Legit, nothing happened for about five weeks since the end of the season.  Literally.  I went into such a vegetative state, a farmer, in overalls, walked by me, poked my eye and said, “This spud won’t be ready for a few more weeks.”  Then I thought about how much a farmer is like a pimp.  You don’t see them much, except when with their hoes.  They work rain and shine and they hate the movie, Food, Inc.  Okay, maybe they’re not that similar.  Then I went back into my vegetative state.  During the offseason, I’m like a landlocked Delaware.  Any hoo!  We have some offseason moves to speak on — Choir at black church, “Speak!”  Dee Gordon was traded to the Mariners because Jerry Dipoto got a call from his mother that went like this, “How many titles did Theo Epstein have by the time he was your age?”  Jerry Dipoto put down the phone, turned to a mirror and yelled, “You’re better than this!”  The Mariners have tried this whole center field SAGNOF gambit before:  Jarrod Dyson, Chone Figgins.  All a play to get back to the days of wine and roses and Ichiros?  Maybe.  Trading for a guy turning 30 in April who relies on his legs seems to be a meh move — mehve? — but we’re here for the fantasy.  Last year, Gordon stole a league-high 60 bags, though Hamilton had an award-winning musical.  Gordon’s line drive rate was up year over year, but he did have a PEDs suspension, so not much to learn there.  His batted ball profile is eerily similar for the last few years, and I see no reason why anything would change in 2018.  He’s going to be playing center field now, which should make for some interesting relay throws involving the entire outfield, but that won’t affect Gordon’s hitting.  For 2018, I’l give him the projections 108/2/36/.292/54 in 633 ABs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2018 fantasy baseball:

Ryon Healy – Traded to the Mariners as they prepare Marvin Gaye puns for their signing of Ohtani.  Singing totally offkey, “And when I get that feeling…I want Shohei and Healy!  Shohei and Healy, baby, is good for me.”  I was strongly considering writing a Ryon Healy sleeper post, but consider this here is that <–excellent grammar!  Last year, Healy hit 25 homers an average of 411.1 feet.  That’s 15th best in the majors.  Average home run distance doesn’t move the pants compass due north, but when I’m thinking about someone going to now play their home games in Safeco, it’s a solid indication.  Not that surprising he had some giddy in up-jump-the-boogies because he was playing half his games in the placenta of the Grand Canyon called the Oakland Coliseum.  Something that is odd, and I’m going to write it off as an anomaly, but the Coliseum was a positive for offense last year (Safeco was still not good, per usual).  Long story made longer, I think the move for Healy is a push.  His 15.1 HR/FB% looks repeatable, and his fly ball rate.  All his peripherals actually look repeatable, and he hit 25 HRs in 149 games last year, after hitting 13 HRs in 2015 in almost exactly half the number of games.  Doode’s a machine.  Unfortch, it’s not a 45-homer machine, but more like a cheap Kyle Seager machine.  That’s worth drafting though, as long as he gets out of his current projected nine-hole.  For 2018, I’ll give him the projections of 61/24/72/.261/1 in 471 ABs.

Hisashi Iwakuma – Signed a minor league contract with the Mariners.  Not saying that the M’s signed him to act as a potential translator for Shohei Ohtani, but I’m not saying they didn’t either.

Brad Boxberger – Traded to the Diamondbacks.  Think this might be our first new closer signing, without the hoopla.  The assumption right now is that Archie Bradley is the closer, but making an assumption makes an ass out of a lil’ sumption-sumption.  Diamondbacks had a lot of success using Bradley for multiple innings earlier in the game than the ninth.  Mean’s while, Boxberger had a 3.38 ERA with a 12.3 K/9 in 29 1/3 IP last year and was an All-Star closer in previous seasons.  I’m loving Boxberger right now, but it’s early to say he’s definitely the closer.  For now, I’ll give him the projections of 3-2/3.08/1.12/79 with 22 saves in 64 IP, but subject to change if the Diamondbacks say Bradley or Boxberger are the closer.

