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The other day I stumbled on this: Highest average for a 22-year-old in the past 100 years (min 300 PA): .406 Ted Williams; .358 Freddie Lindstrom; .357 Stan Musial; Luis Arraez; .346 Joe DiMaggio — four Hall of Famers and Arraez. Since that faithful day (three days ago), I’ve been on Team Arraez. I’ve called six local-area Spanish restaurants and asked them to change “arroz” to “Arraez.” I called a local biker bar, where the Spanish Kings Motorcycle Club hangs out, and asked them to change the “mind eraser” to the “Mind Arraez” and asked them to tell people it’s “mind” as in to pay attention to like, “Mind the Gap.” Finally, I called the Kiwanis Club of Madrid and said, “Hola, yo quiero Arraez to tengo a key-o to the ciudad.” In each case, the person I talked to said either, “What?” or “¿Que?” and hung up on me, which is why I’m here to tell you all about Arraez! Wait! Don’t hang up! I’m not done yet! With a minimum of 300 PAs, Arraez has the lowest strikeout rate in the major leagues (8.5%), and his walk rate is around top 50 (10.3%). No one in the league is particularly interested in OBP — sorry, Michael Lewis! — but Arraez would be top 5 in OBP if he qualified. Not exactly a guy who gives a ton of power or speed, which hurts his 5×5 redraft value, but he gets a ton of hits, and I got this stupid Team Arraez jersey and I was obliged to shine a light on him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Austin Nola – As of Wednesday, Austin Nola was ranked 85 on the 30-day Player Rater for hitters and Aaron Nola was ranked 85th for pitchers. Though, Austin’s been way more valuable, in general. That is what we call as crazy-as-the-moment-that-male-squirrels-realize-they-have-nuts-on-their-body.
Ji-Man Choi – Fun fact! In South Korea, the Feds are called, Ji-Men, and they laugh, Hehe-seop. Any hoo! Choi is currently hot.
Nick Solak – Big Nick Energy pulling in all the ladies and guys who likes ladies and ladies who like ladies and they’s who like they’s and him/her/he/she’s who like him/her/he/she’s! Big Nick Energy’s satisfying them all! Especially if they play fantasy baseball.
Cavan Biggio – In about a half a season, he went about 15/15 and he’s the 4th most interesting Jay — Boba Chette, Vlad Jr and Jay from the Adnan Syed case. If he’s innocent, why is Jay still lying after all of these years? That’s interesting! Then Cavan is 4th.
Howie Kendrick – If only I could tell what Howie’s going to do in the upcoming week…*wavy lines indicating a dream sequence* An Asian man strokes his wispy beard and looks into his crystal ball, “I am simply reading the future, nothing more. Okay, Howie Kendrick is retired and living in Ahoskie, North Carolina.” What year is this, old Asian man? “I’m only 89 years old, so easy on the ageism. And this is 2019.” You’re seeing 2019? “No, I thought you were asking what year it was. I’m seeing the year 2033.” *wavy lines* Worst dream sequence ever!
Ben Zobrist – When Ben and his wife split, I wonder if he tried to get her back one last time by playing In Your Eyes on a boombox and she was like, “Are you saying you want me to sing that?” And he was like, “God no,” and that was it.
Nico Hoerner – Already gave you my Nico Hoerner fantasy. It was written while riding a longboard pretending I was Moana.
Mauricio Dubon – The other day Prospector Itch said, “Dubon’s probably not as good as his .302/.345/.477 AAA line, but he’s popped 20 home runs and stolen ten bags across 123 games and should be tracked in all leagues, unless it’s a Hunger Games-themed league and you’re tracking down Grey to kill him. In that case, good luck!” Hey, c’mon!
Kyle Lewis – People are constantly clamoring for my brain custard. Not just zombies. I mean, people people like people people. It’s because of the brilliant lights of smarts zimmy-zamming in my neurons. Well, I don’t really know about Lewis — zimmy-zamming neurons or not. I do trust Podcaster Ralph and on this week’s show he was talking up Lewis in a big way.
Kyle Tucker – Already gave you my Kyle Tucker fantasy. It was written while on hold with the cable company.
Randal Grichuk – You know what Grichuk is making me? Left Side of Brain, “Don’t say ‘Randy.'” Why? It’s good. “No.” Hmm, okay, but Randal’s stats are showing a bigger bat than a Ken doll. “No.” Damn, Left Side of Brain, you’re tough. How much can a–“Grichuk chuck! We know!” *dissolve to five hours later* Due to a lengthy disagreement with the left side of my brain, I’m unable to provide you with a terrible pun. At least we didn’t go to war over it — ‘huk! What is it good for?! “‘Huk is not even something people say!” Oh, shut up!
John Means – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to a customer in a Home Depot parking lot.
Tanner Roark – Another Streamonator call. “If you take me home with you, I can do all your housework and be your best friend! Okay, we can start slow with the friendship, while I hold your Direct TV antenna in place on your roof.”
Keone Kela – Something lost in Kela becoming the new Pirates’ closer, because, well, when you’ve done the disgusting garbage Felipe Vazquez did, everything pales in comparison, but, prior to Vazquez chewing on Crick’s finger like it’s candy because he had used all his actual candy to attract dates, Kela was one of the worst personalities in the Pirates’ bullpen. Solid organization, Pirates!
SELL
Any Player – No, his name is not pronounced ‘An-knee Pah-lay-er.’ That is not a name. It’s a strategy. At this stage in the season, while the sun is setting on your bald dome and jorts, I’d just be focusing on the 7-day Player Rater for hot bats and everyone is droppable. Same goes for pitchers. If they only have one or two starts left and they’re not good matchups, then you need to be looking at the Streamonator. The time for sentimentality is behind us like the litter you just threw out your window. By the way, now a dolphin is going to be on the shoulder with a cigarette butt in its blowhole. Not cool! Either way, you have permission to pick up or drop everyone. Get this win!
