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Sky: “Beddict, what’s up broseph? Want to manscape each other and hit the Oregon coast for the week? My wife’s finally allowing me hang out with you again after the Playboy mansion incident.”

Beddict: “No can do, big dog. It’s Shark Week. Call me next week and I’ll make sure there’s not a solitary hair anywhere near your junk.”

Grey: “Tehol, I’ve been chosen to write the pilot for what could be the next, Game of Thrones, possibly even bigger, and I’ve chosen YOU to collaborate on it, you know, because of your rapier wit and panty dropping charm. Total life changer here, Tehol.”

Beddict: “First off; nothing will EVER eclipse GOT, as it’s the greatest show of all time. and 2nd: C’mon son….IT’S SHARK WEEK!”

Jay: “T-Beeeeeezy, guess who’s in town, playa?! That’s right, me, Jay Long-Dong! I received 30 Tinder matches since I landed in Sea-town, and they all want to get wasted at Beddict Manor for a week straight.”

Beddict: “No can do, Kimosabe. Nobody loves butt naked freaks more than Beddict, and I know we’ve never actually hung out, but bruh, Shark Week. Maybe next year…..Just a different week of next year.”

J-Foh: “TEHOL, you old son of a gun how are ya. Any chance you can watch my kid for a couple days while I go catch the donkey show in TJ?”

Beddict: [Hangs up phone.]

IT’S Mother EFFing SHARK WEEK, YA’LL!!!!!

Greetings! Did you miss me? No? Not even a tiency wiency bit? F*ck it, it’s Shark Week. I may not even respond to a comment on this post, for I’ll be balls deep in “The Bride of Jaws” or whatever other mind blowing show is being featured on the greatest week of the year. What I found to be their most interesting new program is based on a new breed of Great White; It’s a land walking, air breathing, female lusting, camel-donged, baseball crushing machine, and it seems the Elder Gods only created one of them. That creation’s name: Miguel Sano, truly one of the deadliest beasts I’ve ever witnessed. I could be wrong, but I heard every woman, aged 18-95, simultaneously orgasmed when Sano blasted one out the park Tuesday night for his first bomb of the season. The shark is batting a robust .450 in his first few games, and I expect nothing less than greatness. Say one thing for Miguel Sano, he’s the scariest living creature walking the earth.

 

Players Who Delighted:

Mike Montgomery  I would be lit up in my sex addicts anonymous meeting if I failed to mention my home town team’s current ace. This former Rays washout threw back-to-back complete game shutouts, including a 1 hitter, compiling 17 Ks along the way. He “only” went 5 and 2/3 in his last start but gave up only one run, so it’s safe to say Monty needs to be owned in all formats.

Kole Calhoun After what seemed like MONTHS, Calhoun has made the polite decision to join the living and has begun to rake like the goodmen who take care of the yard at Beddict Manor, only he doesn’t charge me ridiculous rates and key my car. Calhoun has ripped off 4 multi-hit games in a row now, even parking a couple for my fellow owners and I. I’ll be riding this stallion like Seattle Slew until he cools off and I suggest you do something similar.

Carlos Martinez – Martinez has been shooting arrows like Hawkeye at the opposition, missing their bats the way I miss Butterfaces…. unless I’m wasted. In that case, everything looks like food. 9 consecutive quality starts? Now that’s just ridiculous. Shame on the naysayers who canned him from their fantasy rosters faster than a proposed Christian Slater blockbuster to a Hollywood studio exec. Oh-hoho, the man has bounced back like seemingly no one expected, dropping Ks galore and giving the opposition little chance at success.

 

Players Who Disgraced:

Lucas Duda – De Razzball readers sing this song, Du-Dung, Du-Dung. De Razzball readers hate this schlong, Du-Dung Dung. Good Gods, this peon is batting .120 over the past week, and not much better over the past month. I knew he would never repeat last season’s heroics, but this is downright pathetic. Ray Charles has a better shot of jacking one right now, and I’m on the verge of dropping him from 12 team leagues.