Jim Johnson – Traded to the Angels for Justin Kelly.  Know how we know The Sciosciapath is a Sciosciapath?  Because he goes out of his way to cause harm to himself.  Jim Johnson is a piece your team acquires when you have a death wish.  Or you just want to see three-run leads in the 7th inning evaporate.  I’m not saying a guy like Boxberger could’ve been had, but…Well, yes, I’m saying exactly that!

Yusmeiro Petit – Signed with the A’s.  Oddly enough, Yusmeiro Petit is French for “Your league may need a little parity.”

Miles Mikolas – Signed with the Cardinals after having a 2.18 ERA with an 8 K/9 and 1.5 BB/9 in 424 2/3 IP in Japan.  When I heard this, I tweeted out something obnoxious like, “But what’s his speed score?!”  Ya know, cause people are saying Ohtani has an 80 speed.  What I’m also saying is if Ohtani is super overrated, Mikolas might actually be a bargain.  If only he could also hit 30 HRs!  Riiiiiiiight.  Yes, seven I’s.  The verdict, as they say, is still out on Mikolas, but I’ve seen him compared favorably to starters like Maeda, Hendricks and teammate, Wacha.  Plus, it’s the Cardinals, they make mountains out of anything that takes the hill.  For safety’s sake, I’ll put him around a 7.2 K/9 and a 2.4 BB/9 which is 2013 Jose Quintana, a 3.51 ERA/3.86 xFIP guy.  I see now why Mikolas is Greek for “Me likey.”  For 2018, I’ll give him 11-4/3.64/1.23/115 in 144 IP.

Tyler Chatwood – Signed with the Cubs.  As soon as he signed, I heard superlatives like, “Best signing of the offseason,” “Love this signing,” and “Harry Caray loves this move, and I know this because I’m drinking a beer in a lawn chair next to his grave,” and other nonsense.  The Cubs hype is real, yo.  Chatwood did have solid road splits (3.49 ERA in 77 1/3 road innings), but, of course, he did.  He was just happy to be the hell out of Coors!  He still had a 4.7 BB/9 in road games, and same overall.  I’m gonna like him in NL-Only leagues, but he’s a streamer elsewhere.  For 2018, I’ll give him 9-10/4.19/1.39/113 in 152 IP.

Aledmys Diaz – Traded to the Blue Jays for J.B. Woodman, who sounds like a closed captioning gone wrong on Seinfeld.  Cardinals, apparently, didn’t love the idea of going back to the disappointing Aledmys with Paul DeJong and Kolten Wong emerging in the middle of the infield for the deadly DeWong combo.  The Blue Jays, on the other hand, have no problem getting worse.  Diaz will likely back up Tulo and Devon Travis, which means he could see anywhere from 100 ABs to 450 ABs.  I’ll project him for 47/8/40/.266/3 in 361 ABs.

Welington Castillo – Signed with the White Sox, where he will (ington) take over catcher duties and I said duties and now I’m laughing.  Screw you, ‘duties’ word, you are too funny.  As of now, Boeuf Welington will be batting fifth behind Avisail and Abreu, but that could change with offseason moves.  Either way, I don’t see Castillo’s value getting a dramatic boon.  Hehe, boon sounds like boobs and poon combined.  Nice boon!  And now I’m arrested.  For 2018, I’ll give him the projections 56/21/62/.241 in 407 ABs.

Mike Minor – Signed with the Rangers.  This is an interesting move that the Rangers will surely screw up, and don’t call me Shirley.  Not sure where Minor will slate in, bullpen or rotation, so gonna hold off for now projecting him.

Doug Fister – Signed with the Rangers after passing a physical.  What does a physical for Fister look like?  Is there a speculum involved?  Is he the speculum?  If you don’t know what a speculum is, do not under any circumstances Google it.  It is horrifying.  You’re Googling it now that I said don’t Google it, aren’t you?  *shakes head disapprovingly*  You’re a good kid, but you’ll never learn.