Hunter Greene is the best person you ever dated. The one that got away. Not necessarily, hot and crazy while they’re keying your car. They were, like, super awesome. You guys used have a ton of fun, and your friends would be like, “How’d you ever snag them?” And you’d say wistfully, “I don’t know.” Real corny crap! Then you went to school/had to move/fell down a flight of stairs and woke thinking you were a chicken. Just some circumstances separated you. You remained friends, but you had to go your separate ways. A love lost. The stuff of songs and poems and gentle reflection of what could’ve been. But ya know, deep down, beauty fades, and they were the wrong match for you anyway. The right match was Kyle Bradish or Jacob deGrom or Chris Sale or anyone else in the top 20 starters who I still like. If your Hunter’s Brown, it’s 200 innings you can mark him down. If your Hunter’s Greene, don’t like how this sounds, nah’mean? The Hunter Greene timetable for his elbow bone spurs is currently June/July, but you know how I feel about drafting dinged-up starters. I moved him into the top 60 starters and I would never draft him. Alas, it was fun while it lasted. When we were younger (two weeks ago) and had so much promise. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2026 fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! So, regarding the site’s funkiness the last few days. We had to migrate servers on Sunday. Sunday turned to Monday and into Tuesday. Sorry about that. Was out of our control. For your understanding, we are now real friends, and not fake friends like Randy Arozarena and Cal Raleigh! I’m going broke paying for people to fix our site so get the War Room! Quick infomercial voice, “Rudy’s War Room is updated multiple times per day, and in-season subscriptions are open for business. Buy a subscription and save a cowboy. Just no elbow spurs!” Oh, and we’re not quite at the point where we can announce it yet, but Rudy’s about to release his biggest tool (uhh) to date. It’s on the level of the Streamonator and Hittertron. Honestly, it might be better. I was playing with it the last few days and it’s a brand new world for all of youse. Anyway II, the roundup:
Jeremy Pena – Small fracture in his finger. Eddie Vedder, “Jeremy’s broken…” Astros have never lied about an injury. If they say Pena will be back by April, he will be back by April. They don’t say what year for a reason. Those lying son of a guns! Did the Astros say a few weeks? Okay, [enters a few weeks into Astros IL Calculator] hmm, says here that he’ll be back in 2029 as a DH. Could that be right? So, I moved him in the shortstop rankings, docking him two weeks.
Corbin Carroll – Rumored to be back today (or shortly). I hate, hate, harve moving guys down in the rankings, then back up. I know people are using the rankings and they want consistency. I want consistency! The worst thing you can do is overreact to every single thing. Does more harm than good. With that said, I think I overcorrected for the hamate bone injury on Corbin. Not Lindor — emdash, this isn’t AI; he doesn’t have 50-steal speed like Corbin, that makes up for a lot. So, I moved Corbin up a bit and his projections, not quite to where he was, and now above Tatis in my top 20 overall.
Jonah Tong – Reassigned to minor league camp. That was always the plan, so he wasn’t moved in my top 100 starters. We’ll have to wait for Bizarro Lincecum.
Kyle Teel – Looked like he got himself a banged-up hammy. Aw, call him Kermy Teel. Some day we’ll find it, the rainbow connection…So, Teel might miss a week or two, but he’s already borderline top 250-300 catcher and that ranking still seems right, so I’m leaving him untouched for now in the catchers rankings.
Zack Littell – Signed with the Nationals. Littell did you know! No, really, I’m asking. So, Littell is one of those extremely valuable vets for real baseball that could walk into a live fantasy draft, offer to wash one of the leaguemate’s cars and they still wouldn’t draft him. He was updated in my top 100 starters.
Joshua Baez – Reassigned to Cardinals’ minor league camp. Lot of people were excited about Baez, and all I have to say, did you not live through Jordan Walker? Lars Nootbar? Nolan Gorman? Brendan Donovan? Have the Cards developed a great hitter since Pujols or simply shipped out future All-Stars they couldn’t develop? Like a teamster smoking, leaning on the latter.
Brandon Sproat – I’m closely watching the Logan Henderson/Brandon Sproat Brewers’ rotation battle. Prefer Henderson, but my feelings for Sproat might sprout, and Henderson is talking about elbow pain. Could see moving Logan Henderson down in the next day or so if he’s not throwing again soon.
Michael Massey – Tweaked his calf. Get that baby cow off the meth, tweaker!
Andrew McCutchen – Signed a minor league deal with the Rangers. If a guy wants to continue to play baseball, who am I to say he shouldn’t? Would I retire and do nothing if I had roughly $150 million? Sure, but that is just me.
Julio Teheran – Retired from baseball. He was like, “I allow bombs and, with my last name? I need to get out of the US before a terrible bit of miscommunication happens.”