Domonic Brown – If you ain’t got no haters, you ain’t poppin, playa… but wait… how can that be true? The man once known as Prince Domonic has PLENTY of haters and is definitely NOT poppin. I believe I’ve just discovered a flaw in Lil Bibby’s rap diddy. Yes, Beddict’s former man crush has fallen off a cliff, hitting a meager .125 with ONE RBI in his last seven days. This is one of the more unexplainable falloffs since Mel Gibson…. OKAY, so I suppose Mel’s drop in popularity actually IS explainable. And let’s not forget the anti-Semitic remarks and the movie with the beaver. So let’s just call Domonic Brown’s the worst falloff in the history of human kind. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

Jimmy Nelson  Jimmy crapped corn all over my face, and I DO care! Is there a more disappointing young pitcher in all of baseball than Nelson? After getting up like the sky on the 4th of July in seemingly every start, Nelson has made himself about as ownable as Myspace stock. Each start forces me to regurgitate my lunch and cleanse my body with a brillo pad for 3 hours. With a 4.76 ERA and 1.46 WHIP, Nelson has ruined my life. Don’t let him do the same to you.

Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. Though it is Shark Week, I will do my utmost to respond to all of your comments and questions and below. As always, it was an absolute pleasure and I look forward to many more years of interaction. Have a great rest of the week.

 

 

Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Beddict143.

  1. Handsome Pete says:
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    Sano is crazy en fuego right meow. What kind of trade value would he have right now in a 12 team keeper?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Handsome Pete: keeper league? extremely high. if he mashes for rest of this year dude could be a 2nd or 3rd round pick and thats not even counting keeper leagues. could net a monster return

    • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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      @Handsome Pete: pretty good value. Could become best power hitter in AL soon

  2. Scott says:
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    DUDE. Welcome back, seriously. Hey, have you ever noticed that some batters like to hit home runs before they go to Coors, like they think they’re already there or something.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Scott: thank you, Scotty. good to be back. I have not noticed that but I will now keep it in my mind when I’m looking at the schedule. I appreciate that tid bit of information

  3. Grant says:
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    Calhoun for McCullers? I would be getting Calhoun. Side note, I currently have Marte who may or may not find himself on the DL, and also Grichuck, who has went from being awesome to being not awesome. Want to make sure I’m not selling McCullers to low.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Grant: i like that. Calhoun is hotter than wasabi. id pull the trigger. I like McCullers but dont know for sure about him yet so I’d take HOUN

  4. Rice says:
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    Dude, did you see that one with the serial killer shark attacks the same beach in October every 2 years?!?!

    They made it corny as hell but I’ll be damned if I’d ever go in those waters!

    yada yada baseball

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Rice: oh yes, I witnessed that one. quite scary. I’m staying out the water for the foreseeable future. whats up with your baseball team?

      • Rice says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Cruising along in 2nd place despite drafting Ian Desmond and Dom Brown.

        Dropped Brown at some point. Was able to trade Desmond for a 9th pick next year and was able to grab a dropped Jean Segura to replace him.

        Kris Davis off the DL is nice (hit a jack today). Should I drop Melky or Duda to activate him?

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Rice: Im assuming you didnt draft Dom Brown very high……………….. Id drop Melky for Davis no question . kudos on 2nd place, my goodman

          • Rice says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: Brown was a late flier. No big deal. I did DL him and sit on him for a bit while he was in AAA but I got sad watching him not hit down there. #Disgrace (credit Tehol)

            Melky will be shown the door.

            Duda is seriously frustrating me but I was able to bench him for Maikel Franco. So for the time being, Duda can think about what he’s done on my bench.

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Rice: dude, I’m just a fan hahahah you could get him undrafted. yea Duda is on my bench now until further notice. nobody on waivers with his upside really

  5. Eric says:
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    Sano or Syndergaard?

    • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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      @Eric: depends on what you need, of course. But if your team is good all over, then go with Sano

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Wallpaper Paterson: Wallpaper is on point today. i may hire him to take all the questions. we’re basically the same person. Syndergaard may get put on innings limit so Sano mos def

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Eric: Sano, my friend. Sano.

