Greetings!!! Your liege lord, Beddict, has fallen on disastrous times. My goodmen, I was robbed by a thief in the night, the kind of criminal mastermind that makes Danny Ocean look like a pocket picking peasant. Not only did this despicable bandit gank me for my Mac-book Pro, but he swooped my black diamond encrusted platinum ring, my SMS wireless sports headphones signed by the Elder God, 50 Cent, a beautiful Burberry jacket, some fly-a** Louis Vuitton sunglasses, two Nike sweatshirts, a pair of high-top limited edition Nike Air Force One boots, and two different kinds of cologne. In the hood, we call this the come up of a lifetime. This scum-sucking pilferer hit the mother load, probably thinking he just robbed a professional athlete, when instead it was just poor old Beddict, washed up mankini model turned fantasy sports writer. I’ve never felt such pain, such anguish, giving me the sort of writers block that would make George R.R. Martin not look like a total pile of Hippopotamus shat. I come to you now, begging for your forgiveness. On my knees, begging you for another chance as I feel we were right on the cusp of greatness. Let’s work out the kinks and get back to doing what I was created to do… whatever that may be.

I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take heed!

 

Players Who Have Delighted Beddict With Their Play Thus Far…

Marcell Ozuna – You all know what pre-c*m is, right? I believe its defined as the fluid that leaks from my egg plant every time I see young Marcell go shopping at the gap. This Venezuelan beaut has been on a torrid stretch as of late, raising his average to .308 and reminding us of why most “experts” had him pegged as a breakout star in 2015. Now I’m a believer, and I couldn’t leave him if I tried. Shout out to Smashmouth. Great band.

Yasmany Tomas – Now that we’re legally allowed to visit Cuba, I’d very much like to travel there to personally thank Tomas’s parents for producing such a meaty, stallion of a man. I witnessed Tomas in the shower at a Scottsdale YMCA and almost feinted, I kidd you not. The young man that almost ALL of you wrote off has already surpassed half of his home run total from a season ago and is hitting above .300. I’m not going to point out that I predicted this well before the season. Trust me, I’m not that petty.

Wil Myers – Prince William has returned to us to take the throne he was expected to sit in for what now seems like ages ago, and has produced 7 long dongs and 4 base swipes, giving him a reasonable shot at a 20/20 season. The fact that he has multiple position eligibility doesn’t hurt. In fact, it turns me on, and when I’m turned on, Godly feats are known to happen. Sit back, take a toke off the peace pipe, pass that BIH to the left-hand side and watch the magic happen. It has been written.

Robinson Cano – I tried to load up the draft chat for the Razzball Writer’s League where Rudy the Elder, my superior in every way, verbally punished me for “reaching” on Cano at the turn of the 3rd round. It seems he had it burned along with the Drawls J-FOH left in the back seat of his Cabriolet. Let’s not mention that I’m in dead last in that particular league, aaaaahkay? Anyways, Cano is raking and is the early season AL MVP. What say thou now, Rudeth?

Jonathan Gray – With three consecutive quality starts and 24 K’s in that same time frame, Gray is on a mission to be the first star pitcher in Colorado since Ubaldo had that magical 3/4 year run in what seems like eons ago. The man’s stuff is electric. Boogie Woogie, Woogie! Slide with us to a league title.

Nick Castellanos – Why, oh whyyyyyyyyy, did I let this tantalizing young tart sit on my waiver wire like a week old jizzed on wheat thin? Maybe it’s because analyst have consistently said that he’s a 20-25 homer max homer guy with solid defense? Either way, I look the fool while my arch nemesis laughs himself to sleep every night after jerking off looking at photographs of my beautiful mother.

Domonic Brown – I feel like the .226 batting average in AAA ball isn’t very telling… Why? Well, that’s a story for another time.

 

Players Who Have Disgraced Beddict And Their Families Thus Far…

Corey Dickerson  This one time, at band camp, I took a flute in the yin-yang and splouged in a tuba. This one time, less than a week ago, I traded Aroldis Chapman for Corey Dickerson when I could have had Lorenzo Cain. Some would blame the mass quantities of Quaaludes I blasted, or the half gallon of Smirnoff I shared with the married couple I ended up partaking in a Chinese finger trap with, and maybe I should, but I’m just going to come right out and admit I have a problem. (A different problem than the drug and sex addictions I just alluded to.) I, Tehol Beddict, chosen son of the Elders, am obsessed with the man you know as Corey Dickerson. I still have faith in this former golden boy, as his BAPIP of .181 (moment of silence for the nerd who just creamed his jockeys from reading the term “BAPIP”), suggests he’s been extremely unlucky thus far and the power numbers are obviously there which his 8 dongs attest to. Yes, Dick has disgraced thus far, but have faith that he shall turn it around. Soon, my goodmen, soon.

