Jeff Niemann has always been a sell in your eyes. The light, the heat… Your eyes. The low K-rate, the walks… Your eyes. The luck with homers per fly balls, the tough division… Your eyes. So why am I saying Niemann’s a buy? Am I sniffing the devil’s dandruff and just need to talk while I rub my gums? Am I going through my blue period filled with self-loathing and blueberries? Nay, horsey. Niemann’s cut his walks, hasn’t been getting lucky this year and his low K-rate is still low. Okay, so it’s not all peaches and cream. But the Rays are also about to go against the A’s, M’s (or the AM’s as in their bats are asleep) and peasant Royals for a few weeks. He might get the Blue Jays in the middle of that run, but you can pay that bridge toll when you get an E-Z Pass, or whatever that cliche is. I’m not Niemann’s biggest fan, but for the next month he should look good… In your eyes. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Phil Hughes – Actually pretty surprised all that Noo Yawk hype hasn’t raised Hughes over the 50% ownership mark. Ya’ll must be still basking in your dirty water dogs and Jeter’s 3,000 hit. “During Jeter’s tremendous accomplishment, when no one was looking, I chipped off a piece of the Pesci pole. Now it’s framed above the coke spoon I used with Dale Berra.”
James McDonald – Some smarter-than-thou commenter pointed out to me that McDonald has 23 Ks in his last 24 1/3 innings while lowering his ERA from 4.86 to 4.15 in the last month. We have the best commenters (except Lance Berkman; he only wants to talk about himself).
Brandon Belt – Just went over my Brandon Belt fantasy. I wrote it while contemplating the meaning of life and eating Cheetos.
Edwin Encarnacion – His hot hitting — or hotting, if you enjoy portmanteaus — has my heart stopped…. captured…. arrested… It’s a case of Edwin Incarceration.
Michael Martinez – Since I’ve been talking about the smooth stylings of Michael Martinez and his speed, his ESPN ownership has gone up from 0.1% to 1.3%. Razzball — we’re the one-point-two percenters!
Jose Altuve – His speed/power combo and five-four frame makes me feel like I’m the only mustached girl in the world.
Jason Kipnis – He was in this morning’s post. If you scroll down real fast, you can still catch it.
Carlos Guillen – You wouldn’t be as cruel to make me come up with something positive to say about Guillen. He’s healthy and hitting, let’s leave it at that.
Ezequiel Carerra – Has crazy speed, but he may not have a job for long. Better grab him before his rumspringa is over.
Lorenzo Cain – Warm it up, Cain — he’s about to! Or is he? No, he is. He should be promoted shortly. If you don’t know how I feel about Cain, welcome to the site. Can I offer you some tea? Crumpets? On the right side there are ads, on the left there is archives. Allow me to search for you, “(Cain) has 20+ steal speed and some light pop (over the course of a season). Worst case scenario, he’s unownable and while you’re dropping him to waivers you throw out your back and end up in traction.” And that’s me quoting and adding addendums to me!
Kyle Blanks – Just went over my Kyle Blanks fantasy. I wrote it while in line for cucumbers at Souplanation.
Jarrod Saltamalacchia – The nicest thing I can say about Saltymochachino is he’s currently hitting. The worst thing I can say is he kicks puppies. The former is substantiated, the latter is not.
Edward Mujica – I said on Tuesday that I thought Mujica would be the Marlins closer, then Jack McKeon read that and said the same thing. Hey, I see eye-to-eye with an 112-year-old! “Bleh, that big band music is big noise! Give me some Yankee Doodle Dandy!”
Javy Guerra – He’s the Dodgers closer… You, “Buh-buh-buh-but Grey, what about Broxton?” The guy who hasn’t pitched effectively in over a year? Nope. You, “Buh-buh-buh-but Grey, what about Kuo?” The guy who started walking around the clubhouse in a burlap sack because he went crackers? Nope.
Jason Isringhausen – I’d still continue to hold Bobby Parnell, in the non-sexual way. Unless he’s giving you bedroom eyes, then make him feel welcome on your team.
Antonio Bastardo – Right this very instant he’s the Phils closer, but he might not be by the time you finish this sent–
SELL
Jason Bay – Since we’re in the time of the year where you need to be trading away players no matter who they are if you need pieces for your team, the Sell is going to be more of a Drop, but it’s going to keep its Sell name because it already has monogrammed towels. As for Bay, he’s the conductor on the suckwagon. Find someone else.
Matt Capps – You guys had some good times, if you define ‘good’ by a lousy ERA and some saves, but, in most leagues, it’s time to move on.
Colby Rasmus – Deep leagues need to be more prudent about who they drop, assuming I’m using the word prudent correctly. Rasmus is hitting like he’s Jon Jay’s agent trying to get him a bigger contract.
Alex Rios – Member when you drafted him in March? You were so happy with yourself. Now you blame him for his poor hitting. When do you blame yourself? Your fantasy loyalty to him was too much pressure.
Bobby Abreu – He’s hitting one-something in the last month. Listen, you’ll always have the summers on the Cape with his brothers, Jack and Teddy Abreu.
