Greetings!!! Your liege lord, Beddict, has fallen on disastrous times. My goodmen, I was robbed by a thief in the night, the kind of criminal mastermind that makes Danny Ocean look like a pocket picking peasant. Not only did this despicable bandit gank me for my Mac-book Pro, but he swooped my black diamond encrusted platinum ring, my SMS wireless sports headphones signed by the Elder God, 50 Cent, a beautiful Burberry jacket, some fly-a** Louis Vuitton sunglasses, two Nike sweatshirts, a pair of high-top limited edition Nike Air Force One boots, and two different kinds of cologne. In the hood, we call this the come up of a lifetime. This scum-sucking pilferer hit the mother load, probably thinking he just robbed a professional athlete, when instead it was just poor old Beddict, washed up mankini model turned fantasy sports writer. I’ve never felt such pain, such anguish, giving me the sort of writers block that would make George R.R. Martin not look like a total pile of Hippopotamus shat. I come to you now, begging for your forgiveness. On my knees, begging you for another chance as I feel we were right on the cusp of greatness. Let’s work out the kinks and get back to doing what I was created to do… whatever that may be.
I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take heed!
Players Who Have Delighted Beddict With Their Play Thus Far…
Marcell Ozuna – You all know what pre-c*m is, right? I believe its defined as the fluid that leaks from my egg plant every time I see young Marcell go shopping at the gap. This Venezuelan beaut has been on a torrid stretch as of late, raising his average to .308 and reminding us of why most “experts” had him pegged as a breakout star in 2015. Now I’m a believer, and I couldn’t leave him if I tried. Shout out to Smashmouth. Great band.
Yasmany Tomas – Now that we’re legally allowed to visit Cuba, I’d very much like to travel there to personally thank Tomas’s parents for producing such a meaty, stallion of a man. I witnessed Tomas in the shower at a Scottsdale YMCA and almost feinted, I kidd you not. The young man that almost ALL of you wrote off has already surpassed half of his home run total from a season ago and is hitting above .300. I’m not going to point out that I predicted this well before the season. Trust me, I’m not that petty.
Wil Myers – Prince William has returned to us to take the throne he was expected to sit in for what now seems like ages ago, and has produced 7 long dongs and 4 base swipes, giving him a reasonable shot at a 20/20 season. The fact that he has multiple position eligibility doesn’t hurt. In fact, it turns me on, and when I’m turned on, Godly feats are known to happen. Sit back, take a toke off the peace pipe, pass that BIH to the left-hand side and watch the magic happen. It has been written.
Robinson Cano – I tried to load up the draft chat for the Razzball Writer’s League where Rudy the Elder, my superior in every way, verbally punished me for “reaching” on Cano at the turn of the 3rd round. It seems he had it burned along with the Drawls J-FOH left in the back seat of his Cabriolet. Let’s not mention that I’m in dead last in that particular league, aaaaahkay? Anyways, Cano is raking and is the early season AL MVP. What say thou now, Rudeth?
Jonathan Gray – With three consecutive quality starts and 24 K’s in that same time frame, Gray is on a mission to be the first star pitcher in Colorado since Ubaldo had that magical 3/4 year run in what seems like eons ago. The man’s stuff is electric. Boogie Woogie, Woogie! Slide with us to a league title.
Nick Castellanos – Why, oh whyyyyyyyyy, did I let this tantalizing young tart sit on my waiver wire like a week old jizzed on wheat thin? Maybe it’s because analyst have consistently said that he’s a 20-25 homer max homer guy with solid defense? Either way, I look the fool while my arch nemesis laughs himself to sleep every night after jerking off looking at photographs of my beautiful mother.
Domonic Brown – I feel like the .226 batting average in AAA ball isn’t very telling… Why? Well, that’s a story for another time.
Players Who Have Disgraced Beddict And Their Families Thus Far…
Corey Dickerson – This one time, at band camp, I took a flute in the yin-yang and splouged in a tuba. This one time, less than a week ago, I traded Aroldis Chapman for Corey Dickerson when I could have had Lorenzo Cain. Some would blame the mass quantities of Quaaludes I blasted, or the half gallon of Smirnoff I shared with the married couple I ended up partaking in a Chinese finger trap with, and maybe I should, but I’m just going to come right out and admit I have a problem. (A different problem than the drug and sex addictions I just alluded to.) I, Tehol Beddict, chosen son of the Elders, am obsessed with the man you know as Corey Dickerson. I still have faith in this former golden boy, as his BAPIP of .181 (moment of silence for the nerd who just creamed his jockeys from reading the term “BAPIP”), suggests he’s been extremely unlucky thus far and the power numbers are obviously there which his 8 dongs attest to. Yes, Dick has disgraced thus far, but have faith that he shall turn it around. Soon, my goodmen, soon.
Matt Wieters – The man whom his Georgia Tech teammates once referred as “God” has become waiver wire fodder. Not only has he turns out to be mortal, but he’s making Joe Mauer look like Babe Ruth in his prime. To look at what this man has become makes me physically ill. This is a catcher, who I once believed would hit 40 bombs a season. But hey, I once thought I’d become a famous writer, so I guess we’re cut from the same cloth. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Justin Upton – When your team would gladly dump you for Melvin Upton, it’s safe to say the stench coming off you is so foul, so pungent, that it’s more than likely killed off whatever wildlife remains in the “great” city of Detroit, Seriously, J-Up’s nuts have shriveled up like a couple of juju bees as he’s swinging and missing more often than Prospector Ralph at a speed dating event. I can’t take much more.
Randal Grichuk – I expected 40 from this young Cardinal, but at this point I’d settle for 18, a bottle of lube, a pack of Virginia Slims, and a trip out to the backyard where he can give me a spiked kick in the hairy bean bag.
Mark Teixeira – When waiting on 1st base goes wrong. And I mean Michael Jackson giving Macaulay Culkin hand jobs wrong.
Prince Fielder – At this point, Fielder would be better served in having his back fat shaved off to feed an African village for a year. There’s really not much more to say.
Michael Pineda/ Luis Severino – To say that these two have been larger disappointments than the second halves of Nicolas Cage and Christian Slater’s acting career’s would be a major understatement and that might be worthy of a whole post in itself. I, for one, look forward to that one.
Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. I just purchased this nice and portable Mac-Book Air so that I may better service you from here on out. Let it be known that I fully intend on changing the world with my fantasy writing and superior wit. As per usual, all your questions and comments will be answered below in a timely fashion. Thank you for sticking with me during this rough period of this thing we call life. Until we meet again.
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