Matt Wieters – The man whom his Georgia Tech teammates once referred as “God” has become waiver wire fodder. Not only has he turns out to be mortal, but he’s making Joe Mauer look like Babe Ruth in his prime. To look at what this man has become makes me physically ill. This is a catcher, who I once believed would hit 40 bombs a season. But hey, I once thought I’d become a famous writer, so I guess we’re cut from the same cloth. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

Justin Upton – When your team would gladly dump you for Melvin Upton, it’s safe to say the stench coming off you is so foul, so pungent, that it’s more than likely killed off whatever wildlife remains in the “great” city of Detroit, Seriously, J-Up’s nuts have shriveled up like a couple of juju bees as he’s swinging and missing more often than Prospector Ralph at a speed dating event. I can’t take much more.

Randal Grichuk – I expected 40 from this young Cardinal, but at this point I’d settle for 18, a bottle of lube, a pack of Virginia Slims, and a trip out to the backyard where he can give me a spiked kick in the hairy bean bag.

Mark Teixeira – When waiting on 1st base goes wrong. And I mean Michael Jackson giving Macaulay Culkin hand jobs wrong.

Prince Fielder – At this point, Fielder would be better served in having his back fat shaved off to feed an African village for a year. There’s really not much more to say.

Michael Pineda/ Luis Severino – To say that these two have been larger disappointments than the second halves of Nicolas Cage and Christian Slater’s acting career’s would be a major understatement and that might be worthy of a whole post in itself. I, for one, look forward to that one.

 

Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. I just purchased this nice and portable Mac-Book Air so that I may better service you from here on out. Let it be known that I fully intend on changing the world with my fantasy writing and superior wit. As per usual, all your questions and comments will be answered below in a timely fashion. Thank you for sticking with me during this rough period of this thing we call life. Until we meet again.

 

 

Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @LordBeddict.

 
  1. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
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    Lifshitz don’t play……I’m coming back for the dinnerware next.

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Ralph Lifshitz: the war is back on . i want my spot back

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Those Nike sweatshirts fit like a dream. Charmin?

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Ralph Lifshitz: dude, I don’t wear extra mediums

          • Ralph Lifshitz

            Ralph Lifshitz says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: Bitch I’m a tall large

              • Ralph Lifshitz

                Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                @Tehol Beddict: Your arms are too short to box with God…

                • LT Murray IV

                  Tehol Beddict says:
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                  @Ralph Lifshitz: i thought they called you “T-Rex”? or was dat “Shrimp Dick”?

                  • Scott says:
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                    @Tehol Beddict: i hate it when mom and dad fight…

                    • LT Murray IV

                      Tehol Beddict says:
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                      @Scott: Go to you Fukien room, SCOTTY! #ScottyDoesntKnow

                    • Ralph Lifshitz

                      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                      @Scott: You smell of cheap silk and have the hair cut of a Lego

  2. TJ says:
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    Have Starlin Castro slotted in at 2b (eligible at SS too) and Eugino Suarez at SS right now.

    Would it be worth dropping Tolleson now that he lost the job to pick up Devon Travis before he comes back?

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @TJ: it’s worth it to drop Tolleson, period. he is finished in the role and Dyson and possibly Bush will have to blow it first before Trolleson is given the job back. I like Travis. you don’t really need him but F it. you could trade someone. upgrade yoself, playboy

  3. nick the dick says:
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    Oh, what a looting! You never saw him coming like a camouflage condom…with that many mentions of jerking, splooge, cum and jizz, I say, good sir, you have not lost a step. If anything, maybe a bit of extra pep in it.

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @nick the dick: Thank you, my goodman! i appreciate your support. I’m gonna come extra peppy this year. or should i say Cum?

      • Scott says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: with JB punchy and Tehol peppy, Razzball is better than ever!

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Scott: I don’t know a J.B.

          • Scott says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: you must be joking, ma homie

            • LT Murray IV

              Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Scott: I never joke

  4. JJ says:
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    Hey Tehol,
    Who do you like best out of W.Myers, C.Carter and K.Davis?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @JJ: tough call. I’m going Will Myers right now. Like both others in stretches but insanely streaky ?

