everything is better.  It’s kinda like how any song at a bar mitzvah is better after The Electric Slide.  For 2019, I’ll give Corbin the projections of 14-6/3.09/1.07/226 in 202 IP.