I don’t really remember the first time I played ‘lambs’. It’s hard to remember much after being chloroformed, to be honest, but let’s just say I’m glad the game didn’t go on for too long. It was really creepy hearing Grey pet Ted and call him ‘Precious’ while asking ‘Would you F@#$ me? I’d F@#$ me’. Mainly because you’re supposed to tuck and do that into a mirror while dancing and tucking your junk. He screwed the game up so badly, we had to start over. The human body can’t take this much chloro! But all this to say, I’m ready and willing to play again, only I want the bucket to be filled with Kyle Lohse this time. What, you wanted a more seamless segue? Sorry, we can’t all be Christian Bale taking an axe to Jared Leto whilst waxing poetic about Huey Lewis & The News, ok? Let’s just talk baseball since that’s what you’re here for. Heading into the game against Peralta last night, the Cubs were striking out 27.5% of the time over the last 7 games while rocking a .274 wOBA. These numbers go in the ‘no bueno’ section of your baseball stats. So unless the wind is blowing monstrously out, I’ll take Kyle for the miniscule $8K price tag with the hopes of him going at least 7 while K’ing 6 and coasting into a 20+ DraftKings point night.
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Trevor Bauer, SP: $5,700 – This start could be fire…that means good for those who don’t know. It could also be dumpster fire…which means not good for those who don’t know. There’s a reason he’s only $5,700 BUT his splits indicate he’s a home start if you’re gonna start him at all and he gets an Au Shizz’less D-backs team so there’s room for major upside here given the 8.3 K/9 Trevor sports on the year. Tourney play only for me. If you wanna throw him out in your H2H or 50/50’s, let me send you my paypal info; it’s clear you like giving money away for no good reason, why not to me?
Michael Pineda, SP: $8,900 – The Orioles over their last 7 games have a major league-leading 17 HRs – 6 more than the next closest team – and a .402 team wOBA. How Pineda isn’t priced more like a pinata is a shock to the system for me since that’s most likely his role. Give me the hot O’s bats, please. I’m specifically looking at you, Nelson Cruz.
Vidal Nuno, SP: $5,600 – Back to the dregs, I guess. Look, do you need me to tell you to start Ryu? Well then slide back from your computer and unplug it…cuz you ain’t that bright! For the season, Cleveland has the 4th worst team wOBA against southpaws. Much like the Bauer call, this is really just a GPP call and with much less upside for K’s. The upside is baked into the low ownership cake, though. If he outscores most guys who’re priced above $8K, you’re making cash money here.
Buck Farmer, SP: $5,800 – Buck has pretty ratios down on the farm. That’s good. Buck’s ratios come from playing A ball. That’s bad. Buck gets to face a Pirates team that is without Andrew McCutchen. That’s good. Buck is facing one of the highest team wOBAs in the majors over the last 7 days. That’s bad. All this to say, he won’t pitch more than about 5 innings maximum and I’m sure a hot Pirate squad is here to plunder his supple young booty at this point. I could see merit in a Pittsburgh stack but at the very least, I’ll take parts of the offense to fill the rest of my roster out. I think this Farmer *puts on shades* is in for a barn-burner. YEAAAAHHHH.
Kolten Wong, 2B: $4,500 – As Nathan Eovaldi devolves, the peripherals that are sinking him start shining through. Namely, he just can’t get lefties out anywhere, especially at home where they hold a 1.2 HR/9 rate and a .350 wOBA in 45 innings. Consider this a call for Matt Adams and Matt Carpenter as well. If you think you’re turning Stackanese, Jon Jay and Oscar Taveras are calling your name. Yes, I really think so.
Khris Davis, OF: $3,700 – Wada, Wada everywhere and not a drop to drink…I don’t know if I was going anywhere with that but it doesn’t matter now that we’re here. Stay in the moment with me! Wada is what the acronymists call an ‘LHP’. These ‘LHP’ seem to give Khris a good chance at donging as he has a .274 ISO against southpaws on the year with 6 HRs in 95 AB. If you want a cheap chance at a long shot, K.D. bang is worth the buck. And since we’re here, might as well discuss that Jonathan Lucroy, Ryan Braun, and Rickie Weeks all have healthy wOBA numbers against LHP while we’re at it and that Carlos Gomez does pretty good with the whooping stick against southies as well with a .196 ISO. If you don’t want a stack of Cards, how about a round of Brews.
Daniel Murphy, 1B/2B: $4,300 – Batter vs pitcher has sparked bigger debates than the ‘great taste/less filling’ debate about a beer I couldn’t even care to mention. If you’re in the BvP camp, D-Murph is 16/44 against Jordan Zimmermann for his career with 8 extra base hits, 3 of which are HRs. The best part is he’s dual eligible which means he’s a really underpriced 1B or a really overpriced 2B. It’s the Choose Your Own Infield Adventure you never thought you wanted (cuz you didn’t).
Giancarlo Stanton, OF: $5,300 – The Italian Stallion who’s not actually Italian nor a stallion…unless a beautiful Unicorn can be a stallion, then I’m at least half right. Give me all the lefties your Marlins have to offer and Stanton to complete my ‘put Masterson out of his misery’ death train lineup. Stanton has been too hot to put down and with all the money I’m saving, I don’t intend to.
I’m Only Happy When It Rains
Early reports indicate very little moisture for all games across the board. We shall call it ‘Waterworld 2: We Found Dry Land And Mer-Costner is F@#$’d’. Ok, ok, we’ll work on the title, you just work on all your lineups with all the games being free of rain.
Doing Lines In Vegas
With Miles Mikolas toeing the rubber in Arlington, it’s no surprise the high o/u is in Texas at 9 for the day. I’ll take the over there as well as the MIAvsSTL game at 7 1/2…Eovaldi can’t get lefties out, Masterson can’t get anyone out and you’re posting 7 1/2 Las Vegas? Too much bright lights, big city for whoever laid that one out.
