Greetings! Ahhh, nothing quite like receiving the honor of writing the Friday night roundup. I imagine its quite similar to receiving the Medal of Honor, the Purple Heart, or maybe a Nobel Peace Prize. It certainly feels a heckuva lot better than the pride of Julio Urias‘ owners on this fine Saturday. Yeah, Urias was a real spark plug for Dodger nation last night..Sorry, did I say spark plug? I meant butt plug. They were hoping for Justin Timberlake, but instead received JC Chavez. We all expected Christian Bale, but the performance was more Christian Slater. 2.3 innings pitched with three earned and four walks sounds more like Jorge De La Rosa than Jose Fernandez. With that being said, I’m not concerned with the outing whatsoever. That’s also possibly because I don’t own him anywhere, and don’t really care either way. Best of luck to you all though, my goodmen!
Anyway, here’s what else I noticed yesterday in fantasy baseball. Take heed!
Felix Hernandez – Six innings with six earned, at home against the lowly Twins? Ugh, that’s crustier than the splouge stains left on George Michael’s outfit after a long visit to a highway rest stop. I’m confused as to how the King has a minuscule 2.86 ERA on the season when it feels like he’s been atrocious on the mound. I laughed at the peasants who claimed Felix was finished, and he’d experience a major drop off in 2016. But every once in a blue moon, the peasants are correct. Usually this means they are rounded up, starved, and beaten back into submission (metaphorically of course), but this time, for this moment, Imma hold this L. The K’s per nine are at an all-time low, and the walks are at an all-time high… still, I’m buying low on the King.
Jeurys Familia – One inning, four hits, one walk, and four earned? Now, that’s how you earn a win, my goodmen! Yes, it’s true that Jeurys was beaten like a piñata on Dia de los muertos, but the man is resilient, and if you are one of those “things” that believes Familia eventually loses his closer role, I’d like to invite myself over to your household to give out Indian burns to your shafts. He shall have his revenge, I swear it!
Domonic Brown – 0/4 last night for the Buffalo Bisons, bringing his average to a paltry .222 on the season. But say one thing for Domonic Brown, he’s irrepressible. The Elder Gods tell stories at our camp fires, regarding the return of Prince Domonic and his mighty stick. Pass the peyote and let the good times roll!
Sean Manaea – Though the ERA is down to a solid 7.03 and the K’s per nine is sitting at a scintillating 5.9, I think I’m going to pass. Jesus, Manaea is lucky Detroit only tagged him for three last night, as there was more ball-stroking going on in Oakland last night than a BET Awards show after party attended by the entire Kardashian family. I’m done.
Alex Rodriguez – An A-Bomb, from A-Rod!! PANDEMONIUM!!!!!!! Watching ‘the Rod’ slide Archer’s jock strap to the side to insert hard wood had to be one of the this year’s most spectacular sights. 20 years from now you’ll be sitting around your friend’s living room sipping an O’Douls asking “where were you for 693.” Never Forget.
Marcell Ozuna – So, answer me this, my goodmen; I offered a league mate of mine a trade of Ryan Braun, Marcell Ozuna, and Jenmar Gomez for Bryce Harper. I was quickly shot down, but am I lucky he denied me like a meth’d out Dikembe Mutombo? Ozuna has been hotter than a Hyena’s ballsack in July, and I’m reaping benefits like I’m one of Bernie Madoff’s preferred clients. That’s five multi-hit games in a row now for Ozuna. as he’s raised his average to a robust .343 to go along with nine dongs and 26 RBI.
Jeff Francoeur – 4/5 last night and six for his last nine? Holy O’hemlock! Keep an eye on this fella. You never know, he could end up on the cover of a Sports Illustrated some day. He’s only owned in 0.4 percent of ESPN leagues, so now may be the time to strike if you feeling froggy. And by froggy, I mean assuming the leap frog position while the rest of your league mates drop trow and make hamburger meat.
Matt Kemp – Just when we all thought it was over, King Ding-A-Ling punishes a baseball more thunderously than he gave Rihanna that work, work, work, work. Made her do that dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt. And I bet it even hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt. But I think he made her squirt, squirt, squirt. Kemp is still a must own in fantasy and due to the recent cold streak, a solid buy low option if you’re desperate for outfield help.
Matt Cain – 1.2 innings of masterful pitching. Kind of like one of those dudes that talks all this shizz via text about what they’re going to do to this chick, and when they finally hook up he really lays the pound game down… for about eight thrusts. Aaaaaaand then…….uh ohhhhh. There she blows! “Did you here something?” “Is your roommate home?” Then check your phone and say your grandmother was hit by a car and you have to rush to the hospital. I’ve done it a 100 times. Still, better to have tapped than to have never tapped at all… That is of course, unless you contracted an STD. Then it’s not better. Shout out Matt Cain though. Get that hammy right, big dog, you have jersey chasers to pipe. I like having my man-servant massage my hamstrings with warm milk three times a day whenever I experience tightness from smashing guts like a savage (for eight seconds) and I’m hoping Cain gets the same treatment, for it’s done wonders for me. Truly.
Michael Fulmer – This guy may look like my crotch after a couple months of sans hedging, but he sure can slang it, huh? With only one run given up and 14 total strikeout in Fulmer’s past 14.2 innings, he’s probably worth a pick up in your fantasy league. I won’t be, of course, but you totally should.
Yangervis Solarte – Never nervous Yangervis, they call him. In a meaningless game in Arizona, this Venezuelan stallion rose like the Phoenix and delivered when it mattered most. Three home runs and six RBI in his last two games? Mmmmm-hmmmmm, can’t say I’m not intrigued. Not, sopping wet man thong intrigued, but intrigued nonetheless.
Stephen Piscotty – GET OUT THE MUSTARD AND THE RYE BREAD GRANDMA!!!! IT’S GRAND SALAMI TIME!!!! I love witnessing players I dumped like yesterday’s tampons drop bombs and do dope shizz on the reg. Makes me feel all warm and toasty inside, sort of like when I put Lipshitz’s wife in the ‘Perfect Flex‘ in front of my hearth on the Polar bear rug (killed it myself), at Beddict Manor. Either way, Piscotty is sticking and moving, hitting .324 with six round trippers and 30 runs batted in.
Kris Bryant – I”m gonna shoot, I’m gonna shooooooot. SOLO YONGER! Sometimes I find myself disrespeking K.B. Then I look at his stats and feel ‘less than’ inside Rosie O’Donnell after she polishes off a bag of fun sized snickers bars, locked in her pantry. Just because I’m a perfectionist doesn’t mean Kris Bryant needs to be. I suppose I’m asking too much in requesting a .300 average with 45 bombs and 160 RBI. You’ve got be realistic about these things. But seriously, I NEED MORE!
Mike Fiers – Trout and company were shopping at the GAP as if was an 80 percent mark off on khakis, right before Easter Sunday. Goodbye and good luck.
Xander Bogaerts – Has Gray ever written a post 20 days in a row? Great question. Has Beddict ever taken down fresh flesh for days straight? Even better question. If that doesn’t paint a vidid picture of how impressive Bogaerts’s 20-game hit streak is, then, my goodmen, I don’t know what will.
Robbie Ray – I sold my mother’s diamond necklace in order to go all in on Draft Kings based on Rudy ‘The Elder’ Gamble’s advice to start Robbie Ray last night. 4.2 innings, nine hits, two walks, and five earned runs later and I end up naked, quivering in the back of some random pickup truck on the side of an interstate. How I got this post completed at all is a miracle in itself. Never stop believing, people!