Here’s some things we know about Hector Olivera. A) The Braves say he could arrive with the team on Tuesday. B) The Braves are throwing him into the fire like they’re you at a backyard fire getting rid of all pictures of yourself from high school so no one can ever do a #tbt to you. The Braves president of baseball operations said Olivera will do a few days in the Gulf Coast League, then start moving him through the system. That’s fast, since he only has a week of Triple-A games under his belt. C) There’s no C. D) B was really long so there’s no D either. E) Olivera may not need much minor league time. He’s not exactly a rookie, he’s 30 years old. F) That’s a Latin 30; he may really be 44 years old. G) Money. H) oly smokes. I) am Grey. J) This preseason, I said this about Olivera, “After watching Olivera hit, he looks like Hanley Ramirez. Out on a limb like the Tootsie Roll owl, Olivera could hit 12-15 homers, steal 6-9 bases and hit .275-ish. There’s obviously a huge amount of risk, upside, downside and unknown here. He reminds of another import from this offseason. Call him The Cuban Kang.” K) And that’s me quoting me! L) MNOP Q) Would I own him? R) you serious? Of course. S) CarGo. T)he time to grab him is now. U) I’m talking to. V) Great TV show! W) Great movie! X) Great black militant! Y) Cause. Z) Fin. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Welington Castillo – Where’s the boeuf?! On your team, hopefully.
Danny Valencia – He sounds like the real name of a porn actor. “When I knew Pound Hass, he went by the name Danny Valencia.” You could hear that, right? Any the hoo! Valencia has been a very hot schmotato.
Jesus Montero – I went to a guild screening of Straight Outta Compton last night, and it didn’t disappoint. (Here’s Cube at the Q&A. One good thing came out of that, an older woman asked if he regretted calling women “bitches and hoes” and Cube said, “I don’t defend punk ass busters, why do women defend bitches and hoes?”) The actor playing Easy should be doing guest spots on albums he was so Easy. Cube’s son may as well be his younger identical twin, if that shizz was possible. The movie itself? It was much more macro than I expected. Would you be surprised if there was a scene of Cube writing Friday since that happened like five years after Cube left NWA? I was not expecting to be introduced to Snoop. Or Pac. I wanted a small, gritty movie about the formation of one of the greatest rap groups of all time and how they put out one of the best albums ever, and then bitterness and internal feuds ended it as quickly. I wanted like ’87 to ’89. I wanted micro. Maybe that’s on me and my expectations. It was still a solid B and played like a greatest hits mixtape from ’88 to ’95. The movie also made me feel old. What’s next? A movie about boy bands of the 90’s? I shouldn’t be old enough to be seeing an NWA movie. Terrible Segue Alert! Montero feels like he’s about as old as I felt watching an NWA movie, but he’s only 25, was once highly touted and looks like he’s finally figuring things out.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Now on two weeks in a row with me touting Asdrubal, and he’ll be hot for maybe another week and then we’ll never speak of him again until next year when he inexplicably gets hot for two random weeks.
Yangervis Solarte – This is a Hitter-Tron pick. Like when the Hitter-Tron goes to a junkyard with a sifter of brandy and pays the junkyard man $50 and picks out the sexiest piece of metal it sees.
Stephen Piscotty – Has been hitting and it’s only a matter of time before the power and speed show up. When? Piscotty doesn’t know!
Jake Lamb – If you’re rotating through corner infidels like a nice hunk of shawarma, then Lamb’s a nice option.
Francisco Lindor – When he was called up, everyone had on their hypster glasses, reading their Dave Eggers book, speaking in hashtags and wanting to pick up Lindor, but now everyone seems to be suffering from hypegondria with how little he’s owned. He’s been good, it’s okay to grab him.
David Peralta – I’m not even sure if Peralta’s been hot or if it’s just the one rotating Diamondbacks outfield slot that’s hot. They need to put Sandoval in that slot just to confirm if it’s the outfield slot or the player.
Khris Davis – Because you can’t pick up Chris Davis. Next best thing, and all.
Aaron Hicks – I just gave you my Aaron Hicks fantasy. It was written while calling my dad, King Kunta, and him saying, “What?”
Jean Machi – The Red Sox named him the closer, then gave the first post-Koji save to Tazawa and Machi hasn’t really been good this year, but there ya go.
Tommy Kahnle – That death, dumb and blind Rockies manager made Tommy the Rockies closer, and he sure plays a mean pinball!
Bruce Rondon – Tigers closer could be Alex Wilson, but if we’re just going on who sounds and throws more like a closer, I’d go Rondon. I think this will likely be a closerousel shituation that does very few of you any good. Look at me empathizing and shizz. I may as well put on a dress!
Matt Cain – I went to the Stream-o-Nator and I grabbed a few picks for this weekend, and here’s what I came up with. The preceding line sounds like the beginning of a 90’s rap song, right? Then I walk between big bootied girls in spandex for the video. Jake Peavy on Saturday looks decent, but streaming all old-as-fudge Giant starters isn’t that exciting. I could also see Wei-Yin Chen and I’m already going with Rubby on Sunday due to a weekly league. Please let it be a good Rubby and not an outside-the-jeans rubby.
SELL
Carlos Santana – So, we had some good times. Like that one random game in July when it looked like Santana was Smooth and not a Black Tragic Woman. As mentioned last week, trade deadlines have passed in many leagues, so now the Sells are really Drops, but a post called Buy/Drop sounds dopey. At this point, I’d prefer Random Schmohawk Behind Door #2 than Santana.
Victor Martinez – He got a last-second reprieve last Friday from being in the Sell, due to a two-homer game on Thursday, but this week, we’re ripping that Band-Aid off like it’s a bacon-scented Band-Aid and we have a hot date with a vegan.
Cameron Maybin – Well, he did look good for a short spell, I-N J-U-N-E.
Jhonny Peralta – The problem with all of these Sells (Drops) is if they get hot, they could turn around quickly, and The Superfluous H gets as hot as anyone, so I could see holding him, but he’s hitting .211 with three homers since the All-Star break.
Starlin Castro – Yeah, he’s been barf siphoned through Bartolo Colon’s colon.
