Greetings! Let us not dally and get straight to the point. Not since Dennis Quaid’s pathetic attempt at portraying the legendary Doc Holiday have I ever witnessed a more disgraceful performance. My good men (and good women), this fraud has pulled the wool over our eyes for far too long. His supporters make me want to upchuck my kale smoothies while I wither to my knees, my body quivering with disgust. His 1.60 WHIP (before last night’s bed shizzing) makes me long for Marco Estrada. His 4.88 ERA makes me lust after Chase Whitley. Seriously, RuPaul has higher testicular fortitude. I’d much rather be tied to a razor blade studded lawn chair, naked, with my mouth duck taped and forced to watch Paul Blart: Mall Cop, one AND two, in a cage with starved hyenas along with 50 rattlesnakes than watch Strasburg pitch. Now he’s injured, and if my animal instincts are proven correct, a DL stint is on the horizon. Don’t be shocked if it’s a season ender, which may be a good thing in the long run, like having your family’s rabid dog drowned after blood-lusting after a river otter when you didn’t have the heart to gun it down yourself. [Jay’s Note: Wait, what?] Say one thing for Stephen Strasburg, he’s a disappointment. It’s over.
I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!
Players who Disgraced
Addison Reed – I have more faith in Nicolas Cage and Christian Slater winning best actor/ best supporting actor in the same year than I do Reed finishing the year as the D-backs closer. Seriously dude, one save? The stench of his putrid 4.50 ERA and 2.16 WHIP is causing my eyes to water all the way in Seattle. Reed’s fantasy owners want his head…
The Red Sox pitching staff – Not going to get it done Bostonians. You’re not foolish enough to believe in them, are you? You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Evan Longoria – Longo is the Adam Sandler of fantasy baseball. Much like Sandler’s lemmings still seeing his movies, even though they’re total dog sh*t, we continue to draft Longoria for what he we once thought he was: an emerging every-year triple crown and MVP threat. Sandler’s flicks are now going straight to Netflix and they may be regretting whatever deal they made with him. Maybe we can learn from this. Maybe, just maybe, we can draft Longoria after the 10th round, where he so deservingly belongs. The six RBI and uno homer just aren’t doing it for me kid. Evan Longoria, the puppy who lost his way…
Robinson Cano – Seattle’s prized free agent signing from 2014 is matching the aforementioned Longoria, homer for homer, RBI for RBI, in true peasant like form. Don’t fret, Mariner fans, we only have to deal with this… gulp… through the 2023 season. Laaaaaaaawd! $24 milly per year is a small price to pay for relevancy. Okay, so I’m a tad bitter… obviously Cano is going to heat up and end up as a top-3 two-bagger, but it still makes my nuts shrivel to see the Mariners struggle to win ball games, even with Cruz bringing down a Conan the Barbarian-like destruction upon opposing pitchers. I hate to believe in the obscenely racist stereotype, that many Dominican born players don’t heat up till the summer months, but in this particular case, I’m on my knees in front of blazing fire, praying for the Elder Gods to release me from this vehement pain and blessing Cano with a hot month (that was a long sentence. It can’t be grammatically correct…or can it? Witness!).
Players who Delighted
Jake Marisnick – At 6-4, 220, J-Mar seems to be created by the Elder Gods for our pleasure. The 24-year-old has come out the gate scorching, with a robust .350 average, 3 jacks and NINE steals. Marisnick should be owned in ALL formats until he cools down. I highly doubt he crushes more than 15 long dongs, but the speed is realer than real deal Holyfield, and Imma let you readers and haters know just how I feel. Continue to ride this horse like Seattle Slew until he goes back to the mud from which he rose. I’d like to think that never happens, but bad things occur when I think.
Jose Altuve – Oh, you let Altuve slide to the 3rd round of your fantasy draft, for you felt it beyond the stretch of imagination for him to repeat last season’s miraculous run? Shame on a Nuh! Who try to run game on a nuh! Beddict buck wild with the trigger! With a .348 average, 3 jacks, 19 RBI and 10 base thefts, this 5’6″ legend is well on his way to another top-5 overall season. Astros gear from his head to his neck. Pootie Tang with the hit game, show some respect.
Chris Archer – I wish I could inform you I’m enjoying the dominance being shown by young hog Chris Archer, but he doesn’t reside on ONE of my 13 fantasy squadrons. Nope, unfortunately I was insanely high on him last year and he was straight up gutter trash for the 1st half of the season, though he finished with a respectable 3.33 ERA. Of course, I had already dropped him in every league before the turnaround, so I could care less how he finished. The man was dead to me. This season has been the exact opposite, with his 9.9 K’s per nine, keeping his fantasy owner’s panties wet and giving them hope they discovered a mid-to-late round gem.
Dee Gordon – Sabermetrics shows that the middle-aged, free agent to be was an upgrade over the cost controlled, young legend that is Dee Gordon. I’m sure the Marlins are happy with dumping yesterday’s garbage, Andrew Heaney, for this stallion. Gordo sports a ho-hum .433 BA with 12 stolen bags, making the sad sacks who drafted Billy Hamilton feel like the definition of a D-bag… wait, that’s probably not accurate… but still.
Joc Pederson – Meet me at Dodger Stadium, it’s going doooooown. Young Joc has the Dodgers brass seriously considering straight up releasing bums like Andre Ethier and Carl Crawford, as this 23-year-old savage is well on his way to a 25 homer season. Joc was Scarface, Crawford was Manolo. It hurt me when he had to kill him and his whole squad for dolo.
Beddict on Literature
Red Rising Trilogy – First off, shout out to one of my favorite commentators, Shawn of the Living, for putting me onto these incredible books written by the legend that is, Pierce Brown. It provides a genius take on social class while giving you fascinating action sequences and glorious one liners. I was hooked immediately, as Shawn said I would be, and burned through the first two books in under a couple weeks. Think The Hunger Games mixed with Star Wars. Yes, it’s truly that epic. Further proving my point, Red Rising has been picked up for a large budget movie production. My readers continually give me wonderful reading recommendations and for that I’m forever grateful. Truly, a must read.
Thank your for joining me on this journey of intellect that is Disgrace/Delight. It is my absolute pleasure to converse with you below in the comment section, so please, I beg of you, don’t be bashful. Don’t miss my upcoming fantasy football podcasts with my genius editor and fellow razzball writer, Jay Wrong, where we discuss the recent NFL draft, Game of Thrones and tons of other super cool shizz. Enjoy the rest of your week, my good men (and good women).
Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Tehol143.