  6. Dnut Eastwood says:
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    Tehol its been awhile mi amigo. yeah i let go of Martinez too. But hey it was for the betterment of my beloved Cardinals. It was one of those things if i would of held on to him he would of had an ERA over 4.50. When i released him i think he had a few QS out of maybe 8 attempts anyway it’s one of those superstitious baseball things where i think i actually play a part in what goes on between the lines… and i know i aint’s the only mofo out there feeling that way as rediculous as it sounds yes im kicking my own ass for letting him go. worst yet my league arch rival scooped him up and is rubbing it in my face. Damn superstitions Got’s Damn i say Tehol

    • Dnut Eastwood says:
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      @Dnut Eastwood: That being said. Without looking and being a Cards fan I don’t think he has ever thrown much over a 100 innings in his minor league or major league career. I just hope the Cardinals play it safe and keeps his pitch counts and innings low enough that he can still be effective in October. I’m sorry i doubted you little Pedro you are the little engine that could

      • Dnut Eastwood says:
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        @Dnut Eastwood: on another note i have like 4 or 5 hitters in my lineup that are in the HR Derby. Is this a sign that my team is going to struggle or is this me looking into these baseball superstitions. Everyone remembers Jose Abreu and the great first half and the HR Derby and the Horrible second half. I have ever told you i’ve been accused of over thinking it. once again GOT’S Damn Tehol

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Dnut Eastwood: dont fret, my goodman. the home run derby has nothing to do with players falling off. its Fuking batting practice. i hope these fools never make that excuse again.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Dnut Eastwood: HE IS A BEAST. THe money turned him into to a monster. THe money turned his noodles into pasta

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Dnut Eastwood: Mr. Eastwood, I’ve missed you. you absolutely played a part in C-Mart’s reemergence, and we at razzball, salute you.

  7. Sean John says:
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    Is Jansen for Sano a fair trade

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Sean John: yea, if you’re getting Sano

  8. FrankGrimes says:
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    Shame…
    Shame…
    SHAME!!!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @FrankGrimes: SHAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. Eric says:
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    OK. First time poster. New to fantasy baseball completely. Have no idea what I’m doing. Way behind in every category but finally paying attention and starting to make a little headway.

    Sano is available in my league so who on my team should I drop?

    Y. Grandal, D. Ortiz, M. Betts, N. Arenado, J. Turner, M. Trout, K. Kalhoun, J. Bruce, J. Altuve, J. Upton, V. Martinez, J. Paredes, Y. Puig

    I’m thinking Paredes or nobody. But I really have no idea.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Eric: Paredes immediately. HURRY

      • Eric says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:

        Got him. Thanks.

        Rendon is also sitting there. Should I snag him too?

        THAN YOU!

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Eric: maybe for Turner but I’m not sure on Rendon injury status. google it and then decide

  10. Shawn of the Livid says:
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    Nice Tehol! I managed to grab Sano as my Ian Desmond replacement <<<<< Theres a disgrace if I've ever drafted one!!!!

    Please let Sano be such a beast this year that he's a 2nd or 3rd rounder in 2016!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Shawn of the Livid: it’s happening before our very eyes, my goodman. just hold tight. we’re almost home

  11. Mike Schwab says:
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    Hey Tehol,
    8 team Keeper league H2H.
    Was offered Soler for Rendon. Thoughts? I have Machado and Sano already at 3rd.
    Thanks.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Mike Schwab: tough to do since right before this season people had Rendon as a borderline 1st round pick and Soler is nowhere close. you should be able to do better than SOler but if not, and you need to change positions, Soler is an intriguing player

  12. Scott says:
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    Cut like a razor blade! Slice like a ninja shark!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Scott: uh-huhhhhhhh, yeeeeeea

  13. Bye Felicia says:
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    Just remember who dropped Sano in your lap playa. We was supposed to climb to the top together. Remember Don’t touch my wong AKA SAGNOF Night Special AKA Big Dick Pimp?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Bye Felicia: HAHHAHAHAHAH, what happened buddy? u dropped him?

      • Bye Felicia says:
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        Yup only person to grab him, dropped him a week before he was called up. Kenyrs vagfuck was called up so i didn’t think the organization was going to call him up then Springer got hurt and I needed an OF. Fucking sucks

      • Bye Felicia says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: don’t matter I’m still going to win the crown in the taints league. I’ll be king of the taints!

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Bye Felicia: ur defintelty could be!!

  14. greg says:
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    CMart going to face innings limit? Can’t see how they would, with being in first and all….maybe limit his pitch count a bit in starts?

    I have him, ie, inquiring minds need to know. ;)

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @greg: I suppose they could skip a start here amd there but they defintelty need him. He’s a true hog in the game

Comments are closed.