  5. JimmyJackJames says:
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    Drop Nate Jones (handcuff to Robertson) to speculate on Jumbo Diaz? He looked large and in charge in Triple A – pun fully intended

    Welcome back!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @JimmyJackJames: thank you sir! Yea is never waste spots on handcuffs unless dude major struggling in front. Make it happen, my goodman

  6. Jurickson BROfar says:
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    What do I do with Rendon besides take his mom out for a steak dinner?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jurickson BROfar: expect a turnaround altho I was never as high on him going into 2015 as most were. He should bounce back like a yo yo doe. And just make sure it’s tube steak

  7. Vinny Boombatz says:
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    Penetrating reportage. Enjoyed every word.

  8. Eric says:
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    I feel like my entire outfield is disgraceful. Do me a favor and rank these outfielders from best to worst and please tell me which one is expendable enough to drop so I can move Devon Travis off my DL and into my utility spot when he returns next week:

    Beltran
    Souza Jr.
    Grichuk
    Granderson
    Napoli

    Thanks Tehol!

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Eric:

      ROS

      I like all those guys better than Napoli. Id drop Napoli no question. who you got at first base.

      tough to rank those guys. preseason i woulda had Grichuk first and Souza 2nd.

      • Eric says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:

        I have Goldy at first and Ortiz at Corner Infield. Recently I had an open roster spot and I decided to grab Napoli over Duvall. Did I make the wrong decision?

        I also have Zobrist at 2B but he also has OF eligibility in yahoo so when Devin Travis come back I am considering moving him to 2B and putting Zobrist in my OF and dropping Napoli. I also have Trea Turner being activated out of my NA spot so I could always drop another Outfielder since I am rostering way too many.

        Right now I’m considering dropping Napoli and Grichuk but it’s tough to swallow dropping Grichuk with all the hype surrounding him.

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Eric: i would hold a bit on Grichuk. but Napoli is nothing to me at this point when you have Goldy and Ortiz. You could drop Chuk i suppose but I’m thinking he turns on at some point. id be scared to do so.

          • Eric says:
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            @Tehol Beddict:

            Couldnt agree more but that forces me to drop the Grandy man, Souza or Beltran. Tough decision.

            I also have Yelich but I’m not dropping him.

            • LT Murray IV

              Tehol Beddict says:
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              chop em den. I’m riding witcha. i just can’t turn my back on Grichuk at this point

              • Eric says:
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                @Tehol Beddict:

                Understandable. Deep down I feel the same. Thanks for the advice

  9. Matt says:
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    Brett Lawrie dropped in my 12 team 6×6 H2H league (no BA or W…instead use OBP/Slug% and QS/Kper9). I have 1 move left for the week (weekly move limit).

    I have 0 closers (have perkins DL’d but that’s it!). Which do I spend this last move on.

    1) Put waiver claim in for Lawrie and drop Brock Holt (I have Zobrist, Correa, Jake Lamb, Jung-ho Kang, and Jonathon Villar at 2b/ss/3b/CI/MI so not a huge need….but Lawrie’s power+OBP is tempting!)

    2) Drop Jesse Hahn for Will Harris (Dyson, Giles already have been snagged)

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Matt: yea ill take Lawrie over Holt.

      and yes, grab Will Harris

      • Matt says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Unfortunately only a single move left for the week…..

        Lawrie is waivers (clears Saturday)… Worried if I wait too long, Harris will be snagged already.

        • Matt says:
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          So use my last pick of the week on Will Harris now and pick up Lawrie next week if he’s still available?

          Or do the opposite?

          • LT Murray IV

            Tehol Beddict says:
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            @Matt: If you really want Lawrie that’s fine. harris could very well never get the job in fact I’d bet he doesn’t but worth a speculative add

  10. Josh says:
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    Awesome awesome awesome

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Josh: thank you thank you thank you

  11. Bye Felica says:
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    I won that 530 person GPP last night!!!!
    That’s back 2 back nights!

    CUETO & RAJ THE GODS!!!!

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Bye Felica: Wait, you actually won money on one of those DFS sites??!?!?!? you sir, are a legend.

  12. Tony Molina says:
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    Is Upton a nice buy low still, or do we think he’s lost? I’m thinking about offering an OF trade for him but not sure of the value. I’ve got Ellsbury, Blackmon, JD, Kemp, and Adam Jones currently. Keeper league.

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Tony Molina: I just bought him low. I traded Piscotty for him to give you an example. harder to trade the guys you go there for him but id prob dump Ellsbury for him forshordo

  13. Zach

    Zach says:
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    Glad you’re back buddy!

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Zach: Preciate cha, sack

  14. Mobin Can't Hack It says:
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    good lines with the fielder’s fat back and cum on a cracker.

Comments are closed.